


Secrets, Tears and What-ifs

by nowhere_blake



Category: Ant & Dec RPF
Genre: Angst, As Canon Compliant As It Gets, Coming Out, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Outing, Saturday Night Takeaway Season 11 (2014)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-03-14 22:25:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 117,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3427745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nowhere_blake/pseuds/nowhere_blake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ant and Dec have been having a secret relationship since they were teenagers, but suddenly they are outed. Where does that leave them? They have to deal with the press, paparazzi, wives, girlfriends and… their feelings for each other. Long and painful. (Both the fic and my update frequency. I love you all to the moon and back, please believe me when I say, this will be finished someday.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Original tumblr post [here](http://justrainythings.tumblr.com/post/80204128603/secrets-tears-and-what-ifs-part-1) if you feel like reblogging :)

‘Do you remember it?’ Ant asks; his voice is a bit shaky, he can’t look away from the photo he’s holding in his hand.

Dec stops his frustrated walk for a moment.

‘Yeah,’ he talks dryly, then continues pacing up and down, ‘Do  _you_?’

Ant nods with a frown.

‘Last Friday. We were leaving rehearsal,’ he answers, still staring at the picture.

He thinks it’s a really nice picture. Well, considering. The two of them are standing outside on the street, both wearing their winter coats, holding take-away coffee in their hands. Seeing the picture for the first time Ant’s first thought was that it’s not even a proper kiss. Sure, their mouths are touching and everything, but it’s just a little peck, a tiny good-bye kiss of some sort.   
  
Ant replayed the scene so many times in his head since this morning – when Ali disturbed their quiet breakfast by showing them the picture – but he still can’t remember it, to be honest. It’s a bit of a blur, he only has a hazy memory of knowing, no… of being aware that once Dec suddenly forgot, they were in public and planted a small kiss on his lips.   
  
Ant doesn’t remember the kiss itself, but he can recall the moment he realised that it actually happened. He was already in the car, fifteen minutes later, and the thought only passed through his mind, just for a second, then he forgot about it. Completely.

And now he is staring at the picture that captures that moment forever and is going to be released in tomorrow’s Sun.

‘We certainly can’t deny it like,’ Ant says and sits down with a devastated sigh. Then just because he wants Dec to join the conversation, he says, ‘We could say, we were rehearsing a sketch…?’ he finally tears his eyes away from the picture and looks up at Dec expectantly, even though he knows, the idea is not good.

‘On the street? Drinking coffee?’ snaps Dec at him suddenly, not stopping his nervous walk this time. ‘Brilliant idea, man,’ he adds with a strong sarcastic tone that gets to Ant a little bit.

‘Well, it’s not my fault, is it now, Dec?’ Ant tries hard not to raise his voice, but he is getting fed up with Dec’s lack of willingness to talk about it or to basically just do anything, other than walking up and down in a stupid room. ‘Why did you have to kiss us like that?’ there is a certain desperation in his tone that makes Dec stop again and he turns around to finally meet Ant’s eyes.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says quietly. ‘Wasn’t intentional like.’ There is real misery on his face.

‘I know it wasn’t,’ Ant reassures him quickly and his voice is calm again, ‘I know.’

After a slight pause Dec takes a deep breath and sits down onto the sofa that is opposite to the table Ant is sitting on.

‘Are you mad at me?’ he asks, and he seems broken, he is only whispering, and it just sounds so childish, it breaks Ant’s heart.   
  
Dec feels responsible, Ant realises and he raises an eyebrow. He is mad at  _them_. He is mad at their stupidity. He is mad at what happened. But Dec? He doesn’t consider it for a minute that he even should be mad at him. It’s not like Dec attacked and kissed him or something. It probably could have happened the other way around too. Him kissing Dec.

‘Of course not, man,’ he says softly and he hears Dec letting out a small sigh.

They sit in silence for a while; Dec on the couch, his head in his hands, Ant carefully examining him from the edge of the table. He wants to comfort him so badly, but he is not sure if that’s what Dec wants right now. He doesn’t know what do to, or say. It’s like he’s trapped, he feels paralysed. His brain doesn’t seem to work at all.

‘Do you know what you’re gonna tell Lisa?’ Dec asks suddenly and this is the first time since seeing the picture a couple of hours ago that Ant avoids his gaze.

‘The truth, I guess,’ he says carefully, studying his shoes.

‘You could say, it was a one-time thing,’ Dec offers and when Ant’s still not looking at him he continues, desperately wanting to get rid of all the tension that’s inside him, ‘Or could say it only happened a couple of times. Or that it had only started recently–’ that seems to do it.

‘I never lied to her and I’m not starting it now,’ Ant interrupts him with real anger.

‘Well, you haven’t been completely honest though, have ya?!’ Dec stands up, as if ready to get into a fight, but when he looks at Ant’s bent posture he softly adds, ‘What I’m saying is… that’s it’s fine with me. Whatever you tell her, I mean,’ Dec shrugs and takes a deep breath when Ant doesn’t reply.   
  
A minute goes by in silence and they know they are thinking the same thing: It’s crazy that they never prepared a solution for a situation like this. They never even really thought about the possibility of someone finding them out, to be honest. Their affair – Ant hates to call it that way, so Dec always says ‘relationship’ – has been going on for way too long to make such a careless mistake, and it occurs to Ant that Dec might have done it on purpose for some twisted reason. As the emotions slowly fade, they both look up, then start speaking exactly at the same time.

'At least we're togethe-'

'What about Ali-?

They share a small smile at that.

'Go on, Anth.'

'How do you think Ali took it?'

Dec bites down on his lips. It’s just so goddamn complicated.

'She seems furious,' he says hesitantly 'but not very surprised,' he adds with a sigh.   
  
He really doesn’t want to talk about his girlfriend right now, who is probably right next door thinking about a way out of this, because that’s what she gets paid for. Personal matters come later.   
  
Dec’s head is spinning and all he wants right now is to sit down with a cold beer, preferably somewhere far far away from here.

'I guess not many people in Britain will actually be surprised,' Ant says with a wink and that almost makes Dec laugh. Almost.

'What are we gonna do now, Anth?' he asks, they lock eyes.

'It will go away, eventually,' Ant says, but it's obvious he doesn't believe that himself.

'It never will, not completely,' Dec shakes his head and he looks quite upset now, but for some reason Ant thinks it has nothing to do with the media coverage of their… relationship.

'Oh, come on, Decky, man. We're gonna be fine. We always are, you kna that,' Ant says and he leans forward, closer to Dec, desperate for physical contact. Dec doesn't move though, and the lack of intimacy is killing Ant.

'This is so pointless,' Dec mutters, head still in his hands.

'What is?' Ant asks with a frown.

Dec looks up in surprise. It’s clearly written on his face that he’s annoyed that Ant doesn’t know right away what he’s thinking. To him it’s just so obvious. He thought it was obvious for Ant too.

'This whole thing is pointless,' he starts to explain, 'You know, us, being miserable. I mean, we could've avoided all this, if 10 years ago we are brave enough to do it properly right away.'

'Properly?' Ant asks and there is a scary realisation developing in his head. He hopes he is not right though.

'You know… out and proud, that sort of thing. A real relationship. Doing it the proper way,' Dec says.

Fuck. Ant wants to scream and shout and break things. He knows this is going to end badly.

'We never had a proper thing between us, Declan,' he says carefully, very slowly.

'That's what I'm saying, that–'

'No. I mean, we are not…' Ant doesn't want to say it, he really doesn't, but he has to anyway. 'We are not together.'

'Hah?'

Jesus. Great. What now?

'We had… fucks-' he can't help, but flinch at the word, as he's saying it. '-and we er… enjoy each other's company, but… I have a wife, Dec,' he finally manages. 'And you have Ali!' he is desperately clinging onto that. Yes, Dec and Ali. Dec doesn't need him, he has Ali!

'What are you saying, Anth?' Dec asks, voice shaking, and Ant knows he's going to start crying soon.

Dec’s face is absolutely devastated – he seems confused and lost. Ant wants to punch himself. Of course Ali doesn’t make it better, what was he thinking?

Also he sort of still can’t believe that Dec actually thought this is going to change things between them.   
  
The nature of their relationship has always been… interesting, and it just never really got to the point when it became serious enough to do something about the secrecy part. And frankly, Ant is pretty happy with that, thanks very much. He has a beautiful wife, a cute dog and, yes, of course, he has Dec – he couldn’t live without Dec -, but still, it’s not like he doesn’t get enough of everything. And he loves Lisa so much.

He sighs. 'I'm saying that just because this is out, things won't change. I still… I still will be with Lisa.'

There’s a pause, then – as expected – Dec explodes.

'Oh, and you think she's gonna be all lovely and accepting when she finds out that you've been fucking your best friend for longer than you two have actually been together?!' Dec is standing in front of Ant with his hands on his hips, spitting the words. He shakes his head. 'Unbelievable,' he mutters as he turns away and Ant knows it's because he doesn't want him to see the tears.

'I'm not saying… it will be easy, but we're gonna get through it,' Ant says quietly.

'And 'we' means you and Lisa, I presume,' Dec turns back suddenly and despite the crying, there is real anger in his eyes now. Ant knows that he's got to the point where he's capable of anything.

'What?' he asks back, hoping that talking about it will calm down Dec a bit, but Dec ignores the question.

'Why did you marry her?' he demands, and it's really difficult for Ant to stop himself from laughing. This is getting ridiculous.

'Oh god,' Ant hisses.

'No, seriously, why did you marry her?'

'Because, I love her, Dec, that's why,' Ant is determined to stay calm, but he just cannot stop himself any more, 'Because she's the bloody love of me life,' Ant shouts and he regrets that last sentence as soon as he's said it.

'What does that make  _me_ then?’ Dec asks, and Ant has to admit, the question is justifiable. He loves Lisa more than anything, but what they have with Dec is something… more. Something so much more.

'Me clingy best friend?' Ant laughs nervously and he knows it's not going to work.

'Weak try,' says Dec immediately, his face dead serious. 'Why wasn't I enough?' he asks.

It breaks Ant’s heart, but still, the anger takes over. This whole thing is not his fault and instead of trying to solve things Dec is just bringing up all this old shit. How dare he talk about Lisa like that anyway?

'Oh for the love of god, Dec. Do we have to do this?' it's clear from Ant's voice that he's truly annoyed now. Why can't Dec just stop with the demanding nonsense? Why isn't Ant's unconditional love enough for him? Ant runs his fingers through his hair. 'Do we really have to do this, Decky?' he asks again, voice calm, maybe even a little bit pleading this time.

'Yeah, 'cause for once I'd like a real answer. Why wasn't I enough?' Dec asks again. 'What does she have that I don't? I mean… she's brilliant, but why did you need  _anyone_  when you had  _me_?’

'I didn't plan it, okay?!' Ant loses it, he technically shouts now, because he knows, that Dec knows all this, he's been there too, he's seen it all. 'It just sort of happened, Dec. Will youse stop now?'

'See, that's what I'm saying. We should've done it properly,' Dec concludes quietly and finally sits down, this time to a chair, right next to Ant's table.

'It wouldn't have worked, Dec,' Ant says and he looks tired. Tired of this conversation. Tired of everything.

'Why, eh? We are great together, you kna that. Who are you to say it wouldn't have worked anyway?' Dec raises his voice again, but stays seated. He doesn't look at Ant.

'What do you want me to do here, Dec?' Ant asks, 'To get divorced? To tell Lisa, I never loved her and it's always been you? The problem is, I do love her Dec, I do. And I'm not gonna… Are you expecting me to leave her now? That's crazy…! Would you break up with Ali right now if I told you to?!'

Dec doesn’t reply, his expression is painful. There are tears running down his cheek. He tries to hide them, but it’s quite obvious. Ant tries to catch Dec’s eye, but he looks away. Then Ant finally gets it and he looks shocked. He makes a curious sound in his surprise.

'You would, wouldn't you?!' he realises 'You would actually leave Ali… for me,' he tries to touch Dec, but he moves away. Here is the painful feeling of not knowing what to do again. Ant's hand is still in the air, stopped mid-movement. He wants to hug Dec so badly.

'They are waiting for you in the make-up room,' that's Ali's harsh voice, coming from the door. Both him and Dec jump a little; they look up. How long has she been standing there? How much did she hear?

'We need a minute,' Ant says immediately, but she shakes her head.

'You're already 20 minutes late,' she says, her face unreadable.

Ant looks at Dec, who is still sobbing silently, avoiding eye contact with both of them.

'A minute,' Ant says again, looking back at Ali 'Please.'

Dec finally looks up, he wipes away his tears angrily with the back of his hand.

'I need a minute,' he says in a choked voice as he brushes past Ali.

'Decs!' Ant tries to grab his arm, but Dec is already out of the room.

Ant just stands there for a minute, looking at the door, then he suddenly turns and kicks up an empty cardboard box.

'Fuck!'


	2. Chapter 2

Dec doesn’t remember if it ever happened that they had to work while having a fight. The only time they’ve ever really fallen out… oh yeah, the famous Spain incident. But that didn’t last long. They made up after like what… 15 minutes? To be honest, he has no idea, how to handle the situation.

Ant always says they should have more fights, because it would be healthier that way. Well, Dec never agreed with that, but right now he wishes it was true. If there were some kind of guidelines – any kind really – that would be so fucking great. But of course they have to be one of those couples ( _friends_ , corrects himself Dec bitterly) that never fight and never disagree, so now he is lost completely. How do you even start making up?

When he returns from the loo – washing his face didn’t help, it’s still pretty obvious that he cried – they follow Ali into the make-up room in total silence and the air is tense. No one’s looking at each other, the whole thing is so awkward.

It just occurs to Dec that eventually he will have to talk to Ali alone. He dreads the moment more than anything. He never intended to hurt Ali, and after things got serious with her he even sort of tried to end it with Ant, but… who is he kidding? As cheesy as it may sound, Ant and him belong together, they always have, always will. Or so he thought, until a minute ago, when Ant basically said that what they have (had?) was just a couple of fucks, nothing else. And he’s the one who insists on calling it a relationship!

The whole thing still seems pretty surreal. They were having breakfast in their dressing room – still half-asleep, actually – when Ali just barged in, locked the door and put the picture onto the table without saying a word.

Both him and Ant were speechless. Then came the various swearwords and a little bit of shouting. Then Ali said it would be published in tomorrow’s papers and said they probably should start talking about how they wanted to handle it. She left them alone, having this incredibly hurt look in her eyes, and now Dec feels guilty, because at that moment it didn’t even occur to him that he should go after his girlfriend instead of starting a long and dreadful conversation with his best friend slash lover.

Dec doesn’t know if he wants to cry or laugh. If he thinks about it, it was always sort of inevitable, wasn’t it? Everything is so confusing, because it’s not enough that the whole nation will learn about their bloody affair ( _relationship_ _–_ whatever!), but they also have to figure out how to deal with it in their personal life. 

Dec feels like he needs Ant more than ever, but they are bloody fighting, and he sure won’t be the one to apologise! Mainly because as it turns out, he loves Ant more than Ant loves him. Or maybe Ant just loves Lisa more than Dec thought? If Ant stays with her anyway, it doesn’t really matter which one it is though.

'What have you done to your face, darling?!' the make-up artist's cry unbelievably irritates Dec. She examines his face – which is slightly red and all puffy because of the crying – with over-exaggerated horror. Dec forces out an apologetic smile. He pretends that he didn't hear the question, which is probably very rude, but he can't really do anything about his face, can he?

The make-up artist looks at Ant, but he just shrugs. Dec knows, that Ant’s thinking something like:  _You can just read it in tomorrow’s papers, lady._ Dec suppresses a smile.

They always joke around about how unprofessional they are, turning up to work with massive hangovers, but to be honest they actually are very good at what they’re doing. As soon as they step out of the make-up room, Dec turns back into his normal, cheerful self.

'Morning!' he greets everyone with a big smile. He knows they cannot make a mistake today; he has an idea about how these things work. If anyone sees or hears anything out of the ordinary they will immediately sell it to the papers when they see tomorrow's headlines.

They are doing a photo shoot for ITV’s new spring ad and Dec couldn’t care less about it, but it has to be done. They pose and smile and they are being silly, telling stupid jokes, finishing each other’s sentences as usual. As they laugh together Dec hopes it’s only him that can hear how fake and forced it is.

'Can you move closer to each other, please?' the photographer asks.

They both look up suddenly and as they stare at each other their smiles fall. Ant looks annoyed and tired, and for a moment Dec thinks he can see a hint of regret in Ant’s eyes.

It’s Ant who eventually takes the step to close the distance between them, and their shoulders brush.

'I'm sorry that I-' Ant whispers, and Dec wants to hug him and kiss him and tell him that it's all okay, but he knows it's not, so he interrupts him with a whispered, but harsh, 'Not now.'

The whole photo shoot is working brilliantly, except that the photographer is not entirely satisfied with the pictures. He can’t put it into words what’s wrong with them and he tries to explain it to them, but fails miserably. He doesn’t seem to understand it himself. He apologises and laughs awkwardly; he seems quite embarrassed.

Dec doesn’t even have to look at Ant to know that both of them know exactly what’s wrong with the pictures. The usual spark is not there. They just don’t seem connected. It’s not Ant and Dec, it’s just two guys, standing next to each other, smiling like some idiots.

It’s already four in the afternoon by the time they finish and now they are not just in a bad mood, but tired as well.

Dec is sort of proud though that no one noticed anything, but he knows they’ll soon have to figure things out, because it’s sure as hell that he’s not doing that again. Working while fighting that is. Although after tomorrow maybe they won’t get another job ever again. Or maybe Ant won’t want to work with him any more. Dec can’t actually imagine how he would deal with that. Maybe he could stop working altogether – he’s got enough money, hasn’t he? - and drink himself to death. Sounds like a plan. He sighs and forces himself to think about more positive things. They have to come up with a real solution pretty soon…

Maybe they can move to a small, unknown island somewhere, where no one knows them…! Except Ant wouldn’t want to move to an island with him, because he has a wife and all that stuff. How lovely… Dec feels like killing himself.

They change in silence and Dec notices in the mirror that Ant sometimes tries to make eye-contact with him. Dec considers what to do, but at the end his pride wins. He’s still pretty hurt, and for a change Ant can suffer a little bit too.

As they are leaving the building Ali catches them and says they should go home and talk about it some more, and that she would come by later. She’s still trying to get the picture pulled from the issue or at least just get the publishing of it delayed to buy them some more time. She says all that with an incredibly sad smile and Dec is dying for a drink. Or ten.

They get into the car – still not talking – and Dec realises they are not sitting in the right order. Ant is on the right, he’s on the left. It doesn’t mean anything, he tries to reassure himself, but – even though he knows it’s stupid – he silently starts panicking. Everything is so fucked up. There is this huge abyss between them, and it scares Dec so bloody much that Ant is sitting next to him, but he feels like years away.

'How was your day, lads?' that's their driver, Joe. He is smiling at them. He seems cheerful. Fuck.

'Yeah, okay,' Ant says, sounding pretty annoyed and he's not even trying to be polite. Dec just simply looks away.

'Trouble in paradise, eh?' Joe asks jokingly, and suddenly Dec feels like he can't breathe. The car becomes too small and he gets this terrible claustrophobic feeling as it actually starts to sink in that everyone (even Joe and Joe's wife and Joe's parents and Joe's kids and Joe's friends and…  _everyone_!) will know about him and Ant by tomorrow morning.

'Okay, that's enough,' he says firmly, a little bit too loud and he gets out of the car. Fresh air, that's it. That should help, he thinks and starts walking. He doesn't really know where he's going, he just needs… what does he need? A cigarette maybe?

'Decky!' Ant shouts after him, but Dec ignores it 'Shit,' Ant says 'It'll be just a minute, we'll be right back,' he says to a surprised, but supportively nodding Joe and goes after Dec.

'Declan, please!' he pleads, as he catches up to him.

Dec turns around suddenly, his face is all angry and judgemental.

'What?! What else could you possibly say, Anth, to make it all so much worse than it already is?'

'I'm so sorry, Decky. I am, man. But we will figure it all out, you and me, okay? We're in this together, Decs. Let's get a cup of tea and talk it out, ha?'

'No, I don't wanna talk. I… What can we talk about? I mean you don't want me, so it's kinda over, isn't it?'

'I'm begging you, Declan! Please, just let's go home and-' Ant pauses abruptly, as he thinks through what Dec just said. 'Are you an idiot? What the hell do you mean  _I don’t want you_?’ he asks slowly, articulating every word very carefully.

'Well,' starts Dec with a shrug, 'You said that you're gonna stay with  _her_ , no matter what happens, so…’ he knows, he is acting like a child. He is looking down, avoiding Ant’s gaze and his voice is really high-pitched.

It’s really not fair what he’s doing. Of course Ant will stay with Lisa, he shouldn’t have questioned that. But he shouldn’t have questioned Ant’s love, friendship and loyalty towards him either. He feels so silly now.

'Are you finished with this shit, Dec?' Ant asks, but he doesn't sound angry, just perhaps a little bit annoyed.

Dec looks up. They are just looking at each other for a while and Dec is so glad they don’t need words to tell each other about their love and they don’t have to put it into words that they are always there for each other. Looks and gestures will do just fine.

'Sorry,' he mumbles, 'I'm just… tired like, I guess,' it's the shittiest excuse he's ever come up with, but he knows he'll get away with it anyway. Fighting like this is just really not them.

'Yeah, us too,' Ant smiles at him easily, 'So… tea and then let's deal with this, shall we?'

'Maybe something a little bit stronger than tea,' Dec suggests and now he is smiling too. Ant laughs.

'Yeah, good idea.'

As they start walking back to the car Ant puts his hand on Dec’s back, and it feels like the most reassuring thing ever.

'So… front page, eh? We are kinda important like, y'know,' Ant says, his eyes are sparkling as he looks at Dec.

'Yeah,  _I am_  important,’ he laughs, and Ant makes a face, which means that they are okay now. Problem number one is solved, Dec thinks. Now what to do about tomorrow’s papers?


	3. Chapter 3

Ali hesitates before opening the front door of Dec’s house. She sighs.  _Dec’s house._ She moved in almost 6 months ago and she still calls it Dec’s house.

She is just about certain that today is the worst day of her life. She spent the whole day begging the editor of the Sun not to release that stupid picture, while trying to avoid having a nervous breakdown.

The fact that Ant and Dec are close is nothing new, of course, but she feels like a complete idiot for not knowing about their relationship, because now it seems like the most obvious thing ever. And then there’s that nagging, uncomfortable feeling in her stomach that will slowly, but surely develop into a proper heartbreak, but she’s too busy at the moment to acknowledge that, so she tries not to think about it.

Her loyalty to the boys and professionalism always come first, she can’t play the whiny ex-girlfriend (not ex yet officially, but who is she kidding) when Ant and Dec need her. So she neatly folds up all her personal feelings and thoughts on cheating and betrayal and puts them into this lovely drawer in the back of her mind with the sign on it: not now!

Still she’s feeling so many things at once that her head hurts. The manager inside her regrets that she didn’t know about it earlier, because she would’ve loved to work out the gay presenter husbands image. She’s also a bit confused, why the secrecy about all this, but mainly it’s just that they are her lads and she truly wants them to be happy, even though she would  _love_  to kill Dec at the moment.

She knows that she should be thinking about all the marketing aspects and start writing a statement and all that stuff, but she’s so worried what will happen when the picture actually gets published. The boys are already fighting and she’s not entirely sure they will be able to handle it. At least they have each other, she thinks and with that thought finally opens the door.

The house is quiet, and for a moment Ali thinks they went down to the pub, but then she notices light coming out of the living room. She puts down her stuff and takes her coat off. Deep breath, she tells herself as she steps into the sitting room.  _They need you now, come on._

They are both on the sofa, Dec all crawled up and sleeping, his head is on Ant’s lap. With one hand he’s hugging Ant’s waist, he’s snuggled up unbelievably close to him.

Ant’s awake, but he doesn’t notice Ali at first, he’s just staring into space distantly, while absent-mindedly stroking Dec’s hair. As Ali takes one more step, he looks up and hurriedly takes his hand off Dec, like it was forbidden for him to touch him. He looks at her apologetically, but it doesn’t matter. Ali is trying really hard not to cry. Jealousy is killing her and the worst part is that they look so beautiful together. They just simply… match. And it all seems so natural. Ali knows that  _she_  and Dec would never be this perfect.

'Ehm… I'd like to talk to you,' she says finally, voice not as firm and confident as she'd like it to be. 'I'll be in the kitchen, when… when you're ehm… ready,' this comes out, as if she was accusing Ant of something, and it's followed by an awkward silence. Shit. She doesn't want to make Ant uncomfortable – it's not his fault after all.

'Yeah, okay,' Ant murmurs and he waits until Ali leaves the room. The door is left open though and as much as she wants to look away, she cannot take her eyes off them. Ant's movements are so gentle; he brushes away a piece of hair from Dec's face, stroking his face gently, slowly waking him up.

'Decky,' he says, his voice is softer than Ali ever heard.

Dec rubs his eyes and sits up grumpily.

'Ali's here, Decs. She wants to talk to us like,' Ant says quietly.

Dec looks distressed. He takes a deep breath to get himself together and stands up.

'Come on then,' he says.

As Ant and Dec step into the kitchen Ali’s sense of professionalism kicks in and she turns into full manager mode.

'We're gonna have to decide how to handle things,' she starts when the two men sit down to the kitchen table as well. 'The sooner the better,' she adds pointedly.

Ant nods, Dec is avoiding eye-contact.  _Okay, then._

'I'll have to call back the Sun soon. They are willing to delay the publishing and give us one more day, if you want it, but you’ll have to give them an exclusive interview,’ Ali watches as their faces light up, hearing the news.

'So, it won't be out tomorrow?' Ant asks, his voice is more high-pitched than usual.

'No, not tomorrow,' Ali shakes her head. 'It'll be on the front page on Tuesday,' she doesn't mention how hard it was to achieve that. The Sun sells more copies on a Monday than a Tuesday and they naturally didn't want to give that up. 'But, please think about it, okay? An exclusive interview with them… It might not worth one more day. There's a likely possibility that the interview gets really nasty.'

Ant and Dec look at each other. Ali can’t read their faces, they look totally expressionless. They turn back to her in perfect sync.

'We want the extra day,' Ant says.

It’s been a decade now, but Ali is still amazed every time they do that. They look at each other and they just know what the other is thinking.

'Okay, then,' she says and sighs. 'Look. I didn't want to do anything before talking to you, so I haven't told anyone about it. But I'll have to start telling people at James Grant, because I can't deal with this alone.'

They both nod, in sync again.

'Yeah, of course,' says Dec, with a tired smile, 'Everybody's gonna know eventually, so…'

'Okay. I'm going to draft a statement tonight that we can put out on Tuesday. I cleared out your schedules, the only thing left tomorrow is the Takeaway meeting.'

'So we are still doing that?' Dec sounds surprised.

'You have a contract with ITV. They can't cancel the show, Dec.'

'Yeah, I know  _that,_ ' Dec says, 'I mean, wouldn't it be wiser to like… disappear for a while?' the question seems to be addressed to Ali, but he's looking at Ant.

'I don't think disappearing would be a great solution,' Ali says. 'Unless you're thinking about… quitting show business altogether,' she says carefully and waits for their reactions.

Dec immediately looks at Ant - it’s obvious they talked about it earlier - but Ant just lets out a tired sigh.

'No. We are not quitting,' he says quietly and Ali nods.

There is a slight pause in the conversation, but it’s not necessarily awkward. Ali tries to look reassuring, but she’s not sure how convincing it is.

'Oh, god, we'll have to start thinking about gay jokes for the opening,' Dec laughs suddenly and both Ant and Ali smile.

'Yeah, well…' Ali shakes off the urge to hug Dec and switches back into manager mode, 'Anyway I am quite concerned about ITV, to be honest. It would probably be fair to give them a warning before it's out, but not just yet. I don't want us to be attacked from the inside as well.'

She notices how Dec looks up when she says ‘us’. It hurts quite a bit that Dec questions her loyalty. Of course it’s  _us_ , Ali thinks, of course, we are in this together.

'And now, the awkward bit,' she sighs.

'Oh, so this wasn't meant to be awkward,' Ant jokes and the way how much – despite everything – they manage to stay themselves makes Ali smile.

'I have to know facts for the statement and to prepare you for the interview. You obviously don't have to tell me everything, but you'll have to be able to answer mean and… well, _juicy_  questions. And for that, so I can prepare you, I need to know facts.’

Ant looks at Dec, who motions him with his head to start.

'Well,' Ant's face is completely serious, without any hint of playfulness or cheekiness on it, and that really scares Ali. 'It's been-'

Ant’s phone starts ringing at the perfect moment, interrupting the sentence. Ali has never been so glad to hear Newcastle United’s  _Local Hero_  in her life.

'Sorry,' Ant says as he goes back to the sitting room with his phone in his hand and it sounds more like an apology for leaving the two of them alone rather than for taking the call.

'Ali-' starts Dec immediately, but she interrupts him right away.

'We talked about this a million times, Dec, before we got together. This is my job and we'll have to deal with the personal things later. I will… I'll move to one of my friends. We have to keep it separate. You have to let me do my job.'

'I just wanted to say sorry. And you don't have to go. I'll sleep on the sofa,' Dec says defensively, 'I know I wasn't fair to youse and I shouldn't have…'

'Let's not do this now, Dec, okay?'

'I should've told you, Ali. I'm so sorry'

'You should have told me what?' Ali seems confused, but Dec is now looking at his hands and doesn't answer, 'You should have told me what??'

Still no reply. And then Ali suddenly understands.

'Oh god, you cheated on  _him_  with  _me_ , right? You were with him  _first_ …! Jesus, Dec, how long have the two of you been…’ she can’t find the right word, ‘…doing this?’

Dec finally looks up. His green eyes are burning with regret and Ali’s decision to handle her personal life and work separately is pretty much gone.

'On and off, pretty much since…' Dec's voice is hoarse and full of resentfulness, 'PJ and Duncan,' he finally says.

'Oh, Declan…' Ali stands up and turns away from Dec – hands on hips, eyes closed; not quite believing. 'But you've been… You've been dating!' she turns back, unable to process it, 'Clare…! You were with Clare for 11 years, Dec!'

'It's not like…' Dec seems desperate to make her understand, 'It's two different things, you know. I have me friendship with Ant and I have me relationships.'

'And you think this is normal? Because it's not exactly  _just_  a friendship, if you’re sleeping with him, is it…?! Dec you can’t be with two people at the same time!’

'Well, it's not  _my_  fault, is it?!’ Dec yells at her angrily and Ali is taken aback by the aggressiveness of it.

She unconsciously, but almost immediately looks at Ant, who is just finishing off his phone conversation and returning to the kitchen. Ali’s beginning to suspect that there is a lot more that she doesn’t know about the boys’ relationship. So that’s why they kept it a secret? Because Ant doesn’t want to make it public? And what’s up with Lisa? A part of her  _really_  doesn’t want to know, but at the same time she’s strangely intrigued by their secrets and frankly, - she cannot believe it, but – by their love story.

'I'm sorry…' Dec says quickly, before Ant re-enters the room, 'I- I didn't mean to shout and… I'm sorry about that'

There is a devastated expression on Ant’s face as he comes in and slowly puts down his phone onto the kitchen table.

'What's wrong, Anth?' Dec asks and he sounds worried – Ali notices how Dec's attention immediately shifts from her to Ant.

'We forgot about dinner,' Ant says, 'Lisa's waiting. She says, the food's getting cold'

'Oh, shit, it's Sunday,' Dec exclaims with his head in his hands. The four of them usually have dinner together on Sundays.

Ali is worried about something else however.

'Ehm, Ant?' it's like the moment before you rip of the plaster, she thinks.

'Yeah?'

Deep deep deep breath and…  _go_!

'I'd rather if you didn't tell Lisa yet.'

Ant’s chair falls down as he stands up, ‘What?!’

'I'm sorry, but if this gets out of control…'

'Are youse worried she's gonna tell someone? That Lise will go to the papers? She's not gonna tell any-'

'We don't know how she's going to react, so I'm asking you to  _please_  trust me and don’t tell her for another day.’

'I can't do that, Ali,' Ant shakes his head, he pretty much appears to be in shock, 'I  _have_   _to_  tell her.’

'Well, you managed without telling her for 20 bloody years, so you can wait one more fucking day, right?'

There’s a long pause. Dec is looking at Ali, while Ali’s watching Ant. Ant is the first to break the eye-contact; he looks away and finally nods, but he doesn’t say anything.

'Okay. I think that was enough for today,' Ali says. 'I guess, we can go through the interview stuff tomorrow,' she lets out a big sigh, 'I'll call the Sun and tell them you want the extra day. I will talk to you in the morning,' she says as she grabs her bag and coat.

'Wait, you're not coming to dinner?'

'Ehm, no,' Ali says and seeing the miserable faces she adds, 'I have to deal with… all  _this_ ’

'Oh, fuck!' Dec seems frustrated as he looks up at Ant, 'Don't expect _us_  to go now, Ant. It’s not me job to deal with your wife – it’s yours,’ he says and as soon as he finishes the sentence he seems to regret its harshness.

Ant is quiet for a moment, then his eyes meet Dec’s. Ant seems to be on the edge of crying and suddenly Ali feels like disappearing. This is  _their_  fight, this is  _their_ moment,  _their_  own private life and she feels like an intruder. Even though they are all in this together and she would never walk out on them; she is so glad that she doesn’t have to be a part of  _this_.

'I need you with me, Dec,' Ant whispers and Ali's heart skips a beat. It's so unlike Ant to look this…  _broken_.

Dec is already standing, hugging him and they are clinging onto each other desperately; as if they were afraid if they let go, they lose each other forever.

Ali can’t do anything, but quietly sneak out of her own home, in the middle of the night, while her soon to be ex-boyfriend and his long-term lover comfort each other in the kitchen. She can’t do anything, because she did hear it.

_'You would, wouldn't you?! You would actually leave Ali… for me.'_


	4. Chapter 4

'What youse said today… this morning…' Ant starts, then takes a drag of his cigarette. He never finishes though and Dec curiously looks up.

'Yeah?'

They are sitting outside of Dec’s house, on the steps. The night is quite chilly, but they couldn’t care less.

'You said 10 years. If we were brave enough 10 years ago to… do it properly, that's what you said, right?' Ant says and Dec nods, then asks for the cigarette.

Ant hands it to him with a surprised little smile.

'Since when do you smoke, Decs?' he asks.

'Apparently since now,' Dec answers with a shrug. They smile at each other.

A comfortable silence follows. Ant finds some comfort in the fact that they are on the same page again. The familiar feeling of total understanding between the two of them is finally back and he feels like kissing Dec. He doesn’t do it though – mainly because he is afraid Dec would reject him. He would understand the rejection, of course; his wife is still waiting for them only three doors down.

'So what's with the 10 years?' Dec asks and hands the cigarette back, as he blows out the smoke.

'I was just wondering why you said 10. I mean we've been together much longer than that, so… what happened 10 years ago that should have… you know, changed everything? I don't see where the… the choice was. I mean… Oh!' he looks at Dec as the realisation sinks in, '10 years ago I decided to ask Lisa…'

'…to marry you, yeah,' Dec finishes the sentence with a sad smile, 'That's where the choice was,' he adds quietly. 'Come on, let's go. We're 2 hours late from tea like,' he says as he stands up and he pulls up Ant too.

Ant is frustrated. He wants to continue the conversation, he wants to know more about how Dec feels. It just occurs to him that he never once stopped to think about how the engagement would effect Dec. The marriage, of course, they talked lots about the marriage itself – how it would change their relationship and stuff. Dec was always really supportive about it though and Ant never thought that he was supportive because he already thought it was over and done with. For Ant the proposal wasn’t a final decision, it was just something that sort of had to happen sooner or later and could be changed, altered or even cancelled at any time. Apparently for Dec, the proposal meant that Ant chose Lisa instead of him.

Now he feels guilty – he should’ve thought it through from Dec’s perspective as well. He sighs. He thought, he knew everything about his partner. Dec clearly doesn’t want to talk about it though, so he just drops the topic.

'Where do you think Ali got the picture anyway?' he asks as they walk up to his front door.

'I think she has an ex at the paper, why?' Dec shrugs and takes a deep breath, preparing himself for the next couple of hours.

'Just wondering… So you're not gonna ask her to marry youse any time soon then?' Ant asks with a cheeky smile as he gets his keys out of his pocket.

'Oh, shut up,' Dec laughs, then he adds a bit more seriously; 'It's all gonna be fine.'

Ant nods and opens the door.

'I really hope so.'

                                                  

 

They only speak three sentences during the first course – Ant counts them. Three bloody sentences. First Lisa asks them about their day (to which they both shrug). Then Dec asks for the salt, that’s the second one. The silence is awkward and tense.

Lisa is a bit grumpy, because she had to re-heat everything, also the lame explanation why Ali is not there (‘Oh, she has lots of work to do, pet…’) obviously didn’t satisfy her entirely.

Dec makes it very clear he’s not willing to participate, which is understandable, of course. It’s kind of ridiculous though how awfully focused he is on eating his chicken.

'So how was work, guys?' Lisa tries to make conversation again and that's the third sentence. She seems so confused, when they stay silent and it breaks Ant's heart.

When they start with the dessert Ant can tell that Lisa is more than curious now.

'Okay, so what's going on? Have you fallen out or something?' she doesn't sound demanding at all, she actually looks a little bit bemused. They famously get along and it's not often that they have any kind of argument or even misunderstanding.

'No,' say Ant and Dec together and Lisa raises an eyebrow.

'Oh,  _okay_  then,’ says Lisa with strong sarcasm and suppresses a smile. That’s the moment where Ant thinks his marriage is actually ruined. Lisa will  _never_ forgive him. He looks up at Dec for support, but the other man only manages a weak smile.

'Want some more cake, Decky?' Lisa asks as she goes back to the kitchen and Dec sighs. It's hard for him too. Ant sees it in his eyes that he feels disgusted with himself.

It never happened before that they couldn’t separate their  _relationship_  from their friendship. When there were other people around they didn’t even think about it, they were  _just friends_  – it was all so natural. Probably that’s why they were able to keep it up for so long. But now? Everything has changed. Dec is actually acting like his _secret lover_ or whatever. It’s ridiculous, Ant thinks.

'No, thank you, Lise. And I think, I'm… actually going home. It was all very lovely, thanks,' Dec says hurriedly and he stands up. He avoids Ant's gaze.

'So it's pretty bad, eh…?' smiles Lisa, as she catches Dec at the door; then she turns to Ant, 'What have you done this time? Another board game, is it?'

They both force themselves to laugh and Lisa shakes her head.

'Okay, I'll leave you to it then… 5-year-olds, that's what you are…' she murmurs, then she kisses Dec goodnight and goes back to the kitchen.

Ant and Dec look at each other.

'I'm sorry,' Ant says right away.

'10 years late with that, Anth,' Dec answers, but he doesn't look angry, only sad. Incredibly sad.

Ant has no idea what to say to that, so he just nods apologetically.

'See youse tomorrow?' Dec asks as he opens the door.

'Yeah.'

They lock eyes one more time, share a smile, then Ant closes the door behind him.

 _Here we go._ He’s already dreading the next bit.

                                                  

 

'So what was that about?' Lisa asks him right away, when he enters the kitchen.

'What d'you mean, pet?'

‘ _Well!_  That whole not talking business, love… What’s gotten into the two of you?’ Lisa asks with a kind smile. She’s already started packing away the remains of dinner – she’s at the sink, doing the washing up.

Ant shrugs and awkwardly puts his hands into his pockets.

'Don't know what ya mean… Nowt wrong with us,' he says, painfully aware of the fact that he sounds like a child, explaining himself to his mother. 'Just having a bad day like,' he adds.

'It's okay, if you don't wanna talk about it, Ant – that's not why I'm asking…' Lisa turns back from the sink with a warm smile. 'I don't like it, when the pair of you are not okay,' she adds casually, 'You get frustrated and quite snappy, to be honest.'

Ant knows, he should just go to bed. Today had its emotional ups and downs and he feels incredibly exhausted.

'Not everything I do is about Dec,' he says grumpily and hands some dirty plates to Lisa.

'Of course not,' Lisa laughs, sarcasm strong in her voice.

Ant swallows his retort and folds up the tablecloth.

'I think you should go and talk to him, love' Lisa suggests, still laughing a little bit, 'Wouldn't it be better? If you apologise now, you'll be able to get a good night sleep.'

Ant looks up.

'Why do you think it's  _us_  who’s done something?’ he asks slowly and there is this threatening quality to his voice, but Lisa doesn’t seem to notice.

'Oh, I didn't… It's just, well, he's the one who was sulking, so I assumed…' she looks up and falls quiet as she sees Ant's face.

Ant is full of anger and he knows it shows. Frankly, he cannot really believe they are having this conversation right now.

'I don't know, Ant, you never talk to me about him!' Lisa says, still half-joking.

'So youse just assumed…!'

'No, I-'

'You know what? I had enough of this. Everyone is blaming me for every fucking thing-'

'What? No, Ant, I-'

'-and nothing even happened! Anyway why can't it be  _him_  that’s done something? Isn’t it possible that for once it’s his fucking fault?!’ Ant’s head hurts and he can hear Dec’s voice ringing in his ear, asking him why he married Lisa. He must be really tired, if he’s hearing voices now. ‘I didn’t plan it like this, okay?! It just happened!’

'I have no idea what you're talking about, Ant,' Lisa says dryly, putting away some plates. 'Please go and fix things with Dec, because otherwise you're gonna be unbearable all week and I'm not in the mood for that.'

'I TOLD YOU, NOTHING HAPPENED!'

'Please don't shout, Ant.'

Ant closes his eyes for a moment to calm himself down. He’s yelling at Lisa – why exactly? Because she wants him and Dec to be okay? Because she’s a little bit pushy? Oh, fuck. Things are really getting out of hand now, and the picture is not even published yet. There’s no way she’s going to forgive him – how could he ever think she’ll forgive him…?

'I'm going to bed now,' Ant says, rubbing his nose. He turns around – careful not look at Lisa – and slowly starts walking away.

'You know, I really  _do_  think you should go and talk out whatever happened between the two of you,’ Lisa says quietly, tilting her head. Ant turns back from the door.

'It's fine, Lise, don't worry about it,' he says tiredly, folding his arms _._

'I'm only saying-'

'Okay!' Ant interrupts her suddenly, shouting again, 'I'm going, okay? I'm fucking leaving right now! Are you happy?!'

There is a pause, then, ‘Ant.’ Lisa’s voice is calm, even a bit pleading.

'What?' he turns back again nonchalantly.

'I'm sorry, babe. You know, I didn't mean it like that. I just know how upset you get when the two of you fall out and I thought-'

'Well, you thought it wrong.'

'-that it would be better to solve things now than to sulk about it for ages and then solve them later anyway.'

Ant forces himself to ignore all the emotions that are swirling inside him, all the anger, the confusion, love and desperation. He takes a deep breath.

'Yeah, you're right,' he says and Lisa looks surprised, 'I'll go. I'll go and talk to him and… we'll solve things and stuff.'

'Okay, then, love. I'm sorry, I was so pushy,' her voice is affectionate and Ant knows her well enough to know that she really wants hug him right now to sort of… officially end the fight. He decides not to care though and takes a step back instead.

'It's fine,' he says distantly.

'If Ali's okay with it, I don't mind if you stay there for the night… You know, if it takes long or something,' Lisa adds with a sweet smile, trying to end the conversation on a positive note.

Ant thinks he’s going to have a heart-attack. What kind of sick joke is this? His wife is sending him to spend a night at his secret…  _boyfriend_ 's house –  _you know, if it takes long or something_.

'Oh, okay, thanks,' is the only thing he can manage and now he's really determined to leave the kitchen once and for all.

'Love you, Ant!' she calls after him and he pauses for a moment.

'Yeah, you too, pet,' he answers. His head is spinning, he can't feel his legs any more, even his voice is tired. He really had enough of this day.

                                                  

 

Dec is wearing a tight T-shirt and pants when he opens the door and – despite everything that’s happened – Ant’s first thought is that he looks absolutely stunning.

'Oh, hey,' Dec says, yawning. 'What's wrong?' he asks, a bit concerned – probably he can tell, Ant is upset.

'Lisa sent me to apologise,' Ant barges in energetically, but then stops abruptly in the middle of the living room, not sure what to do.

'I'm sorry?' Dec asks, as he closes the door.

'She thinks, we are fighting and I've done something and now you're upset and she sent me to bloody  _apologise_ … Oh and she said it’s okay if I wanna spend the night here! Isn’t this  _just_  great?!’

'Oh, Ant…'

'I swear, Decky, I didn't want this to happen!' Ant's shaking his head violently, his hands are on his hips, he is looking at the ceiling, trying not to break down, crying. He still can't believe this is actually happening to them. 'I- I didn't want to- Shit, I'm so sorry.'

”S not your fault, baby,’ Dec says with quiet reassurance as he quickly closes the distance between them and wraps his arms around him.

Ant thinks he would be totally fine if he could hug Dec for the rest of his life. His comforting warm body is all that he will ever need. Their cheeks are brushing, and Ant can feel Dec’s warm breath on the back of his neck. His fingers are all tangled in Dec’s hair and just like this, the hug slowly turns into a kiss.

Dec doesn’t kiss back at first, but he doesn’t move away either. It’s not the best kiss they ever shared, nor the most romantic, it’s theirs though and it’s just so  _them_  and that is the only thing that matters right now. Ant bites down on Dec’s lower lip and Dec’s hands are moving down from his back to his waist. Ant is in control and the kiss becomes rough and a bit aggressive, but Dec doesn’t seem to mind.

'Oh god,' Ant whispers, out of breath.

They end up on the sofa, still exchanging heated kisses. Ant smiles as he feels Dec’s familiar weight on top of him. When they are together like this, he actually does start to wonder why he married Lisa. Dec and him… they are just so perfect together, aren’t they?

'Hmmm, no' Dec murmurs, as Ant hints tiny little kisses on his neck, 'No,' he says again, now a bit more determined. He eventually manages to pull away.

Ant’s hands settle on the other man’s hips. He looks up.

'What?' he asks, even though he knows exactly what it is.

'Cannot do this, man,' Dec says, while sitting up; he shakes off Ant's hands. 'Ant, you have a… She's- Lisa is at home and… Oh, god. This is just so… fucked up,' he says, as he runs a hand through his hair.

Ant doesn’t say anything. He knows Dec is not finished yet, so he waits for him to collect his thoughts. Ant also knows that Dec is not looking at him, because that way it’s easier for him to stay calm. It’s obvious, he’s trying really hard not to start shouting at him and even though he appreciates the effort, Ant already knows Dec’s going to lose it pretty soon.

'You said, you wanted to stay with her, Ant,' Dec starts and Ant can see he desperately wants to understand it. 'You said – just this morning – that you and her will solve everything  _together_  and… And now you’re… you’re here and you want to… you want to have sex with me?!’ Dec takes a deep breath, but he’s already raising his voice and Ant can’t really blame him.

He knows it’s disgusting what he’s doing. Since they started this..  _thing_  – he’s not sure what to call it any more – he always treated their sexual relationship as a part of their friendship. It was just an extra unavoidable ingredient, and they were young and they enjoyed it, so they never really tried to do anything about it. As the years passed, however, it started to become something more. Yeah, sure, there was still a lot of sex involved, but Ant sometimes caught himself not just wanting, but  _needing_ Dec’s touch and the more or less accidental ‘ _love_ _y_ _a_ 's after a heated night became more and more frequent.

The problem was, they didn’t talk much about it. It was just their secret thing, and by not talking about it they managed to avoid feeling guilty as well. And then… then Ant met Lisa. From the first second, he knew she was  _the one_. But loving her and being with her was so different from what he experienced with Dec, that it never even occurred to him that he should _choose_ between the two of them. Of course, he knew, it was fucked up, but to break up with Dec? That was unimaginable.

So they just carried on, as if nothing happened. Dec buried his feelings and swallowed his bitter comments and Ant ignored the guilt of loving two people at the same time. They learned to live with it.

Ant sighs, because he knows, what’s coming. 20 years of repressed feelings, that’s what’s coming. He always said, they should fight more often.

'I'm always gonna be here for you, Ant, you kna that, but you can't just fucking  _use_ me, man!’ Dec is properly shouting now, ‘I have feelings too, y’know! And have I ever said anything about it? Not a fucking word, Ant! I respected your choices and I fucking shut up about it, but you know what? I’m sick of it!’ he stands up angrily, ‘I’m sick of waiting for you, hoping that one day you will actually bloody choose me. Because it’s never going to happen, is it?! You’re always gonna choose her, because- I don’t know why!’ he shakes his head, he’s almost hysterical now.

'I have no idea why, because you never told me! Is it because you're embarrassed of loving us? Is it because I'm not a  _woman_? I’m fucking fed up with this, Ant,’ there is so much hopelessness in Dec’s voice that Ant wants to kill himself. ‘I’m yours! Completely! You can do whatever you want with me, Ant! And you still choose  _her_ over _me_  every fucking time and I don’t think I can take it any more…’

Dec finally makes eye-contact with him, and maybe it’s just because he’s so unbelievably tired, but the only thing he can think about is how beautiful Dec’s eyes are. Even after 25 years he still can’t decide whether they are green or blue, but that’s just part of the magic… As the light falls on them, they are sort of sparkling and…

'Ant, can you please concentrate when I'm fucking talking to you?!'

Ant looks up. He has no idea what to say, other than he’s so confused and has been about this whole thing from the very beginning. He decides to deal with it one step at a time and start with the current situation.

'I'm sorry I kissed youse,' he says slowly.

Dec throws himself back to the sofa with an annoyed snort and a face that says ‘ _Are you shitting me right now?’_

'It's just…' Ant continues, '…you held us and it just felt so, I don't know…  _right_.’

Dec is staring at him for a moment, as if he cannot believe his ears.

'Oh, for fuck's sake, McPartlin!' he says, but his voice is full of love and he hugs Ant tightly. 'You always know what to say, don't ya?' he laughs into Ant's chest, as he falls back on top of him.

They come out of the hug, both wiping their tears away. Dec wants to sit up, but Ant holds him firmly and he finally settles down, hugging Ant’s waist with one hand, while resting his head on his shoulder.

'I hate you so much right now,' Dec murmurs lovingly.

'I love you too, Dec,' Ant says and he finally closes his tired eyes.

It’s been a bloody long day.


	5. Chapter 5

Ali looks at her watch as she gets into the lift in the hall of the ITV building. She almost feels relieved – she’s only 15 minutes late.

She thought, yesterday was the worst day of her life, but oh, she was  _so_  wrong. It’s only 11 am and she’s already convinced that today’s going to be even worse.

She woke up an hour later than planned, in a strange apartment, on the most uncomfortable sofa – she’s certain – in the whole of West London. Her hair looks like a complete mess – she forgot to take her comb last night and was too much of a coward to go back for it -, she already has 12 missed calls from Fearne (why did she _ever_  think, she can manage Ant and Dec  _and_  Fearne Cotton at the same time?!) and her mother left her 3 messages about wanting to have lunch with her and Dec next week. And, yeah, thanks, Mum, that’s just what she needs right now; on top of all this mess, a reminder of her most terrible personal decision  _ever_. Starting a relationship with her client of 10 years, who’s desperately – and by the way, quite obviously – in love with his work partner, who is another bloke… She can’t really imagine anything more ridiculous than that.

She runs down the corridor, but slows down before the last couple of steps. She knows that being in a rush gives people the idea that she’s disorganised, and keeping your authority and dignity is quite important when your job is to represent other people. Yeah, right, ‘cause keeping her dignity is still an option…

She takes a deep breath and opens the door of the meeting room.

'Sorry, I'm late,' Ali walks in with an apologetic smile.

They are all sitting around the big round table. The air is tense and uncomfortable, and Ali suspects, it’s because the boys look so miserable. They probably haven’t said a word since they came in, and the others are obviously wondering what’s going on. Having a meeting on a Monday – which is usually the whole crew’s day off – with all the producers, the director, the writers and basically the whole production team is quite unusual. Waiting 15 minutes with two grumpy TV presenters for their manager (who shouldn’t even be in the meeting) is probably even more confusing.

She sits down next to Dec and tries to look very professional, ‘Thanks for coming everyone…’ she can feel Dec tense up next to her.

'We're gonna need quite a few gay jokes on this week's show,' Ant starts with an uncomfortable smile.

'More than usual?' someone asks, laughing.

Seeing Ant’s and Dec’s painful expressions, Ali decides to take control of the situation…  _Let’s get on with it then._

'There is going to be a picture of Ant and Dec in tomorrow's Sun, alongside an article about them having an affair,' Ali says and she practised this sentence so many times, that by now, it actually sounds pretty casual.

There are a few confused laughs, most of them seem to think it’s a wind-up.

'Here's the picture, if you want to take a look,' as Ali puts it down to the table, the room falls silent. They are all staring at it, but no one actually moves towards it. A minute goes by and they are all beginning to look at Ant and Dec questioningly.

Ali expects Ant to handle it, but to her surprise, he seems much more embarrassed than Dec and stays silent.

'Unfortunately, the picture  _is_  real,’ Dec says and his voice sounds amazingly confident, ‘And we  _have been_  having an affair.’

Ali doesn’t leave time for a reaction; she wants to make this as easy for the boys as possible, ‘We have a little bit of leverage by knowing about it and we are going to handle it appropriately. We hope this won’t affect Takeaway very badly and we would like you to carry on as you always do with all aspects of the show.’

There are a few shocked faces, a couple of ‘ _I knew it all along_ ' smiles, and they are all directed towards Ant and Dec. Ali glances up at them and they both look calm and seem to be prepared for anything from a fight to joking their way through it. It must give them such strength that they are together in this, Ali thinks.

'Naturally, if anyone has any problems or if you don't want to be part of this… ehm madness that I'm sure will follow, that's okay and it's understandable – you can talk to Ali and she will take care of it,' Dec explains, and his face is open and honest. Ali could kiss him right here, right now. She loves how professional they both are – it makes her job so much easier.

'We are honestly really sorry about jeopardising the show this way like,' Ant continues, shifting in his seat, 'And… we obviously have no idea how it's gonna go down, so… We know, it's not going to be easy, and we just hope that you'll all stick with us,' he finishes, and the balance of guilt and understanding in his voice is just perfect.

Ali wonders how much of it is genuine. She knows, they are better actors than most people think, but pulling this off… It must be real, she decides.

There is a whole variety of reactions. The writers are taking it quite lightly, already joking around, the producers seem to think Ant and Dec are capable of overcoming everything. Chris Powers – who’s been their director from the very beginning here and in Australia as well – on the other hand, appears to be absolutely shocked.

'You sure, it's not a wind-up or photoshop or something?' he asks, half-joking, but with a hopeful light in his eyes.

Dec looks at Ant, they silently communicate for a moment, probably evaluating the reactions. Then Ant turns back to Chris and shakes his head with a sad smile, ‘I’m afraid it’s not. Sorry.’

'Since when?' someone asks, and it makes Ali look up. The question is sharp and said with an unfriendly, slightly judgemental undertone.

'I'm sorry?' its harshness surprises Dec too. Ant just looks away.

'Since when have you been having an affair?'

'I believe that's a very personal and inappropriate question,' Ali steps in with cold calmness. She can't remember the guy's name, but she thinks, he's someone from the floor manager, Alan Conley's team. The man eventually loses the staring contest with Ali and uncomfortably shifts in his seat, beginning to examine his hands. It's incredible how much strength Ali has when it comes to protecting the boys.

The determination in her voice however brings attention to  _her_  and she can see the recognition in people’s eyes as they seem to be reminded of the fact that she’s Dec’s girlfriend. Well,  _was_  Dec’s girlfriend.

The whole thing is very embarrassing for everyone and an uncomfortable silence follows. The shame paints Ali’s cheeks red, and she feels like dying as more and more people are starting to stare at her curiously. She desperately tries to clear her head and think straight.  _What else_ _did she want to say_ _…? Oh, right!_

'I'd also like to ask you not to talk to the press or issue any statements – my office will handle that,' she says and they all nod – nobody's saying a word.

Ant is massaging the bridge of his nose, it seems like he has a very bad headache. Ali catches as Dec shoots a worried glance at him. She can almost see the decision forming in Dec’s head to get Ant out of the room, before things get worse.

'We'll let you ehm… process things, I guess…' Dec smiles awkwardly, and he unconsciously leans a little closer to Ant, as if trying to protect him. They stand up in perfect synchronisation.

As they head towards the door Ant casually puts his hand on Dec’s back. Now, in normal circumstances this would go completely unnoticed; everyone is used to the fact that Ant and Dec touch a lot. They all know that they are  _bestest friends forever and ever_ and depend on each other in a very unhealthy way and all that stuff. To be honest, usually it seems like the most natural thing ever. But not today.

Every pair of eyes in the room are now fixed on Ant’s hand. First he doesn’t even realise what has happened, he’s just looking around, confused why people are staring. Then when he finally does realise it, he freezes. Completely. Not moving, not breathing, not doing anything – just gracelessly standing there in silence.

It’s Dec who eventually moves away with a bitter smile and lets Ant’s hand fall down. Ali can clearly see the distaste and surprise on his face. He just experienced what’s in stock for them and it’s already worse than he expected. Ant just fucking touched his back, for god’s sake – it’s not like they started snogging each other or something.

Ali shakes her head – she’s sort of still in denial, I mean this  _cannot_  be possibly happening – but then she just lets out a sigh and tries to save the day.  _Again._

'So, as Ant said, if anyone has a problem, just please find me!' she says, cheerfully, maybe a little bit too loud.

'See you tomorrow then…' Dec adds, as if he wasn't sure what else to say and takes a determined step towards the door. Ant follows him hurriedly, and it's obvious, this time he is careful about not touching Dec.

They all say bye and Ali feels desperate to escape from all the confused looks, so she follows the boys as quickly as she can.

'Well, that was a lovely experience,' Dec says, sarcastically, as they start their way down the corridor.

'Aye, very lovely,' Ant answers with the exact same tone.

Ali is a few steps behind them, trying to catch up in her high heeled shoes. She notices how Dec’s hand moves towards Ant’s, but they never actually touch; Dec stops mid-movement.  _Shit, this is gonna be so hard._

They enter Ant’s dressing room and there is one second when they all let their guards down. In that one second everything falls apart. Dec rests his head against a wall and starts moaning painfully, while Ant is sorely rubbing his eyes – he couldn’t have gotten much sleep last night…   
Ali just stands there, letting this desperate and helpless expression – that she’s been so cautious about – sneak its way onto her face, while staring at the two men.

Then the moment passes, they all take a deep breath and sit down at a table. Ant runs a hand through his hair, then looks up at Ali, as if asking  _what_ _now_.

'Okay. So…' she starts and she's amazed by how positive her voice sounds, 'The interview…'

Ali thinks through all the things she will have to ask them. All the things the ex-girlfriend in her really doesn’t want to know, but the manager _has to_. This is going to be one long conversation, she thinks.

'First of all, you'll have to make decisions,' she says, 'I will tell you the options you have and what I recommend, then you can choose which one you want to go with, okay?'

'We do whatever youse think is the best, pet,' Ant's smile is tired, but warm.

'We trust you,' Dec confirms and it's so strange to hear this from him, because… Well, she might still love him, but  _she_  doesn’t trust  _him_  at all. Not in the way she did a couple of days ago anyway.

She smiles back, but shakes her head.

'That's very sweet of you, but I don't think you're going to like my recommendation,' she says, letting out a joyless little laugh. 'I'm sorry in advance for all these things I'm going to say, but let's just… I'm not your friend right now, okay? I'm your manager.'

They both nod.

'I don't know whether you are… planning on actually… ehm starting a relationship, but…' they both try to interrupt her, but she puts up her hand, 'Let me finish, okay?'

They sit back uneasily, and Ali notices that they are very careful about not looking at each other. She was hoping that by now they would at least have  _some kind_  of idea about what they want to do with the situation, but it seems that that was just a very nice little delusion she had. They don’t appear to be anywhere near of a solution at the moment and that’s really bad. The sooner they decide what they want, the easier it is to prepare for the media storm that will certainly follow.

'Even if you don't consider the option of being…  _together together_ ,’ they both look up at that, so Ali quickly continues, ‘I think our best chance is to go with a cheeky gay presenter husbands kind of image.’

Dec snorts in an annoyed fashion, but he doesn’t try to interrupt her this time.

'We'll emphasise your friendship and your strong bond and the fact that you are _unbelievably_  perfect togther,’ Ali explains, ‘We’ll put out a really innocent-sounding statement, apologising to all the fans and your families.’

She notices how Dec cringes even at the mention of his family. His family. His very traditional and very catholic family – oh god, Ali totally forgot about that…

'We will have to highlight the fact that you've been together from the very beginning,' she continues, 'And that you actually cheated on  _each other_  by having girlfriends; not the other way around,’ Ali can’t stop herself and a little bit of sarcasm sneaks into her voice.

Ant shakes his head, obviously thinking this is ridiculous, while Dec is just uncomfortably staring at his hands.

'Also, that you've always loved each other, but oh-so- _tragically_  society and your working-class backgrounds forced you into thinking that you had to keep your relationship a secret,’ Ali can already tell that they are never going to agree to this, but she has to give it a try. ‘This will get people to sympathise with you. Being flamboyant and joking about being gay is a trend now anyway. It’s really modern and seems new and clever and witty.’ Ali sighs, seeing the boys’ reactions. They both seem… shocked a little bit. ‘So that’s one option,’ she finishes hesitantly.

'That is not an option,' Dec says immediately, not even looking up, 'That's a lie.'

'Well, I have no idea what the truth  _is_ , Declan, and I had to come up with something, so…!’ she snaps at him and she doesn’t want to raise her voice, but she does it anyway. She expected the rejection, but they didn’t even give it a chance and that makes her angry. Also she still wants to kill Dec, which is not exactly helping.

'I'm not going to lie and tell made-up stories about-' Dec starts shouting, but Ant places a calm hand on his shoulder, which silences him right away. As he looks up expectantly at Ant his features soften and Ali thinks she can actually feel jealousy poking her in the heart. No, no, it's more like  _stabbing_  her in the heart.

'Let's start with the truth then, okay?' Ant says quietly and he looks incredibly pale.

Dec folds his arms and nods, ‘Let’s,’ he says, rolling his eyes.

Ant sighs and removes his hand from Dec’s shoulder with a gentle, reassuring rub.

'We never considered the option of  _coming out_ …’ Ant says, drawing quotation marks in the air, ‘…or start dating,’ he adds and for a split second there is this wild, ancient and very dark anger on Dec’s face. It’s gone right away though and Ali thinks maybe she just imagined it. ‘The… the sexual bit is just… a part of our relationship, our friendship,’ Ant continues.

Ali shivers. Dec said something really similar to her yesterday.

'It's just something that kinda started when we were young – right after Byker Grove – and we just never  _bothered_ to stop. It’s just sort of never been… not there. It’s a part of it. It’s a part of  _us_ ,’ Ant explains and Ali has never seen him so embarrassed and for a moment she has no idea what to say.

'Well, you can't say  _that_  in an interview,’ she shakes her head eventually, ‘Because if you say that, your career is literally over. You’re gonna be considered two incredibly creepy, sex-maniac guys, and it will get even creepier when people start to realise that you started in children’s TV and then you will have to listen to disgusting Wonkey Donkey jokes for the rest of your lives,’ she finishes with a smile, desperately trying to lift the mood, even just a tiny bit.

Ant laughs, Dec doesn’t.

'So what are our other options?' he asks coldly.

'Well, we can issue two separate statements, with very sincere apologies and instead of focusing on your friendship, highlight the family aspect. Show you as two very regretful family men who made one mistake and now lean on their families' support,' Dec is already shaking his head, but she continues anyway, 'You will also have to tone down, you know, the 'soul mates thing'. Just a little bit. Go to places in different cars, stand a little bit further away from each other and stuff like that.'

They are both staring at her as if wondering if she’s gone mad.

'Tone down the _soul mates thing_?’ Ant echoes, then laughs a dry little laugh.

'Is there anything in between?' Dec asks, ignoring Ant's question.

Ali finds it interesting how quickly their behaviour has changed as they are in private again. Dec – who was relatively confident and calm while talking to their crew – now seems much more frustrated than Ant.

'Well, yes,' Ali nods and purses her lips, 'But these are the options that can possibly save your career. I mean, we can be really subtle about things, but that's not going to solve anything. Popularity will definitely go down and… It's not good being unresponsive. You have to tell the public what is happening, black and white. If you don't, they will think you're hiding even more and they will never going to trust you again. We went through the same thing with the phone-in scandal, remember? If you go out there and take full responsibility, apologise and learn to laugh at yourself  _with_ the audience – that could work, but nothing else.’

Dec looks at Ant, as if asking something; their eyes lock.

'I don't know,' Ant says, answering a question that Dec didn't actually say out loud.

At the beginning – when she didn’t know them that well – Ali thought they were just bullshitting her when they did that. And 10 years later, it still seems quite unbelievable. They just look at each other and that’s it. They don’t need words, they don’t need anything – they just  _know_  what the other is thinking.

'What's the point of working together, if we can't be friends…' Dec mumbles to himself, running a hand through his hair. He sighs and nods at Ant, 'The first version,' he says, turning back to Ali, 'But without the fake coming out tragedy story – that's simply ridiculous.'

'And can we be as subtle about it as possible?' Ant asks hesitantly, 'I haven't talked to Lisa yet and… I'm not sure what will happen to us, to be honest,' he admits.

'Yeah, sure,' Ali says, tilting her head. 'Have you talked to your families yet?' she asks quietly.

'I called Sarha this morning,' Ant says and there is a shadow of a smile playing on his lips, 'She was laughing her arse off.'

Dec smirks at that, and this is the first time he actually seems _alive_. Ali’s so unaccustomed to not seeing them smile, that this feels like Christmas came early. It’s because of Dec’s smile that for the first time she actually thinks, they are going to get through this.

'Would Sarha be willing to talk to the papers? We could use any help we can get. Especially because…' she trails off, not wanting to finish the sentence and instead pointedly looks at Dec.

'Dec hasn't talked to them yet,' Ant informs her.

'I know what they're gonna say,' Dec says sulkily, 'It's pointless.'

'They might surprise you, Decs…' Ant looks at him softly, but Dec just laughs.

'My family? I don't think so.'

'He disconnected the phone,' Ant says to Ali with a cheeky smile, which makes Dec snort.

'Oh, shut up, man,' he says then turns to Ali, laughing, 'He didn't even go into his own house, till Lisa left for work this morning.'

It’s so good to hear them laugh again – even if they are laughing at their own misery.

Ali smiles – her first honest smile since Saturday – and quickly pushes away the thought of Ant not spending the night in his own house.  _Let’s move on then…_

'Okay, so how about moving onto the interview bit? We'll try to come up with fairly neutral, non-committal answers then…'

The preparation for the interview goes slowly and pretty soon they are all starting to feel very miserable. It gets incredibly awkward at points; Ali has to play the role of the nasty interviewer and that naturally creates tension. As the afternoon slowly goes by Dec gets to a point where he’s ready to shout at anyone for basically anything.

'Would youse stop calling me Decky?!' he looks at Ant, annoyed, 'I'm not a bloody 5-year-old.'

Ant looks back at him, with an expressionless face. Without replying, he just suddenly turns to Ali.

'I think we need to take a break,' he says.

Ali nods. She too could use some standing up and probably a coffee as well.

'Sorry,' Dec murmurs to Ant, 'I didn't mean to…'

Ant just smiles at him, a cigarette already between his fingers.

”S fine, man. Coming out with us for a fag?’

They disappear immediately - who knows where - and re-enter the room, laughing 20 minutes later. Ali can’t quite put her finger around it, but it’s that kind of very… flirtatious laughing. As they sit back down, she notices, they sit much closer to each other than before; their knees must be bumping under the table.

Dec seems much calmer now, but as soon as they get into it again, he gets just as irritable as before.

'That sounds stupid, Ali. I'm not saying that,' he exclaims, with incredible stubbornness.

'I know it sounds stupid, but you haven't actually talked to your family, have you?'

'Yes, but I'm not saying  _'I_ _haven’t had a chance to talk to them yet_ _’_ , Ali! It sounds like I’m trying to hide the fact, they reacted badly…’

'Well, that's sort of what you're doing – except they haven't actually reacted badly or in any way, because they have no idea about the whole thing,' Ant notes quietly, half-smiling. Dec just rolls his eyes at that.

'I don't care what you think, Dec! It's certainly better than _‘Dermott is a catholic priest – How do you think my family took my secret homosexual affair?’_ ' Ali snaps at him.

There is a moment of silent tension between them, which is eventually broken by Ant, who bursts out laughing.

'I would never say that,' Dec sulks, but he's smiling too.

'Okay, I think, we are done here,' Ali says, as she stops laughing; stretching her arms.

Both Ant and Dec look surprised.

'I don't feel very prepared like,' Ant says.

'Aye, me neither,' Dec adds.

Ali looks up. ‘I’m sorry, guys, but I can’t do much until you tell me what will happen with Ant and Lisa and whether the two of you are a couple or not…!’ it comes out a bit harsher than she intended. Dec is looking at Ant with this desperate expression on his face, while Ant is staring at his hands.

So, that’s what’s going on? Dec wants them to be a couple, but Ant doesn’t? Ali is not sure. She suspects it’s a lot more complicated than that. But thankfully  _she_  doesn’t have to deal with it.

'So, call me, if anything happens, okay? And try to get some sleep,' she says as she stands up.

They both nod, Dec even manages a weak smile, ‘Thank you, Ali. For everything.’

Ali feels a lump in her throat as she replies, ‘Yeah, of course,’ she says, her voice choking.

She looks back at them from the door, one more time. Next morning as she holds a copy of the Sun with the two of them kissing on the front page, she remembers them sitting at the table, with bent heads, not looking at each other. She shivers.

What’s her heartbreak compared to what  _they_  are going through? And it’s only just starting now. She sighs and tries to prepare herself for what’s coming. An even worse day than yesterday?


	6. Chapter 6

**How did it go?**  
  
Dec doesn’t really expect a reply as he hits send, and it makes him jump when his phone suddenly starts buzzing a moment later.

It’s 2 in the morning and he can’t sleep. He is sitting at the kitchen table, in the dark, feeling sorry for himself, with a glass of whiskey in his hand. Even Rocky – who loyally perched next to him on the kitchen floor all evening – got annoyed of his silent misery about an hour ago and went to sleep. He really  _is_  pathetic…  
  
_Take a guess – she’s still shouting at us. You can’t sleep?_  
  
Dec rubs at his eyes and takes a sip of his whiskey before he starts typing.  
  
**I’m so sorry, Anth.**  
  
Ant’s reply comes almost immediately.  
  
_Not your fault. How did the match go?_  
  
Dec manages a bitter smile. The match. Ant wants to know about the match. He probably didn’t see the match because his wife was yelling at him all evening. Actually she’s still yelling at him at the moment. But,  _of course_ , Ant wants to know about the bloody match. Well then.  
__  
**Newcastle lost 2-0.**  
  
Dec is pretty certain that they finally hit rock bottom. They’ve been through a lot a before – for example the phone-in scandal or when he slept with that stripper, that was quite bad – but this time he actually thinks it’s  _the end_ for them. He shakes his head. It just can’t get any worse. He usually wouldn’t think like that, but ever since his Dad died, he just can’t seem to believe in anything.  
  
He looks up as his phone starts vibrating again.  
  
_I guess not our luckiest day huh :)_  
  
A dry little laugh gets out. He wonders how Ant manages to stay so positive about all this, because it’s usually him who’s more concerned about things and Dec is the one taking problems lightly. Out of the two of them definitely Dec is the more optimistic, but now he feels completely gutted. And devastated. Even destroyed.  
  
Maybe it’s because of the guilt, he thinks, because every time he thinks about Lisa he wants to punch himself in the face. He’s playing the mistress in the situation after all – funny how this never even occurred to him before all this. But at the same time, it’s Ant who got married! He chose _someone else_!  
  
Five minutes go by and he doesn’t realise that while thinking he forgot to reply. He jumps again as another text arrives from Ant.  
  
_Stop thinking Decs. Try to get some sleep._  
  
This time he is genuinely smiling. Ant knows him so well. It should be creepy. Or scary even. It should disturb him on at least some level that another human being knows him so well they can just guess what he is doing, but it doesn’t. It’s comfortable and familiar and it fills Dec up with this warm feeling that makes his legs weak and puts butterflies into his stomach. Oh god, it’s like he’s turning into a teenage girl or something…  
  
**I’ll try** , he starts typing,  **Wanna escape to Mexico with us tomorrow?**  
  
He’s holding his breath till the next text arrives.  
  
_Sounds like a plan! I’ll go and pack some booze, you get the board games :)_  
  
Dec just sends back a smiley. Sounds like a plan… Yeah, he wishes it was this easy!  
  
He eventually falls asleep in an uncomfortable position, still sitting there, resting his head on the kitchen table. He dreams about Ant, Lisa and him playing the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? board game and they are all wearing sombrero hats and Ant and Lisa are keep giving him unfair questions until he starts crying.  
  
He wakes up to the sound of the front door opening and it feels like he’s fallen asleep just a minute ago. Relief washes over him as he realises that the dream wasn’t real and that gives him enough strength to stand up.

His hangover is already starting to kick in; his head feels numb, he can’t form a proper thought. But then again that could be just because it’s really early. Or maybe it’s because of this terrible, suffocating feeling that comes with knowing that by now way too many people (including his own mother, oh shit!) know about his affair. His _secret_  affair. Oh, well… He stumbles out to the hall, covering his eyes from the bright morning light.  
  
'Hi,' Ali says as she hurriedly closes the door, 'I think there's already a couple of paparazzi outside,' she informs him casually. She seems relaxed and ready for a fight. 'How you doing?'  
  
Dec just mumbles back something sarcastic. He doesn’t really feel capable of talking in sentences at the moment.  
  
'Just wanted to pick up a few things and wish good luck for the interview…' Ali says, smiling and Dec thinks, she looks disgustingly energetic. 'Oh, and I brought you this,' she gets out a newspaper from her bag and hands it to Dec.  
  
He takes it very reluctantly; he knows what it is. He looks at it for a minute, then – despite of his quickly developing headache – suddenly bursts out laughing.  
  
'That's the headline? Seriously?' he asks, but Ali just shrugs. 'Ant and Dec: Finally!' Dec reads and raises an eyebrow, 'Like they were expecting it or something… That's the most creative they could come up with like?'  
  
Ali just laughs and shakes her head, ‘Keep the attitude, love, because  _believe me_ , it’ll get worse.’

Dec sighs and throws the paper away – he has to prioritise, he decides. He can read the article later, but first he _must_  find some Advil or something, because his headache is killing him.

                                                  

 

'Hi Joe,' Dec greets their driver hesitantly, as he climbs into the car; quite unsure of what to expect.  
  
'Mornin'!' Joe says, but he sounds the same as always. As he pulls down in front of Ant's house he weirdly clears his throat though and it makes Dec look up.  
  
'Don't expect me to be surprised,' Joe says as their eyes meet in the rear-view mirror. There is a definite smile in his voice and Dec lets out a relived sigh. 'Cos I knew it, y'know.'  
  
'You couldn't have!' Dec replies jokingly, he's at ease now. Joe is okay with it and for some reason that is important. If Joe's okay with it, it can't be that bad.  
  
'Oh, but I did! You two at the back sometimes forget that I'm here too…' Joe says with a suggestive smirk, which makes Dec laugh.  
  
'So no problem?'  
  
'Oh, none at all. Your business – not mine!' Joe puts up his hands as if surrendering, 'You two always do whatever you want anyway, so…'  
  
That’s when Ant appears. He comes down the steps with obvious resignedness. Dec’s stomach makes a flip when he notices Lisa standing at the door. Dec only catches a quick glimpse of her, but it’s obvious that she cried a lot last night. She seems more angry than sad though and the look on her face makes Dec shiver. It’s easy to see that she’s consciously avoiding looking at the car. As soon as Ant gets down the steps, she closes the door.  
  
'Hey,' Ant says in an awfully melancholic way as he gets in.  
  
'Oh, don't you sound cheerful,' Dec mocks him, smiling, battling down his nervousness caused by Lisa's appearance. 'You've seen the papers this morning?' he asks in a perfectly normal conversational tone.  
  
Ant groans painfully, ‘Let me see,’ he says and takes the newspaper from Dec, ‘How bad is it?’  
  
'I'm afraid, not a very good angle of youse,' Dec says, winking at him, while pointing at the picture.  
  
'Ant and Dec: Finally?' Ant reads and he looks quizzically at Dec, 'Really?'  
  
'I know!' Dec moans and it really shouldn't make him this happy that Ant's first reaction is the same as his was, 'It could have been something so much more creative! Like  _Dec in Ant’s pants_  or maybe…  _PJ gets a BJ_?’ he suggests and Ant laughs. It’s a weak little laugh, but it’s a laugh and that’s good enough for Dec. For now anyway. ‘And look at that one,’ he continues, ‘Just under the picture?’  
  
'Kissing in public – The next Morecambe and not-very-Wise…' Ant reads, shaking his head, 'Oh god… Seriously?!'

'Wait till you read the whole fucking thing!' Dec grabs the paper and gets it out of Ant's hand impatiently, then starts reading it out loud, 'After  _Geordie Shore_ , we thought there can’t be anything more scandalous coming out of Newcastle, but apparently we were wrong.  _Takeaway_  TV presenter duo Ant McPartlin and Dec Donnelly (both 38) were caught kissing on camera last week, in London. The pair was leaving the ITV studios when they couldn’t control their passion any longer,’ Dec stops and looks up at Ant, raising his eyebrows suggestively, which makes Ant giggle.  
  
'And they really could have been more careful, as there is a lot at stake for the Geordie lads!' Dec continues reading, 'They are not just the most successful and best paid TV personalities in Britain, apart from their good friend and boss, Simon Cowell, but they are both in long-term relationships – Ant is married to  _Strictly_  make-up artist, Lisa Armstrong, while Dec is living together with his manager of 10 years, Ali Astall. Not for very long after this, we presume.’  
  
'Well, you presumed  _that_  right,’ Ant murmurs, which earns a reproachful glance from Dec.  
  
'The pair has given out a statement this morning, saying; We are deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment we have caused to those close to us and everyone this has affected…' Dec trails off, seemingly looking for something, 'Blah-blah-blah… Oh, and this bit is me favourite! Do you think it's just a fling or they've been _rhumbling_ together for a while now? Vote on our website!’  
  
'Are you serious like?! That's so wrong.'  
  
'That's show business for you, Anth…' Dec says with a mischievous grin, then he turns forward, 'What do youse think, Joe? Is it just a fling or we've been  _rhumbling_ together for a while now?’  
  
'I'd rather not answer that.'  
  
'Good lad. You see, Ant? Faith in humanity restored. He'd rather not answer that!'   
  
'Oh, shut up, Declan,' Ant says, but he's smiling lovingly at him.

There is a pause in the conversation; they are just looking at each other, half-smiling. Dec knows they are just delaying the inevitable crash, so he takes a deep breath and decides to start.  
  
'What did she say last night?'

Ant doesn’t look surprised; he was obviously expecting the question, ‘Lot of things. But I don’t know if she meant any of it. I mean, it’s probably quite a shock for her, isn’t it?’  
  
'Yeah.'  
  
'She's going to move to her Mam's in a couple of days. To…  _t_ _hink about it_ , she said.’

There is lump in Dec’s throat. He just realises it now how much he was actually hoping for Lisa to want to divorce Ant right away. His denial mechanism kicks in immediately though – to avoid the pain and tears and heartbreak and god knows what else. God, he’s gotten very good at this over the years…!

'So she doesn't want a divorce,' he says and he knows, his voice sounds ridiculously disappointed.  
  
'I don't know, Dec,' Ant snaps at him, annoyed, then seeing Dec's face he softly adds, 'Well, no, not yet… Listen, man, we'll figure it out.'  
  
Dec sighs, ‘Well, we’d better.’  
  
'Bit of a mess, eh?'  
  
'You could say that.'

They spend the rest of the car ride in silence; they are both lost in their thoughts. The fact that other people know about it now puts everything into a different light and forces Dec to look at their relationship from a new aspect. He catches himself glancing at the picture in the paper of them kissing. The possibility that the two of them can be an actual couple never seemed more real and Dec has to admit that he likes the thought of it. The way Joe smiled at him knowingly… It made him so happy. Because wouldn’t they be absolutely perfect together? His thought-process comes to an abrupt end as they approach the ITV tower, because… well, his mouth falls open.

It’s not that Dec didn’t _know_  people were interested in them. They are successful, of course; they are busy most part of the year and the financial side of things is going more than well. And of course getting the National Television Award for the thirteenth year in a row is kind of an indicator that people generally like them. A lot. But as Joe drives down to the ITV parking garage, he actually thinks he is hallucinating. There are so many paparazzi photographers around the studios that he can’t even see into the hall through the building’s glass walls. He can’t believe that this many people are all just here to take pictures of them.

The first camera flash takes him by surprise and he automatically grabs Ant’s hand.

'Probably not the best time for this, Dec,' Ant says pointedly, but he seems surprised too and reassuringly squeezes Dec's hand, before taking his own away.

'Oh, yeah, right,' Dec lets his hand fall down, still looking at the crowd of photographers.

As Joe parks the car at their usual space, they look at each other. They don’t need words; Dec would bet his life on it that Ant is thinking the exact same thing as him.  _We are so fucked._

 

 

'Laura Smith from the Sun.'

'Declan Donnelly from Ant and Dec.' This makes her laugh. So far so good. 'Please come in.'

Dec is surprised how nice she seems. She has long red hair and a lot of freckles, which makes her look quite young, even innocent. How ironic, Dec thinks as he shakes her hand.  
  
'I'm a bit early, I know.'

Dec notices how she doesn’t actually apologise for it, just states that she is early.  
  
'That's fine. Please take a seat,' he says, motioning towards a chair, 'Ant'll be here in a minute.'

He sits down too and forces himself not to look at the door. He’s a grown man for fuck’s sake, he can deal with being without his best mate for a minute. Still, his heart skips a beat when the door opens, but – to his disappointment – it’s just one of the interns.  
  
'Can I bring you anything to drink, Dec?' she asks.

He motions towards the journalist (Smith, was it?), indicating that she should order first.  
  
'Just water for me,' she says with a sebaceous kind of smile that incredibly irritates Dec.

'Ehm, yeah, tea for me and coffee for Ant,' Dec says, when the intern turns back to him.  
  
'Any sugar?' the intern asks.  
  
'None for me, one in Ant's coffee,' he answers casually, still studying the journalist, taking an instant dislike to the woman.  
  
The intern leaves and Dec notices that Smith is looking at him rather curiously.  
  
'What?' he asks, with a forced smile.  
  
'You know his coffee order,' she says and Dec doesn't like her suggestive tone, 'It's cute,' she adds with a shrug, but before Dec could reply the door opens again.

It  _is_  Ant this time – thanks god – and Dec lets out a sigh.

'Hi, oh, I'm sorry – I thought I still had some time…' Ant mumbles, smiling, as he shakes hands with Smith, then sits down next to Dec. Dec can smell the cigarette smoke on him and for some reason it relaxes him.  _Okay then, let’s do this._  
  
'So when did it all start?' is Laura Smith's first question and Ant and Dec look at each other.

Ant confidently smiles at Dec before turning back to her, ‘When we’ve been told we were written out of Byker Grove. There had been talk of a spin-off series with me and Dec, but the executive producer called us in to say that it wasn’t happening – that the BBC didn’t like the idea. We were devastated and… we were just leaving when Matthew – Matthew Robinson, the executive producer – called after us and said, we’ve been offered a record contract by  _Telstar_. We thought it was a joke at first!’  
  
'We were both bricking it because we didn’t know what was coming next and we loved what we did. And we always thought of ourselves as actors, really, so it wasn't easy,' Dec continues, 'We drove down to the Quayside in me Mini Metro – thought it was really cool back then – and sat there for a while, talked things through and… It was a serious conversation. We pledged then whatever happens we’ll always remain friends. And then…' he trails off as he feels his cheeks suddenly reddening. He remembers that day as if it was yesterday. He remembers every minute of it.  _Very_  vividly.  
  
'And it just happened,' Ant helps him out casually. Dec wonders if it's just him, or if the journalist can see it too how hard Ant is trying not to smile.  
  
'So you have been having an affair ever since then?' she seems surprised, 'When was that, like 20 years ago?'  
  
'We weren't dating anyone at the time, so it can be hardly considered an affair,' Ant notes calmly, 'But yes, we've been very close ever since then. Emotionally  _and_ physically, if that’s what you’re asking,’ he adds, raising his voice – just a little.  
  
'So, it's not just a fling?' she asks back, with that stupid smile again. She doesn't seem to care about Ant's disgruntled tone.  
  
'Well, it lasted 20 years, so I don't think so,' Ant shakes his head, half-smiling.  
  
'It's an… on and off kind of thing,' Dec adds.

'And you didn't have sex with other men before that? Or after?'

The question takes Dec by surprise. He’s not gay. People think he’s gay? He loves women, he’s always loved women! He never even looked at a man like that. That would be quite weird actually. It’s only Ant. Ant and no one else. It’s always been Ant.

'No,' Ant replies, matter-of-fact.

'Neither of you?' the woman asks, looking at Dec this time.

He just shakes his head, still a bit stunned.

'No,' Ant says again.

'So why not just come out, back then?' Smith asks, nodding. Her freckles really annoy Dec. It's not right that someone who can ask questions like this can look this innocent.  
  
'Uh, it never even occurred to us,' Dec says, laughing awkwardly.  
  
'We never felt the need – especially at the beginning – to tell people about… the nature of our relationship. It's a very private thing and really hard to talk about when you're trying to be a cool teenage pop star.'  
  
'But then you started dating other people…'  
  
Dec sighs and decides, he hates this woman. How can she have so many freckles and still be a mean person? ‘It wasn’t easy to stay single for very long, to be honest,’ he says, pulling off his best cheeky smile, ‘The whole thing was crazy! We were just two mates from Newcastle who got lucky. Girls were literally throwing themselves at us,’ he almost winks at her, then he decides not to. It wouldn’t be really appropriate and he’s not willing to wink at just anyone anyway. Especially not her.  _Freckles._  
  
'And let's not forget, we were still teenagers. We knew nothing about life,' Ant says regretfully, 'Or love, for that matter.'

Dec looks up at Freckles, but he can’t see anything on her face. He thinks, Ant is quite convincing. He probably would convince him, if he wouldn’t have heard Ant practising the sentence at least a million times yesterday. But then again Ant could probably convince him to jump out of a bloody window if he wanted too.  
  
'But you continued your sexual relationship while dating other people?' Laura “Fucking Unstoppable” Smith asks. She is not even blinking for god's sake!  
  
'In all the craziness that surrounded us, the pair of us… we kept each other sane and tried to get through everything together,' Ant explains softly, 'We had a…  _u_ _nique_ friendship, but it was still a friendship. And at that age, with that little wisdom we just felt that it didn’t interfere with having a girlfriend or anything else. We were obviously wrong, but we never intended to cause any pain or hurt anyone. It’s just…’ he stops for a moment to collect his thoughts and Dec can totally understand it why.

He can too remember Lisa’s broken expression from this morning while looking at Ant from the door. It sure will haunt both of them for a while…  
  
'It's what you call “complicated” on Facebook,' he says, so Ant doesn't have to finish it and that seems to work, because Freckles' face lights up. That's a nice line and she will be able to use it.

That doesn’t mean though, she gives up that easily. The way she leans forward to ask the next question reminds Dec of an animal capturing its prey, ‘But you continued to be lovers and having girlfriends,’ she says and Dec wishes, she would stop smiling. Or having bloody freckles. ‘And as the picture proves you are still in an intimate relationship now – so it couldn’t have been just because you were so young and without wisdom.’  
  
'Are you suggesting we made bad decisions because we love each other?' Dec asks, before he could stop himself. God, she really annoys him.

Ant already knows how to save the situation though (he probably knew Dec was going to say that before even Dec did) and that’s why they are so good together. They balance out each other. ‘Because we certainly  _did_  make some bad decisions over the years… I guess we actually never really grew up…’ he laughs, but Smith doesn’t find it that amusing.  
  
'So when it got serious with a girlfriend, what happened?'  
  
'Not much, to be honest.' Dec shrugs.  _There you go, Ali,_ _that’s as non-committal as it can get._  
  
'Everything stayed the same,' Ant nods too.  
  
Dec flinches when Smith turns towards Ant for the next question, ‘And when you married Lisa did your relationship change in any way?’

Dec has heard this question so many times from so many interviewers, that he’s literally sick of it, but now… it means something so unbelievably different.  
  
'I don't… I don't think it did,' Ant says, then he turns towards Dec, 'Do youse?'

Dec is speechless for a second and he knows from the way Ant is looking at him that he’s actually curious about his answer. He shakes his head a little, but it’s not an answer to the question, it’s for Ant and it basically translates to  _not the best time youse picked to discuss this, babe._  
  
'No, I don't think so either,' Dec lies easily and Smith seems to buy it.  
  
'Is there anything that you regret?' she asks.  
  
'Oh, of course,' Ant says, 'Being honest is a wonderful thing and I wish I would have been more honest with my family and the people that I love.'

Dec has the strange feeling that this is kind of addressed to him and he’s glad, really, he’s  _delighted_  that Ant’s finally decided to talk about things, but really?  _Right now?_  
  
'Yeah, same for me. Honesty would have changed a lot of things,' Dec adds easily, (Did he just accuse Ant of not being honest enough in the middle of a fucking interview?) but Smith is still not satisfied.  
  
'What would you have done differently?' She wants specifics.  _Of course,_  she wants specifics, ‘If you could go back now, would you tell your younger selves to come public? Or would you for example not marry Lisa?’

Dec is currently pretty busy with silently hating Freckles, but gets momentarily distracted by the last question. He looks at Ant expectantly. He wants to know the answer too. Not that he’s expecting Ant to be honest.  
  
'Uhh, I have no idea. Never really thought about it… It's quite a huge thing – I have no idea what I'd do…' Ant says and it's the perfect answer, really (Ali would be proud), but Dec wonders if it's the truth, 'Would certainly tell me younger self to lose the spiky haircut,' Ant adds, laughing.  
  
'Oh, aye, I would tell your younger self that too,' Dec says and Freckles likes this one too. They are doing quite well, Dec thinks.  
  
'So did anyone know about it?' Freckles continues and Dec can't help but recall that programme on Discovery Channel they watched with Ant a couple of weeks ago about predators toying with their food before eating it.  
  
'Not, to our knowledge,' Ant says and Dec is sure Freckles noticed how Ant said 'our' instead of 'my'.  _Of course she did._  
  
'No, I don't think so. It's not something that you just sort of announce to people, to be entirely honest,' Dec says, with a shy smile.  
  
'Especially when you're trying to be a very cool pop star. Or a TV presenter,' Ant adds.  
  
'So when the gay jokes started – because there are a lot of gay jokes about you – did you ever suspect, that someone knew?' Smith asks and the question this time makes Dec genuinely think about his answer.  
  
'No, not really,' he says, 'I don't think we ever thought that. I mean, yeah, sure. We even camp it out a bit for the telly, we joke about it too. I mean, it's great fun, but they are just innocent jokes.'  
  
'They are not that innocent in your case…' Freckles says with a nonchalant, but all-knowing smile and Dec thinks he could actually hit her.  
  
'Well, I guess, not any more,' Ant admits, laughing.  
  
'So you never had a moment when you thought: okay, that's it, we're outed?'  
  
'No,' Dec says simply and he feels a little bit guilty about leaving it to Ant to answer the question properly.  
  
'No, it's interesting because it never even occurred to us in that way. It was never anyone's but our business so we didn't actually think much about it,' Ant explains and this is the first time Freckles actually seems annoyed that she can't get a juicy answer.  
  
'But you still managed to keep it a secret for 20 years,' she says in a provocative voice, but unfortunately for her, Dec has a perfect answer for the question.  
  
'It's not like I would have to lie to anyone about where I'm going if I wanted to see him. It's not especially hard to find some time together, considering we see each other basically 24/7,' he says smiling.  _Yes, Donnelly scores!_

She seems properly annoyed now and the next question is just simply mean, ‘Was it because of your relationship that you moved so close to each other? Was it easier to hide it that way?’  
  
'No,' Dec doesn't dare saying anything else, in case it gets out of hand and he starts shouting; so he leaves it to Ant again.  
  
'Dec liked a property three doors down from where I bought a house and we thought; oh, how convenient, our driver doesn't have to turn twice.'

Freckles now looks at Dec, as if she knows that what she’s going to ask will hurt him. _Oh, no._  
  
'So how did people react? So far, I mean. Your partners and… your close family, of course,' the question is addressed directly to Dec.

He swallows.   
  
'It all happened really fast, so I haven't really had a chance to talk to my family yet,' he's certain, he sounds like an idiot, but Ant sends him a comforting glance and it makes him feel like he can breathe again. 'There is a lot of them, you know – I have 6 siblings. It will take ages,' he jokes.  _That’s it, you’ve done it, Dec, that’s it._  
  
'I only have one sister, so… She and me Mam were really supporting. They told me they love me very much and encouraged me to take responsibility for my decisions,' Ant says, and Dec can feel, he's tense. The worst part is still coming for him.  
  
'And your wife?'

Here we go.  
  
'She… Well, it's obviously not easy,' Ant starts, 'We had a long conversation about it last night and we decided not to rush anything. We both have to rethink our feelings for each other and our relationship. These things take time.'

Dec just realises now that he was holding his breath the whole time. He was more nervous for Ant than he was for himself. But Ant did well, and that’s good. Why does he still feel like shit then? It might have to do something with that not-so-tiny part of him that wanted Ant really badly to say ‘ _She took it really_ _poorly_ _, I don’t think we’ll ever talk again._ ’. Oh, god, what’s wrong with him?! He loves Lisa, she’s brilliant!  
  
'And you Dec?' Smith asks, obviously disappointed that he couldn't get something racy out of Ant about Lisa, 'You've been living together with your girlfriend for more than 6 months now. She is also your manager. That cannot be easy,' Dec thinks, even if that's her job, it's actually really disgusting, the way she's implying things with every single question she asks.  
  
'Ali is a… really supportive and accepting person. We have been good friends for many years and I believe that eventually we will come back to that.'  
  
Freckles smiles again in a way that makes Dec’s stomach flip.

'So you broke up with your girlfriend and Ant is still negotiating with his wife,' she states matter-of-factly. 'What are the chances that eventually the two of you will officially become a couple?'  
  
Dec considers it for a moment, but then he goes with his instinct and chooses the funny answer, ‘Oh, yes, of course! We haven’t settled on a wedding date yet, but I already know who’s gonna wear the white dress.’  
  
'Both of us!' Ant joins in and the familiarity of laughing together relaxes Dec.  
  
'To be honest, right now, we'd like to focus on our friendship and getting back the trust of our viewers. That is the most important to us,' he says seriously.  
  
'We are friends first and foremost and that will never change,' Ant says and they smile at each other at the exact same moment. Here are the butterflies again.  
  
'We've been always there for each other and especially since my father died… it meant a lot that Ant was here, supporting me,' Dec says, while trying to blink his tears away.

They’ve been a lot more conscious about touching each other ever since yesterday’s Takeaway meeting and Dec can actually see it in Ant’s eyes that he thinks,  _fuck it,_ just before he grabs Dec’s arm, just above his wrist and gives it a comforting squeeze. His smile takes Dec’s breath away.  
  
It’s Freckles’ harsh voice what eventually ends their intimate moment, but Dec doesn’t even care any more, ‘Another question that seems to puzzle our readers very much… We received many tweets about the topic. Who is the more…  _dominant_ in your relationship?’  
  
'Ooh, that question has a lot more meaning to it now than had before, huh…' Ant says cheekily and looks at Dec.  
  
'I'm afraid that is gonna have to stay our secret,' Dec says, laughing and to his surprise Freckles is not very pushy about it.

'Okay then' she says and leaves it alone. She even laughs a bit.

The rest of it is just formalities. They shake hands again, chat a bit about the weather and the traffic, then say goodbye.

Dec stretches his arms tiredly, as the door finally closes behind the journalist.

'Well, that was-' he can't finish it, because Ant practically throws him against the wall and kisses him frantically.

'I hate her so much,' Ant says, panting when they eventually part. Their faces are still only inches away; Dec can feel Ant's warm breath on his cheek.

'Yeah, she was pretty annoying like,' Dec laughs breathlessly.

Ant places his arms on both sides of his face, ‘She had  _way_  too many freckles to be this mean,’ he says before he kisses Dec again and Dec thinks he would honestly be totally okay with dying right now.


	7. Chapter 7

Ant yawns, stretches his arms, then rests them on top of the table. The last people are just leaving the meeting room. He is relatively satisfied; today’s Takeaway meeting wasn’t as awkward as yesterday’s and they actually managed to come up with a couple of entertaining, but not very humiliating gay jokes for the show.

'That was alright,' he smiles at Dec.

It’s only the two of them left in the meeting room and Ant can’t stop thinking about what happened after the interview, when he kissed Dec. Dec seemed a bit taken aback by it, so Ant didn’t dare to take it further, even though he desperately wanted to. It’s not like they never did stuff like that at work before.

'That was bloody exhausting,' Dec moans dramatically and sits on top of the big round table, right next to Ant. It sends shivers down Ant's spine when Dec's thigh touches his upper arm. 'Are we finished here?'

Ant nods, ‘Aye, I think so.’

'Great, let's get out of here then.'

Ant follows Dec out to the corridor. They manage it to the lifts without getting stared at, where that blonde woman who works at the cafeteria (Is she the one Dec used to fancy?) looks at them in a way that makes Ant sick.

He instinctively looks to his left, just to see Dec stop and turn back. Ant knows that it’s not the look that gets to him, it’s more like that she doesn’t even try to hide it, she’s just looking at them with this disgusted-horrified expression on her face and it’s all so shamelessly obvious.

Dec seems confused and embarrassed, but mainly just angry. He looks like he wants to hit something, or kick something, maybe even break down crying…

'Dec,' Ant says and gently, but firmly grabs his arm and drags him into the lift. 'Don't do that,' he says, shaking his head, when the door finally closes, hiding them from the blonde woman.

'Yeah, sorry,' Dec says, massaging the bridge of his nose; trying to snap out of it, 'Takes some getting used to, I guess.'

Ant nods, then swallows. He doesn’t want it to be obvious, but he has to ask Dec.

'So, what's up with you and Ali?' Ant feels so pathetic. There's no way, Dec can't see through him.

'What d'you mean?'

'Well, you didn't actually properly break up with her like, did ya?' Ant asks carefully.

'I guess not,' Dec shrugs, 'But you know. It's pretty much over.'

'Are you… upset about it?'

'Well, yeah, I guess,' says Dec and he seems a bit uncomfortable, 'I mean, it could've worked, I thought. We could've been, you know…' he doesn't finish it, just smiles innocently at Ant and stays silent.

Ant considers this, then he shakes his head, ‘What is it?’

'Hmm?'

'There's something wrong. What is it?'

There is a moment of tense silence before Dec explodes, and yeah, okay, Ant could have easily predicted that actually.

'Something wrong…?! For fuck's sakes, Ant, you know, what's wrong? That me mother called me 83 times since this morning and I still don't know what to say to her! And d'you know, what else is wrong? That the whole bloody country knows about us, Ant! And you know what? That's just a couple of million more people than I would prefer to know about it. But, yeah, no, fine otherwise. There's nothing…  _wrong_ ,’ he practically spits the last word and his timing is perfect – the lift door opens and Dec can storm out dramatically.

Ant sighs and rolls his eyes, as he tries to catch up with him. He can read Dec like an open book.

'Is this about… what happened after the interview?' he asks patiently, 'Are you angry that I ki-?'

'No,' Dec interrupts him stubbornly and keeps on walking.

Ant lightly touches his arm, as if asking him to stop, and it works. They stand there, face to face, looking at each other. Ant sends Dec a pleading look, meaning _let’s talk about it then_.

'I'm not angry, it's just… It's confusing, Ant,' Dec says resignedly and he looks so… _adorable_ , with his flushed red cheeks and big blueish eyes.

'What is?'

Dec lets out an annoyed groan, ‘What do you think? The way you’re acting. I mean, do you have a plan like?’ he asks.

'Do I  _look_  like someone with a plan, pet?’ Ant opens his arms jokingly to avoid answering the question.

Dec smiles, but before he could say anything, there is a camera flash which startles both men.

'What the…?!

A tiny woman, in a dreadfully pink dress comes out behind of a car and seems to take pictures of them in a pretty automatic and super-fast fashion.

'This is private property, it's illegal to-' Ant starts calmly, with a warning tone, but he gets interrupted.

'Just one question, Ant and Dec, just one question!' says the journalist and she's almost shouting, her high-pitched voice echoes weirdly in the big parking garage.

'I'm sorry, but we have to go,' Dec murmurs and this time it's him who grabs Ant's arm firmly and turns him around.

As they walk hurriedly towards their car, they can hear the woman’s shouted questions from behind them.

'When did you first have sex? Who's the bottom and who's the top? Have you ever considered a threesome? With Ant's wife maybe?'

Ant just snorts at the ridiculousness of the situation. They finally reach the car and he is already opening the door when they hear another sequence of quick, gabbled questions.

'Dec, what does your family think of your relationship? Is your mother upset? Will she forgive you for your sins and for poisoning your best friend's marriage? Or does she think you're a big disappointment? Is she praying for your soul?'

'THAT WAS ENOUGH!' Ant hears himself shouting. He doesn't remember when he turned around.

His knuckles are going white as he grabs the frame of the car-door harder. It’s one thing to make fun of them, to ask inappropriate questions, to be indiscreet and all that. But to imply that Dec did anything wrong when he chose to love Ant and then bring his mother into it? Now, that’s too much.

'Boys,' Ant hears Joe's worried voice from behind him, who's probably got out, sensing there was an issue, 'Wanna get in?'

The rage Ant is feeling can’t be compared to anything, he’s ever felt before. It fills him completely and he thinks, his head is going to explode. His whole body is shaking; he can’t see, he can’t breathe, he can’t think.

'Anth? Leave it. Come on, get in,' says a familiar voice softly and Ant looks up.

He moves completely out of habit, obeying Dec’s voice out of reflex, and he climbs into the car and shuts the door without even being conscious of doing it.

He doesn’t really know what happened, but they are already somewhere in the outskirts of London when he can breathe properly again.

'What was that?' Dec asks, uncertainly.

Ant just shakes his head. He feels unable to speak.

'Jesus Christ, Ant,' Dec laughs dryly, 'It was just a bloody journalist… You don't have to- you think you have to protect me honour or something? I'm not your bloody wife, am I?'

Dec’s voice is more playful than mean, but Ant looks up in utter disbelief. Dec couldn’t have just said that.

'I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that,' Dec says hurriedly, 'It came out wrong like, sorry. I meant that it was unnecessary to-'

'Okay,' Ant interrupts Dec, waving his hand impatiently at him to stop.

'Okay?' Dec echoes carefully, 'What do you mean,  _okay_?’

Ant sighs and shakes his head.

'I don't know, Dec. I don't wanna fight. Can youse leave it?'

There’s a heartbeat-long pause then, ‘Do you do that often?’ Dec asks coldly.

'Do what?' Ant asks, confused. He hates it so much when Dec goes into attack mode when trying to defend himself.

'Not tell us what you actually think to avoid a fight.'

'What? Don't be ridiculous. I always tell you eve-'

'So that's why we never fight,' Dec says slowly, 'Because you cannot be honest with me. Because you think, you're protecting me from the big ugly truth or something. You think I can't handle it?!' he is basically shouting now, 'Tell me what you bloody think, Ant!!'

'Can you calm down, please?' Ant says and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat, 'I know that I could be more… open when it comes to talking about the pair of us, but I always tell youse what I think and you know that, Dec.'

The car stops and they are already at home. That was quick, Ant thinks, but Dec doesn’t seem to notice. He’s just shaking his head.

'Do you tell everything to Lisa? Is that it? That you prefer to tell things to  _her_?’ he demands and he’s hysterical now.

Of course he had to bring Lisa into it as well…! Ant knows, it’s pointless to argue with Dec when he gets like this, but he tries anyway.

'Oh, for fuck's sake, Declan! Where the hell did _this_  come from? I don’t-‘

'Why am I surprised?' Dec says and he's close to tears now, 'You always choose her over me. Always, Ant.'

Ant looks at Dec in disbelief. Until this whole thing started he had no idea that Dec felt like this, and he still cannot believe it that Dec actually thinks that he would…. It is stupid to fight about it  _now_  anyway.

'Why the hell do you think that?! You got this idea from god knows where, but I've never even…' Ant trails off. He wanted to say that he never chose between the two of them, but that isn't exactly true. Not any more…

'Yeah?'

Ant swallows. He promised himself, he wouldn’t tell Dec. He wants to make it easy for him. As easy as possible.

It’s really hard keeping something like that from him though. He wasn’t expecting it to be this hard, but now that he thinks about it, it’s only logical. Of course it’s hard, he’s never kept anything from Dec before.

'It's nowt. Let's just stop fighting, eh?' he says half-heartedly.

Dec still looks furious, but at least he’s not shouting now.

'The thing is that I know you very well, Ant. And you tend to forget that sometimes,' he says and he looks so incredibly sad, 'I know, there's something that you're not telling me,' he adds quietly.

Ant can’t bear it any more. ‘See you later, Dec,’ he says hurriedly and gets out of the car.

He doesn’t turn back as he goes up to his front door, even though he wants to, more than anything. He gets out his key as fast as he can and hastily opens the door. He watches Dec get out of the car a few doors down and murmur a ‘ _Sorry about that, Joe_ ' to their driver.

Ant sighs, goes in, and closes the door behind himself, ’Shit.’

He first wanders around the kitchen aimlessly, then decides to get drunk.  _What a surprising turn of events…!_ he thinks sarcastically. He sits at the kitchen table and drinks vodka out of the bottle. He doesn’t usually drink vodka (especially not on a weekday!), but he doesn’t shout at ugly pink journalists on a daily basis either, so what the hell…

'So was your little friend happy when you told him?'

Ant didn’t notice when Lisa came in; to be honest, he didn’t even know she was at home. He looks up.

His wife is standing in the kitchen door, her face is still red from last night’s (and probably today’s) endless crying and she seems… hurt. She puts down the suitcase, she’s carrying, but stays there, leaning onto the kitchen door frame.

'Was little Decky Doolittle jumping up and down in happiness? Was he?!' her voice is thick with hatred and Ant knows, he's going to start crying soon. He feels so exhausted mentally that he's surprised, he hasn't started crying sooner. He really thought that today him and Dec would be able to… to what? Start the rest of their joint life together?  _Oh, fuck._  He takes another sip of the vodka.

'You're sitting here all alone, drinking, so I guess not,' Lisa observes and lifts up her suitcase, when Ant doesn't reply, 'What a shame that you two won't get a happy ending after all,' she says, sarcasm strong in her voice and starts towards the front door.

'I didn't tell him,' Ant says and it's barely a hoarse whisper, as he's trying to choke back his tears.

Lisa turns back, ‘What?’ her hateful attitude falls, she seems utterly surprised and incredibly worried at the same time. When there’s no answer from Ant, she asks again, ‘What do you mean, you didn’t tell him?’

Ant looks at Lisa, and he just realises that he’s shaking. Is it because of the crying? He doesn’t know.

'You didn't tell him that you wanna be with him?' Lisa asks.

'I- I don't want him to be with me, because he- he has to…' Ant explains and it's hard, because he can't really breathe, 'If I tell him, I… If I tell him that I chose him, he won't- won't be with me because of  _me._ He will be with me, be- because he has to and he won’t- he won’t…’ the crying wins and he can’t continue. He suddenly feels two warm, comforting arms wrap around him.

'Shush, Anth, love, shh,' he can feel Lisa hint a kiss on top of his head, 'You're an idiot, do you know that?' she says lovingly and starts wiping Ant's tears off his face with her fingers. She sits down, right next to him.

'I can't believe, I'm actually doing this. I should be throwing plates at you and stuff…' she says half-smiling, while shaking her head, 'You love him, right?'

Ant doesn’t really know, what’s happening right now, but he’s got to the stage where he doesn’t really care any more. His life can’t get any more surreal. He nods. Of course, he loves him.

'And he loves you too, yeah?'

It’s much more complicated than that, Ant wants to say, but then he considers it and just nods. Yeah, Dec loves him too.

'I don't see the problem,' Lisa says jovially and there is that cheeky twinkle in her eyes that made Ant fall in love with her in the first place.

Lisa stands up and strokes his face one more time, ‘Just for the record, I still hate you, okay?’ she says and there is real sorrow behind her smile.

Ant manages a weak smile too. He watches her as she gets her suitcase again and turns back one more last time.

'Ant?'

He looks up.

'Don't screw it up with him.'


	8. Chapter 8

'I don't want to make him choose between me and Lisa,' Dec tells Ali and he really doesn't know how they ended up here.

He remembers that he got out of the car and he was really angry, slammed the front door behind himself with a loud bang and was going to maybe break some stuff and shout, then get really drunk and fall asleep in front of the telly, watching crappy porn.

But he couldn’t; he found Ali in the living room, surrounded by papers, laptops and phones. She seemed busy. Like ‘I’m working right now and I’m so so so important’ busy, which made Dec totally loathe his own childish sensitivity.

Ali mumbled an apology about being there and something more about her office being too crowded, then returned to her super-important phone conversation. She didn’t seem happy, nor sad. Not that Dec cared very much. He locked himself into one of the guest rooms and tried to sleep a bit, but he failed miserably. Then he tried to cry – thought it might help – but he couldn’t get a single tear out.

That was when Ali appeared and suggested, they order some food. Dec couldn’t think of any excuse, so he just nodded and followed her back to the living room.

And now they are here. Sitting on the sofa together, drinking red wine and eating takeaway (Dec eats Chinese of course, but Ali ordered pizza for herself). They put in a Friends DVD ages ago, but Dec doesn’t think they watched even a minute of it. They are talking about their  _feelings_. Well, sort of. It’s more like he’s complaining and Ali listens to it. He really has no clue how the conversation started, but he has this terrible suspicion that it was him who brought it up. Never mind now.

'Well, I…' Ali starts and she's hesitating, so Dec quickly interrupts her, worried.

'No, I'm sorry, forget it. You definitely don't want to hear about…  _me and Ant_ ,’ he says and  _really, Declan? You are talking to your ex about your feelings for your best mate? Really?!_

'No, it's fine, Dec. If you want to talk to someone, I'm here,' Ali says with a friendly smile and it sounds so genuine that Dec nods.

'Are youse sure, you're okay with talking about this like?' he's still pretty convinced that Ali is just trying to be nice rather than actually being okay with it, 'I mean…' he starts, but Ali doesn't let him finish.

'Yeah, I  _know_ ,’ she assures him, ‘It’s really fine, Dec.’

'Because I don't want you to think that I didn't… that I  _don’t_  love you,’ Dec says quickly, before she could interrupt him again, ‘I love you so much Ali, you’re brilliant! It’s just…’

'You love  _him_  more,’ Ali finishes his sentence and there is so much understanding in her voice. Dec thinks, she doesn’t sound hurt at all and he almost nods before he realises that he can’t. That would be so awful of him.

'Well, no, I… It's complicated,' he tries, but he knows, it doesn't sound convincing.

'Of course, you love him more, Dec. You always have, always will. And I never had a problem with it. I just didn't know that you… loved him like  _that,_ ' Ali explains and she seems… embarrassed.

Dec doesn’t know what to say to that other than, ‘I’m sorry.’

'Thank you,' Ali says with an easy little laugh that makes her so… beautiful.

They share a warm smile and it’s followed by this vibrating, silent moment, which – Dec thinks – is just  _perfect_  for a kiss. Dec leans forward out of reflex, but thank god realises his mistake just in time. He manages to turn it into a kiss on the cheek and it’s actually not even that awkward.

They look at each other for a while, in quiet bitterness. They both know, their relationship wouldn’t work. Not after all this, not when it’s so obvious that Dec is in love with Ant. It still hurts though, because without Ant in the picture, Dec would be so happy with Ali.

He thinks, he’ll probably always love Ali a little bit, no matter what. He watches her every delicate move; he notices, how she shakes her head a little, (is she blaming _herself_ for something?) before putting her hair up into a ponytail. She tilts her head slightly, leans back and makes herself more comfortable on the sofa.

'So what's with the fighting?' Ali finally asks, curiously; in a voice that says; _let’s move on then_ , ‘It’s quite scary actually – you  _never_  fight!’

'It's scaring us too, to be honest with ya,' Dec sighs, as he puts down the remains of his Chinese to the coffee table and grabs his wine glass.

'But you want to be with him, don't you?' Ali asks carefully.

Dec snorts. It’s not like that’s what he’s thinking about all the bloody time. He has a life, you know. And it doesn’t  _always_  include Ant. But, yeah, if he’s being honest…

'I don't know,' Dec says, even though he wants to shout  _yes_  from the top of his lungs, ‘I just can’t imagine what it would be like, that is,’ and he really can’t. He got so used to denying his feelings and pretending to be okay with everything that he can’t see how it would work otherwise. He never wanted anything this desperately in his life, but at the same time he has so many doubts…!

'Well, let's see,' Ali starts and she has this cheekiness in her tone, that Dec doesn't like at all, 'You would constantly be together all the time, and when not, talk about each other non-stop. You would be all flirty and touchy-feely with each other – even in public. And… what else? Oh, right. You would have loads of sex. Hmm. Now that I think about it, probably not much would change,' she says, laughing and even Dec manages a weak smile.

He’s still very surprised about how okay Ali is with the whole situation. Dec knows, it’s stupid, but he starts to wonder whether their relationship was going as well as he thought. Lately he’s been even playing around with the idea of buying an engagement ring, but if Ali could move on this fast… Bit late to think about this though.

'You'll never _not_ be friends, Dec,’ Ali continues and now her voice is a lot more serious, ‘No matter what happens, you will always be together – at least as friends.’

'Yeah, I know,' Dec nods, and even though he really does know it, it's so comforting to hear it from someone else as well. (Because they  _are_  fighting and they  _never_  fight, and they  _shouldn’t_  fight, because they are  _Ant and Dec_  and could that mean that something is actually wrong with them…?!)

'So why can't you just jump into it?' Ali looks at him, as if he was stupid for not understanding it, 'Try it what it's like to be in a proper relationship, then if it doesn't work, go back to being friends. I'm sure your friendship would survive a break-up. But… I mean you are perfect for each other. I know it sounds cheesy, but you are. You are meant to be together, Dec, so what are you afraid of?' she asks, 'I'm sure it will work out,' she adds, and rubs Dec's knee a little. It's a nice moment and Dec really appreciates Ali's support. He just wishes it was as easy as Ali thinks it is.

'It's not that I'm afraid, Ali,' he says and he tries really hard not to sound patronising. He has to remind himself that there is probably no one in this world who actually gets his relationship with Ant and the level of understanding they have between them. Afraid of doing something together with Ant? Oh, no. They are basically capable of _anything_  together.

'I'm not afraid. I'm hurt. And I'm angry. I'm angry at him for hurting me!' Dec raises his voice and even he can hear the endless – and frankly, quite pathetic – amount of pain in it, 'And I know that we'll end up together anyway – friends or maybe more than friends -, but… Right now I can't,' he explains, 'He has to realise that he cannot do this to us. He can't tell me that he doesn't want me in the morning, then kiss me in the afternoon. It doesn't work like this.'

Dec is so sick of this. It’s a typical, cheesy romantic film situation, where you should listen to your head, but you want to listen to your heart. And currently Dec feels like his head is dizzy and his heart is just pumping way too fast. Because even though he’s really angry and hurt –  _really_  hurt this time! - and he would love Ant to apologise and tell him that he’s the only one in the whole bloody world, to be honest Dec wants to do exactly what Ali suggested. He wants to jump into it. Head first. And never look back.

'I get what you're saying, Dec. I understand that it's not easy,' Ali says with a sad smile, 'But right now you need each other more than ever.'

'I know,' Dec says and makes a painful face, 'Shit!'

Ali shakes her head, ‘You both want the same thing, Dec,’ she says, ‘You want to be together.’

'Well, I have no idea what Ant wants,' Dec says, shrugging; trying to be nonchalant. It hurts. Oh, god, it hurts so bloody much. But Ant has a wife and he can't just be with Dec, - because it's never that easy, it  _cannot_  be that easy – and Dec sort of even admires his loyalty to Lisa in a way.

'Well, you're not making it any easier for him to choose you, that's for sure,' Ali says and Dec thinks, that sounds a bit harsh.

'What did _I_  do?’ he asks, a little outraged and yeah, he knows that he gets way too much satisfaction from being the victim here, but Ant got bloody married, didn’t he? Dec shakes his head. They should have done it properly. They should have been open about it. From the very first kiss.

'Don't act like you're innocent or something, Dec,' Ali says and this is the first time she actually seems hurt or upset, 'Remember me? Or Georgie? You weren't exactly sitting here, waiting for him, were you?'

Dec can’t look Ali in the eye. She’s right. Of course, she’s right. It was the two of them, it’s always the two them. Ant and him. And they messed it all up and – as it’s the case with everything – they have done it  _together_.

'Have you actually ever told him that you want to be with him?' he hears Ali ask.

First he wants to shout; ‘ _That’s not what I fucking think about every minute of the bloody day!_ ’, but then he changes his mind.

'No,' he says quietly, while studying his hands, 'I wasn't sure, if that was what I wanted. And then he proposed to Lisa…'

'I think you are using Lise as an excuse.'

Dec considers this. Yeah, Lisa might be just an excuse, and of course, he could’ve done things differently, but… when Ant bought the engagement ring Dec’s whole world fell apart. He didn’t care if Ant had a girlfriend, he didn’t care if he was living with someone else, he didn’t care if he loved anyone else, as long as Ant was  _his_. They are  _Ant and Dec_ , for god’s sake! Ant was his to keep and no one had the right to take him away from him.

But a marriage proposal… That changed everything. That meant that someone else had a more  _official_ claim than he did. And it was going to be sealed with a contract, a wedding, a white dress, a cake, congratulating guests, rings, a honeymoon and all that horrible stuff. Disgusting!

And when Ant actually decided that he was going to do it, that was the moment Dec gave up on the two of them. Because Ant wasn’t forced or pushed. He  _decided_  to choose Lisa over him and if Ant couldn’t see that, he was blind.

On the other hand Dec is still now and was even more conflicted at the time. Because despite all the sorrow and disappointment of Ant choosing someone else, he was also very happy for them. They looked beautiful together, and no matter how hard he tried to hate her, Dec really liked Lisa. She was funny and cute and sweet and she was lovely to be around. He obviously wouldn’t have gone for her – their taste in women couldn’t be more different with Ant -, but he understood what Ant saw in her. And he wanted them to get married and have loads of children and move into a house with a big garden and that was the problem, because that required him giving Ant up.

He actually got really close to telling Ant that he wanted Lisa gone several times. Ant – probably, hopefully! – would have put her out, next thing in the morning (Dec would do the same, without even blinking). But Dec always chickened out the last moment; he wouldn’t have been able to live with knowing that he might have taken away Ant’s chance at happiness.

'Yeah, maybe it's just an excuse' he sighs finally. 'But, you know, he was just so happy and I didn't want to be selfish.'

Ali rolls her eyes and she looks pretty annoyed, ‘Oh, Jesus, Dec! Seriously, what’s wrong with the two of you?! You act like a couple, you want to be a couple, what more would it take to actually be a couple?! This is getting so ridiculous!’

Dec looks up, a bit surprised, because Ali sounds so certain, ‘You think?’

Ali nods, ‘Can you stop it and do everyone a favour? Just hug and kiss and make up or whatever and then that’s it!’ she says, opening her arms.

Yeah, why can’t they just do that? Well, first of all, Ant has a wife. And Dec is pretty sure that he wants to stay with her. He was never deluded enough to think that Ant doesn’t love Lisa. But if Dec was to actually break their marriage up, would he be able to live with that for the rest of his life? (Actually yes. He’s pretty selfish, to be honest.)

Then what if it doesn’t work out with Ant? What if they don’t work as a couple? Maybe the fact that they know, they can’t be together is what makes it exciting, and without any obstacles they wouldn’t even want each other. (Oh, come on, that’s just stupid.)

Then there is the paralysing fear of losing Ant over a break-up. Because, sure, it’s not very likely, but what if because of some silly fight they hurt each other so much, that they never want to talk to each other ever again? How would Dec survive that? How would he be able to just continue getting up every morning? How would he be able to carry on eating, drinking,  _breathing_ , while knowing that Ant won’t be there for him any more? (No, that’s stupid too,  _stop it_.)

'You know what it is?' Dec says after thinking it through, 'What's actually holding me back? I mean, yeah, if we were to break up, we'd still be friends. But we would be hurt. Both of us. And I don't think I'd be able to handle that. I just-' he trails off, because he's not sure how to explain it, 'What I felt at his wedding, you know… It's just- You can't  _possibly_  imagine,’ he says, while shaking his head and oh god, just thinking about it brings tears to his eyes.

This gets a look from Ali and Dec realises what he’s just said.  _You can’t possibly imagine._

'I'm… Oh god, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that!' Dec wants to hit himself. When will he learn to think first, _then_ talk?

But Ali laughs it off and when Dec feels courageous enough to glance up at her, she appears to be smiling brightly.

'I know, Dec. It's fine, love,' she says, while taking a sip of her wine.

'No, I really shouldn't talk with you about all this,' Dec says, rubbing his eyes, tiredly.

'It really is fine, Dec,' the woman reassures him again.

Dec studies her face carefully, but her eyes are glittering with honesty. Dec lets out a sigh and runs a hand through his hair.

'I don't know what to do, Ali.'

Ali crosses her legs and blinks at him, obviously considering the options.

'Well, if I were you,' she says eventually, 'I'd definitely make him choose between you and Lisa.'

'And what if he chooses Lisa?' Dec asks right away, even though it's not the right question to ask. Because Ant won't choose Lisa. At the end of the day what they have with Ant together is the most important for the both of them and he  _knows_  that Ant would choose him. He knows that, because he would do everything for Ant too.

The question that he wants to ask, that he  _should_  ask is what happens when Ant chooses him and it turns out to be the wrong decision.

'He won't choose Lisa,' Ali says, 'But if he does, that's fine too. You'll finally know where you stand and you can start working on rebuilding your friendship.'

'It sounds so easy when youse say it…' Dec sighs and he wants to finish this conversation now. He is overwhelmed by all these feelings and he's pretty tired as well. There is probably something in his voice that tells Ali, that he's done for the day with the sharing, because she slowly stands up.

'Want a cup of tea?' she asks, while heading towards the kitchen and it's the most amazing thing Dec's heard all day.

He nods with an easy smile, ‘Aye, thanks.’

                                                  

 

Dec is still sitting in the living room when he notices movement outside. It must be quite late, but it’s not dark yet. There is some shouting and he can hear several people’s footsteps on the pavement. He yawns, then stands up; curious. The curtains are drawn in, but he can still see the lightning… wait, no. Camera flashes. Shit.

He practically runs to the front door and without even thinking about it – he acts from instinct, driven by their special connection thing, or whatever it is – tears it open, a second before the doorbell actually rings. For a moment the flashes blind him, but he reaches out, grabbing Ant’s arm and pulling him inside. He closes the door as fast as he can.

He doesn’t let go of Ant’s arm and forcefully wraps him into a quick, reassuring hug. Ant is panting very loudly –  _was he running?_ , Dec wonders. He also smells of alcohol. Dec is not entirely sure, but he thinks, it’s vodka. Oh, fuck. Ant never drinks vodka. That’s totally on him, Dec thinks, he shouldn’t have been so unbearable earlier, in the car.

'I'm sorry,' they say almost in unison when they finally let go of each other and they laugh.

Not a big surprise that it’s so disgustingly easy to make everything work again. It’s  _them_  after all. They look at each other, smiling.

Dec thinks back to his conversation with Ali. Should he actually make Ant choose? Before he could say anything, Ant breaks the silence.

'They were waiting in front of me house,' he says, motioning towards the door.

Dec looks at him, cautiously, ‘But they didn’t climb over the fence, did they? Cos they can’t do that like, it’s private property, they can’t…’

'No, no, they didn't. But there's a _lot_  of them.’

They share a meaningful look. So, that’s what it’s come to now. They can’t even go out of the house without having to run away from the paparazzi.

They sit down in the living room and Dec pours Ant a glass of wine without saying a word. Ant shakes his head and refuses to take it. So, he’s been drinking a  _lot_. Dec raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t say anything.

He notices that Ant looks around, weirdly; the Friends DVD paused, two wine glasses, the remains of the Chinese and the pizza on the coffee table.

'Ali?' he asks, motioning towards the empty pizza box, his face unreadable.

Dec nods, ‘She’s upstairs, working or something.’

Ant sighs, then takes a piece of chicken from Dec’s plate. Dec watches him eat it in silence.

'There is some more in the fridge,' he offers suddenly, but Ant shakes his head.

'Would you mind us smoking in here?' Ant asks quietly.

'The fire alarm will probably go off,' Dec says bitterly, 'Last thing we need is a couple of firemen going 'round the place.'

'Just to keep the paparazzi company,' Ant says with a cheeky grin, but after Dec stops laughing, he sinks back into his slightly drunken, very depressed mood.

'Do you wanna talk about things?' Dec asks hesitantly. He sure wouldn't mind getting some answers himself…

'Do you wanna watch a film?' Ant asks back and something in his voice tells Dec that he should leave it. He sighs.

'Yeah, sure,' he nods, managing a painful smile, 'What do you wanna watch?'


	9. Chapter 9

The three of them are once again sitting at the kitchen table at Dec’s, apparently  _discussing important things_. Well, it’s more like Ali and Dec are chatting rather gleefully and Ant is sitting there, silently sulking. He’s not sure why he’s sulking, to be entirely honest. He’s slightly drunk, and he just feels… pretty miserable. He shouldn’t; they watched a movie with Dec and they were fine. They really were. They weren’t great, but they were fine.  
  
However, he can tell that Dec is still angry with him. And why wouldn’t he be? Dec knows that Ant is not telling him something. And indeed Ant is still convinced that he should wait for Dec to decide if he wants to be with him or not, and  _only then_  tell him that he broke up with Lisa. Lisa… Ant feels like the guilt is suffocating him. Everything seems so surreal. Did he just break up with his wife because there is a slight chance that Dec might want to be with him? Fuck.

And why isn’t he telling Dec about all this? Even Lisa said, he should just tell Dec that he chose him. But he doesn’t want to tell Dec, because he wants to give him a chance to get away from all this. From him. From a lifetime of Ant  _and_  Dec and never Ant  _alone_  and Dec  _alone_.  
  
'If the public takes it well, ITV is willing to support you in an official statement,' Ali says and she's talking directly to Dec.  
  
Oh, that’s another thing. Apparently Dec and Ali (Why is she even here?) had a lovely chat about things this afternoon. A real heart-to-heart. Ant is not drunk enough to ignore their new-found harmony, but he’s drunk enough to be depressed about it. Fucking perfect…  
  
'If the public takes it well?' Dec echoes Ali's sentence. 'That's pretty vague.'  
  
'Yeah, I know,' she says and she's sitting way too close to Dec, in Ant's opinion. 'They are doing an internet survey to ask people if they'd still watch your shows or not.'  
  
Dec sighs, ‘Okay.’  
  
Ali smiles at Dec sympathetically, and maybe – hopefully! – it’s just the alcohol, but Ant wants to  _kill_ her.  
  
'Look, they don't want to lose you,' Ali explains, 'The two of you are very valuable to them, they just want to make sure that you're valuable enough.'  
  
Ant snorts.  
  
'So what happens if the public doesn't take it well?' he hears himself asking, his voice is surprisingly hoarse.  
  
Both Ali and Dec look up. This is the first time he’s actually said anything and he feels like he’s interrupting  _their_  private conversation. It must have been a pretty amazing little talk they had earlier…!  
  
'Well, your contract protects you, so they can't fire you because of what's going on in your personal lives and they can't reduce your air time significantly either,' Ali says, but she seems quite concerned, 'What they  _can_ do is to put your shows into timeslots that will definitely produce less viewers and use that as an excuse to fire you.’  
  
Ant knows, it’s just the alcohol – it has to be -, but all the jealousy, regret and desperation in him are mixing up and making him feel very angry. He is confused and so _full_  of feelings that he can only concentrate on one thing – hatred seems to be the strongest one of his current emotions. Hatred towards Ali.  
  
'And they can do all that legally?' he asks, with cynicism, 'Our contract  _sucks_ ,’ he knows, he sounds harsh and probably quite mean too, but at the moment it feels so good to blame Ali for everything.  
  
'Well, I'm sorry, but I never expected you to get caught on camera while kissing, Ant…!' Ali raises her voice and she's right, but Ant doesn't care. Before he could say anything to that though, Dec stops him.  
  
'Believe me, we never expected to get caught either,' Dec says, laughing, then sends Ant a look.

Ant pretends not to notice.  
  
'Okay, so…' Ali says, way too loud, trying to move the conversation along, 'So what we are going to do is to get celebrities and other TV presenters to support you. I'm thinking about people you know very well, like… ehm, Holly Willoughby and Philip Schofield? Stephen Mulhern. David Walliams maybe, and Keith Lemon, Robbie Williams… Do you think any of them would support you publicly?'

As Ali lists all these people, the only thing Ant can think about is that they all  _know_. He can only imagine what is going through their heads right now. It’s stupid, but Ant wishes they had told other people about their relationship. It wouldn’t be so awkward now.  
  
'Holly and Phil… probably. Keith, definitely,' Dec starts and he's looking at Ant, silently consulting with him, 'David Walliams, yeah, I think so. I'm not that sure about Robbie, but we'll see… Stephen will only do it if it doesn't do  _him_  any harm, but yeah, if we ask him very nicely…’

Ant nods. Yeah, that all sounds about right. He doesn’t feel like adding anything.  
  
'What about Simon Cowell?' Ali asks suddenly and her question is followed by a long silence.  
  
'Well, we can always ask,' Dec says hesitantly. Ant knows that he's thinking about how embarrassing it will be to talk to Simon after all this.  
  
'I want him to be on the show on Saturday,' Ali states simply and Ant hates her so much for it, 'Do you think, he'll agree to that?'  
  
'What, as a guest announcer?' Dec says, puzzled, looking at Ant again. He's silently begging him to join the conversation. 'We've asked him before, but he doesn't wanna do it.'  
  
'As  _anything_. I don’t care, as long as he’s there with you, at 7 o’clock, making judgemental comments about your affair,’ Ant doesn’t like Ali’s tone at all. He hates how professional she can be, shutting all her emotions down. She literally stops being their friend when she is talking with them about management and Ant just…  _hates_ that.  
  
'That's gonna be great fun,' he says in a disgustingly sarcastic way and that gets a reproachful glance from Dec.  
  
'Simon is a big brand. People respect him. The fact that he's willing to-'  
  
'We don't know that yet,' Ant interrupts Ali, just for the sheer purpose of annoying her, to be honest, but she ignores his comment.  
  
'-willing to be on your show assures the viewers that you're still worth watching. Also the audience love anyone or anything Simon makes hateful comments about, in that case you and your relationship, so…'  
  
'Okay, fine with us,' Dec says quickly, before Ant could make another stupid comment.  
  
'I want you to try and talk to him personally.'  
  
'Yeah, okay, we'll do that,' Dec nods again.

Ali sighs and starts stacking up all her papers that are scattered around the table. She seems a bit hesitant before talking again, ‘Ehm, have you been on twitter today?’  
  
'No, haven't had the time,' Dec shakes his head, 'Why?'  
  
'Good, um, just don't do it, okay?' Ali says, chewing on her lower lip.

Ant looks up, ‘Is it bad?’

Ali sends him a sad, comforting smile, which only makes him angrier. He doesn’t need comforting, for god’s sake, he needs… Right, what does he need…?  
  
'The country is not as homophobic as you'd think, but unfortunately most of the nasty ones are online.'  
  
'So, it's bad,' Ant remarks, but he's getting tired of all this. He just wants to go to bed, forget about everything – even if just for a few hours – and sleep.  
  
'Shouldn't we respond something?' Dec asks.  
  
'Not yet, but maybe tomorrow. And Dec? Keep it short and funny,' Ali is already standing up, when she remembers something else. She turns back from the kitchen door.  
  
'Oh, and about the paparazzi. Try not to leave the house, unless you absolutely have to. And when you do, don't react, just ignore them. I'm going to get you someone from the office to walk the dogs and stuff like that. If it gets worse, I'll get you security guards as well, but I don't think, it's necessary at the moment.'  
  
They both nod and Ant hears Dec sigh. Well, it’s not like they’re trapped in the house or something, but who knows? Ali seems to think, it’ll get worse. Great.  
  
'Do you have any questions or… concerns?' Ali asks and that is actually really nice of her, but that's when Ant loses it. Bloody hell, of course, he has concerns! There are a dozen people with cameras outside of his house, he broke up with his wife, but he's not telling Dec about it and the whole country knows that he is fucking his best mate…!  
  
'Do we have any concerns?! Yeah, I'm pretty concerned about a lot of-' he starts, but Dec saves the situation again.  
  
'No, we're fine,' he says tiredly, 'Thank you, Ali.'

Ali doesn’t understand it and seems to think, Ant actually has a problem that she could help with. She’s looking at Ant uneasily.

'Are you sure?' she asks, perplexed.  
  
'Yeah, sorry, Ant is just being grumpy,' Dec explains and he seems pretty annoyed.  
  
'Okay,' Ali says finally, 'See you tomorrow then,' she waves and starts for the front door.  
  
'You sure, youse don't wanna stay in one of the guest rooms or-?' Dec offers, standing up quickly, but Ali already has a hand on the doorknob.  
  
'No, I'm fine, thanks. The two of you should… talk about things anyway,' she says pointedly to Dec and Dec rolls his eyes. Ant feels left out – again. What the hell did these two talk about this afternoon?  
  
Dec sits back down, right next to Ant and they stay like that, without looking at each other till they hear the door close behind her.

Ant stands up right away, with new-found energy, ‘I’m going home.’  
  
'What?' Dec seems startled and a little bit… disappointed?  
  
'I said, I'm going home,' Ant repeats and he's already making his way into the living room, getting his phone and keys from the coffee table, where he's left them.  
  
'Anth…' he hears Dec plead from behind him, so he turns around.  
  
'I want to take Hurley out for a walk now that it's dark and there are no paparazzi around,' Ant says, but he's avoiding eye-contact.

Before even Dec opens his mouth, Ant knows that his best friend is furious.  
  
'Remember  _me_ , Ant?!’

Ant unconsciously takes a step backwards. Dec sounds a lot angrier than he expected.

'The one person who knows you better than anyone else in the… whole fucking universe? You really think, I can't see through you? If you wanna go, just fucking go, but don't make up shit excuses about it!'  
  
Ant rubs his eyes. Dec is standing in the living room door, with his hands on his hips. He looks just like how Ant feels right now; tired and frustrated.  
  
'Sorry,' Ant mumbles, a bit embarrassed. He's acting like a child, isn't he? When was the last time he actually kept something from Dec? And why is he lying to him now anyway?

He looks away from Dec’s inquiring glance.  
  
'You can stay the night, if you want to…?' Dec tries after a while, and his voice is much softer now.  
  
'I don't think, that's a good idea,' Ant says, because he really just wants to go home and  _sleep_. Thinking all night about how Dec is right there on the other side of a wall, sleeping all curled up, beautiful and cuddly is really not what he needs right now.  
  
'Oh, yeah,  _Lisa_. Sorry, I- I just forgot, I guess.’

Ant freezes. He has no idea what to say to that. The look on Dec’s face breaks his heart. Dec thinks, he doesn’t want to stay because he has to go home to Lisa. Dec doesn't know that Lisa's already left. Shit.   
  
'You should go. Lisa will be worried,' Dec adds, producing his best  _I’m-only-being-your-selfless-totally-amazing-best-friend_  face.  
  
'Aye. I guess, she will be worried…' Ant says slowly. LIAR LIAR LIAR.

'So how are you two doing anyway?'

And there it is. That’s the opportunity. He could just tell Dec everything. He could tell him that yesterday he told Lisa that he still loves her, but it’s not going to work out. He could tell him that this whole scandal thing made him realise that he loves Dec more than anything and he wants to be with him for the rest of his life. He could, but…  
  
'I… I don't know, Dec,' he says finally; his voice sounds strangely distant. He is still standing awkwardly at the coffee table, not really looking at Dec.

It hurts, not telling Dec the truth, but he feels like he can’t be selfish right now. He has to give Dec time to think things through. He has to offer him an escape route. After all that shit he’s put Dec through (What was he thinking marrying Lisa anyway?!) Ant actually pretty much owes him that.

'Well, you can sleep here any time, you want,' Dec says quietly.

Ant considers this. He thinks about the dark, empty house that is waiting for him. He thinks about sleeping alone in their bed with Lisa. He looks at Dec, who is faintly smiling at him. Just being in the same space with Dec makes him feel at  _home_. Oh, what the hell. He’s too tired to say no.

'Can I sleep on the sofa?' he asks.

Dec smiles at him warmly, astonished. He looks a bit like a little boy, who’s been just promised a big, big, wonderful present.  
  
'You mean now? Tonight?'  
  
'If you don't mind, that is,' Ant smiles back, shyly.  
  
'Of course not,' Dec says hurriedly, 'But you should sleep in one of the guest rooms. Much more comfortable like.'  
  
Ant nods, and he feels like Dec is filling up his senses entirely. This is the first time in a long while that he lets himself actually  _observe_  Dec and he finds that he absolutely adores everything about him. The way the light paints his hair golden brown, the pink of his lips, the fact that he looks very exhausted, but smiles so brightly… And his eyes are sparkling with… Ant can’t really identify what it is. It’s maybe… It could be…  _hope_.  
  
'Ant…' he hears and it's not louder than a whisper.  
  
Ant’s ‘Yes?’ is painfully immediate. He’s basically ready to  _die_  for Dec, right here, right now.  
  
Dec licks his lips. ‘Are you… going to talk to me at some point?’ he asks and he’s not being mean about it, he just wants to know.

Ant sighs, ‘We both need some time, Dec.’  
  
'I don't need time,' Dec shakes his head and he actually seems surprisingly certain about it, 'But youse can take as long as you want, Ant – I don't care. I'm just worried that you will never actually tell us what's wrong and you'll keep it all inside and then you'll explode and-'  
  
'I promise that I won't do that,' Ant interrupts him softly. Suddenly it occurs to him that they are standing so far away from each other - Dec is still at the door, he's right next to the coffee table - that he can't just reach out and touch Dec and that makes him uncomfortable.  
  
'Okay. That's… good,' Dec says with a small smile, 'Thanks.'  
  
Ant watches him carefully as he moves across the room to get the remote control and turn off the TV which is still paused on the Friends DVD. As he walks past him, Dec reaches out and touches Ant’s hand slightly. Ant automatically reaches out too; their fingers find each other for half a second. The gesture seems so wonderfully out of place after they’ve been standing on different sides of the room for so long. Ant has butterflies in his stomach.

He suddenly finds himself grinning widely. The touch reminds him of something that he’s been thinking about ever since that interviewer brought it up this morning.  _Their first time._  The first time he held Dec’s hand. The first time he kissed Dec. The first time he… made love to Dec.  
  
'Hey, do you remember…?' he asks suddenly, but he's so surprised that he's actually saying this out loud, that he doesn't finish the question. Dec turns back to face him right away though, as if he was thinking about the exact same thing too.  
  
'Yeah,' he says, smiling at him cheekily, 'The interview made me think about it too. Down at the quayside, in me car… God, we were so young…!'

Ant laughs, ‘We were…! And pretty brave as well, for sure.’

'Yeah,' Dec agrees, 'I was so afraid, you're gonna laugh in me face…'

'Oh, me too. I've no idea how I actually managed to find enough courage in meself to grab your hand…'  
  
'I've no idea either,' Dec laughs, and god, he's _beautiful_ when he laughs, ‘But I’m glad you did,’ he adds softly.

Ant looks up, genuinely surprised, ‘You are?’  
  
'Of course, I am, Ant,' Dec says and his voice is soft, but he is frowning disapprovingly.  
  
'Even now?'  
  
Dec snorts impatiently, ‘This… whole  _thing_ … this mess doesn’t change anything…’ he says passionately, but Ant has a feeling, that wasn’t the end of the sentence. Dec was going to say, being outed doesn’t change the way they feel about each other. Ant sighs. Yes, but…  
  
'Well, it sure changes a couple of things…' he says, with a sad smile. He thinks, he would be able let Dec go, if Dec chose to leave. He's still convinced, this is Dec's chance to quit the whole ' _Ant and Dec – together forever and ever_ ' thing.

If he tells Dec now that he wants to be with him, Dec won’t be able to say no to him, even if he wants to. Why won’t he? Out of pity, or loyalty or because it’s easier to say yes, Ant doesn’t exactly know, but he is certain that it wouldn’t happen.

The other option is that he doesn’t say anything about breaking up with Lisa yet and lets Dec think it through and gives him the chance to make his  _own_   _decision_. And then, if he wants to, he can actually leave Ant without feeling guilty.

Dec rolls his eyes, then sighs. Ant sees worry appear on his face. ‘I don’t want you to make the wrong decision, Ant.’

 _Wait, what?_  
  
'You think this is about me deciding? Between you and her?' Ant asks, not quite believing his ears.  
  
'Well, it kind of is,' Dec shrugs.  
  
'It's about  _us_ , Dec. About  _you and me_. You can’t just exclude yourself. It’s your decision too.’  
  
'It's not the deciding, I'm worried about,' Dec shakes his head, 'I know us, Ant. And I  _know_  what we’re gonna decide. We will always choose each other and we’ll  _always_ choose to be together. But… what if that’s the wrong decision? What if-?’

Ant’s heart skips a beat, ‘You think, being together is the wrong decision?’  
  
'Ant, just think about it for a second! I don't want to guilt you into this. You have a future with Lisa and-'

Relief washes over Ant suddenly and he feels like he can breathe again. There’s no time to acknowledge that though, because fury takes over.  
  
'So, it's the wrong decision for  _me_ , but not for _you_? I can be with Lisa and you can be my wonderfully selfless best friend? Well, fuck you, Dec! Who asked you to sacrifice yourself for me?! And why do you always have to be the victim anyway? You are not exactly innocent about fucking this all up. It’s not all _my_  fault, you know.’  
  
'That's what Ali said too,' Dec murmurs, nodding.

'Great,' Ant snorts, 'I'd appreciate if you didn't talk to her about stuff like that, okay? It's kind of  _personal_.’  
  
'Well, you don't wanna talk about it, Ant, so what am I supposed to do?' Dec rolls his eyes angrily.

Ant sees some justification in that, but still. It’s none of anyone’s business.  
  
'Just don't tell her everything, okay?' he asks, 'It's embarrassing.'  
  
'Yeah, I know, it's embarrassing, Ant!' Dec shouts, 'She used to be my girlfriend!'  
  
'So why are you telling her about us?!'  
  
'Because she's fucking  _there_ ,’ Dec says and there are tears in his eyes, ‘And she offered to talk to us. I wanted to talk to  _you_ , Ant, but  _you_  don’t want to talk to me,’ Dec really does seem hurt. And it’s all Ant’s fault. He should have known that Dec will react badly to Ant not telling him something.

Ant shakes his head slowly. He can almost feel the guilt creeping its way up his spine.

'And don't pretend that you don't talk to Lisa about us, cos that's just bullshit,' Dec spits finally.

'I never talk to her about us, Dec,' Ant says quietly, trying to be reassuring. He takes a step towards Dec.  
  
'Yeah, whatever you say, Ant,' Dec shrugs him off angrily and he's stomping out of the living room, leaving Ant alone with his misery.  
  
'It's not the wrong decision for me either,' Ant says, desperation obvious in his voice. All he wants is to hug Dec tightly and never let him go.   
  
'Oh, really?' Dec turns back, sarcasm heavy in his tone, 'Why are you hesitating then?! Bloody make it!' he shouts, while making his way up the stairs furiously.

Ant stands there, in the suddenly quiet living room, speechless, stunned, breathing heavily. He hears Dec slam a door upstairs and for some reason, it makes him smile. Dec is slamming doors, because he thinks, Ant would be happier with Lisa than with him.  _I don’t want to guilt you into this._  That’s what he said, right? Does that mean that Dec wants to be with him…? Oh, god!

Ant wants to… laugh. No, no, he wants to  _sing_. Eternal Love, oh, fuck yes!

He doesn’t start singing though, instead he pours himself a glass of water and sits back down to the sofa. He laughs a little laugh, astonished. He doesn’t want to take it for granted, of course, but it sure as hell seems like it’s actually going to happen. They are going to be together. They are going to hold hands and…  _Hold hands._  
  
Ant remembers their first time very vividly. The memories hit him now with a sense of overwhelming, picture-perfect reality.  
  
He remembers, they were both completely devastated after leaving Matthew’s office. Their dreams were shattered and the stability of Byker Grove, something, they experienced every day was now gone forever. What really scared Ant though wasn’t that he lost his job. The fact that he wasn’t  _linked_  to Dec in any way now, that they weren’t PJ and Duncan and best mates on the telly any more, that they would never have to work together again and as a result not spend every waking moment together, that was what made him feel so lost and scared.  
  
His emotions were quickly becoming unbearable, as they made their way out of the building, still pretty stunned and he felt desperate to say something or maybe  _do_ something to tie Declan and him together. Preferably, for life.  
  
They got into Dec’s Mini Metro without saying a word and Ant knew Dec would drive them down to the quayside. They had this favourite spot, looking over the Tyne bridge, where they used to hang out a lot.  
  
Dec parked the car and there was this electrifying thing between them in the air, something really powerful and suffocatingly passionate. They sat there in complete silence, without looking at each other for what felt like hours. Ant’s mouth went dry, his hands were shaking. This was the moment he’d been dreaming about, the opportunity he had been hoping for.  
  
He couldn’t think clearly. His head was dizzy with all these questions and forbidden emotions, uncertainty and… blinding lust. But all the chaos and hurricane of emotions came down to this one thing; was he brave enough to make a move?  
  
He lifted up his right hand a little – as a try. It was shaking violently. He silently counted to three, then – without looking up – reached out and grabbed Dec’s hand. Dec immediately squeezed back reassuringly and after a while he intervened their fingers.  
  
Ant let out a relieved sigh. He wasn’t crazy then, Dec felt it too, Dec  _wanted_  it too. The tension in the air was overwhelming. They still didn’t look at each other, but Ant could feel Dec shift closer. That was the moment when Ant decided that if he was going to do this, he will not do it without looking into Dec’s eyes.  
  
He turned his head slowly to face him and he knew, Dec was doing the same. The minute they locked eyes, Ant was lost. Lost in the green-blue sea of perfection that Declan was.  
  
Ant was expecting them to be giggling awkwardly, but it didn’t happen. They leaned towards each other slowly, lost in each others eyes – trembling with the overwhelming sensation of being this close to each other – until their mouths touched. It was the sweetest kiss Ant ever had in his life. Its tenderness and beauty put butterflies into Ant’s stomach. He found his hand tangled in Dec’s hair and he deepened the kiss, patiently exploring Dec’s mouth with his tongue. He felt Dec’s hands at his hips, grabbing his t-shirt, reaching under it, with ease and confidence. Confidence in Ant and confidence in their  _foreverness_.  
  
That was their first kiss. Tender, sweet, and innocent, filled with such grace and beauty that Ant couldn’t get enough of it. He felt whole. Declan and him fitted together like puzzle pieces. He was perfectly happy and incredibly overwhelmed with being…  _grateful_  for finding Dec.  
  
After a while however, their rebellious teenage hormones and all that desire they’d been feeling the last couple of months battled down their tenderness. Dec yanked down Ant’s cap forcefully and grabbed him with so much passion, it took Ant’s breath away. Dec pulled him on top of him, so they ended up both in the driver’s seat and it wasn’t the most comfortable position ever, but it didn’t even remotely matter to either of them.  
  
Dec bit down on Ant’s lower lip and their second kiss was the exact opposite of their first. It was rough and dirty and it had all their teenage clumsiness and inexperienced want in it.  
  
Ant reached down for Dec without even thinking about it. All that adrenalin made any shyness and doubts he still had left disappear and he pulled Dec’s fly down with such confidence as if he was doing this on a regular every-day basis.  
  
He heard Dec gasp loudly when he got his cock out and it made him smile. Thinking back he would have loved to stop for a moment, put their foreheads together and look at Dec’s face, while listening to him gasping for air, while he was caressing his cock, but experiencing all this with Dec for the first time meant there was no stopping.  
  
Ant was aching to touch himself as well and his trousers felt painfully tight. He managed to pull his zip down without breaking their kiss. He felt Dec grabbing his butt and he kissed down Dec’s neck, licking, sucking and biting, all at the same time, physically not being able to get enough of him.  
  
Ant began stroking himself with one hand and stroking Dec with the other. He heard Dec’s breathing fasten and Dec’s grip tightened on his hips, under his t-shirt; Ant was pretty sure his fingers were leaving red marks around his waist.  
  
'Oh god,' Ant heard Dec gasp out loudly and it almost made him come; both of them were already slick with pre-come. Actually Ant was pretty much on the edge of coming ever since their lips touched the first time - he was a 17-year-old boy after all.  
  
Ant started to stroke both of them together and he watched with new-found delight how it made Dec yank back his head and shut his eyes tightly.  
  
'Oh, fuck, Anth…'  
  
They came at the same time. Together. Ant remembers, his orgasm was so intense that he, honest to god, could see black dots for at least a minute.  
  
He collapsed on top of Dec, still not really believing that this had actually happened. He felt Dec hugging his waist tightly, pressing their bodies together, not willing to break contact.  
  
It took at least a minute till Ant’s breathing even  _started_  to slow down and he pressed his lips onto the naked skin of Dec’s neck.  
  
'Oh wow,' Dec said breathlessly, laughing into the crook of Ant's neck, 'How come, we've never done this before…?'  
  
'Yeah, well,' Ant laughed, rolling down from Dec, 'There's a first time for everything like…'  
  
They more or less managed to fit into the driver’s seat next to each other, although Ant was half-sitting in Dec’s lap. A moment passed in silence, then they glanced at each other at the exact same time and they laughed. Ant couldn’t stop grinning.  _So, this is what happiness is…!_ , he thought.  
  
'So, what now?' Dec asked him, reaching out for his hand.  
  
'Well, I guess, we'll become pop stars…' Ant replied, interlocking their fingers.  
  
Dec shook his head, ‘I still can’t believe it, man…’  
  
Ant looked up, ‘What, that we just had sex or that we’re out of Byker?’  
  
Dec shifted closer and licked Ant’s neck cheekily, which made him giggle.  
  
'That we're out of the show, idiot,' Dec said, rolling his eyes, 'I mean, what are we gonna do now?'  
  
And as they were lying there, hands and legs tangled, fingers intervened, the smell of sex, salty crisps and Fanta in the air, both of them a mess, the only thing Ant was sure about is that no matter what he’d end up doing, he wanted Dec to be there with him. That was when they made their promises. They vowed, they’d always be there for each other. It was a teenage romance’s overwhelmed, passion-driven promise, but Ant never came even close to regretting it.  
  
He shakes his head and smiles at the memory. They were young and innocent and nothing else mattered, but their passion and love for each other. And why should anything else matter now? By letting Lisa go he is only doing what he needs to, what he  _must_  do. He is just keeping his promise.  
  
_'It's not the wrong decision for me either.'  
  
'Oh, really? Why are you hesitating then?! Bloody make it!'_

Ant just smiles to himself. He already did. He made the right decision when 22 years ago he chose to reach out and grab Dec’s hand.


	10. Chapter 10

Dec wakes up to the sounds of Ant making breakfast downstairs in the kitchen and for a moment he genuinely thinks, they are in Australia, where it’s just the two of them, alone, far away from everything. Then the whole thing hits him – all at once – and for a little while he’s just lying there, staring at the ceiling, trying to even out his breathing.  
  
'Hey,' Ant smiles at him brightly when he steps into the kitchen 'Made you toast.'

Dec yawns, as he sits down to the already set table, ‘You’re in an awfully cheerful mood this morning,’ he says suspiciously, squinting sleepily because of the strong morning light.  
  
Ant just sort of ignores that and sits down next to him, ‘Coffee?’ he asks, still smiling.  
  
'Aye, thanks, man.'  
  
They eat in delightful silence. They both know that ignoring the whole thing won’t help, but maybe they can pretend just for a little while longer… Maybe until after breakfast.  
  
Dec is enjoying the quiet meal. Being with Ant and not actually talking or doing anything always gives him this safe and very satisfying, warm feeling. He loves every moment, they spend together, even if it’s just reading the newspaper, watching the telly, or having a nice breakfast.  
  
He finishes his first toast and starts reaching out for the butter. Only starts, because before he could actually touch it, Ant hands it to him without saying a word, or even looking up from checking football news on his phone. Dec takes it, but then he stops for a moment. He never noticed these little things before, these special  _friendship things_ , everyone’s always talking about, but… they do work well together. Ant doesn’t even seem to realise what happened, he’s still looking at his phone – it was probably an automatic kind of reaction. Dec smiles.  
  
They continue their breakfast and two more toasts later Dec suddenly feels really aware of the pair of eyes lingering on him. No, not on him, more like on his  _body_. In an  _unmistakeably_  sexual way.  
  
'You're staring, Ant,' Dec says and he looks up, suppressing a smile.  
  
'Sorry,' Ant says and then he… giggles. Yes, he giggles.  _Seriously? How old are ya, mate?_  ‘Just wanted to apologise for yesterday, man,’ now he hits a much more serious tone, ‘I’m sorry I yelled at youse and-’ he tries to continue, but Dec quickly interrupts him.  
  
'Me too, Anth. Forget it, eh?'  
  
They smile at each other and that’s that. Oh, once again it’s just so disgustingly easy for them, isn’t it? No wonder, they never fight.  
  
'So, we really got ourselves into a bit of a mess this time, Declan,' Ant says cheerfully, drinking his coffee. Oh, that cheeky smile…! Sometimes Dec thinks, that's the only thing that's keeping him sane.  
  
'Yeah, I'm afraid, we did…' says Dec and they both laugh nervously. Dec sighs and he notices that Ant shifts uncomfortably in his seat. He looks up at him questioningly.  _What’s up?_

'Decky, um, can I talk to you about something?' Ant says, and his eyes are smiling, but his voice is dead-serious.

Dec nods –  _of course_  -, but then…

'Your phone…' he mumbles in disbelief. And, yes, Ant's phone is indeed annoyingly buzzing on the table.  
  
'Just ignore it, okay?' Ant says, making an impatient little move with his hand, 'I want to tell you something.'

But Dec is not paying any attention to him.  
  
'No, no,  _your phone_! It’s me Mam! Calling on your phone!’ Dec explains and there is panic in his voice.  
  
'Oh,' says Ant.

Dec has no idea what to do. He avoided talking to his mother so far and he still doesn’t really feel prepared to explain why he never told her about his affair with his best friend.  
  
'I don't wanna talk to her, Ant,' he says quietly, shaking his head. He can't look away from the buzzing phone, his heart is beating fast and he feels nervous in his stomach. He looks at Ant, silently begging for help.

Ant reaches out and rubs his arm reassuringly, ‘It’s gonna be fine, Dec’ he tells him and Dec wants to believe him so desperately, but he can’t.

'You don't know that,' he argues.  
  
'Well, you'll have to talk to her eventually anyway,' Ant says calmly, 'She's just worried, Dec! At least just tell her, you're okay and alive like.'

That sounds reasonable. Dec takes a deep breath. Just telling her that he’s okay. Yeah, he can do that. There is nothing difficult about that.  
  
'O-okay,' he says, but his voice sounds incredibly faint.

Ant smiles at him one more time and stands up to leave and give him some privacy.

'Stay!' Dec cries out suddenly. He's terrified of dealing with this alone; he's desperately clinging onto Ant's arm, which he managed to grab just in time. 'Please?' he adds weakly.

Ant nods slowly – he seems a bit surprised –, but sits back down, ‘Yeah, of course.’

Dec takes Ant’s phone in his hand and counts down from three. He hits the green button, thinking his heart will surely jump out of his chest, just in a second. His hand is shaking as he raises the phone to his ear.

'Hey, Mam,' he manages and he lets out a sigh.

'Declan?' he hears his mother's relieved voice from the other end of the line. (But is she relieved because it's him answering the phone or because she's glad that he's alive and ready to talk?)

'Yeah, it's me,' Dec says, noticing, he is holding his breath.

'Declan, pet, tell me, it's not true!'

Well, that’s definitely not a good start. Dec takes another deep breath and looks up at Ant, who’s nodding encouragingly.

'It _is_  true, Mam. I’m sorry,’ he finally says.

'I can't believe you, Declan!' she cries on the other end. She sounds disappointed rather than angry, which is actually worse. 'What were you thinking…? How long has this been going on?' she demands and Dec feels like a child who's done something really naughty.

'For about 20 years now…' Dec says quietly, studying the pattern of the tablecloth very closely. There is silence on the other end of the line. 'I'm sorry, I didn't tell you,' he tries.

'I don't know what to say,' she really does sound speechless, but only for a moment. Anne's voice soon becomes very lively… 'What happened? What made you do such horrible-?'

 _And here it is…_ , Dec acknowledges with tired scepticism. His nervous behaviour from earlier is gone, he’s now calm and… defeated.

'There's nothing horrible about it, Mam,' Dec replies and he forces himself to stay patient, 'I know, it's a bit hard to understand, but-'

'I don't understand it  _at all_ , Dec. Are you under the influence of something? Are you taking drugs?!’

'What? No, Mam. I'm not-' Dec wants to laugh. That's ridiculous even coming from his mother, 'I'm not taking drugs,' he says slowly, keeping his voice emotionless. He's careful not to look up, but still, he notices the pain in Ant's eyes. Was Ant  _really_ expecting his Mam to be accepting and lovely and all that?!

‘ _That man_ , Declan! And he’s married! And Ali! Poor Ali, she’s such a lovely girl…’ his mother continues.

'Yeah, Ali  _is_  really lovely, Mam,’ Dec says, feeling sick of all this. He’ll never be able to make her understand it, he realises. She belongs to another generation, she has different values and he can’t even blame her, because it’s not her fault.

'Then, I don't understand it, Declan.'

Dec sighs, then he looks up at Ant. His best friend looks betrayed and cheated, but still… he seems strong and ready to fight. Fight for him.

And Dec decides to just simply say it. It doesn’t really matter at this point anyway, and he’s so disgusted of all these lies and secrets.

'I love him, Mam. I'm  _in love_   _with him_. Always have, always will. And you can’t do owt about it.’

Ant looks up, surprised, widened eyes and all, but Dec avoids eye-contact with him. He has to concentrate on his mother now. After he’s finished with his Mam, he can then deal with Ant and all his stupid, not willing to communicate with Dec and keeping everything inside shit.

'Don't say that,' Anne says, on the edge of crying, 'You just  _think_ , that’s what you’re feeling, but you’re going find a nice girl, I promise, and you’ll settle down and-‘

'No, Mam, I'm  _quite_  sure, I’m in love with him. Had 20 years to think about it, you know.’

'If your father could see this, Declan…'

'Yeah, but he died,' he replies dryly.

'Declan!'

'Well, he did, didn't he?' this is the first time he actually raises his voice, losing his temper.

'I'm so disappointed in you.'

Dec sighs. He was expecting this, of course, but it hurts so much more than he imagined. Fuck.

'That's nothing unexpected,' he finally says, 'Anything else?'

'This attitude, Declan…! What did that man do to you?'

‘ _That_  man has a name and he didn’t  _do_ anything to me,’ he answers and he can’t help, but raise his voice, ‘You know Ant, Mam, he’s me best friend.’

'He's not your friend, Declan, please, pet, believe your mother!' Anne is practically begging him now.

'Mam, I've known him all me life. God, you've known him just as long too…! He's still  _him_.’

'What he is, he's a good actor for sure,' his mother says with the blind confidence of a 5-year-old. 'The way he was hiding it…'

'And what exactly was he  _hiding_ , mother?’ Dec’s voice is dripping with sarcasm.

'His sinful-'

And this is when Dec really loses it. It’s one thing that his mother is angry with him and that she doesn’t understand  _anything_ , but assuming that it was all Ant’s fault? That Ant ever did anything  _bad_  to him, that he ever  _hurt_  him in any way? Now that’s too much, really.

'Oh, for fuck's sake, Mam, it's not like he-'

'Language, Declan!'

'-seduced me or anything! I was more than willing, if you really want to know,' now he's just provoking her to be honest.

'Are you saying that you wanted this?' Anne sounds so surprised that Dec would laugh, if he wasn't so angry.

'Jesus! Why can't you be just a normal, supportive mother for once?!'

'I can't be supportive, if you-'

'I'm not asking you to be chuffed about it, Mam. Hell, I'm not even asking you to understand it. I just want you to accept me the way I am!' Dec stands up angrily, as the emotions drive him.

He wants her to be sweet and understanding and he feels like he could  _die_  from all the frustration, he’s feeling right now. It’s absurd that  _he_  has to tell  _her_  how to be a good mother…!

'I love you, Declan, but…'

'But, what? I'm not good enough for you now?! I'm sinful, because I love him?!' he is properly shouting now at the kitchen cupboard and even though he can't see him, he knows that Ant's just stood up wanting to help, but not knowing what to do.

'What you feel is not-'

'Don't tell me, it's not real,' his voice turns into cold and threatening in a matter of seconds, 'Don't fucking tell me that, because you have no idea. You have  _no_  idea.’

'I don't know what happened to you, Declan…'

Dec takes a deep breath, staring blankly at the kitchen wall. He’s willing to try it one more time. One more  _last_  time, then that’s it, if it doesn’t work, then he’s finished.

'That's the thing, Mam! Nothing happened. Everything is the same,' he tries to explain it to her, 'It's still us, it's still Ant and Dec! The only difference is that now you know about it.'

He’s holding his breath, while waiting for the answer. Maybe she finally got it now. Maybe she understands it now. Maybe she-

'I can't believe this… What happened to you Dec? There must be something that made you-'

He cuts her off right away. It hurts, of course it does. But he can’t do owt about it, can he now?

'Mam, this conversation is getting pointless, so I'm gonna hang up now,' he says, the lack of emotion in his voice scary.

'Declan!'

'I love you, Mam. Bye,' he hangs up and puts down the phone onto the kitchen counter slowly. He takes a deep breath and turns around to face Ant, but…

He doesn’t have time to do anything else, because Ant – the same way he did it after the interview yesterday – attacks him with a kiss. Their mouths crash in hungry excitement, and Dec – despite his surprise – soon gets into it too, exploring Ant’s mouth with feverish lust. Ant pins him up to the counter, his hands firmly hold Dec by his hips. His kiss quite obviously means ‘ _I love you too_ ’, this is his “always have, always will” and Dec can’t help but start wondering if that’s what Ant wanted to talk to him about just a minute ago.

Just as Dec - wanting to take things a bit further - tugs at Ant’s shirt though (he manages to quickly push the thought of Lise out of his mind) Ant suddenly moves away and Dec blinks at him dumbly for a moment.

'What's wrong?' he asks, looking around stupidly, searching for the reason why Ant stopped kissing him.

'Well, are you okay?' Ant looks at him worriedly, as if he suddenly remembered the rest of the phone call (and not just the “I love Ant” bit) only now.

'Oh. Well…' Dec shakes his head, pretending to be nonchalant, 'Yeah, I- I don't know.'

Ant smiles at him sadly, ‘She’s gonna come around, Dec,’ he says, trying to comfort him. His strong hands are still wrapped around Dec’s waist and it feels so natural that it’s actually scary.

'Yeah, that's hilarious, Ant…' Dec says, raising his eyebrows cynically, but his anger is not actually directed at Ant, of course, but at his Mam.

'I'm so sorry, Decky. I wish I could make it easier…' he says.

'Yeah, well,' Dec shakes his head and lets out a dry laugh. He goes to the table, sits back down, leaving Ant alone, leaning onto the kitchen counter.

'You know what's funny?' Dec asks in a voice that indicates it's going to be  _painful_ kind of funny, ‘Last Wednesday she said to me on the phone that out of all my siblings – even Dermott! -, she was most proud of me.  _Me_ , the TV presenter…! Nothing changed! She just didn’t fucking know about it then!’ he shakes his head, then looks up at Ant, ‘Do ya remember that day? Last Wednesday? We went golfing and you fucked me into the wall of the changing room at the club? The day she told me, she was most proud of me! Ironic, isn’t it?’ Dec lets out a frustrated groan. 

‘ _Okay_. I’m gonna make you a cup of tea now,’ Ant says, rolling his eyes, ‘Youse are really getting into this feeling sorry for yourself business…’

Dec is grinning cheekily, ‘So you  _do_ remember the changing room, eh?’ he says, batting his eyelashes at Ant sexily, half-joking.

'You certainly have sudden mood changes, Dec,' Ant says, raising an eyebrow at him, with a kettle in his hand, mug in the other.

'You were the one who jumped on us, kissing and all, Anth!' Dec replies in a childish, moany voice; sulking.

'Are ya trying to charm us into bed by acting like a 5-year-old?' Ant asks him, laughing.

'Depends on. Is it working?'


	11. Chapter 11

'Can we go from the top, everybody?'

'Tony, what are you doing?'

'Ready?'

'Camera 3! Is anyone at camera 3?'

'Okay. Music!'  
  
Ant feels unbelievably nervous as he steps up onto the stage. He’s keep repeating  _it’s only rehearsal it’s only rehearsal_  in his head, but it doesn’t seem to help. In a way rehearsal’s even worse than the actual show, because these people – the crew – actually  _know_  them, and their curious and sometimes definitely judging glances make everything so awkward, whereas there is nothing sneaky about a studio audience, they are literally there to watch them.

'Good evening and welcome to your Saturday Night Takeaway,' Dec starts as the music fades, 'The only show on telly that says don't just watch the adverts…'  
  
There is a faint, undeniably bored  _Win them!_  from the crew.  
  
'Ahh, very cheerful lot tonight!' Dec smiles cynically, which gets a few laughs.  
  
'And they even get  _paid_ to do that,’ Ant adds, laughing, then he turns to Dec to continue the opening, ignoring the anxious knot in his stomach, ‘So, Dec.’  
  
'Yes, Ant?' Dec smiles at him crazy-enthusiastic, over-playing it for the comical effect.  
  
'Have you read the papers recently?' Ant asks, pretending to be casual.  
  
'No. I never read the papers,' Dec shakes his head dumbly.  
  
'Never?'  
  
'Never. You know, it's all just rubbish about celebrities kissing in public and all that sort of stuff…' Dec says, nonchalantly, with a hint of mischief in his eyes. 'Why, what is it?'

Ant hears a bit of laughter from around them, which is definitely a good sign. He relaxes a little.

'Oh, never mind, it's not important!' he says.  
  
'Oh, come on, I wanna know!' Dec starts moaning and Ant holds his hands up.  
  
'Okay, okay, I tell you!' he takes a deep breath, 'Well… it's about you…'  
  
'Yes?' Dec asks eagerly.  
  
'And me…' Ant continues carefully.  
  
'Yes?'  
  
'And it involves kissing…'  
  
'Yes?' Dec asks back again.

There is a short pause, then Ant speaks quickly.  
  
'And that's all I know, I never read the papers either,' he tells him with one breath, hurriedly.  
  
There is laughter again and then one of the lighting guys stops the rehearsal – they have to adjust something. Ant lets out a deep sigh.  
  
Their director, Chris steps up onto the stage to talk to them. He smiles at them apologetically and Ant can’t decide, if it’s because they had to stop or he just simply feels sorry for them because of the affair thing.

'We're gonna have to stop, cos they have a lighting problem,' he says, 'We can go again in like twenty minutes. Is that alright?'

They both nod and to be honest, Ant really doesn’t feel like talking. He feels very self-conscious. If all rehearsals are going to be this stressful from now on, he could just quit now.

Chris is already turning to walk away when Dec stops him.

'Is it any good?' he asks from him abruptly, 'It's rubbish, isn't it?'  
  
'I think, it's funny, boys,' Chris says with a non-committal shrug and Ant really doesn't know whether he's lying or just doesn't care.  
  
'Yeah, okay, it's funny, but is it  _good_?’ Dec asks and Ant sees the anxiety that he’s feeling himself, mirrored in Dec’s eyes.  
  
'Stop worrying, okay?' their director tells them, with a friendly smile, 'It's gonna be fine,' he pats Ant on the back and finally turns away to talk to someone else.  
  
'So, it's shit,' Dec concludes, when they are left alone.  
  
'Well, he didn't actually say that,' Ant says, managing a painful smile.

Dec snorts, which, Ant believes, translates to a very sarcastic  _Yeah, whatever_.

'Wanna eat something?' Dec turns to him suddenly, 'I'm starving!'  
  
Ant nods. Maybe food will make him feel a little bit less miserable. ‘Aye, me too.’

  
  
The two of them sit down at a small table in the corner of the cafeteria with their sandwiches and try to stay as invisible as they can.  
  
'Do you think, we should tell her that she can eat  _and_ stare at us at the same time? Her food is getting cold,’ Dec groans, indicating a woman, sitting at a nearby table.

Ant looks around, ‘12 out of 18 people are staring,’ he reports after a quick count, ‘Do you think, they’re waiting for something?’ he asks.  
  
Dec looks up, ‘What do you mean?’  
  
Ant shrugs, ‘Well, that we might start kissing or I dunno… having sex in the middle of the room.’

Dec laughs.

'Well, that's certainly _not_ gonna happen. I’m getting paid to entertain them on Saturday evenings and now it’s Wednesday, one o’clock!’ he shakes his head, ‘I don’t think so, man.’  
  
Ant smiles at him. He loves this about Dec, the way he always manages to find the funny side of things.

A comfortable silence falls between them and Ant watches with raised eyebrows as Dec stuffs his bacon sandwich into his mouth.

'You're disgusting, y'know,' he says, but his voice is full of love.

'What?' Dec asks back, but his mouth is so full of food that it comes out as a muffled groan and a piece of bacon even falls out of his mouth.

'Nothing,' Ant says, laughing and without even thinking about it, he wipes a breadcrumb off Dec's chin with a napkin.

Dec freezes and stares at him awkwardly. The movement was undeniably very intimate and even without looking up, Ant knows that the number of people staring at them is now 18 out of 18. He slowly brings his hand down, dropping the napkin.

'I'm sorry,' Ant says quietly and he lets out a tired sigh.

Dec shakes his head, sniggering, ‘No, it’s just… You’ve been quite touchy-feely today like,’ he says, and he seems to be wondering about something, ‘Is this about what you wanted to say? This morning, before me Mam called?’ he asks.

Ant shivers. He tries to suppress a smile, but epically fails at it.  _Here it is_ , he thinks. But instead of telling Dec about the whole Lisa thing, he just smiles awkwardly at him. He doesn’t want to do it like this.

'Yeah, um, can we go somewhere private?'

Dec dramatically sighs, ‘Me mother warned us about youse, you know! You and your sinful thoughts, Anthony…!’

'Shut up, man,' Ant mutters, laughing.

They stand up, throwing the used napkins and rubbish away, and even though the room does not go completely silent, it becomes noticeably quieter. All of their colleagues are staring at them, with curious looks in their eyes. Dec pretends not to notice, but Ant feels an embarrassed cramp in his stomach as they walk out the door.

 

They sit down onto the sofa in Ant’s dressing room and Ant’s nervous because now this whole ‘ _him and Dec talking about things_ ' situation has gained such an official feel. Maybe he'll just wait till the perfect moment comes… He shakes his head. Why is he so afraid to tell Dec? Is it because he's worried Dec will not want to be with him, even though he broke up with Lisa? Maybe it just doesn't seem real and he still can't believe that it's finally happening. Or is it something else? Guilt because of Lisa? Ant doesn't know, he just knows that it doesn't feel right. He can't just come out with it…

He glances up at Dec. He looks like he’s been thinking hard about something and actually he’s the first to break the silence.

'Can you imagine you and me actually…' he asks Ant, but he doesn't finish the sentence. Ant doesn't have time to wonder why.  
  
'Dating?' he asks back and Dec nods, 'Honestly? I don't know. But, I mean, would you have been able to imagine us as TV presenters, back in the day?'  
  
Dec shakes his head, ‘No. That’s true.’

Ant actually sort of  _can_  imagine them being together. He can totally see them holding hands while out, shopping, or sharing a small kiss while walking the dogs together…

Ant’s heart is beating so loud that he’s surprised, Dec can’t hear it. He feels an overwhelming mixture of nervousness and excitement as he asks, ‘So… do you wanna give it a try?’

Dec seems… shocked. He looks up in disbelief, with big eyes, studying Ant’s face carefully.  
  
'You mean  _officially_ ,  _actually_ …?’ he mutters; hesitant.  
  
'Yeah, why not?' Ant smiles at him easily, even though he's pretty sure, he's going to have a mild heart attack in a minute.

Dec smiles back at him brightly, but then his face clouds over, as if he suddenly remembered something important. He looks up.  
  
'So, you and Lisa…?'

Ant shakes his head with a determined motion, ‘It’s  _definitely_  not happening.’

Dec looks at him, seemingly surprised at how immediate and certain Ant’s answer was, ‘Are you sure?’ he asks dubiously.  
  
'I wouldn't ask otherwise, Dec,' Ant assures him, rolling his eyes a little.

Dec shakes his head and slightly touches Ant’s arm, ‘Just because yesterday you seemed so hesitant and I don’t want to guilt you into…’ Dec starts quickly, explaining his doubts, but Ant interrupts him.  
  
'I'm hesitant, because this is your chance to get away from all this,' he says with a sad smile.  
  
Dec looks confused, ‘My  _what_ …? Why would I want to get away from anything?’  
  
'Because we've been together for 25 years, Dec! And that's a long time like.'  
  
Dec looks at him, suddenly concerned, ‘Are you saying that you want to…  _l_ _eave_?’  
  
'No!' Ant says rapidly, ' I'm saying, that  _you_ might want to, and now you can-‘  
  
'But I don't want to!' Dec cries out, annoyed. It's obvious that he doesn't understand why they're talking about all this. Ant doesn't care though, he has to ask these questions, because he  _has to be sure_.

'Do you ever wish, you had never met me?' he asks Dec quietly.

‘ _What?!_ ’

'It would be easier, you know,' Ant says, ignoring Dec's outraged expression, 'You wouldn't feel this…  _t_ _hing_. It’s like a responsibility. We are linked or connected or whatever and you can never be free from it. Without me you could have a nice life with Ali and kids and all that. Without me everything would be so so much easier for you,’ he finishes with an almost apologetic smile.

For a moment Dec appears to be too angry to snap at him, but knowing Dec, Ant’s sure, he’ll find his voice eventually. And he does.

'Yeah, sure, it would be fucking  _easier_ , Ant, but you know what? I don’t care. Because you make up for everything,’ he tells Ant passionately, then he continues to talk in a much softer voice, ‘Being with you is what I want, Ant, it’s all I’ve ever wanted. Yeah, it might be unhealthy; yeah, it’s not the easiest thing in the world to be part of this, but…  _y_ _ou and me_ , Ant?’

Dec looks straight into his eyes and his gaze is so brutally honest that it makes Ant shiver, ‘We belong to each other and you have to  _accept_  that. I will never…  _n_ _ever_  put anything in front of you and that’s not because I love you unconditionally – which I do -, but it’s because it’s a choice. It’s  _my_   _choice_  and I will always choose you. So no, I don’t fucking wish I had never met you. And don’t you dare ever say anything like that again,’ Dec finishes his rant with a threatening quality to his voice.

Ant just smiles at him dumbly. He currently feels like he’s in a magical place, far far away, filled with butterflies, unicorns and rainbows. ‘Are you sure?’ he asks.  
  
'Of course, I am!' Dec says, now irritated.

There is a moment of soft silence between them, as it starts to sink in for the both of them, what they have just decided. They are going to be  _together_ … For the first time they finally don’t have to hide or worry or-

They look up at each other at the exact same moment and start to laugh intimately.  
  
'So, what do we do now?' Ant asks and he can't help, but recall the remarkably similar feeling that he felt after their first time together.  
  
'I guess, just start acting couple-y,' Dec says with a cute smile, shrugging.

Ant feels like a teenage boy, falling in love for the very first time.  
  
'We already kinda do that, don't you think?' he says, giggling.  
  
'Oh, shut up,' Dec hits his arm playfully, but then the movement abruptly turns into a gentle rub.

Ant glances up. Dec looks so incredibly beautiful as he’s smiling at him softly and, yeah, okay, it might be just the lighting, but honestly, Ant doubts it.

He leans forward to kiss him and he genuinely expects his heart to jump out of his chest as their lips touch. It’s a tender kiss and Ant never ever wants it to end.

They part suddenly, as they hear the door open and Ant’s stomach drops.  _Oh, shit._

'Really, Ant? You didn't close the door?' Dec looks at him angrily, but he sounds slightly amused.

'How was I to know, we'll be doing things like this, eh?' Ant argues, bickering.

There is a frustrated cough from the door. It’s Ali. She seems a bit astonished, but she just shakes her head slightly, as if saying,  _okay, let’s just move on,_ _we don’t have time for this_.

'We have a problem, boys,' she says dead-seriously and closes the door behind herself.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I'm going to say "reverse cowgirl", because watching Celebrity Juice as research is pretty much the best thing ever (wink wink).

Another table, another deadly serious conversation between the three of them. Ant, Dec and Ali are sitting in Ant’s dressing room and Dec is feeling very annoyed and slightly bemused as well.

Ant and him were kissing when Ali had come in, and then she stated – very awkwardly -, that they had some kind of a problem. Dec still can’t believe it. Not the problem thing, oh, he can believe  _that_ all right,  _of course_  there is a problem, there _always_  is – it’s  _them_ after all. No, Dec still can’t believe the fact that Ant has just asked him out. Like properly, really, seriously, totally asked him out. It was slightly ridiculous, to be honest, but still. Dec doesn’t think he ever felt this happy in his life.

Ali’s voice interrupts Dec’s thoughts cruelly and drags him back into reality, ‘Did you talk to any other journalists other than the one from the Sun, yesterday? Laura Smith?’ she asks.

Ant and Dec exchange a worried look. It just occurs to Dec that the air is still awkward and tense – Ali just caught them kissing for god’s sake! -, but it must be serious if she’s willing to ignore all that and just easily move on.

'No, didn't talk to anyone else,' Ant says slowly, 'Why?'

Ali rubs her nose – she seems tired. Like  _r_ _eally_  tired. ‘You know how we promised an exclusive interview to the Sun in exchange of delaying the release of the picture?’

They both nod. ‘And? Is something wrong?’

'It was an  _exclusive_  interview. We agreed that you wouldn’t talk to anyone else other than them until after the release tomorrow,’ Ali explains and she runs a hand through her slightly dishevelled blonde hair.

'Yes, we know that,  _so_ …?’ Dec still doesn’t understand what Ali’s on about, and to be honest he’s beginning to lose his patience. He’s holding his breath, waiting for her to come out with it.

'Well, apparently a celebrity website is quoting something you guys said to them yesterday.  _In an interview._  The editor of the Sun is giving me  _hell_  because of it, and if he wants, he  _can_  cause lots of damage to us by writing shit about you,’ Ali says and she blinks at them wearily, ‘Are you  _quite_  sure you didn’t talk to anyone?’ she asks again.

'Yeah, we're sure,' Ant assures her, frowning, 'Why, what does the article say?'

'Er… apparently Dec stated that he's not angry, but confused about the Sun outing the two of you and something else about…' Ali is now looking at her phone, checking the article, 'Here it is… It says, Ant was upset about Dec's mum not accepting him during the whole time and he very violently ended the interview when asked about religion…?' she looks up with a puzzled expression on her face.

'Oh, shit,' is all Dec can manage.

Ali looks up, suspiciously, ‘What? What have you done?’

Ant turns to Dec, ignoring Ali, ‘The pink woman, yesterday in the parking garage?’ he asks, then – as Dec slowly nods – mutters, ‘Fuck.’

'What is it? Tell me – what is it?!' Ali demands.

'There was this paparazzi who sort of attacked us like when we were leaving ITV towers yesterday. She must've heard what we were talking about,' Dec says in a choked voice.

'And what  _were_  you talking about?’

'Er-' Dec honestly can't remember. He thinks, they were arguing about something, but he was so taken aback by Ant yelling at the journalist when she said something about Dec's mam, that he has no idea…

Dec remembers being really exhausted and he was so done with everybody just _staring_  at them all day and then he snapped at Ant – but no, that was in the lift, the woman couldn’t have heard that… Oh, yeah, right. They got out of the lift and then Ant asked him if he was upset because Ant had kissed him after the interview and he said

_'I'm not angry, it's just… It's confusing, Ant.'_

_'What is?'  
_

_'What do you think? The way you’re acting. I mean, do you have a plan like?’  
_

_'Do I_ _look_ _like someone with a plan, pet?’_  
  
'Well, we certainly weren't talking about “the Sun _outing_  us”’ Ant says, letting out an annoyed huff.

'So, this woman… she just overheard something, she's lying about interviewing you… you didn't actually  _talk to her_ , right?’

Dec feels the anger building up in him, and he blurts out without thinking, ‘No, we already  _told you_  that we didn’t fucking talk to-‘

Ant proves to be much more patient than him, ‘We didn’t give an interview to anyone, especially not her. She was waiting behind a car with her camera and then followed us around a bit – she was quite aggressive like, you know,’ he explains.

'So there are pictures,' Ali says as if she was announcing that the end of the world is finally happening.

'Aye.'

'But no video.'

'No, she was just taking pictures.'

Ali lets out a sigh, ‘So, we can’t prove that she’s lying about interviewing you.  _Great_. And what about the religion stuff?’

'Er-'

Ant and Dec look at each other, their eyes lock. Dec knows Ant’s feeling guilty and embarrassed about the whole incident – he’s desperately trying to apologise to Dec silently, his eyes are begging for forgiveness. Dec can also feel, he’s getting upset about what the woman said all over again. Dec sighs. He remembers the whole little scene very vividly.

_'Dec, what does your family think of your relationship? Is your mother upset? Will she forgive you for your sins and for poisoning your best friend's marriage? Or does she think you're a big disappointment? Is she praying for your soul?'_

_'THAT WAS ENOUGH!'_

Dec was already getting into the car when he slowly turned back to look at Ant, feeling his jaw dropping. What was Ant doing shouting at that woman? First he felt quite annoyed that Ant even bothered to react to the pink woman’s stupid questions, then anger took over as he realised that Ant was yelling because he wanted to  _protect_ him, because he thought that he was so  _weak_ that the journalist’s words would get to him.

'I- I sort of lost it and shouted at her,' Ant admits quietly as he tears his eyes away from Dec's and turns to Ali.  
  
’ _You what?!_ ’

'I'm sorry, okay?' Ant says passionately, 'She was saying some really horrible stuff about Dec's mam and I couldn't just… leave it like.'

Ali looks like as if she wants to say something, but then she changes her mind. She suddenly looks up, ‘Wait, she was behind a car? Where was that?’

'In the parking garage, we were just walking to the car to leave.'

Ali’s face lights up, ‘Oh, yes! That’s it! That’s ITV property, no one’s allowed there without permission. Oh, yes!’

'Does that mean you can get them to take the article down?' Dec asks optimistically.

'I'll try,' Ali nods, 'Hopefully they won't risk ITV suing them for harassment.'

'Would ITV actually sue them to protect us?' Ant asks, looking quite sceptical.

Ali smiles at him brightly, ‘I’ve no idea. In the current conditions probably not, but  _they_ don’t know that. Excuse me,’ she says cheerfully as she stands up, ‘I have to make a phone call.’

The rest of the day goes unusually quickly. They continue rehearsal and Dec thinks, it’s not even that awkward this time, although definitely not very pleasant either. Dec just wishes all these people would stop staring at Ant and him – it’s really frustrating and not helping with his slowly developing headache.

It’s about four in the afternoon when they finally go back to their dressing rooms to get their stuff and leave. Dec gets his coat, keys and phone, runs a hand through his hair and takes a deep breath. It’s weird being in his dressing room all alone, where it’s quiet and everything seems completely normal, as if nothing happened. He sighs. He checks his phone, as he walks out the door and leans against the wall in front of Ant’s dressing room to wait for him. 5 missed calls and 12 texts from various siblings and over a thousand twitter notifications. He doesn’t dare check twitter, nor the texts.

As Ant comes out and closes the door behind him, he seems a bit startled. He gives Dec this strange, very intense look, which Dec can’t really place.

'What?' he asks, but Ant just shakes his head, distractedly, 'Nothing,' he says quietly.

They don’t say anything, while making their way down to the parking garage – they are both half-expecting someone to suddenly appear and ask them loads of questions, while flashing their camera. When this doesn’t happen, they look at each other, giggling, feeling very silly. Then Ant’s expression suddenly changes, his face turns blank and distant. Dec frowns.

'So,' he turns to Ant as they get into their car. 'We didn't tell Ali about us.'

Ant looks at him blankly; Dec notices, he’s sitting further away from him than he usually does, ‘What do youse mean?’

'You know,' Dec smiles at him cheekily, playfully nudging him in the shoulder, 'That we decided… you know, that we're er,  _together_ ,’ he says pointedly.

Ant looks at him with the same, grumpy expression, although he manages a very fake smile, ‘Oh,  _that_.’

 _Okay, then_ , Dec thinks and doesn’t say anything for the rest of the car-ride.

They did have an exhausting day and Dec can’t really blame Ant for being grumpy. He would have loved to continue their conversation about this whole relationship thing though, because frankly, he still can’t believe how quickly Ant’s attitude changed from Sunday’s “I’m still with Lisa, and her and I will get through this, it changes nothing at all anyway” to today’s “Lisa and I are so not happening and do you wanna be together, please say yes”.

He doesn’t understand it at all to be honest, but Ant doesn’t seem to be in the mood for answering any questions at the moment. Dec’s headache is getting worse anyway, so he doesn’t mind that much. He watches Ant silently as he stares out into the rainy London afternoon.

They don’t even think about it, they choose to go to Dec’s house this time too (Dec wonders why not Ant’s – maybe because it’s such a  _family_  home) and try to quickly get through the crowd of reporters and paparazzi with the help of their driver, Joe.

'There's a lot more of them today,' Dec says, as he finally closes the door behind them, 'You'd think they have stuff to do, places to be, y'know… but, no, they are just standing here, out, in the rain…' he mumbles, fumbling with his door key. When Ant doesn't answer, he turns around suspiciously, 'What's-?'

Suddenly Ant’s all over him. Dec’s first thought is that this is not even kissing, it’s more like a sexual  _attack_. He’s biting Dec’s lower lip, his hands are tugging at his jumper impatiently, while his hips are pinning Dec to the door.

'T- this is the third b- bloody time, - oh fuck – you're attacking us in like 2 days, you know…' Dec says in a rather conversational matter, as if only talking about the weather, when Ant lets him breathe again, 'Are you like going through a horny teenager phase or something?'

However Ant’s pretty preoccupied with leaving little pink bite-marks on Dec’s neck, while also trying to drag him upstairs, and he doesn’t answer right away.

'You looked so  _stupidly_  sexy, just now, waiting for me, in the studio… Leaning against the wall, standing there and all…’ Ant says, as he opens the bedroom door, while still kissing various parts of Dec.

'Been restraining' yourself ever since then, love…?' Dec asks him, but it comes out a lot less cheeky than he intends it to be, which is mainly due to Ant suddenly grabbing his bum.

'Thought I was gonna jump on ya in the car, Decky…'

As Ant pushes him down onto the bed, and for some reason Dec suddenly realises that the last time he slept in his own bed was probably four or five days ago, when everything was still alright (or was it…?). Now that he thinks about it, he decides that it’s quite weird – where  _did_  he sleep then?

Well, yesterday he collapsed in one of the guest rooms after his fight with Ant. Then on Monday he fell asleep on the kitchen table, and on Sunday they slept on the living room sofa with Ant. On Saturday… Well, after finishing Takeaway they ended up in a pub, but left quite early – though only after a quick blow job in the toilet – and then… Yes, that’s right, Dec remembers getting into bed – feeling definitely too drunk and tired to take a shower -, right next to a sleeping Ali, feeling dirty and disgusting, while still thinking about how good Ant’s mouth felt around his cock.

It’s not exactly a conscious decision when he stops Ant (who’s on top of him at the moment, still kissing him, while trying to remove his own shirt), but he does and he sort of just distantly hears himself ask in a really serious voice, while pulling away, ‘Can I ask you a question, Ant?’

Ant seems puzzled and positively annoyed about currently not having sex with Dec, but he nods and sits up, finally managing to take off, then throw his blue shirt away.

Dec takes a deep breath, ‘What changed?’ he asks.

'What changed?' Ant echoes the question slowly, carefully, 'What d'you mean?' he seems confused.

'It's just… On Sunday, when Ali showed us the picture, you said… You were so sure that you wanted to be with Lisa and that you two will be able to solve everything and… I dunno, I was just wondering – what changed since then?'

Ant sighs. He seems resigned, he straightens up and seems to be thinking about Dec’s question.

'I guess, while I was telling Lisa about the picture and about  _us_ , I just realised that I’m never gonna be able to give youse up. And that no matter what happens (even if I stay with her) I’ll always want you, which is not fair to her. 'Or to you, for that matter,’ Ant says thoughtfully, Or to meself,’ he adds with a shrug, then he looks expectantly at Dec.

Dec nods. This is just what he needed, he thinks. Ant, in his bed, half-naked, being completely honest with him.  _Brilliant stuff._

He leans forward to give Ant a little peck on the lips, ‘Thank you,’ he says softly and he’s sure, Ant knows, he got this one for his honesty. And yeah, okay, a little bit for finally choosing him and not Lisa, but more for the honesty. ‘So are we having sex now, or what?’ Dec asks then suddenly, licking his lips, half-joking.

Ant laughs and starts removing Dec’s jumper, ‘Shut up,’ he murmurs lovingly.

They soon are kissing frantically again and Dec – as always – can’t stop thinking about how perfectly compatible their bodies are. It’s like they were actually _made_  for each other. Also his headache is gone, just like this. Magic it is then, he decides.

Ant moves his hand up Dec’s thigh and even though he’s still in jeans, he trembles under the touch. Dec notices how Ant stops for a moment, searching for his eyes. Dec looks into the warm hazel pair.  _I love you._

Dec smiles at him. _I love you too._

Ant kisses him thoroughly, then starts on his trousers, while Dec undoes his own. He feels Ant’s warm breath on his cheek, wet lips slightly touching his skin.

Dec slides his hands around Ant’s waist and pulls him closer to his now almost naked body. He feels Ant moving his hand towards his cock, playing with the string of his boxers. He hears himself let out a loud gasp.

Ant quickly removes Dec’s underwear and Dec feels a warm hand wrapping around his cock. Ant starts stroking him in a teasingly slow fashion, so Dec, taking control, kisses him messily and bites down on Ant’s lip. He drags a hand across Ant’s sweaty chest and belly, then grabs his hips firmly. He pulls away from their kiss, leaving Ant breathless. He moves Ant off himself, so he can kneel up and reach the bedside table, yank open its drawer and grab the small bottle of lube inside.

He sees from the corner of his eye that while he’s doing that, Ant’s getting rid of his own pants and when he turns back, he’s already lying there, face-down, resting oh his elbows, smirking up at him happily.

'In topping mood, are ya, Decs?'

Dec feels himself blush, but mutters a “Shut up” against Ant’s lips and silences him with a quick and rough kiss, while lubricating his fingers. He’s kneeling right next to Ant and slowly eases one finger into Ant’s perfectly rounded butt.

'Oh, fuck, Dec,' Ant gasps and Dec watches his muscles tense on his back as he moves his finger in and out of him. He leans down to give him another messy kiss, while carefully slipping in another finger.

'Fuck,' Ant pants again, kissing back roughly. His back arches, he raises his hips higher, pushing up into him and Dec knows…  _feels_  – after so many years it’s as easy to read Ant as a book – that he’s ready.

Ant knows exactly what Dec wants, without him having to say anything. As he removes his fingers from him, Ant climbs on top of Dec, kissing him slowly.

Dec reaches for his hips, turning him around gently, so that he’s facing Ant’s back now, then he sucks in a shaky breath as Ant starts lowering himself onto his rock hard penis.

Dec buries his face into Ant’s back, touching his trembling lips to the naked skin. As Ant starts slowly riding him, he slips his hands around Ant’s waist, hugging him tightly from behind.

'Anth,' he manages shakily, snapping his hips forward.

He runs his hands over Ant’s chest, while breathing a kiss onto his back, just under his shoulder. ‘Fuck.’

As he thrusts up, into Ant, Dec reaches forward for Ant’s half-erect cock and starts stroking him. He can’t help, but grin into Ant’s back, hearing all the whimpering noises that are coming from him.

'You still alive, pet?' he asks him cheekily, voice hoarser than expected.

Even though he can’t see Ant’s face, he can imagine him rolling his eyes, before hearing him say weakly, ‘Shut up, Dec.’

Dec’s already on the edge, but he knows Ant still needs a minute to be there too, so he tries to restrain himself, slowing down the movement of his hips.

'Oh, fuck,' he moans. The rhythm of his thrusts matches the rhythm of his hand stroking Ant and as Ant starts swearing too, he knows, they are both  _there_  and he lets himself ride out his orgasm.

His body pressed tightly against Ant’s is more than perfect, and as he feels himself going over the edge, Ant’s body tightens too. It’s as if they were one person, not two – he feels himself come at the exact same moment as Ant comes all over his hand. The heat washes through him and he cries out as his climax passes.

He can’t breathe, feeling totally worn out, it’s all hot and sweaty and it’s  _Ant_  and it feels different this time, because they are together now and holy shit  _he can’t breathe_.

The motion to grip Ant’s hips from behind – getting Ant’s come all over his naked waist -, to prevent him from collapsing comes automatically, out of habit.

Ant finally falls down, back onto the bed, right next to him (on Dec’s right, as always), burying his face into Dec’s collarbone.

'Declan,' he mutters into his slick, sweaty skin.

They lie there for a while, panting loudly; Dec on his back, unable to move, Ant on his chest, breathing heavily against Dec’s neck.

'Oh, shit, I missed this,' Dec mutters, trying to catch his breath.

Ant looks up, laughing. He presses himself up to his elbows, ‘You’re very greedy like,’ he says smiling brightly at him, ‘We had sex last Saturday. It’s only Wednesday now…’

Dec laughs too and waits for Ant to fall back onto the bed as his elbows give in, he’s lying on his back now. Once he’s settled down, he lazily throws his left arm across Dec’s chest and pulls him closer to himself, so that Dec’s head is resting on Ant’s shoulder now.  
  
'No, I mean, I missed having sex and not being guilty about it,' Dec says after a while.

Ant doesn’t say anything, but Dec knows that he understands what he means. Of course he does. It’s always cheating, no matter which way around it happens. If he sleeps with Ant, he’s cheating on Ali, but if he sleeps with Ali, he’s cheating on Ant. No surprise, that this new  _liberation_  makes him happier than ever. And without Lisa in the picture…

Dec thinks, this is almost too perfect to be true.


	13. Chapter 13

He is quite certain that he is dreaming when he feels Ant’s moist lips kissing his cheek, but then he hears Ant say ‘Hey, Decky?’ softly from behind him and he decides it sounds pretty genuine. He slowly opens his eyes and rolls onto his back. Ant is leaning over him, his hands are reassuringly grabbing Dec’s hips and it is as real as it gets.  _It’s not a dream._  
  
'Morning,' Dec says, yawning and he finds that he's grinning widely.

Ant steals a quick kiss from his lips, then he says, ‘Er.’

Dec pushes himself up to his elbows, frowning. There is a concerned look on Ant’s face.

'What is it?' Dec asks, sitting up nervously. 'Did something happen?'

'No, it's just… Well, there is er… a spider in the bathroom. Can you please…?'

'Are youse serious like? You woke us up to kill a bloody spider…?!'

'I'm sorry.'

Dec suppresses a smile, then lets himself fall back down onto his pillow. He closes his eyes again and almost drifts back to sleep.

He feels an impatient nudge at his back, ‘Decky, I want to shower – can you please…?’

'Yeah, yeah, I'm coming,' Dec mumbles distractedly, without opening his eyes, 'Just give us a minute.'

The bed is soft, warm and comfy and Dec has no intention of getting up. After a while he feels the bed shift under Ant’s weight as he lies down and a moment later strong arms slide around his waist from behind, hugging him closely.

'I'm not gonna get up if you cuddle us, I can tell youse that much,' he murmurs to Ant sleepily.

'Aye, I know,' Ant says and Dec can hear, he's smiling.

 _Oh, well._ So Dec just lies there, without a care in the world; Ant pressed up against his back, with his hands over Dec’s belly and it’s the most beautiful feeling ever. _Waking up next to Ant._  This is what he wanted. This is what he’s been waiting for.

Dec smiles again and he thinks about yesterday and just how  _perfect_ it was. After having sex, they stayed in bed all afternoon (and then afternoon turned into evening and then evening into night), eating crisps, re-watching  _Broadchurch_  and kissing. Oh, yes, there was loads of kissing. And more sex (not much though, just a little bit).

Dec grins into his pillow. It just doesn’t get any better than this, does it? Well, actually it  _could_ get just a  _tiny_  bit better than this, he thinks – there’s still the problem of the whole nation knowing about their affair and then there is Lisa and Ali and at least a hundred family members and oh, shit, they have to do a show on Saturday (a LIVE bloody show…!), but right now it feels absolutely perfect and that’s more than enough for Dec.

Because yesterday Ant told him that he needed him more than he needed Lisa. And yes, being proud of that might be really selfish and not very honourable, but Ant needs  _him_  and not  _her_ and Dec just cannot possibly be not happy right now… Yes, that’s what he said, that he would always want Dec.  _Always._

Dec smiles yet again, but then he suddenly – absolutely horrified – opens his eyes, as he realises something.

‘ _Ant?_ ’

'Hmm?'

Dec takes a deep breath and tries to sound casual, ‘Yesterday you said that you realised that you… you’ll always er… want me and… this was while you were telling… er, Lisa about the picture, right?’

Ant’s comforting arms disappear from around him and Dec can feel that he pushes himself up to his elbows behind him, ‘Aye,’ he says slowly, in a suspicious matter.

'And… you told her you didn't want to be with her any more?' Dec speculates, while he's turning around to face him.

'No, I told her, I wanted to be with you, and not her,' Ant says quietly, playing with the corner of his pillow, distractedly, 'And that I wanted a divorce,' he adds. 'Why?'

Dec sits up, ‘When was that?’ he asks slowly and puts a lot more emphasis on  _when_ than he initially intends to.

'When? Er… Monday night.'

Dec looks up at him. Ant is still pretending to find the creases on his pillow-case very interesting. Dec wants there to be an explanation for this, he needs Ant to prove his suspicions wrong, oh, he needs it so badly…!

'You realise it's Thursday now, aye?' he asks, beginning to feel a painful kind of stinging, right around his heart.

'Er, yeah,' Ant says and by now it's quite obvious that he's avoiding eye-contact with him.

'You waited two days to tell me that you were divorcing your wife?' Dec finally asks, voice trembling from suppressed anger.

Ant is still not looking at him and he only manages to mutter, ‘I’m sorry, I just-‘

'Let me put it this way, Ant,' Dec interrupts him loudly, 'You  _lied_  to me for two days about divorcing your wife?!’

Ant finally looks up at him, then takes a shuttered breath, and speaks only then, while silently begging with his sparkling eyes, ‘Dec, I just wanted to make sure-‘

But Dec is not in the state to be able to listen to any kind of explanation at the moment; he interrupts again, ‘Wanted to make sure about what, huh? That I want you too? So if I don’t wanna be with you then you can just go and plead yourself back to Lisa and never tell me about the whole thing?’

'What?' Ant doesn't just looks considerably taken aback by this assumption, but seems also utterly helpless against it, 'No-'

'What else have you lied about?' Dec spits the words at him.

‘ _I’m sorry_?’

'Well, you lied about not being together with Lisa, so  _what else have you lied about_?’

'I didn't-' Ant trails of, apparently not believing his ears, 'Dec, I  _didn’t_ lie about it,’ he says with a new-found, determined calmness.

'Oh, really? I asked you how she took it and you said that she'd yelled and that she was upset and that she was moving to her mam's – might I remind you, only moving there  _temporarily_ , that’s what you said -, but you, you forgot to bloody mention that you  _broke up with her_?!’ Dec shouts, completely out of his mind. He finds, he gets a cruel little satisfying feeling from seeing Ant wince painfully at the amount of sarcasm in his voice.

Ant composes himself again and attempts another explanation, ‘Dec, I did it, because I wanted you to be sure…’

'Oh, I was sure, Ant, I always was about us,' Dec says bitterly, as the memory of Ant telling him, he was going to propose to Lisa suddenly comes back to him. 'You, Ant? Not so sure. I mean, why else would you wait two days to tell me that you were divorcing her?'

This is the first time, he actually waits for Ant’s answer and it’s mainly because he feels panic wash over him and he thinks, he’s going to faint. Only a few minutes ago it was all so perfect and wonderful and  _why_ _didthishaveto-_ _?_  This is cannot be happening right now, no, no, it  _cannot_ – oh, Ant, say something, explain it, please…!

'Because I thought you'd only want to be with me, because I broke up with her…!' Ant shouts, almost _triumphantly_ , as if this was the most satisfying explanation, he could have ever come up with.

Dec can’t even speak for a second. He lets out a strange yelp, before saying coolly, ‘Oh, wow. That’s nice. So you think I’m only with you because you  _divorced your wife for me_?’

Ant must know, too, by this point, that he’s lost this, mustn’t he? If he could just simply admit it that he’s made a mistake, maybe Dec would be able to forgive him and just get over this whole thing, but it seems like Ant still thinks he has a shot at convincing Dec that his actions were justified.

'No, that's what I wanted to make sure of-' his faint try is rather pointless though; Dec cuts him off again, almost immediately.

'Make sure that I wasn't only with you out of guilt,' he finishes Ant's sentence, with a curt nod. Then his façade suddenly breaks and he just desperately wants to  _know_ , ‘You think I don’t love you enough?’ he asks him in a terrified whisper, sounding broken. Ant opens his mouth, but nothing comes out, so Dec continues, only this time, he’s yelling at the top of his voice.

'You make me wait for 20 years, you bloody marry someone else while still  _fucking me_ and then you don’t have the courtesy to  _tell me_  that you’re getting a divorce,  _for two days_?! Do you really think, Ant, that I’m happy that you’re divorcing Lisa for me? Do you think I would want you to divorce  _anyone_? I didn’t even want you to get married in the first place!!’

A strange silence follows Dec’s painful shouting, they stare at each other motionlessly. Ant doesn’t seem to know what to do. Or say.

'Dec…' the way Ant says his name ticks something off in Dec and he gets out of bed, throwing off all the covers aggressively.

'No, Ant, you know what?  _Fuck you_. You make me wait 20 years, you ruin my attempts at having real relationships, then think you have the right to think that I only wanna be with you because I’m guilty and not because I love you?!’

Ant finally finds his voice. He gets up too, making an inviting sort of motion towards Dec, while muttering desperately, ‘I didn’t think it through, Dec and I’m sorry, I understand what you’re saying and I didn’t think you would-’ he stops, quite abruptly, curiosity glowing on his face, ‘Wait, ruin your relationships? What are you talking about?’ he asks, in a completely different voice – nonplussed, but conversational.

'I'm talking about Clare!' despite of Ant's civilised tone, Dec's still shouting, his face is screwed up in anger.

'Clare? Clare Buckfield?' Ant asks him vacuously.

'What other Clare have I dated?' Dec says fake-annoyed and a lot more quietly than before, while he's turning away from Ant to lift his jeans up from the floor. Now, that he thinks about it, Dec sort of regrets bringing up the whole Clare thing. No matter how angry he's with him at the moment, Ant doesn't have to know about Clare. He really doesn't.  _Who’s keeping things from the other one now?_  says an annoying little voice in his head.

'You and Clare broke up because you were fighting all the time!' Ant says, not understanding. 'What do  _I_ have to do with that? You were whining about her being bossy every chance you got Declan,’ he adds, to justify his perplexity, while looking at Dec’s back, expectantly.

'We were fighting about _you_ , okay?’ Dec says, in an accusing sort of voice, while he turns back around energetically; the legs of his jeans flying around him weirdly because of the sudden motion.

'What?' Ant is looking at him with the dumbest expression ever, and Dec just can't deal with his naivety – it hurts so bad. 'I'm sorry- what?' Ant repeats, confused.

Now it’s Dec’s turn to look away. ‘Her problem was that you and I were too close. She couldn’t stand it, she was, er,  _jealous_  of you, I guess,’ he mutters, while observing the floor, ‘And that is why we broke up,’ he finally admits, doom-faced.

'You never told me that…' Ant says quietly, no trace of anger in his voice, whatsoever. 'Did she- er,  _know_?’

'What, that she was  _right_?’ Dec looks up, surprised. ‘Did she know that we were  _actually_  fucking?’ he lets out a joyless little laugh, ‘No.’

Then there is a puzzled silence and they stand there – only a few steps between them-, glaring at each other, taken aback by the sudden halt in their fight. They are both half-naked; Dec is still stupidly holding his jeans in his hand; there is the uncomfortable pain of their secrets and half-lies hanging in the air; clothes and empty crisp packets are littering the floor around them and… as they look at each other again, they both – reluctantly though -, but give in to a smile.

'I'm guessing she probably knows  _now_ , though. I mean, everyone does,’ Dec says, the corners of his mouth twitching.

'Yep.' Ant smiles too. ' _Everyone_ ,’ he repeats slowly, then looks up at Dec, ‘Are you done shouting with me?’

Dec can’t think of anything to say to that, so he just nods and waits for the apology, he knows is coming. And sure enough, Ant has a rather excusatory quality to his voice when he speaks next.

'Look, Dec, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about breaking up with Lisa. At the time it felt like the right thing to do,' he says evenly, in a serious voice, his eyes locking with Dec's. 'You should have told me about Clare, though,' he adds then, sighing. 'No more lying, Dec. No more of  _this_ , okay?’

'Okay,' Dec agrees softly.

Ant steps towards him,  ceremoniously, ‘Can you, forgive me, please, Declan?’ he asks.

Dec considers it. He’s still very angry with Ant. For lying and for not trusting him and for thinking that he didn’t love him and for believing that he would actually leave him given the chance (that he would _want_  to leave him!) and for making Dec’s new-found happiness _filthy_  and  _polluted_  and… Dec feels like, it’s just simply not  _right_ any more. None of it is right.

He looks Ant in the eye, sad blue-green meeting hopeful hazel.

'That's just the thing, Ant. I don't think, I can,' he says quietly, then turns to leave the room and kill that spider in the bathroom.


	14. Chapter 14

Ant dresses up silently. He pays absolutely no attention to what he’s doing, whatsoever and it takes him 5 minutes to realise that he’s trying to put his trousers on backwards. He’s angry. Although, he’s not sure, if he’s entitled to be angry. Admittedly, he did lie to Dec, and he knows, he shouldn’t have done that, no matter what the reason was. Their friendship works because they trust each other unconditionally and now he ruined that, so yeah, Ant understands why Dec can’t forgive him, but still – he’s angry. After all, Dec lied to him too, about why they broke up with Clare! He lied for 10 years!

He slowly walks down the stairs and takes a deep breath before entering the kitchen, where Dec is sitting rigidly at the table, silently drinking his tea. There is an awkward moment when they are just staring each other, not saying anything. Then Dec looks away; disappointment in his eyes.

'There's some toast left, if you want it,' he says coolly.

'Thanks.'

Ant casts one more lingering look at the obviously upset Dec, then turns away with a sigh, to make some coffee for himself.  
  
The whole  _awkward breakfast scene after a fight with a sulking Dec_  thing reminds Ant of a very similar morning that he hadn’t thought about for years. It was one of their rare fights, from the first London years, when they were sharing a flat. Living together worked very well at the beginning; they were free and young and foolish and most importantly they didn’t have to pretend.

Their sexual relationship wasn’t an every-day thing, but when they did sleep together it was very difficult to hide their affection for each other, and even more difficult to find a proper place to have these encounters. Having sex in an actual bed was not something that they were able to manage very often – there would have been way too many questions.

So when they moved in together into their small London apartment, it seemed like Christmas came early. They were in a big city, they were a pop sensation and they could do whatever they wanted to. Of course, as the magic of their new, almost unlimited freedom started to wear off, problems arose too. They had come a long way since that first time in Dec’s car, on the Quayside – both in terms of their career and their relationship. However, defining what exactly it all meant and where they were heading with it would have been quite challenging.

They both enjoyed the sex and cuddling up in front of the telly together, but to call this a proper affair or relationship of any kind, would have been far-fetched at that point. Ant was dating Lisa, Dec was still together with Clare and Ant had never even once considered the idea of coming out or publicly starting to date Dec.

Still, Ant felt really conflicted. On one hand, he was really happy with Lisa – she was the girl, he’s always dreamt of -, but on the other hand their heated nights with Declan were not something he ever wanted to give up.

This thing between them with Dec was never meant to be more than sex and a couple of tender words when no one was listening – although it was quite hard to distinguish between their friendship and relationship. They did what they did in their own privacy, it was none of anyone’s business anyway, and Ant was fine with that, because he didn’t see how it could work otherwise.

When thinking about it – which didn’t happen very often, for he avoided the topic whenever he could – he always got to the same conclusion; everything was best to stay as it was. So, things weren’t easy, but there was so much to do, so many new things to try, that their complicated love-life situation (although Ant didn’t consider it love back then) was swept under the rug, forever waiting to be sorted out.

But then there was that one morning when it all collapsed. Well, almost collapsed. They were in bed together with Dec, naked and sweaty, both complete messes, battling with hangover after a pretty eventful night out. Ant sort of had an idea of how late it was, but he couldn’t care less. He had a terrible headache and Declan felt soft, warm and comfy against his back, so getting up was out of question.

He was just about to doze off again, when he heard the front door click. He sat up straight – ignoring the pain shooting through his head – and froze completely as he’d come to realise that  _this was it_. He had no idea who came in, but it didn’t really matter – it was going to definitely end in tearful break-ups, horrible fights and the ruining of their pop career regardless of who it was.

So there he was, sitting there, desperately trying to think of a solution, while Declan was still sleeping soundly next to him, absolutely unaware of the fact that their whole life was going to come crashing down in the matter of seconds.

Ant started panicking and he tried to gather and put on as many clothes he could find and just managed to fall very ungracefully onto the ground as Lisa walked in.

_Lisa. Oh shit._

'Hey, pumpkin, the front door was open,' she said with an amused smile. Then she looked around the room with an expression of mild surprise on her face, 'What's Decky doing in your bed? And is he… naked?'

Ant swallowed. He was a good actor, but it was early and he was hungover. It was worth a shot though.

'Drank too much and er, I put him into bed last night,' he said, his voice hoarse and shaky. 'Wrong bed?' he asked quizzically, desperately hoping, Lisa would buy it.

'What happened to his clothes though?' Lisa asked.  
  
'That was all him – had nothing to do with it,' Ant said, and he never tried this hard to be funny in his life.  
  
And then the impossible happened. Lisa started to laugh. It was the sweetest laugh, Ant ever heard.  _Oh, thank god!_  
  
'Ooh, poor Anth – did you sleep on the floor?' she said, looking at him benignly.  
  
Ant was still in shock. He could only nod.

'Well, get yourself together, it's like 1 in the afternoon,' she said, still smiling, and she picked up a couple of empty beer bottles from the floor, then opened the window to let some air in, 'You two live like pigs, seriously…' she muttered, lovingly. 'Anyway, I just dropped by to get my pink cardigan. I think, I left it here on Thursday.'  
  
Ant didn’t say anything. He was still processing the whole almost-getting-caught thing.  
  
Lisa turned around, looking worried, ‘Is everything alright, Anth?’  
  
Ant cleared his throat awkwardly, ‘Yeah, I just have a headache like.’  
  
'Not very surprising, love,' said Lisa, laughing again, 'Doolittle wasn't the only one - you drank  _quite a lot_  last night too! I’ll just get my stuff then. Bye.’ Then she turned around with another small laugh and closed the door behind her.  
  
Ant let out a sigh of relief. He couldn’t believe what had just happened. He looked at the still peacefully sleeping Dec, listened to his uneven breathing for a while, then… started frowning as he realised something.  
  
He didn’t dare move till he heard the front door close behind Lisa. Then he stood up energetically, just to sit down to the bed devastated again.  
  
'Oh fuck,' he uttered, noticing that his hands were shaking. This whole thing between him and Dec had just become very very real. Even though, they didn't get caught, it seemed as though, they got exposed.  
  
He looked at Dec, who still hadn’t moved.  
  
'I know, you're awake, Dec,' he said to him, voice trembling.  
  
Dec opened his eyes right away and Ant was surprised to see mischief in them.  
  
'That was bloody close,' he said cheerfully, without a concern in the world, as he sat up.  
  
Ant looked at him nonplussed. ‘Are you thick or something?’  
  
'Oh, come on Ant, it was quite funny, that – just imagine what she would have said, if she _did_  catch us!’  
  
Ant didn’t believe his ears. He stood up suddenly, driven by emotion, which turned out to be a very bad idea – it made him really dizzy, ‘She’s me girlfriend, Dec and I love her!’ he shouted, ‘I wanna marry her and I wanna have kids with her! Do youse not understand that?!’  
  
Dec looked at him dumbly. ‘Calm down, Ant, okay? Nothing happened like…’  
  
'What d'you mean, nothing happened?! WE ALMOST GOT CAUGHT!'  
  
'You don't have to shout, Ant.'  
  
'Then don't fucking laugh!'  
  
'I laughed 'cos it was funny. When something's funny, people usually laugh, you know.'  
  
'But it wasn't funny, Dec! Can you imagine what would happen to me and Lisa? And to our career?'

There was a pause and Dec didn’t seem cheerful and carefree any more. He looked real upset now. ‘So, that’s all that matters to you, eh? Lisa and our career!’ he said, with suppressed emotion.  
  
Ant had no idea what Dec was talking about. They almost got caught by his girlfriend! Why wasn’t Dec bothered about that? ‘I’m trying to be responsible here, Dec – can youse _please_  start acting like an adult?’  
  
'Oh,  _very_  responsible!’ Dec said to him mockingly, trembling with anger, ‘Fucking me in our  _top secret apartment_ that _no one knows about_  and then  _leaving the door open_?! Maybe  _you’re_  the one who should grow up, Ant. Life’s not all about lasses and stupid music videos and being pop stars or whatever!’  
  
What the hell was Dec on about? It didn’t matter – it made Ant angry just the same. ‘Oh because you’re such an expert on what life’s about, Dec!’  
  
'At least I'm not a heartless, blind bastard, like youse are, who doesn't notice nowt, even what's right in front of your eyes.'

'What?' Ant honestly had no idea what Dec was talking about. He simply just couldn't understand why Dec wasn't worried, or at least a little bit upset about Lisa almost finding them out, 'What are you on about?' he asked, genuinely not understanding a word of what Dec was saying.

Dec looked at him silently for a couple of painful seconds, then he suddenly turned away and started to dress. ‘It doesn’t matter, Ant. You’re right. I’m sorry,’ he stated quickly, careful not to face Ant.

Looking back on the whole thing, Ant can’t believe he was so stupid that he didn’t get what Dec was talking about. He was so worried about Lisa and getting caught that he completely forgot to consider Dec’s feelings. He was sleeping with him, he was in love with him (although he would have never admitted that at the time), but the only thing he cared about was their stupid career and what other people would say.

Dec must have been a lot more conscious about his feelings for him than he was about his feelings for Dec. For Ant even until a couple of days ago it seemed impossible that they will actually ever be a real couple, but… Could it be that that was what Dec wanted even back then?

Suddenly an uncomfortable thought slips into Ant’s mind.  _Maybe_ , just  _maybe_ , Dec was awake even  _before_  Lisa arrived. Maybe he  _pretended_  to be asleep, because he  _wanted_ her to catch them, because he wanted  _everyone_  to know… Ant quickly shakes his head and tries to ignore these thoughts. Dec would never do anything like that to him. He stirs his coffee and sits down to the table, next to Dec.

It is actually quite alarming how similar this morning is to that one. He remembers the way they sat at their breakfast table, after Lisa almost found them out. Ant still didn’t understand  _anything_  and Dec was sulking. He acted coolly towards him, but pretended that everything was fine. Just like now. They, of course made up eventually, never talked about it again and Ant managed to forget the whole scene surprisingly quickly. He’s not sure, that’s going to be the case now.

They don’t say much as they finish eating, and Ant suddenly remembers that his plan this morning was to bring breakfast to bed for Dec. It’s painful to even think about how okay everything was until a couple of hours ago, so he just takes a deep breath and starts getting ready to leave for work.

As the front door closes behind them, Ant can’t help, but quietly remark that the amount of paparazzi in front of the house now is just simply ridiculous. Thankfully, their minders are already waiting for them to help them get through the crowd. They manage to get into the car without any injuries, but it leaves them quite shaken.

'At least, they are still interested in us,' Dec notes cheerfully, momentarily suspending his sulky behaviour towards Ant, in light of the extraordinary situation. They got quite big crowds of fans back in the pop days, but never this many paparazzi.

'They are not interested in us, pet, they only care about our sex-life,' Ant answers, grinning.

'Thank god then, you didn't forget to close the door this time,' Dec replies cheekily, referring to the incident when Lisa almost caught them. The very scene Ant was just thinking about.

Ant looks at him quite dumbly for a moment, actually considering that Dec can read his mind. Then he gets to the conclusion that, frankly, there’s nothing surprising about it. They always think about the same things anyway. It’s still  _them_ , after all.

Despite all the joking, the mood between them becomes cool soon again and they spend the rest of the car-ride in tense silence.

They get out without saying a word to each other too, and Ant just hates this so much – he knows, he’s not going to be able to concentrate at rehearsal today.

However, as they start going through the show again with the producers and writers, Ant realises that Dec’s sulking will be his least annoying problem today. It’s as if the whole studio was only thinking and talking about them – everyone becomes suspiciously quiet every time one of them enters the room and they all start eyeing them curiously, any chance they get.

'The interview! How the fuck did we forget that the Sun interview is coming out today?' Dec curses frustratedly, as they go on a break and finally manage to get away from all the staring and whispering that's been following them around all day.

It seems like, the situation makes Dec forget about the fact that he still hasn’t forgiven Ant, and he acts completely normal towards him. Ant, however is sure, that this is only temporary and suspects, Dec’s going to continue his silent treatment as soon as they get home. Therefore he stubbornly ignores Dec’s attempts at exchanging annoyed looks every time they overhear someone talk about their affair and he gets only grumpier as the day advances.

'So they've been shagging for like what, 20 years?'

'The interview says, it started when they were teenagers.'

As he hears the two crew members from the control room team, Shelley and Victor talking, Ant stops abruptly. He left his jumper in the studio earlier that morning and he was just coming back for it, but, to be honest, it doesn’t seem that important any more.  _Great timing, Anthony_ , he thinks, rolling his eyes at himself.

'You know, it's weird, cos there were all the rumours that they're gay, but I wouldn't have thought they were actually- You know what I mean?'

'Yeah, yeah, they don't look the type. Ant's even married!'

'Oh, yes, poor Lisa. I dunno what I'd do if my husband cheated on me with another man…'

Ant considers walking away, but he doesn’t find enough strength in himself to do that.

'If you think about it, Ant actually cheated on  _Dec with Lisa_ , right? I mean, they got together long before he got married to her…’

That’s the point when Ant just can’t bear it any more and he walks in very slowly and incredibly casually.

'Oh, hi,' he says nonchalantly, in a voice that clearly suggests, he heard everything.

'Hi, Ant,' Shelley says in a very high-pitched, embarrassed voice, while Victor is just standing there awkwardly.

The way they’re staring at him apologetically lessens Ant’s anger and now he’s determined to just get his jumper as quickly as possible and leave. He’s sure that he left it on one of the seats in the first row, but it’s not there and now he looks around, puzzled.

'Hey, have you seen-?' he turns to the two crew members, but Shelley quickly interrupts him, before he could finish the question.

'Dec's in the green room,' she says, with an overly-helpful smile, misunderstanding his question.

Ant looks at her slowly, his anger once again, taking control over his actions.

'Is he now?' he asks with a threatening undertone, ' _So_?’

'Thought, you wanted to know,' Shelley says in a small voice.

'Well, I didn't,' Ant shakes his head, 'I'm looking for my jumper and honestly, don't give a shit about where Dec is.'

Shelley’s eyes grow wide with surprise, ‘Oh, sorry, I just thought-‘

'Oh, because I always have to be wherever Dec is, right?' Ant says, sarcastically, but actually he's on the verge of crying, 'Because I can't go to places alone, right? I always  _have to_ -‘

'She didn't mean it like that, Ant,' Victor remarks quietly and that shuts Ant up. What is he doing getting into ridiculous fights with these people, anyway?

He murmurs a half-hearted apology and is just about to leave and look for his jumper somewhere else, when he feels someone touching his shoulder lightly from behind. Ant knows, it’s Dec, he can  _feel_  it – there is the all-familiar excitement in his stomach and his heart is beating like crazy.  _Ridiculous_ , he thinks angrily, before turning around.

'What?' Ant asks grumpily.

Dec is smiling brightly at Shelley and Victor and he’s… he’s wearing Ant’s jumper. So, that is why it wasn’t where he left it. Ant thinks, he’s going to have a nervous breakdown at any moment.

'Wanna eat?' Dec asks him cheerfully.

'I'm not hungry.'

'Wanna  _watch me_  eat then?’

Ant can’t help, but smile at that and he follows Dec silently.

                                                  

 

They don’t make the mistake of having lunch in the crowded cafeteria today and decide to sit in the privacy of Dec’s changing room.

'Can we at least talk about it, Dec?' Ant tries, as he sits down onto one of the sofas.

Dec looks up from his Chinese. ‘I don’t think, talking about it would solve anything,’ he says very casually.

'Okay. So how do I solve it?' Ant asks stupidly, coming to the point, where he's willing to do anything, just to make Dec happy again.

Dec looks up, laughing. ‘How do you  _solve it_? For god’s sake, Ant, you’re the one who should be good at relationships and all that shit. You can’t just  _solve it_.’

Ant looks at him, dumbstruck, as the realisation hits him. ‘Are you breaking up with me?’ he stutters quietly.

The impatient expression on Dec’s face tells him that he got to the wrong conclusion.

'Seriously, Ant. What the fuck is wrong with you?' Dec asks him, nonchalantly, while starting to cut his sweet and sour chicken, 'My whole problem is that you don't think I love you enough and now you accuse me of breaking up with you? You really are terrible at this.'

'I thought your problem was that I lied,' Ant says slowly.

'Well, that too,' Dec nods. 'You  _really_  fucked it up this time, pet,’ he adds cheekily, but Ant is not in the mood for joking around.

'You lied too, Dec. About Clare.'

'Yeah, but it wouldn't have made any difference if I told you! I didn't want you to feel bad about it. Nevertheless I'm sorry. I still think, it was the right decision though. I just shouldn't have brought it up.'

Is Dec implying that it’s completely normal to keep secrets from each other? And why would be  _his_  lie justified, but Ant’s not?

'You see, Dec, I did the exact same thing! I lied to  _protect you_. I wanted to give you time and space to think about it, before getting into something that you don’t actually want.’

Why can’t Dec understand it? He only tried to make it easier for him! By not telling him that he broke up with Lisa, he gave him an opportunity to leave, if he wanted to – clearly, Dec doesn’t see it this way though.

'Yes, but that's where you're wrong, Ant. You assumed that I'm so  _weak_  that I wouldn’t be able to say no to you, if you left your wife for me,’ Dec says, a hurt expression on his face.

'I  _did_  leave my wife for you and I didn’t assume, you were too weak to say no to me, I assumed that you were too  _good_ to be able to  _hurt_  me with a no. But I was clearly wrong,’ Ant adds coldly.

His sentence is followed by a long silence. Dec obviously didn’t think it through from this perspective before and now he seems a bit taken aback by the new angle.

'You're making this out to be something that it's not,' he finally says, and it's such a lame try that Ant almost finds it funny.

'Of course you would say that,' Ant says, with a disregarding undertone.

Dec makes an impatient motion with his hand, ‘You know what? Can we not fight about it? We’ll get through it, as we always do,’ he says, reassuringly and there’s so much warmness in his eyes, ‘But I think we both need some time.’

Ant shakes his head, ‘That’s what I fucking said the other night. To which you replied “ _I don’t need time._ ”’

'Well, I need time  _now_. You see, I said that  _before_  I knew you were lying to me.’

Thankfully, before they can get into it again, there is a knock on the door and they have to get back to work. Ant doesn’t know what to think about all this fighting. They are Ant and Dec. They don’t have disagreements, they don’t have misunderstandings. And they most certainly don’t fight. It’s not just weird, but very worrying too, Ant thinks. He lets out a deep sigh and runs a hand through his hair, as they walk down the corridor, following Victor and some other crew members to the studio.

There is an unusually deep silence between him and Dec and Ant is desperate to break it. He can’t continue their conversation – not when everyone around them is hungry for gossip – so he goes for the obvious.

'My jumper,' he says, a bit coolly.

'Hmm?'

'You're wearing my jumper, Decky.'

Dec looks up at him with his most beautiful, innocent smile, ‘Oh, aye, sorry – it was a bit cold,’ he says and it’s obvious, he doesn’t intend to give it back any time soon.

Ant just smiles and shakes his head at him. It really is unnatural how insanely quickly they manage to find their way back to each other again, after every fight they have. It’s like, they are always there to comfort each other, even when they need comforting  _because_ of each other.

'What about Georgie?' Ant asks suddenly, before he could change his mind, as they turn the corner.

Dec looks at him for a moment, as if considering something. ‘You’re asking me, if it was because of you that we broke up with Georgie…?’ he asks dubiously, but there is a certain cheekiness hiding in his voice.

Ant nods, ‘Aye. You said, I ruined your  _relationships_. Plural.’

Dec only answers him, when they are already in the studio, script in one hand, microphone in the other.

'Wouldn't you like to know, Anthony,' he says with a disgustingly mysterious smile and winks at him.

Ant feels like he could kill him. Or kiss him. Maybe both.  _Oh, fuck._


	15. Chapter 15

It feels like, all the cheerful flirting in the studio today never even happened. Ant tries to bring up the whole Clare thing again in the car, but it’s only a half-hearted attempt and after Dec’s frustrated ‘Ant, I’m not blaming you, Clare and I broke up like a hundred years ago, can you just drop it like?’ he doesn’t say anything else. They are back at Dec’s house and the air is, once again, tense between them. It might be just because of the crowd of paparazzi outside, but it never occurs to either of them that they should not be in the same house. They might not be talking to each other at the moment, but they always stick together – no matter what. (Dec remotely wonders what the paparazzi might think about the two of them always being in the same house, but then he just chooses not to care.)

Dec decides to go through his Takeaway lines, as, with the silence between them, he has no idea what else to do. He is certain, Ant’s trying to repay him for the cheap, flirty and very annoying remarks, he was making at rehearsal, when he sits down and gets his script out too. Dec knows, he’s never going to be able to concentrate like that, not with Ant sitting right across the table, in sulky silence.

But just when they would finally get into the rhythm of taking terms in sneaking looks, then looking away and pretending not to notice when the other does it, Ant’s phone starts ringing. Dec cringes. His own phone has been on silent ever since Sunday –, he’s terrified of all the friends’ and family members’ calls. Ant’s phone has been kind of an omen in the last couple of days anyway – first it was Lisa, reminding them to attend their usual, but this time incredibly awkward Sunday dinner party, then yesterday it was Dec’s mam, and that conversation, frankly, left Dec a bit shaken.  
  
Dec throws Ant a worried look, who hesitantly looks at the caller ID, frowns, then looks up at him.  
  
'It's Ginger,' Ant informs Dec, who sends him a supportive look and lets out a more or less relieved sigh. Ginger's one of Ant's closest friends back from Newcastle, and Dec is almost positive, he's going to be okay with everything.  
  
Dec envies Ant for having close friends and being able to keep in touch with people from the old days. Sure, he, himself still has some friends from back home, but it’s hard enough to keep up with all his siblings and their families… And just as he was never able to maintain any healthy romantic relationships for very long, he never had serious friendships either. To be honest, Ant just preoccupies all his time, thoughts and energy to be able to care about other people as well, and frankly, he’s okay with that most of the time. Sure, there have been some exceptions, like Clare, but look how that ended! It only worked well with Ali, because she knew them and knew their crazy schedule and had an idea of their crazy tangled _thing_ and she was not expecting him to spend every waking minute with her.  
  
So as Ant steps out to the garden to talk to Ginger, Dec is not surprised to feel lonelier than he has in a long time. He lies down to the living room sofa, gets his laptop on his lap and starts going through twitter. He feels depressed and most of the tweets don’t really help either.  
  
The fan reaction ranges from ‘I watched you as a child on Saturday mornings – I’m so disgusted and never want to see you again, you filthy faggots’ to ‘You’re the cutest couple ever – wish you lots of happiness!’ Dec is quite shocked by the rudeness of the negative messages, but finds it absolutely incredible that so many fans support them. What astonishes him though to no end, is that no one seems surprised. Not even a little. They are all acting like this was bound to happen at some point, (and what’s with Ali’s accepting and quiet glares that channel inevitableness, like this was all fate or some shit?!) and Dec doesn’t really get it. Could it have been this obvious? He had always thought that the chemistry between Ant and him was a friendship thing, not a relationship thing. The perhaps inappropriate on and off-screen touching and the finishing each other’s sentences – and sometimes thoughts – seemed to come from their unbreakable friendship, and Dec was certain, it wasn’t because of the sexual tension between them.

What also bothers him is how everyone seems to think, they are gay. Dec honestly has never looked at another man in his life and he wants to tell them – no, scream at them – that it’s only Ant, and it’s always been only Ant. He finds the idea of him being into other guys, well, very weird. He would be quite okay with being gay, he thinks – although it would definitely require some getting used to -, but to be honest, he’s never even considered that he might be gay. He always felt, and actually still does, very secure about his heterosexuality, despite of his campness (and being in love with his male best friend). He knows, Ant is a little bit more to the middle of the Kinsey scale about it, and he thinks, he can even remotely recall a very drunk conversation in which Ant asked him, whether he ever thought about other guys  _like that_  and they were sort of half-delighted and half-surprised to discover that they are not exactly identical, at least not in terms of sexuality. Dec is quite certain though that Ant never actually acted upon it, which makes him very very happy. He’s okay with other girls, he has always been, but he would definitely freak out if Ant ever dated a guy. He can get quite protective when it comes to Ant.

While Ant is outside, still talking to Ginger – Dec hears laughter at some point, so he knows, it’s  _okay_  – he replies to a couple of the nice tweets, thanking the support, then gets cheeky with the nasty ones. Then he lets in the guys from the office whom Ali asked to walk their dogs and very consciously ignores their inquiring, gossip-hungry looks. As the sky starts to darken, he goes through his script one more time, scribbling down some joke ideas on the margin, and it’s only then that he dares to look at his phone that’s been vibrating non-stop since half-an-hour ago. Dec knows, it’s Camalia, mainly because she’s the only one who could be stubborn enough to ring him consistently for thirty minutes, but knowing who it is doesn’t make it any easier.

He decides to text her – he’s way too scared to call her back -, but she calls again instead of replying, and shit, now he really does have to answer.

'Hey,' he says faintly, after pressing the green button.

'You bastard,' he hears her say, 'I've been calling you all day, you idiot!' There is a certain fondness in her tone that just makes everything so so so much easier.

'I'm sorry,' he says in a way so she knows this apology applies to everything, and it's not just for not picking up the phone.

'It's okay,' she says and Dec wonders if it's always been this easy with Camalia, because he honestly can't remember. 'Mam's freaking out though,' she adds casually, 'Did you tell her something about Dad?'

Dec takes a deep breath, ‘Maybe…?’

'Oh, Declan! Declan, Declan, little Declan! You're such an idiot.'

And just like that, Dec laughs. It’s not at all forced and it’s very refreshing to be able to appreciate someone else other than Ant.

'Growing up, have you ever thought, I was gay?' he asks bravely.

‘ _Are_ you gay though?’ she asks back and Dec wants to hug her and never let go.

'I love you, Cam,' he says quietly, and he's never meant it more.

'You're not, it's just  _him_ , right?’ she asks, not expecting an answer, ‘Figured that much. How’s he doing, anyway?’

Dec thinks about it for a minute. Yeah, how _is_  Ant? He’s been so busy with feeling sorry for himself and being angry with Ant that he actually has no idea. This realisation scares him to death and he hesitates before saying,

'I'm not sure. Do you think, Mam will come around?' he tries to change the topic.

'Not for a while, Dec, I don't think… but wait- What do you mean, you're not sure? What's wrong?' she genuinely sounds concerned.

'I- I don't know,' he says, and it's maybe just because Camalia and him are the two youngest and despite of the 5 years between them, this means they stick together, or maybe it's just because she noticed that something was wrong about him not knowing how Ant was, it doesn't really matter why, it just comes out easily and naturally and it sounds so helpless, 'We're fighting all the time, Cam,' he takes a deep breath and continues, now that he's started talking about it, 'And he's keeping things from me and I'm keeping things from him and I really want to think, we're going to survive this one too, like, but it's never been this bad and I don't know why it's like this and I just… Maybe I'm just- I'm  _creating_  all this shit, because I’m afraid to commit to him in a way that-‘

Dec suddenly stops talking, because Ant enters the room. His heart is in his throat. Has Ant heard anything? Shit.

Ant looks at him weird for a split second then mouths a ‘Sorry,’ and goes to the kitchen.

'Did he just walk in?' Camalia asks from the other end of the line, when Dec doesn't say anything for about a minute.

'Yeah,' Dec breathes, 'So, anyway-'

'I'll call you back later and then we can talk,' she says, her voice sounding reassuring. 'And Dec? I'm  _sure_ , you’re gonna survive this one too.’

Dec has no idea what to say to that, so he just swallows loudly.

'And I'll try to get the others off your back, okay?' Camalia offers and Dec is very grateful for that, because having six siblings calling you all day to ask about your secret gay affair with your best friend can be very frustrating. 'You should really talk to Martin, though,' she adds seriously, 'He's not taking it very well and I think, Mam kind of convinced him that it's all Ant's fault and he's like totally thinking about, you know, beating him up or some rubbish.'

'He's  _what?!_ ’

'I'm not saying, he's actually doing anything, he's just  _thinking_  about it. And an explanation coming from you would mean a lot, so just call him, okay?’

Dec nods and swallows again.

'That's gonna be a delightful conversation,' he says, rolling his eyes. Cam laughs on the other end.

'You're gonna be fine, little brother,' then in a voice of an older and wiser sister, she says, 'Just always  _think_  first, Declan, okay? You tend to get reckless and unbelievably idiotic when you panic.’

'Okay,' Dec promises.

'And one more thing;  _don’t let him go_.’

Dec laughs, because it just sounds so stupidly impossible. ‘You know that I would never.’

By the time he finishes the phone call Ant’s gone home to get some clothes, according to the note he left on the kitchen table. Dec wonders when exactly they decided, they are going to live in Dec’s house from now on, although he doesn’t mind much. If Ant feels more comfortable here, than at his own place, then that’s okay with Dec. What he’s really not okay with is the fact that now that he’s alone in the house he has loads of time to think. About things. Shit.

He regrets telling Ant about the whole Clare thing more than anything, even though, he’s glad that the secret is finally out. Well, it’s never been a real secret anyway, it’s just… He didn’t see the point in telling Ant about why they broke up. He knew it would only upset him and it’s not like they talked about their affair and feelings all that often anyway. Talking about it, telling Ant that Clare didn’t like the way they were too close, would have definitely made it all very real and Dec is not stupid, he knows, that  _real_ usually freaks Ant out. At least when it comes to their relationship.

The way Ant acted after the whole ‘Lisa almost found them naked in bed’ incident showed quite obviously how Ant felt about things getting real, so Dec didn’t push it from then on. He personally would have loved to talk about things, but he knew better than to force Ant into a conversation he didn’t want to have. It’s not like Dec was totally ready and eagerly waiting to move onto the publicly exclusive boyfriends level, either. He didn’t as much think about it, it was rather just a half-thought here and there. Things like, ‘Oh, it would be nice to hold Ant’s hand during dinner’ and ‘I really want to give him a kiss right now, because he looks miserable, but there are people around’. So, even though it was a lot more conscious on his part than on Ant’s, it still wasn’t like he knew what he wanted exactly. The only thing he was sure about was that he wasn’t satisfied with the way things were.

Sometimes he wonders whether the Lisa almost finding them out thing was more or less intentional on his part. To be entirely honest, he doesn’t remember. He definitely didn’t plan it or anything – he was way too hangover to do that -, but maybe under the drunken haze of too many beers and way too good sex with Ant, there was something, well, not very accidental about it. What he does remember is that he heard the front door click and he didn’t do anything. He didn’t move, he didn’t open his eyes, he just let things happen. He also remembers hearing and feeling Ant starting to panic next to him, and he still didn’t do anything. What he doesn’t remember – and unfortunately this is the crucial part – is whether he was just tired or stupid or lazy or whatever or whether he actually wanted Lisa to catch them naked in bed. Dec has to admit, things would be a lot easier at the moment, relationship-wise, if they had gotten caught by Lisa that morning. Although the career side of things would probably include a heavier level of alcoholism and pubs full of people not laughing at their jokes in the tiniest corners of northern Wales.

So what they did, was not talk about it. Dec kind of ignored his thoughts on wanting a real relationship with Ant, and god knows what Ant did or thought, if anything at all. But they were okay like that. They carried on with their lives, with Lisa and Clare and yeah, okay, they had loads of sex and tried not feeling guilty about – which was actually quite easy, considering how  _right_  it felt -, but mostly it was just them and their friendship and normality. It never got _real_. Not the way Dec wanted it to. And he didn’t really want it on a conscious level either, so it was just super complicated. Except when they were together, because then it felt super simple. They belonged together and nothing else mattered.

Dec sighs and toys with the idea of getting incredibly drunk. But he feels tired and kind of anxious about Ant not being there (seriously though, how long does it take to walk three houses, get some clothes, then walk back three houses?), so instead, he just aimlessly wanders around the rooms, not really knowing what to do. Rocky follows him around for a while, cheerfully, but gets bored after Dec heads upstairs for the third time. Dec has this uncomfortable, horrible feeling that something is wrong. And something  _is_  wrong, and he didn’t even realise how wrong, until he was talking to Camalia, but he  _is_  afraid of committing to Ant. He’s actually afraid of any kind of commitments, and he’s always been. Except when it came to Ant, because that was always easy. And it’s confusing because that means that it should be easy now, because it’s Ant, but it’s not easy at all and Dec feels like, his head’s going to explode.

He walks into the upstairs bathroom, clicks on the light, stares into the mirror for a while, then suddenly remembers this joke that he wanted to tell Ant, something silly and stupid, something that he knows will make him laugh. He turns back, opening his mouth, then he realises, Ant’s not there. He reaches for his phone in his back pocket, when he suddenly stops himself. He can’t just text him.  _They are not talking._

It feels like, he can’t breathe and he instinctively draws his hand to his throat. He feels dizzy and disorientated, there is this painful emptiness in his stomach and he feels like he’s falling, falling, falling into abyss, like in a dream. As he carefully sits down onto the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, trying to even out his breathing, he thinks about how ridiculous this is. He’s having an anxiety attack, because they are fighting with Ant? Seriously? But no matter how unreasonable it is, it feels very very real, and it takes him five minutes to calm down enough so that he’s sure, he’s not going to faint. What helps is when he imagines Ant coming in, a little bit surprised, but very worried, gently saying his name, helping him up. His warm hands support him by the waist, and when Ant quietly asks, what happened, he faintly answers, ‘I was thinking about losing you.'

Ant, of course, is not actually there and Dec eventually has to get up by himself. He’s careful with every movement, he feels weak. He washes his face, and pointedly avoids looking into the mirror again.

When ten minutes later he rings Ant’s doorbell, he’s still a little bit pale, but he hopes that the heavy rain and the darkness makes it impossible for the paparazzi to get a good picture of him. He soon forgets about the paparazzi though, because it’s not Ant, but Lisa who opens the door. Dec very seriously regrets his earlier decision not to get drunk, because honestly, he could use some alcohol clouding his mind at the moment.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly tried to make Lisa mean and horrible, but I just couldn't (sorry for failing as a writer...). Anyway, this is for abieeox on tumblr for being my cheerleader and always demanding updates. :)

Lisa is folding her purple cardigan into her bag when she hears the front door open. Her heart jumps up in her throat and she can’t decide if it’s fear or anger. Probably both.

She needed to pick up some clothes. And yeah, okay, she wanted… actually  _needed_ to talk to Ant. Talk to him properly, ask questions, discuss actual things. When he told her about  _the affair_  on Monday… she cried and she shouted and she was out of her mind, so of course, they didn’t actually  _talk_. And after everything, he definitely owes her at least that much.

Because obviously what she hopes and wants is an ‘ _I was wrong, I’m sorry, I want to be with you_ ’, but she knows, she won’t get that so what she  _actually_  wants is to understand. Not the cheating, not the being in love with Dec – she’s spent enough time living with their tangled, unhealthy, clingy, all inside-jokes and sentence-finishing relationship. No, she wants to understand what went through Ant’s mind when he realised that Lisa and him were serious, but decided not to end his affair with Dec.

'Lisa? Is that you, pet?' she hears Ant's voice from downstairs. He must have noticed that the lights were on.

She walks down the steps slowly, only stopping when she sees the very wet and exhausted Ant, awkwardly standing in the living room door. Definitely no shouting then – there’s no way she can shout at him when he looks this miserable.

They stare each other awkwardly for a minute, and in the end it’s Ant who finally breaks the silence, ‘Hi.’

Lisa considers explaining that she’s only picking up some clothes, but then she decides against it. This is her house too, she lives here too. She doesn’t have to explain.

'Hey,' she says and watches Ant silently remove his soaked coat.

She moves to the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea. She doesn’t ask Ant if he wants one - nowadays she lives for these little revengeful victories. Then with her favourite mug in hand (that’s at least a tiny bit comforting), she walks into the living room, where Ant is sitting rigidly on the sofa. Her heart clenches. He does look sleep-deprived and very very exhausted and Lisa’s instincts (and 20 years of being together) instantly kick in and she sits down next to him, puts a comforting hand on Ant’s thigh.

Ant looks up at her, and it’s so scary, how it’s only been a couple of days, but it feels like they are already years apart.

'I'm sorry,' Ant says and he actually seems to mean it, which makes it just so much worse.

'You said that before,' Lisa says coolly and removes her hand.

Ant looks down, embarrassed. ‘I know.’

There is a short pause.

'It's horrible, you know, the way people look at me at work,' Lisa says sort of casually, because it's still Ant and they always tell each other things and she has to tell _someone_. ‘They treat me like I’m the victim… They all feel sorry for me. It’s all,  _Poor Lisa!_  But at the same time, they don’t understand it. While they are smiling pitifully they all think;  _How come she didn’t know about it? She should’ve realised that he was cheating!'_

'It's not the actual cheating,' Ant mumbles quietly, and Lisa's head shots up at that. Because he's right. It's not the actual cheating that hurts with that desperate stinging-burning pain in her chest.

'That's what no one understands,' she nods curtly, 'I don't care that you're having sex with him. That doesn't mean anything. But you're in love with him, Ant…!' she blurts out and she notes with some dissatisfaction that her tone is a bit hysterical, 'And you've been in love with him for a really long time,' she adds quietly.

'Aye. I have,' Ant says and Lisa admires that he's honest  _now_ at least.

'Still…You see, Ant, in my opinion, marriage means that even if you're in love with him, you don't sleep with him. Because you owe that much to your wife. You shouldn't have married me, if you weren't going to stop.'

Ant blurts out another choked ‘sorry’.

'Can you please stop saying that?' Lisa asks him, annoyed.

Ant looks at her, and this is the first time their eyes actually meet. Lisa is surprised how much love there is in the man’s hazel pair.  _He still loves me_ , she thinks sadly and oh, that just makes it so so so much harder. Ant nods again, but before that he mutters a last ‘sorry’. Lisa looks away. She thinks, she’s going to be sick.

'So what's gonna happen now?' she asks, and maybe this is why she actually wanted to talk to him. She just has to know what the next steps is, even if she's not a part of this whole thing any more.

She feels like she has the right not to learn about these things from the tabloid magazines. For example, she would really like to  _know_  first and only  _then_  read about things like ‘The Geordie TV-presenter duo are getting married!’ If it ever comes to that. Hopefully it won’t, because she absolutely hates crying at weddings; it always messes up her make-up (no matter how convincingly they promise that it’s all waterproof, there is a level of crying that no mascara can deal with), and she’s absolutely certain she would cry a river at the boys’ wedding. Heartache and a beautiful wedding is not a good combination, in terms of that.

'I- I don't know,' Ant says with a tired sigh and he noticeably relaxes a little – like always, when he talks about Dec. Dec is familiar territory for him, he can deal with that. Lisa can almost hear her heart breaking in two.

'Have you told him yet?' she asks, 'That you want to be with him?'

'Well, aye, but it's not that easy,' Ant says and Lisa cannot contain a sarcastic little laugh.

'If it's not simple that's because you're  _making_  it complicated. It’s you and him. That’s usually very simple.’

Ant obviously doesn’t know what to say to that, so he just nods.

'How's Ali?' Lisa asks suddenly.

Ant makes a grimace, ‘She’s keeping herself busy with work, so she doesn’t think about it, I guess. Unfortunately, working with us…’

'…makes her think about it,' Lisa finishes his sentence. 'It's very admirable of her to keep working with you though,' she adds with a raised eyebrow.

'Aye, I suppose.'

There is a pause there, and Lisa talks loudly into the uncomfortable silence, ‘I talked to Clare today.’

Ant looks up, ‘What?’

'She  _was_  right after all. You and Dec? It wasn’t… it isn’t normal. She realised it and got out.’

'You knew about it,' Ant says drily and it's obvious that he's not comfortable with the topic, but wants to know more, regardless.

'That they broke up because of you? Yeah, I knew. Clare and I are best friends, Ant.'

'I know, it's just… Dec didn't tell me,' Ant admits.

'Oh, and now you feel guilty for ruining their relationship,' Lisa realises, 'Well. Not many people can deal with how close Dec and you are.'

Ant seems confused for a second, then he tries to explain this to Lisa urgently, voice and hands shaking, ‘It’s not… it’s not because of the sex, or because I love him,’ Lisa notices how careful he is about not looking her in the eye, ‘It’s our friendship. We would be this close, even if I didn’t love him. Even if we weren’t having sex.’

Lisa nods, and what Ant says does actually make sense. She didn’t suspect anything for 20 years, and even Clare didn’t think they were shagging. And to be honest, she’s always known that this _thing_  between them, it’s just so much deeper than love, than affection, than sexual desire, than  _friendship_ …

'Would you have stopped sleeping with him if you and I had a baby?' she asks then and she puts all her energy into not crying. She cried for two whole days, and she's so sick of all the tears now, and also, all the salt is making a complete mess of her skin.

'I thought the actual cheating didn't matter,' Ant mumbles very uncharacteristically.

'It does matter. It's just not the worst part. But it's a moral thing too. I just want to know. Because obviously I don't know you as well as I thought I did, so now I'm just checking.'

Pain washes through Ant’s face. ‘I don’t know, Lise,’ he finally says and Lisa thinks, it’s too late to think about that now anyway. She just wanted a baby so badly! And Ant did too.

Lisa feels so powerless. She’s also very angry. How could he ruin everything?! How could he do that to her?! But then she realises that Ant didn’t just  _do_  that. He didn’t  _start_  lying, because their whole relationship was  _b_ _uilt_  on a lie. It was all lies and secrets from the very beginning. And sure, they were all young and stupid, but Ant could have at least  _tried_ falling out of love with Dec. For Lisa’s sake.

'I guess, I just wasn't worth it,' she mumbles to herself, but to be honest, she wants Ant to hear it, she wants him to know what he did to her.

Because she’s all alone now. She lost her husband, yes, but she lost her boys too. The betrayal of Dec probably doesn’t hurt as much as Ant’s, but it comes close second. Actually the way Ant betrayed her (and she still doesn’t understand why he started dating her in the first place, if him and Dec were shagging) seems more… normal. It’s weird that she thinks so, but in a way she’s always known that stuff can happen in relationships and marriages can end and it’s all pretty much… well, not expected, but  _n_ _ormal_. Dec’s betrayal on the other hand (she thought, they were friends, she thought, they were best fucking friends!) hurts very deep within. It’s not something that romantic dramas on the telly or your mother’s advice can prepare you for.

And she just loves Dec from the bottom of her heart. He was always there, not just for Ant, but for Lisa too and his loyalty didn’t know any boundaries (the whole affair thing puts this into perspective, but still). Dec and her became best friends surprisingly quickly – it took about 4 pints and one late-night karaoke session.

If she just thinks about all the times they laughed together, or had a heart-to-heart, she feels like, she’s going to be sick. Because all those times,  _every bloody moment_ , Dec was pretending. There is something awful about how she can only see Dec as the  _’_ _other woman_ _'_ now, the one who ruined her (apparently not that) perfect marriage.

The moment Ant told her that he didn’t want to be with her, Dec became the enemy, the one that she  _has to_ hate, because – and this is the stuff that really truly sucks – love just messes up everything and she must repress her love for Dec, because she would go absolutely crazy if she had to love  _and_  hate Dec at the same time, because how would that even work…?

So she goes for hate, and it’s pure and it’s black in her heart and she feels so guilty about it as the perfectly rounded tears flow down her face, while she’s listening to Ant’s pathetic rant about true love and apologies on that horrible Monday night.

She’s not going to cry  _now_  though; she promised to herself, she wouldn’t.

'Lisa,' Ant says firmly, 'You  _are_  worth it.’

Lisa wants to laugh, because seriously, just how absurd is this? Ant comforting her, when he’s the one who kept secrets, who lied for so many years, who ruined  _everything_ , who caused all this pain…

'Clearly not to you, though.'

'I just-' it's obvious Ant has no idea what to say to that, and frankly, Lisa understands that it's unexplainable. Ant was never really good with words when it came to Dec, and by the way, their relationship was always something…  _fucking_ _magical_ or whatever, therefore pretty much incomprehensible.

'It's just  _Dec_ , I know,’ Lisa says in a choked voice and she’s jealous and she’s angry, because that one sentence, that one  _'it's just Dec'_  seems to explain everything and she is so sick of all this.

And the more she thinks about it, the worse it gets. Because it was actually quite obvious. And somewhere deep down… maybe she knew about it, she just didn’t want to admit it to herself. Because there was a lot of touching, and affectionate complimenting each other and a sense of never disappearing codependency and at the beginning it amused her to no end that Ant was capable of talking about Dec for hours, and they never seemed to go anywhere without bringing the other along.

But… after a while, it all seemed pretty much normal. And she didn’t mind it at all, she actually thought, the way they always clang onto each other was quite cute. They were  _Ant and Dec_  and most of the time, that was how she justified everything weird they did. They had a special something, so it was all okay.

Of course, she had moments when it got too much. Dec would appear out of nowhere at the most impossible moments and Ant didn’t seem bothered by it at all. At these occasions – even when Dec interrupted something very intimate or personal – Lisa got ditched for him the moment he walked in the door. And it wasn’t easy to live with a constant feeling of being the second choice. But then Ant always made up for it with the nicest things, the sweetest kisses and the most brilliant surprises, and it was all okay again and Lisa could forget about all the moments she spent as the silent third one, awkwardly listening to conversations that didn’t make any kind of sense to her.

And she was actually surprisingly okay with all this, even with the part that meant that she was pretty much married to not just Ant, but Dec too. She was cooking for Dec too, she sometimes even did Dec’s laundry for fuck’s sake, but this was just simply how it worked for them.

Because, in a way they might actually be only one person and not two, and they are definitely pretty much a part of each other, they fit like puzzle pieces, completing each other. And of course, because of their  _oneness_ , the edges become blurry sometimes, and Ant and Dec become undistinguishable, and it’s actually just  _AntandDec_. Because Ant uses the same expressions as Dec, and Dec uses the same sentence structures as Ant, and they both make the same grammar mistakes and then it just gets to a point where most of the time you’re not even sure which one picked it up from the other.

They have the same habits, the same taste in clothes and food, pretty much the same taste in music as well. And she sees it every day, she notices the way they are basically _Meant To Be_  from all the million little things they do on a daily basis, for example, their apparently disgustingly funny jokes, that no one else, but only the two of them understand. Lisa thinks, her absolute favourite is, when they can order for each other in a restaurant, without actually discussing what the other wants. That’s a  _brilliant_ one. She wants to kill herself every single time when they do that, because there is no way,  _she_  could ever correctly guess what Ant wants to eat.

But despite of all these things, the next morning, that bloody Tuesday morning, there’s still hope in her that things might get better, that Ant might change his mind and try to salvage their marriage. But then she walks down the stairs to stand motionless in the dawning living room and watches Ant sleep, all uncomfortably curled up on the sofa, and she loses all hope, just like that.

It takes only one word, two syllables, not even something big or scary, it’s just ‘ _Declan_ ’; that’s what Ant mutters unknowingly in his sleep and he even smiles a little bit and it’s just like in a bad soap, Lisa thinks, except that this is actually her life.

So she cries a little more – just for the hell of it and also mainly because she doesn’t know what else to do – and then she calls in sick at work, so she can pack a suitcase right away and disappear, because there’s no way she’s staying in  _that_  house. It’s  _their_  home with Ant, and they chose there everything  _together_ , and she’s so sick of crying because of the colour of the wall paint and the pattern of the tiles in the downstairs bathroom. And of course who wants the constant proximity of the one and only Declan fucking Donnelly, just 3 houses away.  
  
So yeah, she just packs her things, because, really what was she hoping for, Ant had time to think about it, and she’s the one who’s known them for almost as long as they’ve known each other, there’s really no space for any hope there and she just leaves.

Only she can’t, because Ant starts drinking vodka from the bottle in the kitchen and then he starts crying (which is heartbreaking in itself, and of course, Ant’s crying for Dec, but then Lisa realises that Ant never cried for  _her_ ) and she just can’t leave him like that. Maybe it’s instinct, maybe it’s love or pity or god knows what, but she actually tries to comfort him and she even hugs him and (what the actual fuck…?) tells him not to screw it up with Dec. Which is just simply ridiculous, except… it’s not.

Because she knows that they belong together and because of this fucked up good heart of her, she still wants them to be happy (yes, even Dec) and it’s just sort of  _right_ , the two of them together, and she feels like she’s kind of helping fate to resolve something that it’d previously fucked up.

And that would be great, to leave it at that, only, she always comes back to thinking about herself and she realises that she has to start all over now. She has to find the man that she wants to spend the rest of her life with…  _again_. Only problem is, she’s already found that person, but that person is in love with someone else. No, that’s actually not true like that, because Ant loves Lisa  _too_ , it’s just that he loves Dec  _more_. Fuck everything.

She’s actually a bit thankful for the doorbell, because she’s not sure, she’ll be able to keep the tears in for very long. She gets up quickly, not leaving Ant time to do it himself, and walks to the door.

She has no idea what she was expecting, of course, it’s Dec, who the fuck else would it be. He looks like shit too, and Lisa wonders, if they had a fight, or it’s just the whole thing in general.

'Hi,' she says with a sad smile, and she's incredibly proud that she manages at least a semi-friendly tone. Now, she only has to fight down her urge to get a kitchen knife and stab Dec in the chest, and it's gonna be all fine.

Dec opens his mouth, but there’s no sound coming out, so after a while, Lisa gets bored of his gaping misery and just ushers him in from the pouring rain.

She’s very tempted to say ‘I was just leaving anyway’, get her stuff and leave the two of them alone, but her pride doesn’t let her.

'Who is it?' she hears Ant from the living room.

'The one million pound question…' she mumbles sarcastically, then suddenly decides to add sweetly, 'Your other half, honey, who else?'

She sees Dec wince painfully at her comment, and she interrupts him, before he too could apologise to her. Lisa thinks, she’s heard enough apologies for a lifetime.

'Want a cup of tea, Dec?' she asks, and she tries (and fails) to sound any kind of nice this time. Her voice is noticeably pretend-sweet, in a very cold and 'fuck you' kind of way.

Dec awkwardly shakes his head. Lisa almost feels sorry for him as he’s standing there, all tiny, with a miserable expression on his face, clothes dripping all over the carpet.

Ant finally finds his way into the hall too, and they stand there; all three of them deadly silent, and  _oh god, this is just horrible_. How could one fucking photograph do this to them? How could it change so many things, how could it break up this wonderful  _family_?

That’s when Lisa realises, she doesn’t want this to be ugly and she doesn’t want this to be difficult. She doesn’t want to understand any more, she doesn’t want to know the details and the reasons. These two boys, her family – because they  _are_  her family – deserve better. There is this one thing she has to do first though, so she takes a deep breath and turns to Dec.

'Can I talk to you for a second?'

And she doesn’t wait for Dec’s answer or Ant’s puzzled expression, instead she walks into the kitchen and sits on the counter. Dec follows her with the frightened expression of a guilty little child, who’s just been caught doing something naughty. Lisa hates that. She doesn’t want to be the bitchy ex-wife! Her heart clenches at the  _ex_ , and she knows, she’s going to get through all this shit, but still, it makes her all disorientated and dizzy, because, oh wow, ex-wife is not something she thought, she’d ever be.

'I just- I just want you… That I'm… You should know… that- that I'm…' Well, that was almost a sentence, Lise, ' I'm not angry with you, Dec, okay?' she finally manages in a tiny voice, and wow, she can surely do better that that. 'I mean, I  _am_  angry at you, but it’s not really- I’m angry with the  _mistress of my husband_ , you know, I’m angry at what you did, but I’m not actually angry with  _you_ _–_ Declan.’

Well done, Lisa. Still not making any sense. Dec relaxes a little bit though, he even sits down.

'Well, youse are pretty much alone with that, cos I'm very angry at myself,' he says quietly. 'I'm  _so very sorry_ , Lise.’

Lisa lets out a miserable little chuckle. ‘You should never apologise for loving someone.’

'It would make things easier like. If I didn't love him, that is.'

'I don't want to try to be, you know,  _wise and things_ , because I mean, 20 years, and I didn’t even  _suspect_ anything, but, you know, life tends to be  _not very easy_ most the time.’

Dec looks up, surprised, laughing a little.

'You're the most brilliant woman in the world, Lisa, man,' he says, seriously, with so much adoration and love in his voice.

Lisa laughs, ‘Careful, your mother might hear it…’

Dec makes an annoyed little motion with his hand, ‘Can we not talk about _her_  like?’

'Is it that bad?' Lisa asks and she finds that she actually cares a lot.

Dec looks up, and there is so much pain in his expression that Lisa wants to hit someone.

'I'm sorry, she doesn't get it,' she says, 'She will eventually. It's pretty obvious, you know,' and they both know what she means. It's pretty obvious how much Ant and Dec love each other.

'You shouldn't be this nice,' Dec says with a half-smile.

'I know,' Lisa says regretfully, but she just can't stand being angry at him, 'It sucks, being this nice.'

Dec laughs again, but Lisa feels like she’s running out of her tearless hours. So she gets – a little abruptly – to the point.

'Stop being an arse, Dec and do something, okay? This  _thing_  that the two of you have? Cost  _at least_ two relationships, and a fucking marriage. I deserve better, you know,’ she says firmly, but she can feel the tears coming, ‘And I deserve it that divorcing the love of my life won’t be meaningless. If you don’t fucking end up together, this whole thing was just wasted. So  _please_ , don’t fuck it up.’

She doesn’t wait for Dec to react - that would be just really awkward – and she totally feels like a soap character as she jumps off the counter and silently walks out. She thinks about dramatically kissing Ant one last time, before leaving, but _really?!_ , and despite of everything she’s actually still fucking angry at them, and besides, it hurts so much just to be in the same room with Ant, knowing that he’s not hers any more.

So she quickly goes upstairs, gets her already packed bag and tries to leave as silently as she can. She’s not saying any goodbyes, it’s not like she’s never going to see them again, and she’s certain that a divorce will require meetings and all that, and also somewhere in the bottom of her heart she hopes that at some point in the not-very-near-future she will want to be friends with them. A TV-presenter wedding doesn’t sound that bad after all. Imagine, all the hot men that would want her to cry on their shoulders.

She’s getting her coat when she hears Dec talking in the kitchen. She only catches a couple of sentences, but it makes her feel like she’s  _actually_  going to get through it.

'You left  _her_ for  _me_? You’re a fucking idiot, Ant. I’m not half as amazing as she is’


	17. Chapter 17

Dec stares at his phone intently, almost challenging the screen to show something else (something that’s not even remotely related to him in any way), while swearing loudly. He dares himself to put the phone down onto the coffee table instead of violently throwing it at the living room wall and then stepping on it.

He feels like getting drunk, but it’s only 8 in the morning, so he just makes himself another cup of tea and then calls Ant. After yesterday’s  _Lisa scene_  – which left both him and Ant equally embarrassed and shaken – they agreed to spend the night in different houses. Dec desperately wanted to clear his head, and he was sure, Ant was in need of some alone time too.

It actually kind of worked, Dec managed to get a good night’s sleep (he dreamt about Ant, but after a quick wank in the shower, the sexy thoughts and memories of sweet kisses were good as gone), and felt quite relaxed, even re-energised. He was actually looking forward to going in to work today. Then he saw the article online.

'Fuck,' was all he managed to utter, when he noticed the photo of himself leaving his house in the pouring rain yesterday. On the Daily Mirror website. At the very top. As if there were no wars going on in the world, or sport events, or political scandals, or _anything_  more fucking important than his bloody personal life. But that wasn’t really what he was concerned about. Because the headline… well, the headline was just… it was exactly just that:  _fuck_.

So, he calls Ant, before he could really freak out and do something stupid (he promised Camalia, he wouldn’t!) and it’s kind of an instinctive thing, calling Ant, because that’s what he _always_  does when something happens.

'I'm gonna fucking kill someone,' Dec says to him, when he hears him pick up. He's certain that Ant's seen it too, because he answers on the first ring.

'Morning to you too, Declan,' Ant says and Dec can hear him yawn on the other end. 'Can youse not kill anyone until I get there? It'll be just a minute – I finish me coffee.'

'How could- how could she-?! I don't…' Dec's so angry, he can't even finish a proper sentence, but it seems, Ant understands what he's trying to communicate just fine.

'I don't know, Dec. She's a bitch,' Ant says, nonchalantly, as if this wasn't news, as if she had been a bitch from the very beginning, which is just annoying, because Dec had no idea, and frankly, Ant could have  _said_  something. But then Ant starts speaking in a soft voice and Dec finds, that actually helps with the murderous feelings, ‘Just take a deep breath for us – I’ll be there in a sec.’

When Ant finally appears, he looks worried, but seems a lot more rested than yesterday, and he’s a bit wet as well – it’s still raining outside.

'I swear, there are even more paparazzi outside than yesterday,' he says, as he kicks his shoes off, 'We're gonna have to, like,  _move_ , if it doesn’t get better…’

Dec shrugs, he honestly couldn’t care less about that right now.

'Do you think it's stupid to call her?' he asks Ant eagerly, but then doesn't wait for the answer, 'I'm going to call her,' he states determinedly and starts searching through his contacts. He starts typing her name in,  _Georg_ …

Dec yelps when Ant takes the phone out of his hand.

'It _is_  stupid to call her and I’m not going to let you do it,’ Ant says slowly.

Dec sighs and throws himself down onto the sofa helplessly. ‘I’m gonna kill her,’ he mumbles, still angry.

'Come on, it's not  _that_  bad…’ Ant says (he doesn’t sound very convincing) and sits down next to him.

Dec raises an eyebrow and reaches out for his phone to prove it to Ant that it _is_  that bad.

'I promise, I'm not going to call her,' he says dutifully when Ant refuses to give him his phone. When he finally gets his hands on it, he hesitates for a moment; eyeing the green button, planning out what his first sentence would be if he did actually call her, but then he just opens the browser – the website is still open on one of the tabs.

'I always knew Dec was gay,' he reads Ant the headline and yeah, okay his voice is fucking  _dramatic_ , but so is the headline, so what the fuck.

Ant lets out a frustrated ‘ _do we really have to do this, Dec, I read it too, I know exactly what it says_ ' kind of sigh next to him, but Dec ignores him and continues reading the article angrily.

'Recently outed TV duo's one half, Dec Donnelly was gay from the very beginning, says ex-girlfriend, BBC Radio 5's Georgie Thompson (31),' Dec snorts, 'She's 37, I checked it on Wikipedia,' he comments furiously. 'No one in their right mind would believe, she's 31.'

Ant makes a face and stays silent apart from a mumbled ‘You had to look it up on Wikipedia how old your ex-girlfriend was?’ and lets Dec rage on.

'Sometimes I caught him staring at Ant, and other men too, Georgie says, who is still heartbroken from their split in 2011,' Dec continues reading. 'Yeah, I  _bet_ , she’s heartbroken; she’s fucking  _engaged_!,’ he says frustratedly and looks expectantly at Ant.

But the only thing Ant says is that ‘You know that from Wikipedia too?’, so Dec just ignores him and goes back to the article.

'The former Sky Sports presenter realised that Donnelly was playing for the other team…,' Dec honestly doesn't know if he should laugh or cry, 'Seriously though,  _playing for the other team_?! I get it, it’s funny, because she’s a  _sports reporter_! I mean, even  _we_  don’t have this shit jokes, not even on I’m A Celeb…!’ but Ant doesn’t look really fazed by that either.

'…and the couple broke up soon after she confronted him about his feelings for his on-screen best mate and off-screen partner, Ant McPartlin,' Dec reads, standing up as the emotions drive him. ’These are just outright lies! She’s not even fucking  _trying_ to come up with something that’s  _remotely_  true! And, by the way, what does “off-screen partner” fucking mean?!’

'Can you stop shouting, man?' Ant asks him quietly, and Dec can  _hear_  it in his voice that his head hurts.

'She just wants attention, because her career is not working out,' Dec says, still fuming, but he tries to keep the volume down.

Ant nods, ‘Aye, it’s pretty obvious like.’

'It's trending,' Dec informs him bitterly.

'Why do you care so much?' Ant asks him and there's curiosity glimmering in his hazel eyes.

Dec shakes his head.  _Why does he care?_  He doesn’t know. It’s just… He feels betrayed. He loved Georgie. No, really, he did. He was even happy with her. It didn’t work out in the end, but they didn’t part on bad terms and now she’s going around, spreading lies about him, using their relationship to get some publicity. ‘I don’t know, Ant, I mean, she’s  _lying_ ,’ Dec says resentfully, ‘She never caught me  _staring_  at– I mean,  _what the fuck_. And she certainly never  _confronted_ me about it.’

Ant rolls his eyes, ‘ _Of course_ , she’s lying. “Dec and his best friend were always very close” is not a headline that they can sell, so she’s exaggerating.’

'Exaggerating?!' Dec is honestly trying his best to stay calm, but he just  _can’t_ , ‘Anth, she’s telling people, I’m gay! That’s not an exaggeration, that’s a lie. I wouldn’t hide it if I was gay, but I’m not.’

Ant lets out a sarcastic snort, ‘Yes, I know you  _pretty_ well, Declan – thank you for the information.’

'I'm just saying-' Dec starts, but he can see, (or maybe sense?) oh-so-clearly that Ant finally got to the point of losing his patience and indeed, Ant interrupts him right away.

'You're the one who fucking dated her, Dec, okay? Calm the fuck down and deal with it,' Ant looks sick of this conversation.

'Okay,' Dec mutters, a bit embarrassed. 'I'll get you some painkillers for your head.'

Ant makes an impatient little motion with his hand, ‘Already took some. We knew, this wasn’t gonna be easy like,’ he adds, his tone conciliating.

Dec snorts,’ Yeah. Could have been easy, but no, you  _had to_  fucking marry someone else.’

‘ _Whoa_ ,’ Ant says, taken aback by the sudden turn in the conversation, ‘Don’t take your anger out on us, Declan, man.’

'I do whatever I fucking want,' Dec mumbles childishly, and he knows that it's not fair to Ant, but he's just  _so_ angry. Angry at everything and everyone. The whole world, actually.

He heads back to the kitchen to finish his now cold tea, while murmuring curses under his breath.  _Fuck_ his cold tea.  _Fuck_  Ant and his calmness.  _Fuck_  Georgie.  _Fuck_ everyone. This was supposed to be a better day (not good, but better!), but Dec is getting suspicious that he’s not gonna have better days for a while and oh, really, just  _fuck_  everything.

  


'So, you didn't break up because of me. You and Georgie, I mean,' Ant says when they finally manage to get through the paparazzi, get into their car and catch their breaths.

Dec looks up at him, mildly annoyed, ‘Why is this so fucking important to you?’

Ant turns away with a frustrated huff and doesn’t answer. (Actually he does that quite often – when Dec gets like this, he usually just waits it out and honestly, Dec can’t really blame him for that.) They don’t say a word to each other until they get to the studio, and even then, it’s just a couple of aggressive grunts that probably mean something like ‘ _I’m going to me dressing room now, don’t talk to me, unless it’s absolutely necessary_ ' and frankly, Dec is absolutely fine with that. He feels like he's going to explode any second now, and talking is just not something that he wants to do at the moment.

When he’s finally alone in his dressing room, he thinks about calling Georgie again, because shouting at her would be just pretty much the best thing  _ever_ , but her number is gone from his contacts and  _jesus_ , Ant just knows him too fucking well. He stops himself before he could smile at that thought.

'Remind me – what are we fighting about, again?' Ant asks him later, oh-so-casually, while standing on stage, waiting for the sound guys to sort out something.

They are going through the opening again – microphones in hand, ridiculous gay jokes in mind, crew staring at them, waiting intently for… a kiss, or an intimate moment maybe, a scandalous fight perhaps, or god knows what.

The direct approach takes Dec by surprise and he completely forgets to sound annoyed. ‘It’s complicated,’ he blurts out while turning towards Ant and he realises that they are standing unusually far away from each other. Well, unusually for _them_ , anyway.

Ant raises an eyebrow in a very sceptical fashion, ‘Yeah? Tell us about it, love.’

Dec clears his throat and steps closer. He’s really not comfortable with having this conversation in a studio full of people. Victor or what’s his name, for example, is standing  _way_  too close to them. And he looks fucking  _shady_. And also… what’s the point of being angry at Ant, if he doesn’t even know, why he’s angry at him?

'Well, first of all, you act like- You seem to assume that we're fine. But, we're not. We're bloody  _fighting_  all the time, Anth! That’s not normal –  _we_  don’t do that. And I- I honestly never thought this could happen, but I don’t- I don’t…’ he trails off, because Ant looks just so… hopeful. He looks like, he’s ready to do whatever Dec wants him to do in order to fix it.  _Fix them_.

'Yeah?' he urges him on.

'I don't think, I trust you enough to be with you like that,' Dec says faintly and he feels incapable of looking at Ant. Still, he hears Ant drew a sharp breath.

'Like that,' he hears Ant echo in a restrained voice, 'You mean, you don't trust me enough to be in an actual relationship with me. As in…  _dating me_.’

Dec nods awkwardly – still not looking at Ant – and licks his dry lips.

'It was one- Jesus, Dec, it was  _one_  fucking lie, okay? And I explained me reasons and-’ he stops then, and when he speaks again it kind of sounds like he’s trying to decide if he should be annoyed or start pleading with him, ‘Would you look at me, please?’

Dec takes a deep breath and lifts up his head. They lock eyes and Dec has to fight really hard not lose himself in Ant’s hazel pair.

'Do you honestly think I'm lying about other things too?' Ant asks him quietly.

Dec shakes his head, ‘I don’t know what to think. In my whole life I was angry at you for taking me for granted, and now… You never…’ he doesn’t know how to explain it now, that he actually has the opportunity to do so.

He decides to take it one step at a time, ‘My love is unconditional for you, Ant, you know that,’ he says slowly. Then he thinks about how Ant lied to him, because he thought, Dec would want to leave him, so he adds, ‘Or I thought, you did. But it’s… It’s just really humiliating that you think, you don’t have to fight for me. That you think, you just sort of automatically deserve my love.’

Ant stares at him for a moment, his face softens, expression thoughtful, ‘Do I have to fight for you though?’ he asks.

Dec laughs a quiet little laugh, ‘No, but I would want you to. It sounds stupid, doesn’t it?’

Ant looks at him seriously, he’s shaking his head softly, ‘No, I get what you mean.’

Dec sighs. Of course, Ant understands what he means. He  _always_  does.

'Okay, so that doesn't sound  _that_ complicated. I mean, I can…  _work_  on that like. Get you flowers and chocolate. Maybe jewellery even,’ Ant tells Dec, a smile lurking at the corner of his mouth.

'It  _i_ _s_ complicated,’ Dec says seriously. He’s not going to let Ant joke this thing away, not now, when they are finally talking. ‘Because, as it turns out, I should be mad at you because of an entirely different thing… I mean, now, I’m just afraid that you don’t know how much I love you. You honestly thought that I would- Shit, I would never be able to  _leave_ youse, Ant.  _Never_ ,’ he confesses quickly, before he could change his mind.

'Dec, I-' Ant starts with sad eyes, but Dec interrupts him, because he has to finish what he's started.

'No,  _wait_ , let me just… The fact that you actually considered, you actually thought, I would want to  _leave_ … That means, you don’t trust me enough to know that we fucking  _belong_  to each other and that’s why I’m afraid to commit to you, because-’ Dec abruptly ends his sentence when he sees Victor stepping closer to them.

'We're ready to go again, guys,' he says and Dec really doesn't like the way he looks at them sort of… knowingly. (Does he always look like this, or did he hear something?)

Dec shakes his head and turns towards the autocue. Fuck. It’s not often that he’s willing to talk about his feelings and all that shite, and now he feels frustrated again, because he didn’t get to finish.

Ant feels strangely far away from him, both physically and mentally. He steps one more step closer to him – almost too close actually, shoulders brushing and everything -, but it still feels like they are years apart.

Dec forces himself to smile into the camera, ‘Good evening and welcome to your Saturday Night Takeaway, the only show on telly that says don’t just watch the adverts…’


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t think there are fire escapes on the ITV building, but I needed one for sexual purposes. Oh yes. This chapter is NC-17 and doesn’t really have a plot or anything, it’s just aggressive-almost-sex-on-a-fire-escape.

Rehearsal doesn’t go well. Ant does everything that he needs to, he smiles at the right bits and says the right things at the right times, but he knows, it’s awful. Which means, they are fucked, because the only achievement – apart from their friendship – that they ever had was being good at TV presenting, and currently neither of those things are going very well. Ant feels like running away and getting really really drunk. Because what do they have if they don’t have TV presenting? And more importantly, what do they have if they don’t have their friendship?

They get a short break before they have to go back again and finalise the script with the production team, so Dec and him head towards their dressing rooms. Ant can’t stop thinking about what Dec said to him at rehearsal. About how he’s afraid that Ant doesn’t know how much he loves him. About how he believes that Ant thinks, he would be able to leave him. And that’s just bullshit.

He knows (okay, he’s not  _always_  sure about it, but desperate, lonely and drunk moments don’t count!) that Dec wouldn’t leave him. But he wanted to give him the opportunity to do so regardless. And of course, he knows, Dec loves him – he never questioned it in his life! (He never really thought much about it either, to be fair, but it was just such an obvious thing – they are Ant and Dec; of course, they love each other.) And the other thing, Dec said; how he wants Ant to fight for him, not to take him for granted. It’s a contradiction; Dec wanting Ant to earn him and to have unconditional and implicit love between them, but in a strange way Ant understands it. Actually, it makes perfect sense to him.

And the way he’s capable of understanding everything Dec says, everything Dec wants… it just proves how fucking much they are meant to be. And Ant is sick of fighting and shouting and sulking. So so sick. He’s not used to it, Dec and him don’t usually act like this and it’s messy and complicated and Ant wants out of it. He wants to fix it once and for all, he wants to go back to AntandDec, because that’s something, he knows, something that’s easy and familiar.

As they step out onto the corridor, Dec is on his right and Ant doesn’t usually notice these things – he doesn’t usually  _care_  – but nothing feels right any more and fuck, Dec is on the wrong side of him and to be honest, Ant’s just had enough of wrong sides and had more than enough of  _wrong_  just in general.

And that turns out to be the last straw and Ant just can’t take it any more; it suddenly becomes too much and  _he needs Dec_. He’s an addict, and they always said, and they always knew that he would be the one turning to drugs and alcohol for help, if something wasn’t right, but what they never realised that Dec is his drug. That Dec is what he needs and craves. They never realised it, because they never spent time apart, because they never got into a situation where he just couldn’t  _have_  Dec, but now it’s just unbearable and it’s been at least two fucking days since they’ve said anything friendly to each other and Ant… Just. Can’t. Take. It. Any. More. He really can’t.

He grabs Dec’s arm forcefully, like he’s never done before, not even when they were teenagers full of desire, passion and hormones, and he catches the surprise on Dec’s face from the corner of his eye. He drags him down a corridor or two and thankfully it’s all empty, although, Ant thinks, he’s way past the point where he actually cares about anyone seeing them. He yanks Dec through this back door that leads outside, to a fire escape, and he thinks, he can see Dec wince because of the force he’s clenching onto his wrist. He doesn’t care. Actually he finds it… arousing. It’s a purely sexual thing, and the part of him that is still able to form coherent thoughts is painfully aware of the whole ‘ _getting off on the fact that his fingers will probably leave marks on Dec’s arm_ ' thing, but at the moment he's just an animal, controlled by nothing else, but desire. An addict who needs his drug.

Ant ignores how chilly it is outside (at least it finally stopped raining) and dares himself not to look around and search for lurking paparazzi – he honestly doesn’t even care any more.

He is aware of Dec’s terrified yelp, when he accidentally looks down, and yeah, okay, they are pretty high up, but he has his methods of keeping Dec’s mind off it. He pushes him into the white wall of the building quite aggressively, and he already knows that Dec’s going to complain about his back hurting later. Only later though, because at the moment he seems to have lost his ability to speak; he’s just staring into Ant’s eyes with this mesmerised look on his face. (This is kind of like an Ant vs. Dec, Ant thinks vaguely and he tries not to laugh – it involves the two of them, physical activities, lot of loud panting and the ITV building.) He likes the way Dec’s breath catches at his violence though, and Ant can’t actually believe, they’ve never done anything like this before, because, fuck,  _this is hot_.

He attacks Dec’s mouth without a warning; he bites and sucks, but doesn’t bruise – he’s still a pretty sensible 38-year-old after all, and they’ll have to be on TV tomorrow.

He doesn’t let Dec breathe, as if trying to kiss him unconscious, while pushing a leg forcefully between his thighs. He thinks, he can hear Dec pant his name, but it’s different than usual; it’s not a sharp ‘Ant’ or a soft ‘Anth’ coming off Dec’s pink, moist lips, it’s ‘Anthony’ this time, and it sounds like he’s completely out of it, like not even in this world any more.

Ant pins him to the wall with his hips and kisses and gropes him, because he just  _can’t get enough,_  he needs this, he craves Dec. He knows, it’s gonna be totally uncomfortable and awkward to deal with their hard-ons later – because he knows, they don’t have time for anything real now, and he wasn’t going to have proper sex on a fire escape anyway, he’s way too old and British for that -, but he can’t stop himself from leaning into Dec as much as he can, trying to become one with him, until the point where he really can’t tell which hand is whose and if it’s his lips that are kissing Dec’s or the other way around.

He clings onto Dec’s body, as if it was the very last time, as if the world was crashing down around them, in blood-red flames, complete with dramatic music and explosions in the background and whatnot. He can’t concentrate on anything, but Dec; it’s all just Dec’s body and Dec’s warm breath and Dec’s hips in his mind and nothing else. And in that moment of ridiculous passion and heat, Ant realises that he wants to die. He doesn’t want to deal with their fans and stupid audience research and he doesn’t want to care about tabloid magazines and deal with Lisa and basically anyone in this world who is not Dec. He wants to die in this perfect moment with his best friend, who’s sweaty and uncomfortable – but ridiculously eager – in his white shirt and jacket against him, panting Ant’s name like it was religion and… And.

He misses the bit where he undoes Dec’s jeans – he’s probably too busy sucking a mark on Dec’s collarbone at the time -, but he knows, he must have done it at some point, because there’s no fly or button in his way when he reaches down into Dec’s boxers to take him in his hand. Ant feels Dec’s whole body shiver with rapture and he can’t take his eyes off his face. Dec looks…  _fuck_ , Dec looks like he doesn’t even remember his own name any more. His eyes are closed and he’s literally so fucking out of it that Ant doesn’t think he would notice, if the entire Newcastle United team climbed up the fire escape, singing  _Let’s Get Ready To Rhumble_.

His body is warm and soft and oh-so-familiar under Ant’s touch. He teases him, stroking him painfully slowly, but then Dec does his little tongue thing that he always does and Ant’s trousers suddenly become really tight, and he can’t help, but quicken his pace. Dec lets himself go entirely, Ant’s in total control, and wow, he’s getting off on it. He thinks, he could probably come untouched, just listening to Dec’s moans.

Ant’s initial plan was to… Well, okay, he didn’t have a plan. But. He definitely thought, he was more sensible than this, because yeah, they’ve done things at work before – quick kisses in bathroom stalls when having a bad day or just needing each other too much, sometimes maybe even a semi-long making out session instead of having lunch -, but they always stopped before anything real could have happened.

Because, come on now, these kind of things only happen in films, and yes, they did try it on a plane once, but only because Dec didn’t stop nagging him for an entire run of I’m A Celebrity and also they were pretty drunk. (It wasn’t bad, but it was far from great and Ant hates the way Dec likes to bring it up after a few pints and brag about it how he  _did it on a plane once_ , not mentioning any names, of course, and then he watches Ant with a cheeky grin and Ant usually turns very red and excuses himself awkwardly to go to the loo, because  _seriously_ , Dec shouldn’t bring stuff like that up in public.)

The bottom line is, that Ant was expecting them to go back to work after a bit of possessive kissing and he was already thinking about how stupidly uncomfortable they are both going to be in their meeting, not looking each other in the eye, hiding their erections and all.

But as it turns out, it’s not just Dec and he definitely lost it a bit too, because now they have gone way past of the point of stopping, and he knows from the rhythm of Dec’s breathing that he’s going to come soon. Still, he’s a little bit surprised when he can feel the first of Dec’s come on his fingers and Ant has this odd sort of satisfaction, because it goes all over Dec’s jeans and even the bottom of his shirt and oh, that’s gonna be definitely uncomfortable to clean up and there’s a very slight chance that Dec might be out of extra trousers and he will have to wear these ones for the rest of the day.

Ant’s very close to reaching his climax too – watching Dec do his tongue thing in itself is like the best porn, he’s ever seen -, but he takes a deep breath and is careful not to touch himself.

And that’s when he realises that this little episode was just another move, another fight in their on-going, stupid argument. And he won. Oh, fuck yes, he won. And how…! Because he might be hard right now – and probably will be for the next half-an-hour or so -, but he made Dec come, against the wall, on a fucking fire escape, while they should be working. And Dec – when he’ll finally come to his senses, because at the moment the only thing he can do is to breathe heavily into Ant’s neck, with his eyes closed and for fuck’s sake, Ant has to hold him upright, so he won’t collapse on the ground – will fucking hate the fact that Ant can just do this to him, just take all his anger away and make him forget about their fight and that he’s supposed to be sulking and can just make him totally lose it.

Admittedly, on some level Ant does feel kind of guilty about this whole sadistic thing he’s doing to Dec, but to be honest it feels only a little bit different from when they are fighting with words. This is way more fun though.

Dec is still leaning on him heavily and his lips look unbelievably kissable, so that’s what Ant does; he kisses him, soft and sweet this time, and it’s sort of magical and kind of feels like a first kiss.

'Oh god. Oh my fucking- Holy bloody fucking shit. Jesus motherfucking Christ,' Dec whispers faintly, swearing into Ant's mouth, still not opening his eyes. And Ant knows that he got his point across, because Dec might not be a religious fanatic, and he might not take the whole 'not taking the Lord's name in vain' thing that seriously, but he never dares going any further than a casual 'oh my god'.

And then comes the awkward bit – that Ant, uncharacteristically, so so very enjoys – when Dec finally opens his eyes and tries to stand upright without his help. Dec clears his throat, his angelic pleasure-induced expression is replaced by the hot flush of embarrassment. He steps sideways away from Ant and away from his strong hands that were still holding him by the hips securely, preventing him from falling down. Dec’s knees buckle a little bit, he seems weak and insecure, but he is standing. Ant stops himself before he could smile, because yeah, he’s enjoying this, but it’s still Dec and come on, that would be just too much. He might be mean, but he’s not cruel.

'Er,' Dec says and he avoids Ant's gaze, as he tucks and zips and buttons and none of it helps, because it's still fucking obvious, his whole body is saying 'just fell apart' and even his face has sex written all over it. Ant watches him as he gets his jacket off and holds it in a way that it hides the wet spot on the front of his jeans. His movements are stiff and measured as he opens the door and steps back into the building.

They walk silently to their dressing rooms, and it’s the most awkward thing Ant’s ever experienced and he wants to laugh until he dies.

'I don't think, I understand what your point was with that,' Dec finally says, in front of the door of his dressing room, but his voice is hoarse and he's still kind of not looking at Ant.

'Oh, I think you do,' Ant says quietly, and this is serious now, so he's careful not to have any kind of sarcasm in his voice. Because he does mean it. It might have started out as something that was all about Ant and his need and frankly,  _addiction_  to Dec, but then it turned into something entirely different.

Ant managed to show him that they need each other more than anything. And that as long as they are together, they can forget about everything else, the whole bloody world, because they are the only ones that matter. And he reminded Dec that he can trust him to commit to him and he can believe in him, because this is real and he’s in it for life and he does know that they are  _meant to be_. And that was his point and that’s what he was trying to say.

And he knows that Dec got it and understood it, because _it’s Dec_  and Dec can read him – even when he speaks sex and not actual words – better than anyone. And maybe this will help them get back together again – not that they ever actually parted, but you know -, so, no, Ant doesn’t feel guilty at all because of smiling smugly at Dec before walking into his own dressing room and shutting the door behind himself. Because,  _fuck_ , he thinks, this was just what they needed.


	19. Chapter 19

Dec is angry. He thinks, if someone asked him, he would place his anger level somewhere between ‘paparazzi attacking them in the parking garage’ and ‘Georgie bloody Thompson spreading lies about him’, although… Yeah, actually scrap that, who cares about Georgie; he’s fucking angrier than he ever felt in his whole life.

He feels a comforting touch at his shoulder, but he brushes Ant off (he’s still a bit weirded out by Ant’s whole random sexually attacking him on a fire escape thing – like seriously, what the fuck? As if things weren’t crazy enough…); he can’t stay in one place. There is quite a contrast between the two of them; while he’s pacing up and down in their director’s office, Ant’s standing calmly in the corner.

'Are we sure, it's actually true?' Ant asks and Dec calms himself down enough to choke out a 'What does it say exactly?' and Chris hands him a tablet. It's a page from the online, subscription version of The Sun. It's annoyingly red and annoyingly about the two of them again.

'Okay, wait, someone paid for this?' Dec asks suddenly, 'Someone actually bought this copy, someone subscribed to the Sun online, so we can read this? Why are we giving them even more money for this-'

'My assistant had a subscription,' Chris interrupts him, 'We are using hers.'

'Oh, great. That's just great. Of course, she has a subscription. She probably also thinks I'm gay and that Paul McCartney is dead and the Queen is actually an alien lizard creature.'

'Dec…' Ant says softly behind him and that does it – as  _always_  – and he shuts up.

'I'm not entirely certain, it's genuine though…' Chris talks awkwardly into the silence of the room.

Dec reads through the article and it’s nothing special, it’s just the usual rubbish; how they’ve been shagging since they were teenagers and other shit about how close they’ve always been, blah blah. What Dec’s angry about at the moment… Okay, so he’s angry about a lot of things, but what he’s  _really_ _really_ _bloody_  angry about, is that some of the stuff in the article is actually true.

 _It seems, the Geordie TV presenter duo are not handling_ _pressure very well; they have had several serious fights since they were outed last Tuesday. “It’s strange, because they always get along_ _and_ _they don’t usually fight,” an insider says, “It seems pretty serious, in my opinion.”  
  
Declan Donnelly (38) dated actress Clare Buckfield for 11 years before their relationship ended in 2003. _ _At the time, the reason for their split seemed to be_ _Donnelly’s affair with lapdancer Tina Benson,_ _however a close friend of the TV duo suggests otherwise. “Dec accused Ant of ruining all his previous relationships.”_

 _Donnelly’s_ _split from sports presenter Georgie Thompson after two years_ _– as revealed by Thompson in a recent interview – also_ _ended because of_ _Donnelly’s_ _romantic involvement with best_ _pal_ _and presenter partner Ant McPartlin (also 38)._  
  
_A source told the Sun, “They are both taking a break from their relationships; Ant’s wife is staying with her mother and Dec’s girlfriend moved out too, but it seems like, they are not completely okay with each other right now.” However, the fans of the Geordie lads should not fear a break up yet, as we learned, “They stay in the same house at the moment, so that might be a good sign.”_

Dec ignores his urge to start shouting, breaking stuff and killing people. He silently hands the tablet to Ant and tries not to think about the familiar warmth, he feels in in his stomach when their fingers touch.

'So the source… the  _close friend_ , they are quoting… You think, it’s someone from here.’ Dec says and he knows, he sounds pretty resigned.

Chris is wearing a painful expression. ‘Well, I don’t know, guys, I’m not a detective and shit, but you haven’t been to anywhere else over the last couple of days, so…’

And it’s true; they agreed with Ali that it’s for the best if they don’t really go anywhere for the first couple of weeks, so the person claiming to be their “close friend” must have overheard them talking here, in the studio.

'How did you even know about this? I mean, how did you know it was an actual source and not just some crap that they made up like?' Ant asks Chris, while stepping forward to hand the tablet back. He doesn't move back to the corner where he was standing previously, but stays right there; his body a calming presence next to Dec.

'I didn't. I- My assistant noticed it. She wasn't sure, but she thought that the bit about you two staying at the same place was true – every time she tries to reach you, you're at Dec's – and she told me about it. But I was like, it can't be real, it says you're fighting a lot and I was just saying to Karen that you guys never fight, but she kind of insisted, I show you, so…' Chris explains and he waits a beat before saying, 'So, it's actually a leak? It's not made up or anything, it's… true?'

Dec feels a flush of embarrassment. He did kind of accuse Ant of ruining his relationships and they do fight a lot nowadays, but that’s between the two of them and someone reading about it in some tabloid is a whole lot different to actually admitting it to their director, to  _Chris_ , whom they know and love.

'Yeah, it's true. Everything, the source says is true.' There is something in Ant's tone that makes Dec look up. There is a dark expression on his face and his eyes flash dangerously. 'It has to be someone who actually knows us. Someone, we work with.'

Chris seems to be quite shocked that the stuff about them fighting a lot is true, he even mutters something like ‘But you’re Ant and Dec, you don’t  _fight_!’ and Dec feels guilty, as if they’ve been found out or something. It’s stupid, he reminds himself – even the most perfect couples fight sometimes; he shouldn’t feel guilty – but he can’t help it.

Thankfully, he doesn’t have much time to be miserable about it, because there’s a knock on the door and Ali comes in a moment later. Dec notices the way her hands are twitching slightly and that usually means that she’s going to shout at someone pretty soon. Dec hopes, it’s going to be Ant and not him.

'Do you have any idea who it is?' Ali asks as a way of greeting them.

Dec shakes his head. He thinks about the craziness of the last couple of days and comes to the conclusion that it could have been anyone. They weren’t exactly careless, but they weren’t very careful either and they probably had some fights in dressing rooms, on corridors, in lifts, maybe even in the studio. Still, he doesn’t remember anyone looking at them too intently or anything. (Actually, that’s not true - everyone’s looking at them too intently nowadays, but he doesn’t remember anyone looking more intently than other people. Whatever.) He tries to think of someone that he is not really friendly with, but to be honest, he trusts most people they work with – nothing like this has ever happened to them before.

He tries to look at it from another perspective – when did they talk about stuff that the article mentioned?  _Dec accused Ant of ruining all his previous relationships…_ Well, the topic of Clare and Georgie first came up in Dec’s bedroom, but did they talk about it anywhere else, where someone could have heard them?

And then something suddenly clicks in Dec’s head. Actually, now he remembers it quite vividly; they were walking to the studio and they’d just stopped fighting about something and Ant said,  _What about Georgie?_  And Dec was surprised, because Ant was bringing this up right before rehearsal, and they were supposed to be focused and all that and he said, a bit dubiously,  _You’re asking me, if it was because of you that we broke up with Georgie…?_  and then Ant nodded and said,  _You said, I ruined your relationships. Plural._  And okay, that was kind of stupid of them, talking about personal things so openly, but there were only a couple of crew members around and- _oh fuck_.

Ant and Dec look at each other at the exact same moment. Dec knows, they are thinking about the same person and how he always stands a bit too close, eyeing them curiously. There is a question-mark in Ant’s eyes though, meaning he’s not sure if they should be accusing anyone until they are absolutely certain. Dec shrugs a little; he thinks, they should go ahead. Ant sends him another look:  _What if we’re wrong and it’s not him?_  Dec lets out an irritated sigh and slightly shakes his head.  _Okay, but who is it, if it’s not him?_

'I don't know, Dec – why do youse expect me to know?' Ant snaps at him finally.

Dec is about to snap back at him when he looks up and sees Chris’s amazed face. ‘What?’ he asks suspiciously.

'It's incredible when you do that,' Chris shakes his head, letting out a disbelieving little laugh. 'After all these years, I'm still not used to it.'

'Do  _what_?’ Ant frowns at Chris and Dec’s confused too. What is Chris talking about?

'When you communicate like that! Without actually speaking…?' Chris looks at Ant, as if not quite believing that he wasn't aware of doing it.

Dec feels uncomfortable. To be entirely honest, he didn’t notice that they were doing it either, and he feels sort of violated now, because Chris brought it up. It’s a personal thing and it’s just  _theirs_  and he doesn’t understand why other people would even care.

Apparently the topic annoys Ali too, because she interrupts in a discontent voice, ‘ _So_. Do you know who it is?’

Dec sighs and they share another look with Ant.

'Victor, from the control room team?' Dec says quietly, but he's careful to say it without any kind of certainty in his voice.

'But you're not sure,' Ali states rather than asks and she seems annoyed.

Dec shrugs, ‘We don’t know, like. He might have overheard us talking yesterday on the way to the studio…’

'Talking about what?' Ali asks and her tone is on the verge of cruel. Dec wonders, if she's aware of it.

'Stuff,' Dec says vaguely, shoulders stiffening, 'We're not sure if it was him, anyway.'

'Your personal lives are all over the tabloids, Dec; I will need a little bit more than that. What were you talking about?'

Ali’s voice is harsh and purposefully mean and Dec gets it that she’s not having the best day of her life, but honestly, at the moment, he doesn’t really care, because frankly,  _h_ _i_ _s_  day hasn’t been very good either. (Apart from the almost-sex they had with Ant earlier, because that was  _bloody amazing_ , although Dec’s still confused about it as hell.) And okay, that’s kind of enough.

'We were talking about Ant ruining my relationships, Ali, just like it says so in the fucking article,' he's aware that Ant's trying to interrupt him, but he just raises his voice and continues anyway, 'What do you want me to fucking say? That we are fighting all the time? We  _are_ fighting all the fucking time! Victor was near by. Maybe he heard us, maybe he didn’t – we don’t fucking  _know_. Maybe he sold the story to some shitty journalist, maybe he didn’t. WE DON’T FUCKING KNOW.’

His outburst is followed by the most awkward silence Dec has ever experienced. Their director looks like he would be willing to pay a considerable amount of money to be able to disappear right now, while his ex-girlfriend is taking deep breaths, probably so she doesn’t start yelling at him, and his… (Boyfriend? Lover? Partner? Best friend? Soul mate?) and  _Ant_ , well, Ant seems a bit worried.  _You okay?_  he asks with his eyes, but Dec looks away, annoyed.

He suddenly remembers that he promised Camalia that he’ll think first and only open his mouth  _after_  thinking. Well. Fuck that. That was before he had to talk to Lisa (which, by the way, completely fucked him up) and before Georgie started spreading lies about him and before Ant sexually assaulted him and before he learnt that one of their co-workers was selling stories about them to the tabloids, so yeah. Fuck everything.

Furthermore, Dec comes to the conclusion that it’s all Ant’s fault. He wouldn’t be this angry if his boxers were less sticky and completely dry, and who’s fault is that? Ant’s. Therefore, people spreading stuff about them on the internet (stuff that’s actually true, _fuck_ ) is all Ant’s fault. Shut up, it’s totally logical.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be inappropriate,' Ali says measuredly and it's obvious that she couldn't give a shit about being inappropriate. She's definitely not sorry at all. 'What about other things? Did he hear anything else, he might be able to sell?'

Dec takes a deep breath and tries to recall all the times Victor looked shady or suspicious around them. Today, he was definitely standing way too close to them at rehearsal, but Dec can’t really remember what they were talking about. He looks up at Ant – maybe he remembers – and one glimpse at his pale face is enough to refresh Dec’s memory. He feels like he’s going to be sick.

‘ _So_?’ Ali asks pointedly, and Dec would really like to hit her. ‘What else did you talk about?’

Dec can’t really breathe at the moment so he just slowly shakes his head. He can’t believe that they were this stupid. ‘ _Everything_ ,’ he whispers faintly. And it’s true. They talked about getting together and their trust issues and their fights and lying to each other and unconditional love and- And Dec can already see the next fucking headline. GREEDY ANT DOESN’T THINK DEC LOVES HIM ENOUGH TO STAY WITH HIM. Which is just, well - did he really need all this drama to realise it? -  so not true.

Dec feels like he’s falling down from the top of a very high building and he wishes he would just hit the pavement already so it could all stop. It’s similar to the anxiety attack he had in the upstairs bathroom yesterday, only it’s much worse this time. His vision is blurry, the room keeps spinning and there is no air. He has to get out of here – it’s too small and there are too many people – and he tries to lift his feet, but nothing seems to happen. A part of him is still conscious on some level and is aware that there are other people there, probably looking at him weird and it’s likely, he’s making a fool of himself right now, but he can’t exactly make himself do anything about it. It’s all just too much, the walls are closing in on him and he can’t breathe, he  _can’t fucking breathe_. The emptiness in his stomach gets unbearable, it hurts so so much and he wants to curve up into a ball somewhere in the dark.

And then he hears Ant’s voice and okay, that’s nice and that’s familiar and that’s  _Ant_ and it helps a little and Ant’s saying something like ‘Dec, can I talk to you outside for a minute?’ and Dec wants to say yes, he wants to say, he would follow him to the end of the world, if he asked, but as soon as he tries to open his mouth the spinning gets worse and he just _can’t_.

There is a warm, reassuring hand on his back and there is another one on his waist and Ant’s navigating him out of the room and that’s good, they should totally go somewhere dark and quiet and they should stay there  _forever and ever_ , but they only go to the corridor and Dec wants to say that this is not the end of the world yet and he wants to ask why they’re stopping, but then Ant gently pushes him a little and Dec’s back meets the cold of the wall and that triggers a memory in him and well,  _shit_.

It’s not like people don’t already know all the details of their personal life, but still, having sex on a corridor in front of Chris’s office is probably not very appropriate. Although… Now that he thinks about it, they are moving to the end of the world anyway, so who cares. Nothing really matters any more.

Dec feels like he’s drunk as he shrugs and manages to mumble, ‘Okay, I’m up for it…’, while reaching for the top button of Ant’s shirt, but then Ant grabs both of his hands and says, ‘Declan, I’m not trying to have sex with you - this is just a wall. Look at me.’

'Huh?' Dec's confused. He kind of liked the idea of having sex.

'Look at me,' Ant says again and… Dec does.

It’s like a huge bucket of cold cold  _really_  cold icy water - he snaps out of his giddiness immediately, his thoughts are coherent again. Ant’s eyes remind him of the light at the end of a dark tunnel. Dec loses himself in their warm hazelness, but it’s the good kind of getting lost and even the spinning starts to slow down, then eventually stops altogether.

His vision becomes clear again and Ant’s standing right there, in front of him and he’s so so close – as he should be – and he’s holding his hands and looking into his eyes and it’s just…  _right_.

'I'm here, okay? I'm here, Decky, right here with you, pet. Would never leave youse, love - you know that.  _Never_.’

Dec nods shakily and he can finally breathe again – he’s gasping for air kind of desperately, the oxygen hits his lungs painfully and he starts coughing a little.

He lets himself fall forward, because he knows, Ant will catch him. Two safe arms hug him close and he drops his head on Ant’s shoulder, buries his face into the crook of his neck.

'I was drowning,' he says quietly and he knows, it sounds stupid, but this is Ant and Dec's certain, he will understand.

Ant nods. ‘It’s okay now,’ and when he says it, Dec feels like he can actually believe it.

'What about-?' Dec asks, weakly motioning towards Chris's office door. His anxiety attack couldn't have been very pretty. They must think, there's something wrong with him. Maybe he could pretend, he's terminally ill and then they could do the whole fake funeral thing and they could move to a small tropical island somewhere far far away where they can play golf all day and no one knows them.

'It's okay, it wasn't weird, you were just silent for a minute – they think we just wanted to talk privately like.'

Dec sighs.  _Of course_ , Ant noticed that something was wrong before anyone else could and got him out of there. What else is new?

He wants to say thank you, but then Ant grabs him gently by his shoulders and pushes him away a bit, making him stand on his own. Dec still feels a bit weak, but Ant’s right there, so it’s all fine.

'Have you eaten anything today?' Ant asks, while looking at him worriedly.

Dec ignores the question. He has stuff to tell Ant.

'I honestly don't blame you, Anth. Fuck, it doesn't even matter, I mean, Clare, it's just… It doesn't matter. And with Georgie, I don't know what I was thinking, and it's all because of… I mean, your wedding it was just so. But it's over now and I'm sorry, I was an arse and it's just so fucked up, but now I kind of know what- know what I want to… It's always been… And I just- just want you to know that you- That you were right.'

Dec finds that he has no idea what he’s talking about. He honestly has no clue. It’s just that there is this pressing feeling in his chest and he has to tell Ant that… He has to let him know that…

Dec has no idea what it is that he’s trying to say, so he just kind of stands there, waiting for Ant to make some sense of his words, because that’s how it usually works. Dec says something, he doesn’t really know what he means, it’s all just sudden emotions and half-sentences swirling around in his head and then Ant repeats the words back to him and then it all becomes clear and obvious and it all makes sense.

This time however, Ant stays silent. He smiles at him for a split second – which means, he knows  _exactly_  what Dec’s trying to say –, but he doesn’t repeat his words, he doesn’t explain it, he doesn’t make it all clear so… So probably Dec will just have to figure out what he means by himself. He sighs. That’s going to be interesting.


	20. Chapter 20

Okay, so eating alone in the cafeteria was definitely a bad decision, but after thirty minutes of staring very intently at the door of his dressing room, Dec decided that he was way too young and good-looking to go crazy and get locked up somewhere in a mental institute and he had to get out of there. He’s kind of used to people staring now, and what really bothers him is how no one seems to give a fuck about being discreet. People are very openly talking about the details of his and Ant’s relationship at the very next table and there is nothing secretive about the whole thing whatsoever. You’d think they could have the decency to at least _try_  to pretend, but no, it’s all intense glaring and not-really-whispering.

He wishes Ant was there, because they could laugh it off together, but after all, he’s a grown man and should be able to deal with stuff without the help of his best friend. So, he stays and eats his pasta at his table in sulky silence, letting people watch and talk about him.

He’s checking twitter (it’s just the nowadays usual “Did anyone actually think Ant and Dec were straight? They were fucking obvious #fags”) when Victor sits down at his table. Dec looks up, mouth hanging slightly open, pretty much in shock.  _How dare he…?_

'Uh, can I help?' Dec chokes out a bit rudely, but he's really not feeling like having company at the moment. Especially not Victor's.

Victor smiles. He fucking _smiles_. ‘Er, hey, no. Just, you know. What’s up?’

Dec honestly thinks, he heard it wrong.

’ _What’s up?_ ' he echoes dubiously. 'Uh, nothing interesting like, at all, you know, my life is completely normal like. Exactly as it was two weeks ago.  _Absolutely_  nothing is up. Why?’

Victor holds up his hands defensively, ‘Hey, I just thought, you could use the company, that’s all. Trying to cheer you up, mate.’

Dec can’t believe that this man – this man, who probably only a couple of hours ago was on the phone, selling juicy details of Dec’s life to some journalist – have just called him  _mate_.

Dec takes a deep breath and tries to be nice, because betrayal or not, that’s how his Mam raised him, ‘Yeah, that’s, er, lovely, I guess, but-‘

'So, the show's pretty funny,' Victor says, completely ignoring Dec's obvious discomfort. 'I like how you guys are just going for it, not denying it or anything.'

'Yeah, well, we can't pretend, it never happened,' Dec says in a restrained voice, picking at his pasta. Seriously though, what the fuck does Victor want from him? More information that he can sell?!

'So you've been together for twenty years?' Victor asks when Dec doesn't elaborate.

Dec still can’t really believe that this is happening, however he doesn’t really see any other option, but to go along with it. ‘We weren’t together per se, but yeah, I guess – twenty years. Why?’

'I mean that's a pretty long time to keep up an affair…' Victor laughs stupidly, 'Still not sick of each other?'

Dec raises an eyebrow, ‘No, not really. We probably wouldn’t do it, if we were, y’know,’ he replies, painfully aware of how defensive he sounds.

Victor laughs again, ‘Yeah, that kind of makes sense.’

'Does it now?' Dec manages bitterly. He knows, it's stupid, but he tries sending mental signals to Ant to save him. They are not twins or anything, but who knows; there is a slight chance, it'll work and he's definitely desperate. Ant however doesn't come to his rescue; he's either ignoring him or maybe reading each other thoughts is too supernatural for even their friendship. Oh well.

'So how's Lisa taking it?' Victor asks, curiously staring at him, seemingly still not aware of Dec's misery.

Dec gapes at him for a while, but Victor just sits there, nodding very understandingly, waiting for an answer, so Dec has to actually say something. ‘That’s kind of personal, if you don’t mind.’

This doesn’t seem to affect Victor at all. He says, ‘Yeah, yeah, sorry,’ then asks, ‘Is she going mental though? Can totally imagine her going mental on you and-‘

'Don't talk about Lisa like that,' Dec interrupts him fiercely, barely managing to keep his voice down. Who the fuck does Victor think he is?!

'Oh, okay, I thought you two were, like, enemies-'

'Yeah, well,  _we’re not_.’

Victor seems fazed, but only for a moment; he quickly puts back that dumb smile on his face and continues with his questions, ‘What’s the plan then? Are you and Ant getting married, you know, having a big gay showbiz wedding, then adopting a baby and everything?’

Normally Dec would wonder if Victor could be even more inappropriate if he tried, but he’s too distracted by the question. He has no idea what the plan is. Fuck, he doesn’t think that there’s a plan at all, actually.

First of all, he still can’t really believe that all this can be an option, that him and Ant could actually be together and do all kinds of crazy things like  _getting married_  and… well, adopting would be taking it a bit too far, he thinks, let’s cross that bridge when they get to it, but… But. Even the fact that he can think about this and not feel guilty about it is absolutely  _crazy_.

Although to be honest, thinking about being a father (or a husband for that matter) never really preoccupied Dec. Of course, he wanted to get married eventually, and have loads of children – growing up in a big family was brilliant and he couldn’t imagine it in any other way – but it was not something, he often daydreamed about or anything. Hearing Victor actually saying these words makes something click in him. It's like the feeling you get after finally understanding a brilliant joke everyone else has been laughing about for ages.

He didn’t not think about being a husband or a dad, because he didn’t want it; he didn’t think about it because he hadn’t found the right person to live through it with yet. Or more precisely, he  _thought_  he hadn’t found the right person yet. Because –  _of course_  – his perfect person, the one he wanted to marry and have kids with was Ant all along. (What a shock, surprise, surprise, etc.) And now that he could finally let himself think about it, his mind was flooded - overwhelmingly so - with images of noisy family breakfasts and tiny people absolutely not resembling them running around the living room shouting about Newcastle United, while Ant and him sat on the sofa, grinning proudly.

And if he thinks about it, it’s kind of like a cheesy romcom; everyone knew all along that they were supposed to be together, except for the two of them and now that they went through all this shitty stuff and after finally realising, they should be together, everything’s going to be fine. (At least that’s what he hopes - fingers crossed.) The only difference is that they are so stupid that it took them  _a lot more_  than 120 minutes of a movie to realise that they belong together. Like about 15 years more. That’s not going to ruin Dec’s happy ending though, he decides. He’s getting his disgustingly romantic film scene with a kiss and moving music and everything, because he bloody deserves it.

But, no really, they are both single and want each other and the whole world already thinks that they are together, so what’s holding them back?

Dec stands up kind of urgently, clumsily collecting his rubbish and the remains of his pasta as quickly as he can.

'I'm sorry, I- uh, have to, like,  _go_ ,’ he mumbles to Victor as an explanation and he doesn’t even look back to see his reaction.

He’s already out on the corridor when he belatedly realises that after that conversation, there’s no way, Victor was the leak. Selling stuff about them to the papers and asking Dec blatantly personal questions on the same day? No one is that stupid. Not even Victor. And also how would Victor even know that they are both staying in Dec’s house, or that Lisa moved to her mother’s? Dec is absolutely sure, they didn’t talk about stuff like that in the studio.

When Dec finally realises who the leak actually was, he is already holding the doorknob of Ant’s dressing room and couldn’t really care less. He finally figured out what he wants in his life and he’s not going to let anyone take that away from him. 

He doesn’t remember a time, he was this clear about his feelings; there is none of the usual  _no, no, you have to stop thinking about him, he’s married and your best mate s_ tuff going on in his head and that’s not just very liberating, but it makes everything just so fucking easy as well. It’s like there was this weird, guilt-induced pain in his stomach that he didn’t even realise was there until just now that it’s finally gone.

He tears the door open with a smile and for a split second considers jumping into Ant’s arms, after all, this is the last scene of their stupid romcom movie, but then… He sees Ant and comes to an abrupt halt in the middle of the room. Ant looks older than Dec’s ever seen him; the lines of worry running deep on his forehead, eyes tired and dull.

’ _The fuck-?_ ' Dec asks very intelligently. 'Wha- What…? Did something fucking happen  _again_?’

'Um, yes,' Ant says hesitantly. 'There is a- There is an article, um, online, claiming that… That Lisa's pregnant.'

Dec does several things in rapid succession. First, he decides against fainting, because he is not a pre-teen at a Beatles concert. Then he takes a very very deep breath. After that, he bites back a curse on all tabloid magazines, because  _seriously_ , Ant and Dec  _again_? (There  _must be_  something more important happening in the world, like Brangelina adopting another kid or something…) Then finally… he looks up at Ant and asks, ‘Well… Is she?’


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very sincerely sorry about last time’s pregnancy cliffhanger - it was disgustingly cheesy of me.

When Ant finishes the call and walks back into his dressing room, Dec is still sitting on top of the table in an air of resigned silence, just as he was when Ant had left. He doesn’t seem nervous, or angry, he’s just sitting there, looking a bit moody. Actually, he looks very relaxed about the whole thing.  _Way too_ relaxed, Ant thinks. He knows, Dec’ll freak out about it later, but thankfully right now is not later.

’ _Well?_ ' Ant hears Ali ask from the other side of the room.

He glances up at her standing figure. Ali doesn’t just sound anxious, but looks it too. She’s practically a nervous wreck; her hands are twitching, she’s watching Ant closely as he slips his phone back into his jeans pocket.

'She's not,' Ant says. Then, after a tiny moment of hesitation, he adds, 'Pregnant, that is. Lisa's not pregnant.'

Ant hears Ali let out a deep breath and murmur something that sounds like ‘Thank fucking god for that!’, but he’s more interested in Dec’s reaction.

Dec doesn’t do or say anything at first; his face is rather blank, almost completely emotionless. When Ant continues to stare at him though, he looks up and speaks quietly, in a soft tone, ‘That’s great… I guess.’ But Ant notices, his eyes are actually saying  _Are you okay?_  and  _We need to talk_.

Ant nods; he’s fine. He smiles at Dec warmly.  _Okay, let’s talk. What about?_

Dec seems to hesitate for a moment, as if choosing between two topics, then he says, ‘It’s not him. If you think about it, it’s quite obvious actually – Lisa’s staying at her Mam’s… When did we ever talk about that in–’

'Oh, shit,' Ant says, realising what he's talking about. The leak. Of course, it wasn't Victor.

'You know who I mean?' Dec asks, but it's not really a question – they are definitely thinking about the same person.

'Yeah, yeah, I just can't fucking believe it, like,' Ant sighs. He really can't. He would have never thought… They were mates…! The betrayal stings like salt in an open wound. This is what it's come to – they can't fucking trust anyone.

Then something occurs to him. There is something in Dec’s eyes, something that he can’t properly identify, something hopeful and…

'That's not what you wanted to talk about though, right? There is something else,' Ant prompts, but Dec just shakes his head with an easy smile.

'It's… It can wait. It's not important.'

The way he says it though, clearly implies that it is indeed something very important. Ant looks at him, holding his gaze. There is all this positivity about Dec; so much energy and a will to live and it reminds him of how Dec used to be before his father died. He can’t help, but smile back.

There is a sudden, harsh voice, startling them out of their own little conversation. Ali cuts in as if the last couple of minutes had never happened, forcefully starting a new topic, ‘I was thinking, you should move to a hotel. The paparazzi situation is getting unsustainable.’

Ant blinks at her for a while, in confusion – they were talking about something completely different. ‘Oh, aye, if you think so.’

'Yeah, I'll take care of it. And if you give me a list by the end of the day, someone will go and pick up your stuff from home – clothes and things,' Ali says, all practical, and she reminds Ant of a machine, like there is nothing human about her any more.

'What about Rocky and Hurley?' Dec asks her, but Ant's the one who answers his question.

'Oh, Sarha offered to take them.'

Ali cuts in again, keeping the discussion on the tracks, ‘Okay, I’ll arrange that too,’ she says, sounding quite hostile. ‘Sarha shouldn’t go there though, someone will get the dogs and bring them to her.’

'So, it's bad,' Ant states glumly, 'It's so bad that my sister can't even go to my house, because she'll be asked inappropriate questions by tabloid journalists about my shagging habits. That's kind of shit.'

Ali shrugs. She doesn’t seem to care all that much.

'Oh, Ali, by the way, Lisa wanted to talk to you about how to handle the whole pregnancy rumour thing,' Ant turns to her, remembering the incredibly awkward phone call he just had with his wife, 'A couple of photographers showed up at her Mam's yesterday. She's a bit worried.'

'Yeah, okay, I'll send someone over and they can talk it all through…'

Ant frowns, ‘No, no, she wants to talk to you.’

Ali seems pretty horrified at that aspect, ‘Oh. Okay,’ she says finally, nodding in a very reluctant way. ‘Yeah, sure.’

There is a tense moment when no one speaks – it’s all just avoiding eye-contact, and shoe-glaring –, then the silence is finally broken by Dec, ‘And what are we gonna do about Joe?’ he asks Ali darkly.

She looks utterly confounded; her emotionless machine-mask comes off to give space to confusion, ‘Joe? Who is Joe?’

'Our driver,' says Dec frowning, but Ali looks just as lost as before, so he slowly adds, 'He's the leak…?'

'I'm sorry –  _what_?!’

Dec exchanges a dumbfounded look with Ant, then starts explaining it, ‘That source, today, in the Sun, talking about our fights and us staying in the same house and Lisa moving to her mother’s…? It was Joe. Our driver.’

'How do you know?' Ali asks, still a bit bewildered.

'We don't filter it as much when we're in the car,' Ant says with a sigh, 'Joe was such a nice lad and we never–'

'I thought, you said, it was Victor from the control room team,' Ali interrupts him sharply.

'Oh, no, it's not him,' Dec shakes his head and he looks Ali over with a studying gaze. 'It's Joe. I just told Ant, like a second ago. You were  _right here_.’

Something seems to snap in Ali at that, because she steps closer, shaking with anger and starts shouting at Dec, ‘Oh,  _fuck you_. I was right here, but you didn’t  _tell_  Ant, you fucking mind-messaged him and I get it that you communicate like that, but no one else bloody can and just because you pretend not to notice it, it doesn’t mean, it’s not fucking annoying!’

'Ali, we… We're sorry, we didn't realise…'

And that’s it. That’s just fucking it, because who the fuck says ‘we’re sorry’ instead if ‘I’m sorry’, as if they were one person and not two and Ali can’t take it any more.

Ant and Dec stare at her, quite shocked, as she fights her tears back for another second, chokes out the most undignified ‘I have to go’ in the history of the universe and runs out onto the corridor, letting the door shut behind her with a loud bang.

'What the…?' Dec gasps incredulously.

Ant shakes his head; he has no idea either.

Dec stands up, starting towards the door, looking kind of reluctant.

'No, wait. Let me,' Ant says and Dec raises an eyebrow, but doesn't stop him when he goes after Ali.

Ant finds her in the studio, sitting in the last row of the audience, still crying soundlessly. He hesitates for a second; he’s never seen Ali this vulnerable, not once for all the ten years, they’ve known each other, but then Ali turns her head and notices him.

'Hey,' Ant says with a sad smile and sits down next to her.

'Hi. You're not…'

'Dec? No, I'm not. You'd think after dating one of us, you would know which one is which…' It's a rubbish joke, but Ali manages a weak, tearful smile.

'What's wrong?' Ant asks her softly.

Ali sighs, smudging tears and eye-shadow across her face with fingertips. ‘Oh, everything,’ she says, but it comes out alongside a rueful laugh. ‘I mean, it’s just… too much. The fucking people, fucking staring all the time and they all think, they know something about me! And I still can’t believe I was so blind, I didn’t notice that the two of you… Because really, I should have  _known_. I just hate it so much that you two let me make an idiot of myself by falling for him. And I love working with you guys, but it’s so hard to be around, when you and him are just so obviously…’

'What?' Ant asks, when Ali trails off and avoids eye-contact with him, 'So obviously what?'

'I don't know…' she shakes her head and takes a deep breath, trying to compose herself, 'In love? Together? You are just so obviously…  _you_. And for some reason, I’ve never seen it before,’ she shakes her head again and Ant realises that she’s a lot more mad at herself than she is at them.

'What does that even mean, like? Ali, this is all us, I swear.  _We_  screwed this up, not  _you_!’

Ali laughs at that, still desperately wiping at her tear-stained face, ‘You’re Ant and Dec, for god’s sake. I should have known that I can’t fit into that.’

'Hey, no, Ali. That's– that's not true. He loves you, okay? He still does. He was happy with you,' Ant tries to reassure her, but it doesn't do much. Ali just raises an eyebrow, as if saying,  _a bit too late for that, don’t you think_.

'Yeah, well. It was all a lie, wasn't it?' she says, not looking at Ant again.

'Of course, it wasn't!' Ant exclaims and it hits him for a second how weird it is that he's the one comforting Dec's ex, when they broke up basically because of him. 'Look, I know him better than anyone, right? He was… he was so happy with you and I know, it sounds like a cliché, but I've never seen him like that. That happy and in love and… It's just that him and me…' he trails off, because he doesn't know how to put it. After all, he can't exactly say that Dec and him are just simply Meant To Be.

He thankfully doesn’t have to, because Ali finishes the sentence for him, ‘It’s just that the two of you are too perfect together.’

Ant looks up into her sad eyes that shine with tears and defeat. He feels sick to his stomach. ‘I’m sorry,’ he mumbles, thinking of how bright Dec’s smile was when he told Ant that Ali and him – properly this time, not just the usual Valentine’s Day hook up thing – finally got together.

'You shouldn't be sorry for that,' Ali tells him, with a joyless little laugh, 'It's just, you know, it was pretty brutal for me to realise that I was in a competition all along with absolutely no chance of winning,' she states bluntly.

'It's not a competition–' Ant starts protesting, but Ali cuts him off right away.

'That's exactly it! It never was, because you already won like 20 fucking years ago. But  _I_  thought, it was a competition and I was so fucking committed to winning and–’

'That's not how it…' Ant is shaking his head frantically, 'You know, that's not what it was.'

'Oh, come on, Ant, after all this shit, can you please at least not lie to me?' Ali says and her voice indicates that  _that’s that_  and Ant should just shut up.

'I'm sorry,' Ant mumbles, because he has no idea what else he could say. He still doesn't think, it was like that, mainly because if there  _was_  a competition at all, then the only possible explanation is that someone put his name down to compete and forgot to tell him about it. And if this is how winning feels, well, he’d rather be the biggest loser, because this is pretty fucking unbearable.

'Do you wanna, like, take a break or something? We would be okay, I think. Or… I mean, you can just walk away from all this, Ali. We don't want youse to, but you _can_ just walk away,’ he says then, because that seems like a nice thing to offer. Ali just got to work right away when they found out about the picture and no one gave her any options, no one asked her what  _she_  wanted.

'Of course, I can't, Ant,' she says, her tone a bit patronising, 'It wouldn't solve anything.'

Ant is sick of all this, and he can only blame himself. He feels fucking miserable. How many lives did they ruin just by not realising something so obvious? How many lives did they ruin because of their stupidity? How can love fuck up everything so easily? ‘I’m sorry,’ he says again, but Ali just snaps at him.

'You have to stop saying sorry, Ant – it's bloody annoying.'

 

Ali gets them a hotel suite with two bedrooms that open into each other and tells them to go up to the suite separately. It works, as far as Ant can tell. He’s never been so grateful that people don’t recognise them seperately. Of course, the fake check-in names and the obviously over-paid (for their discretion) staff help too. The important thing is that there are no photographers and journalists lurking around (yet, Ant thinks glumly) and if the cost of that is that Ant has to wait in the car – driven by not Joe, but a blank-faced stranger – for half an hour after Dec goes up, then be it. It’s totally worth it.

Still, the hotel manager is smirking at him all too knowingly as he shows Ant to the suite and he couldn’t be happier to finally close the door behind him. He finds Dec sleeping on the sofa in the living room area, still dressed and probably pretty uncomfortable in his shirt and jeans, but he looks so peaceful that Ant doesn’t want to wake him. He unpacks, checks his emails and social media (bad bad _bad_  idea), then orders room service for the both of them – dinner seems like a good idea. He walks around the suite aimlessly until the food arrives and wakes Dec only then.

'Wha–?' Dec pauses mid-word to yawn, 'What is it?'

'Ordered food. You hungry?' he says and Dec smiles at him so adoringly at that, that Ant can't help but laugh, 'Come on, then, you.'

They eat sitting on one of the king-sized beds, staring at the telly, but actually neither of them are watching the You’ve Been Framed rerun on itv2. They are not talking either, both lost deep in their thoughts. The silence is not uncomfortable between them, but definitely has a tired quality to it.

Ant is thinking about Lisa and their non-existent baby. He wanted kids so badly. They both did. He thinks that perhaps it was fate (or something like that) that it never happened for them, because they had been definitely trying and for quite some time now, too. Everything would be a lot more complicated now if there was a child involved, so thank god it didn’t happen, but still. Ant has had this dream-like image of him and Lisa on a Sunday morning, having breakfast with their kids and Uncle Dec, for way too long to be able to just forget about it or alter it so easily.

’ _Ah, steak and ale pies…_ ’

Ant distractedly looks up at Dec, ‘Sorry, wasn’t listening… What?’

But Dec is not paying any attention to him, he’s staring at the TV with a positively mortified expression on his face.

Ant needs a minute to catch up on what happened even after glancing at the plasma screen and seeing himself on the Morrisons Market Street smiling at the woman buying something at the fishmongers. He blinks at the screen, then looks at Dec sitting next to him. It wasn’t Dec who spoke. At least, not the Dec in the room. It was the one on the TV. In the advert.

They watch it in deadly silence as the screen versions of them cheerfully purchase some meat, crack a joke with Antony, the butcher and then walk down the street with Morrisons plastic bags in hand and Dec holding a bouquet of flowers.

'Have you ever noticed how…?' Dec asks, eyes still fixated on the TV.

'…much we look like a couple?' Ant finishes his sentence, dazedly. He shakes his head. 'No. Never before.'

'It's kind of disturbing,' Dec says hesitantly.

'Tell us about it…' Ant agrees. It is pretty disturbing, especially considering that everyone kept telling them, but they always just laughed it off.

It takes them a few minutes to shake off their initial shock, but when they do, neither of them is willing to look the other in the eye. Ant turns off the TV and murmurs something about going to bed, while Dec quickly heads for the bathroom.

Ant lets out a relieved sigh as the bathroom door closes behind Dec. He has no idea what had just happened, but it was definitely awkward as hell. Maybe it’s just that today was an exhausting day and they are not ready for another big, utterly serious and honest conversation.

On the other hand, Ant really does want to know where they stand at the moment. Because, well, today was a big day for leaks and tabloid magazine scandals, but quite a few personal things happened as well – they had a pretty big fight, then they had almost-sex, then there was Dec’s panic attack thing and he was definitely trying to say something important to Ant at some point and… And. What happens now? Ant has no idea.

He clears away the remains of their dinner from the bed, then changes into boxers and a T-shirt and sits down to the armchair in the corner, listening to the sound of the running shower in the bathroom, thinking about what the next step is.

Considering that he just ended his relationship of twenty years with the woman that he thought of as “The One”, because he realised he would never be able to give up having sex with his best friend… Well, he is well fucked. Because, okay, his relationship with Lisa was pretty much doomed from the moment the secret of his affair with Dec was out – even if he hadn’t realised that right away –, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are to start dating with Dec.

What would they even do on a date? Go down to the pub, get pissed, joke around, then have clumsy, drunk sex afterwards? They do that pretty much every Saturday anyway.

Ant is stirred from his thoughts by the bathroom door opening and… oh wow. There is a shower-flushed, grumpy, but really cute Declan Donnelly standing in the door in nothing but a towel, dripping water all over the place and Ant can’t help but  _look_.

Dec is running a hand through his wet hair, but suddenly stops dead in his tracks and looks at Ant with a terrified gaze, ‘What? Don’t tell us, something fucking happened again, cos I’m gonna-‘

'No, no, sorry, it's just, er… Nothing,' Ant says, embarrassed a bit, because, come on, he's an adult and he should be able to stop himself from staring. Also, he's seen Dec after a shower like eight million times before, there's absolutely nothing new about it.

He stands up awkwardly, prepared to head to the other bedroom, when it occurs to him that they haven’t discussed it yet which bedroom is whose. He turns back around, opening his mouth to ask, but then he just leaves it open and there is no sound coming out, because  _bloody hell_ , Dec is really wet (seriously, does he not know how to use a towel properly?) and the way his face is all red and squishy and whatnot gives Ant a very serious flashback of their almost-sex thing from earlier today, which does not really help. At all.

'No, seriously, Ant, what's up?' are the words that leave Dec's pink, slightly pouty lips and okay, Ant doesn't know how to deal with that, so he just takes a step closer and kisses the other man softly.

Dec seems quite surprised. Actually, no, he seems pretty shocked. He kisses Ant back immediately (must be muscle memory, Ant thinks), but he’s clearly thinking something along the lines of _what the fuck_ and  _are you actually sexually harassing me again, because I totally thought, we were past that_.

Ant deepens the kiss and backs him into a wall, which seem to click on a light in Dec’s head, because he suddenly pulls away, struggling for breath, and adjusts the towel around his hips.

'First of all, you have to stop doing that, Anth,' he says, still a bit breathless, but completely serious.

Ant frowns, because, yes, it was a bit inappropriate of him and he does seem to kiss-attack Dec a lot lately, but that’s probably just his coping mechanism and also, ‘Why?’

Dec makes a face and gently pushes Ant away, so he can move out of his way and start putting clothes on.

'That's exactly what I was talking about,' Dec explains while rapidly pulling a T-shirt on. 'You take me for granted, Ant. You just assume, that you can bloody walk up to me and just, you know, fuck me or something.'

'That's not–'

'Yeah, I  _know_ , that’s not what you mean by it, but that’s how it comes out, like, okay?’

Ant stays silent, but nods, feeling a bit ashamed.

'And also, like, can we have The Conversation and talk about things before anything happens?' Dec asks him, showing his back to him, in the process of searching for underwear in his bag.

'Talk about  _things_?’ Ant echoes quietly, ‘What things?’

'I don't know, Ant,  _things_ ,’ Dec says, turning around rapidly, with a pair of boxers in his hand. ‘Like, are we a couple now or something? I mean, do we even  _want_ to be a couple? Would it actually work? Because at the moment you’re pretty much treating me like nothing happened and it’s just about the sex again and–’

'Oh, come on, you know it as well as I do that it was  _never_  just about the sex,’ Ant says, letting out a dubious little huff. ‘But, yeah, okay, I get what you mean. I’m sorry. I wasn’t– I didn’t mean to do that,’ he states and he really didn’t. Why is it his fault that Dec looks so fucking sexy all the time? ‘And we definitely should have The Conversation,’ he adds.

'Okay,' Dec says, 'Well. We have a live TV show tomorrow, so now's not a really good time, I'm guessing. We should probably, like sleep and stuff.'

'Yeah, okay. '

'Okay then.'

They stand there, staring at each other awkwardly for a minute. Dec is still holding his boxer shorts in one hand, making no attempt to put them on, while his other hand is restlessly fidgeting with the hem of the towel around his waist. He doesn’t move, so neither does Ant. Furthermore, he still doesn’t know which bedroom is his.

'Er,' Dec says after another silent minute passes by.

'Yeah?' Ant asks and he manages to stop himself from smirking. He knows Dec. And he knows where this is going.

'Do you wanna have sex?' Dec blurts out, avoiding eye-contact with Ant very very carefully.

'I thought, we just established that we should have The Conversation first,' Ant says, with a cheeky smile, but naturally, Dec knows that he's just fucking with him.

'Yeah, and I was thinking along the lines of, fuck it, I don't care,' Dec says, disapprovingly. He's not one for teasing, if it's him that is being teased.

'That works for me,' Ant tells him and it comes out sounding a lot more urgent than he intended.

They meet in a hungry kiss, right in front of the bed and it’s quite clear that this is just about sex now, not feelings and couple’s counselling. Dec drops the boxers, he’s still holding, onto the floor and grabs at Ant’s shoulders, deepening the kiss. They manage to fall onto the bed without breaking the contact and Ant lets out a whimper as Dec nails dig into his hips. He has a solid grip on Dec too; he climbs on top of him, kneels between his thighs and bites at Dec’s lower lip.

'We're on telly tomorrow, Anth,' Dec reminds him breathlessly, so he doesn't leave any marks or bruises.

'Speaking of Takeaway…' Ant pants, while moving a hand through Dec's still dump hair. 'I was thinking…'

'Yeah?' Dec manages in between two kisses, while struggling to remove Ant's T-shirt.

'…that we should change the thing,' Ant says, tugging frantically at the wet towel around Dec's hips.

'The first joke in the opening?'

'Yeah,' Ant mumbles, and he's not sure if it's a reply to the question or a reaction to Dec's hands sliding under his T-shirt.

'We should – it's rubbish,' Dec says, smiling at him, while leaning back a bit to take off the T-shirt he put on just a minute ago.

The conversation goes downhill from then on, but Ant is perfectly fine with it, to be honest. He kisses his way down Dec’s neck, lips meeting soft, still wet skin. Dec’s hips buck up and Ant can feel his erection pressing into his thigh.

He plants soft kisses onto Dec’s chest and places a hand on Dec’s left thigh, which makes him gasp. His eyes go bigger and darker as Ant reaches under the towel to take Dec in his hand. He would normally start with lazy, teasing jerks, but there’s no time for that now; his arousal is hot and urgent in his stomach.

Ant leans down to kiss Dec heatedly again, one hand keeping up the even rhythm of his strokes, the other grabbing at the other man’s shoulder, pulling him in, closer and closer and closer.

Their next kiss is soft and slow; they are in perfect harmony. Ant kisses Dec with everything he has, deep and passionate. In that moment there is no question about it in his mind – he wants to spend the rest of his life with this man, have a family with him, grow old with him…

He lets out a disappointed and pretty surprised groan when Dec squirms away from him mid-kiss, looking irritated.

'What?' Ant asks, confused.

'None of that shit, okay? No “rest of our lives” and all that,' Dec says, panting, but annoyed. He could probably taste it in his kiss. 'We have to figure that all out, but right now, right here – this is just sex.'

Ant nods. Well, okay then. He leans down to kiss Dec again and there is nothing careful about it this time, he kisses him like a one night stand would; sharp and desperate. He finally gets rid of the towel around Dec’s hips and works his hand even more urgently between their heated bodies.

There’s nothing he would want more than to grab Dec’s hips firmly, lifting him up a little, and thrust deep and long into him while his legs wind around Ant’s waist, but unless their hotel suite has a hidden stash of lube, that’s not going to happen. They would be usually prepared for this (Ant remembers countless BGT audition hotel nights where they  _did_  have lube), but they didn’t pack for themselves this time and Ant would have felt pretty uncomfortable putting lube down onto the little list of things to pick up from their houses they made for Ali’s assistant. So, that’s that.

Ant doesn’t really have much time to think about it though, because Dec’s moans soon become more desperate, his breathing hitches, and his fingers dig into Ant’s shoulder-blades, which means he’s close. Ant stops for a moment to admire Dec’s angelic expression – eyes closed, tongue flipping out to moisten pink lips –, then his hips stutter and he lets out a hissed ‘Anth’.

He thrusts up into Ant’s hand one more time, then he’s coming with a soft breathy sigh. He keeps his eyes closed for a second after he’s come and he even smiles a little, as if savouring the moment. But then he sits up quickly and pushes Ant off him; a man with a mission.

He climbs on top of him, not wasting any time, already biting and licking at the soft skin at Ant’s waist, just above the line of his boxers. He continues leaving little bite-marks while pulling down Ant’s underwear and it’s just so fucking hot and – despite his best efforts – Ant's hips buck up, right into Dec’s face. Dec grabs his hips with an annoyed grunt and pushes them down roughly, while he continues with the biting. Ant would normally let him have his way with him – Dec can usually get away with literally anything –, but he painfully needs something to happen  _now_ , because he’s been getting a hard-on pretty much since Dec stepped out of the bathroom. When Dec bites down on a sensitive spot just above his hip-bone he just can’t take it any more.

'Dec!' he cries out sharply, but Dec is still not touching him (at least not where Ant wants him to) and he doesn't even look up, he just smirks into the skin of Ant's naked waist.

The realisation that Dec’s always wanted to do this, but was holding back, hits Ant quite suddenly, almost like an orgasm, because, fuck, Dec can do this now – they don’t have to be careful with bites and bruises any more (except on their faces and necks, of course), no one else will see, just the two of them. The thought almost pushes Ant over the edge and honestly he really doesn’t need much more, his cock is blood dark and throbbing, hard against his stomach, already leaking.

Dec’s warm touch on the insides of his thighs is almost too much and when Dec finally (fucking finally!) grips his prick, one stroke is all he can stand – he’s coming hot and hard all over his belly and Dec’s hand.

Dec collapses on top of him with a quiet laugh, presses his forehead against Ant’s sweaty shoulder and murmurs into his skin in an endeared voice, ‘Well, that was rather quick,  _Anthony_. I was gonna blow you, y’know.’

'Remember today? You on the fucking fire-escape? That was pretty quick too,' Ant replies hoarsely and when Dec still doesn't stop laughing he nudges him frustratedly, 'Oh, you can piss off, Dec.'

The gleeful afterglow doesn’t last long however, Dec sits up after a painfully short period of time and throws a couple of tissues at him from the kleenex on the bedside table to clean himself up. When they are relatively less sticky and a lot less naked, Dec stands up to turn off the main light. Now, it’s only the two bedside table lamps illuminating the room and the atmosphere considerably changes.

Dec is still standing next to the light switch when he asks, voice gone all serious, ‘Were you disappointed when she told you, she wasn’t pregnant?’

 _Aaaand here it is…_  Ant knew, this was coming. He shivers a bit and he’s pretty sure it’s not because of the temperature, ‘Why would I…?’

'You and Lisa wanted a baby really badly,' says Dec and as he steps closer, there's something mildly threatening about his figure.

'Yeah, we did. But not like this, Dec.'

'Still.'

Ant groans in frustration, ‘Fucking unbelievable…You still don’t think, I love you enough to stay with you! You think I would have gotten back together with Lisa if she turned out to be pregnant? I made my decision Dec, okay?  _I left her for you_.’

‘We have to start everything from scratch now,’ states Dec glumly as he climbs back into bed.

Ant sighs, because that’s true. They had everything, didn’t they? ‘Yeah, but we have 25 years behind us, Dec. That’s not nothing,’ he says, trying to sound less terrified than he feels. This is big. It’s huge, actually. The two of them, finally together.

It’s not just about their relationship (although, dealing with that is difficult enough), it’s a lot more complicated than that. Because Ant remembers the last time, they were living together, the only time they actually had fights, the only time, when being Ant and Dec just simply wasn’t enough. Would it be different this time? Or will they end up as one of those showbiz couples who can’t stand each other and fake their smiles for the cameras?

'Are you saying, you wanna do this?' Dec asks him, lying motionlessly next to him, under the covers and Ant is almost sure, he's holding his breath.

'Wait, are we having The Conversation right now?' he asks back, voice unusually high and insecure, because there's no way he's the one saying yes first. He's not that brave.

Dec ignores his question and shifts closer to him – Ant can feel the familiar sensation in his stomach, as their shoulders touch lightly.

'I think I realised today how much I actually love you,' Dec tells him, voice low and serious and Ant  has to clear his throat to be able to speak again.

'Oh. Okay.'

Dec lets out an uncomfortable little laugh, ‘Sorry, that was a bit blunt.’

Ant laughs too, ‘No, no, it’s just… I mean, this is scary, Dec,’ he confesses, and being completely honest about his feelings with Dec is… well,  _new_. It’s comfortable and uncomplicated, in a way he never expected. ‘We never ever talked about things like this before and… When did you realise that you were in love with me?’

Dec sneaks a hand around Ant’s waist and buries his face into his shoulder, ‘I don’t know… When we first moved to London, I think. Why?’ he looks up, eyes shining brightly with curiosity in the dimly lit room.

'Well, I realised it this Monday, so youse might have to be a little patient with me,' Ant tells him.

Dec sits up at that, studying him dubiously, ‘You didn’t know, you were in love with me,’ he repeats slowly, while raising an eyebrow. ‘For the twenty years we’ve been having an affair…’ Ant grimaces at this point to which Dec sighs irritatedly, then corrects it to, ‘…a  _relationship_ , you had no idea, you were in love with me.’

Ant sits up too, ‘I knew that I loved you, but I didn’t know I was _in_  love with you… I dunno, it was just a thing that we did. It was part of our friendship. I never contemplated being with you or spending the rest of me life with you,’ he explains, feeling a bit a ridiculous. It’s true, though – he never thought about it until Dec brought up the whole thing in that dressing room on Sunday, staring at the picture of the two of them kissing.

Dec still seems sceptical about it. ‘It honestly never occurred to you, not once, that you might want to, like, date me?’ he asks.

Ant shakes his head.

'Oh wow, man,' says Dec and he lets himself fall back down onto the bed with a disbelieving huff, 'You're the one who always insists on calling our affair a relationship, but, you never thought it was more than just sex.'

'Of course it was more than just sex,' Ant replies quickly, 'But I always thought that those parts of it were there because of our friendship.'

Dec shakes his head and breathes in and out once, loudly. There is this strange, painful expression overcoming his face that makes Ant want to hug him tight and never let him out of this bloody hotel suite ever again. He doesn’t do that though, instead he just sits there in the dark and he listens.

'So when you married Lisa, you weren't rejecting me…' Dec murmurs quietly, looking at the ceiling.

'It never even occurred to me that you and me could be an option, Dec!' Ant cries out hastily, sounding quite defensive.

'That's… that's just– Oh, Ant. Fuck.' Dec covers his face with his hands, rubbing at his eyes helplessly. 'I didn't know that you didn't know,' he says then, the words coming muffled from behind his hands.

'I know,' Ant sighs and lets Dec grab his wrist and pull him down until he's lying next to him again.

Dec is looking at him frustratedly for a while with a sad light in his eyes. ‘We are so shit at this,’ he states then, before kissing Ant softly, who hums into their kiss agreeingly:  _But we are shit at this together_.

Dec smiles lazily, turns off the light on the bedside table and nods to Ant’s unspoken words, ‘Yes we are.’

Dec drifts off shortly after this, holding onto Ant’s T-shirt like his life depended on it, but Ant can’t sleep. His brain doesn’t let him slow down, no matter how relaxing and reassuring Dec’s warm body feels like, curled into his side. He starts doing something that he hasn’t done in a while – was so careful so it didn’t become an addiction again –; he starts making lists. Making lists was something he used to do a lot on sleepless nights – just listing all the things that worry him, everything that doesn’t let his brain shut off for the night -, but it soon became obvious that it was just making it all worse; he got so focused on his lists that he rarely slept more than two hours a night.

Tonight’s relapse seems quite bad, because it’s not just a mental list which will have no trace – apart from the dark circles under his eyes that the girls in make-up will fuss a lot about tomorrow –, but he actually clicks the light back on and gets out some paper and a pen from the night-stand drawer from under the standard-issue hotel Bible.

It’s around 1 am when he finally forces himself to stop and places his twenty-fourth list on the night-stand, painfully aware of the fact that they are going to be live on the telly in less than twenty hours for the first time since they were outed. He glimpses over at Dec, who is still hugging his waist tightly.

And at that moment, even though Ant usually considers insomnia one of the worst things in life, he’s almost fucking grateful for it, because watching Dec sleep, when he’s all soft angles and quiet breaths is just so beautiful. He can’t help but smile when Dec starts muttering quite loudly about king prawn curry in his sleep (which kind of makes sense, because Dec always gets hungry after sex), and that’s when it finally hits him: it’s not that he didn’t know, he was in love with him, it’s just that loving Dec was so comfortable and uncomplicated that he just simply never noticed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the Morrisons ad, if anyone’s curious: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKFQLMfa6QU


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here’s a bit of recap, because the last one was posted quite a long time ago... :)
> 
> We left our boys the night before their first Takeaway since they were outed by the Sun and things are not looking the best, even though by now they both more or less have realised that they belong together (duh!). Ant is writing lists again instead of sleeping to cope with his brain that just won’t shut down, while Dec is starting to realise that Ant’s always been The One for him, he just repressed his feelings. Lisa is thankfully not pregnant, Ali had a nervous breakdown (her heartbreak is finally catching up to her...) and as it turns out, it was the boys’ driver, Joe who leaked personal stuff about them to the tabloids (ouch!). Did the heated sex last night mean anything? Are they ready to have The Conversation and finally decide what they want? Will their live TV show in front of the entire nation go okay? Questions, questions, questions... Aaaaaand you all know me, I’m pretty mean, so naturally, this chapter won’t answer any of these. :)

Dec can feel the warmth of the sunlight on his shoulder; he comfortably buries his face into the softness of his pillow that smells like Ant. It’s a bright, fresh sort of morning. He smiles. The house has a lingering smell of eggs, beans, bacon and coffee and Dec couldn’t be more grateful that it’s Monday and they don’t have to work. They have an entire day to themselves. His smile widens into a grin.

He’s drifting in and out of sleep for the next twenty minutes and he’s half-dreaming, half-thinking about wallpaper patterns and colour palettes and how he would never admit it that he actually likes the whole house thing, because they are finally doing it, they are finally moving in together and the horridness of decisions such as cream-coloured or white bathroom tiles (that he swears, look exactly identical!) is everything he’s ever dreamed of. He eventually stirs when he feels a light touch on his hair.

‘Mornin’, love,’ he hears Ant’s low voice.

'You made breakfast,’ Dec murmurs, still not opening his eyes, enjoying the sensation of Ant’s fingers in his hair.

'Woke up early, thought I might as well,’ Ant tells him and he can hear he’s smiling. 'I’m prepared to eat all of it alone though, if youse are not coming, Declan.’

Dec finally opens his eyes and he has to squint because of the sudden brightness, but he can’t look away. Ant’s hair is all over the place, his smile is stammeringly cute, he’s unshaven and his brown eyes are sparkling with warmth.

Ant waits for a while, but when it gets obvious that no reply is coming and Dec continues to stare at him, he repeats himself, 'Seriously, Dec, if you’re not coming, I’m eating all of it.’

'Very romantic, that is, Anth…’ Dec grumbles, when he is finally able to tear his gaze away from Ant. Then he can’t help but add, while sitting up and preparing to not very gracefully get out of bed, 'I love Mondays.’

'Probably youse are the only one in the world, pet,’ Ant replies, laughing a bit. There is a slight pause, a moment of silent eye-locking, but then Ant loses his patience. 'Come on then, you!’ he says, reaching out for Dec’s hand to finally drag him out of bed.

Dec wakes up the moment their hands touch. It’s not the same when waking up from a nightmare, but his heart beats just as fast and as the realisation hits him that it was just a dream, he feels a sharp twinge of pain low in his stomach.  _It was just a dream._

They are not together with Ant, they are not moving house and they are certainly not making decisions about bathroom tiles. 'It’s not even Monday,’ he mumbles unintelligently.

'What?’ Ant asks sharply from the other side of the room with a toothbrush in his mouth.

Dec looks around the gloomy hotel room and shivers. How can the loss of something that he’s never had hurt so fucking much?

He shakes his head. 'Nothing.’

There is so much devastation and grief in his voice that Ant stops brushing his teeth and stares at him for a moment. 'Are you okay?’ he asks cautiously.

Dec nods, while trying to swallow back his tears. It’s stupid that some silly dream can affect him this much, but just the sheer intensity of it…! It all seemed so real!

He blinks a few times and takes a deep breath to clear his head a bit, then climbs out of bed and escapes into the bathroom from Ant’s worried looks.

 

 

It’s not that he’s surprised that it’s there, it’s just… He starts panicking because of how obvious and noticeable it is. Dec’s standing in front of the mirror in the neon-lit hotel bathroom and observes the grey hairs (no, actually they are patches!) in his hair, at the sides of his head. He’s trying to ignore the painful feeling in the pit of his stomach, but it still scares him shitless. He’s getting old.

There is a sudden knock on the door and Dec jumps.  
  
'Dec, we’re gonna be late, if you don’t let me in,’ he hears Ant’s voice from the other side of the door.

Dec feels a bit light-headed and he’s certain, he won’t be able to form actual words, let alone put together an entire sentence, so he just stays silent, but Ant continues with the knocking, so he takes a deep breath and finally manages a faint 'It’ll be just a minute…?’

He’s still examining his reflection in the mirror. And it’s not just the hair, what about these wrinkles on his face? Have they always been there?

'Then let me just get my hairbrush, man,’ Dec hears Ant again and he distractedly – not being able to look away from his reflection -  unlocks the door, then moves back to the mirror. He just can’t get over it.  _When_ did he get old?

He hears Ant come in, but doesn’t pay attention to him. He’s busy examining the dark and deep lines under his eyes and around his mouth. He’s touching his skin carefully with cold and trembling fingertips. Then Ant’s face suddenly appears right next to his own in the mirror. Ant looks worried. Well, he looks  _more_  worried than before.

'What?’ he asks Dec, frowning.

'I’m old, Ant,’ Dec says, detesting so much how childish and stupid he sounds.  
  
Ant turns away from their reflections and stares directly at him, as if unable to decide whether to laugh or cry.

'Aye?’ he asks carefully and very slowly, but Dec’s not looking at him, he’s still staring at himself in the mirror. 'Dec,’ Ant says softly, placing a hand on his shoulder.

'I’ve got grey hairs,’ Dec says finally to which Ant drops his worried look and pulls a face, even rolls his eyes a bit. Now,  _that_  makes Dec snap out of his curious drowsiness. He looks up at the other man sharply.

'Did you notice?’ he asks rather accusingly.  
  
'You’ve had them for quite a while, Dec,’ Ant shrugs and  _oh fuck_. How come, Ant is not freaking out about this? How can he just talk about it so casually, like it was nothing?

'Quite a while,’ Dec repeats dumbly. 'You didn’t say anything.’

'I didn’t know, it was such a big deal to you, Dec,’ Ant says, holding up his hands defensively.

'I didn’t notice,’ Dec admits quietly and turns back to the mirror. He stares for one more second, then he states with great determination, 'I’m gonna have it dyed.’  
  
Ant raises his eyebrows, as if asking,  _seriously?_  'You’re such a princess, Dec,’ he says with a cheeky smile.  
  
'No, it’s just…’ he can’t explain it. 'I look… I look older than you. We’ll stand next to each other and… They’ll all think, the people, the audience, they’ll all say; the shorter one looks old…  _I look older than you, Ant._ ’  
  
'You  _are_  older than me, Dec,’ Ant says, smiling, but Dec just ignores it.  
  
'I’m gonna have it dyed,’ he says again.  
  
'You don’t look old, man. And you don’t have to do anything with it, it looks perfectly fine,’ there is some slight annoyance in Ant’s tone that Dec really doesn’t appreciate.  
  
'Yeah, it really  _doesn’t_  look perfectly fine,’ he says coldly.  
  
'I like it,’ Ant says and Dec wouldn’t normally believe him, but he blushes a little, 'It looks… You know. Sexy,’ he blurts out and Dec stares at him for a while, a bit dumbfounded. Then he looks back at the mirror.  
  
'I don’t care, Ant – it’s not your hair and I’m gonna have it dyed.’  
  
'Hey, hey, I don’t… If you wanna dye it, I don’t care. I’m just saying that youse don’t have to.’  
  
'Yeah, I do.’  
  
'Okay. Whatever you say, Dec,’ Ant says and smiles at him again, consolingly. Dec stands there silently, staring at his reflection again. He thinks, he’s going to talk to the hairdresser girls at the studio as soon as they get there. Maybe they can have it done today, so he can look less old tonight on TV. If he skips lunch and…

He feels two strong hands hug him from behind and Dec unconsciously leans back into the touch.  
  
'Stop thinking about it. If you wanna do it, just do it, but don’t stress yourself out about it,’ Ant says.  
  
Dec nods and looks at their reflection in the mirror. They look nice. Ant’s hair is all over the place, just like in his dream; his smile is sleepy, but bright. They look _together_. Like married together. Dec is surprised by how that doesn’t freak him out at all, especially after yesterday’s Morrisons ad incident.

Ant buries his face into his neck and plants a small, possessive kiss on his naked skin. 'I love you just as you are, Declan Donnelly. I love you to bits,’ he murmurs against his shoulder so quietly that if they wanted to, they could just pretend, he never actually said it.  
  
Dec finally manages a weak smile, 'Yeah, I know, Anth.’  
  
And he doesn’t say it back, because he doesn’t have to. He just closes his eyes, and loses himself in the warmth of Ant’s arms.  
  
'We’re gonna be late,’ Ant whispers.  
  
'Just a few more minutes,’ Dec says and he knows, they’re going to be late, but he’s completely fine with it, if it means, they can stand there a little bit longer – only the two of them in a hotel bathroom somewhere in London, pretending that time is infinite and everything is okay.

  
  


Dec thinks, it’s quite an accomplishment, the mess that they managed to make in the hotel room, considering, they have only been there for a night. While Ant’s in the shower, he starts putting clothes back into bags and looks around for anything personal. Ali warned them, they shouldn’t leave anything lying around, because no matter how discreet the staff, it’s entirely possible that someone will find something that’s juicy enough for the tabloids, something that probably pays a lot more than a hotel maid’s wage. So Dec wonders around the room, looking for incriminating evidence, he even messes up the other bed a bit – the one they didn’t use – so it seems like someone actually slept in it. 

This makes him think about how unresolved everything is. Are they together now? They certainly act like it. But will they let the world know? Would that be even wise in terms of PR? Do they actually want to? Then he spots the stack of hotel notepaper on the night-stand. Pages and pages, full of Ant’s tall and slim letters. He lifts up the paper that’s on top, but he already knows, it’s a list. Ant’s writing lists again. He sighs deeply.

 _Books I Want To Read_. That’s the title of the one he’s holding and Dec notices, Ant’s handwriting was still neat at this point – must have been the first one. He puts it down with another sigh and turns back around to finish tidying up a bit, but then his brain catches up with him and it registers what was the list titled underneath the book one.

_Reasons Why I Don’t Deserve Him_

Dec lifts up the piece of paper very very slowly, not quite believing yet that it actually exists. His breath catches in his throat and he feels like tearing his (grey!) hair out piece by piece. He reads through the list, all of its 24 points and – it’s such a cliché – but he has to sit down. He reads it again and he can feel the helpless anger slowly swamp his entire body.

'Shit,’ he mutters. There’s nothing, he wants more than breaking down the bathroom door on Ant and demanding answers, making him understand that he’s being fucking ridiculous, but they really have to get going if they don’t want to be late, so… So Dec just sits there, reading the list again and again, tidying all forgotten.

Hearing Ant turn off the shower drags him out of his trans and he hurriedly gathers all of Ant’s lists, folding them in half and putting them into one of their bags where hopefully no money-hungry maid will dare to look.

'We should go golfing on Sunday,’ Ant says cheerfully as he walks out of the bathroom and they start discussing that, because golfing is nice and relaxing and they could really use some unwinding time, which means Dec has no idea how to bring up the list (and they are finally not fighting!), so he just doesn’t mention it.

There is a curious harmony between them as they get ready, the air in the room is buzzing with energy. They touch every time they pass each other, just a brush of fingers, or a lightly placed hand on the other’s back and though Dec feels nervous about today, it’s all safe and Ant’s presence calms him in the most peculiar and familiar way possible.

It’s weird getting into their car, and not hearing Joe’s familiar morning greeting. Dec doesn’t really know how he feels about their driver’s betrayal. It’s obviously quite alarming and still a bit unbelievable, but Dec has more scary things to focus on. Like the live TV show they have to do tonight, in front of the whole country, that includes jokes such as the one about new segment ideas like 'I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of The Closet!’ (“No, no, Dec, that’s not the title of the segment.” “No?” “No, it’s called, 'I’m a Celebrity, Get Out Of Me Closet!’ – we look through celebrities’ closets and laugh at their stupid clothes.” “Oh, right, right, yeah, sorry – but I almost got it right!”).

The crowd of photographers and journalists in front of the ITV building is bigger than ever and – Dec notices with an annoyed huff – it’s not just paparazzi any more; the Great British public made an appearance too. There are so many curious onlookers that they had to put barriers up.

'Don’t these people have better things to do?’ he grumbles.

'It’s Saturday and if I remember correctly, we’re the ones providing the entertainment on Saturdays,’ Ant replies cheerfully, but Dec knows he hates it too; he can hear it in his voice.

'Well, we’re TV presenters, not a fucking zoo, like,’ he murmurs.

'I wouldn’t be so sure about it,’ comes Ant’s dark reply, as they get out of the car and start walking towards the lifts - he’s not even trying to hide his discomfort this time.

Dec feels tense again. All the people standing outside, staring at them, like they were some exotic animals… Their audience tonight will be like that too, won’t it?! And the staring, well, he can deal with the staring, but what if they get… booed? His stomach drops at the thought.

They get into the lift silently and he feels Ant searching for his eyes. He looks up slowly to meet the other man’s gaze.

'Remember those horrible PJ and Duncan concerts when we used to get stuff thrown at us?’ Ant asks almost casually.

'You mean when people spat on us? Yeah, I can  _vaguely recall_  something like that,’ Dec says with a sarcastic smile.

'And we just laugh about it now, aye? We bring it up in interviews all the time and all that,’ Ant says, but his sentence falls a bit flat.

Dec raises his eyebrows, 'Was that supposed to be reassuring?’

Ant grins at that, but his eyes suggests, he knows, that wasn’t the most comforting thought. 'It’s gonna be fine,’ he says then and that finally makes Dec feel a little bit better. He even manages an honestly hopeful smile.

Ant continues looking at him in a way that’s probably supposed to be soothing, but actually comes off as 'man in lift is frightened and will throw up any minute now’.

The doors open with an annoyingly loud ding, they both jump a little and break eye-contact. Dec takes a deep breath and tries not to think about the challenges today will bring. He would do anything for his dream to be true now, he thinks. He would do anything for having to deal with the colours of bathroom tiles.  _Anything._


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so apparently, I have this thing about bathroom tiles...

Ant is still not used to the way everyone looks up whenever Dec and him enter a room. He's awkwardly observing his shoes as he walks into the green room, not really knowing how to handle the situation. Dec is right behind him, but there is a new sort of determined happiness radiating from him. Ant thinks, it's like, he decided that he's going to be positive from now on and not let anything get to him.

As they sit down, their knees bump and Ant's stomach does a weird little flip. It's ridiculous – he's known Dec for 25 years, been sleeping with him for 22 -, but he can't help it.

The script-finalising meeting starts infuriatingly slow, no one wants to explicitly mention anything that's personal to their relationship, which makes things rather difficult as most of the show is basically just one big joke about their affair.

By the time they get through most of it, Ant feels exhausted and worn out, Dec however is still sporting his new optimism; he's laughs and jokes all the way. Then they get to the question of guest announcer and even Dec stops smiling.

'So, how's the Simon Cowell thing getting along?' asks Becca, one of their executive producers and Ant sees Dec flinch.

They both let out a small sigh. When asking Simon to discuss the possibility of him appearing on the show, he wouldn't even take their call, let alone meet with them in person as Ali suggested. A day later however one of his assistants left a voice message on Dec's phone, saying that he might consider it and would get back to them about the details. Sarah Millican, who was doing it originally, had already cancelled on them – she made it clear in a friendly, but firm way that she didn't want to do anything with them and their lovely little scandal – so they took a gamble, and decided not to book anyone else and wait for Simon. But it's Saturday now, the show is  _tonight_  and Simon still hasn't given them any indication that he would be participating in the show, which – Ant has to admit – is fairly concerning.

Dec seems convinced that Simon is just “fucking with them” and will eventually come around and though Ant tends to agree with him, he's beginning to think maybe they overestimated Simon's friendship and camaraderie.

However, despite all his doubts, Ant vigorously shakes his head to the suggestion that they should call him again. They all look at him questioningly, but Dec is already explaining it, 'It's a pride thing. He'll come around, but he has to think he's got complete control.'

'Well, he pretty much has…' someone grumbles, but they all leave it at that.

Ant shares a meaningful look with Dec.  _I hope we're right._

'Worst case scenario, we move Keith from next week to today,' Dec says and Ant nods, despite thinking, there might not even be a show next week.

The script meeting continues and they get stuck with this one joke that no one particularly likes, but they can't come up with anything better. The tension from earlier seems to slowly dissolve; some of the guys are walking around the room, quietly laughing, trying to think of new ideas, while some of them are getting coffee. Ant leans back in his seat, relaxes a little, checks his phone (bad, bad idea – twitter is still going crazy), trying to prepare himself mentally for tonight's show. He can totally relate to Dec's fear of getting booed and it's not exactly a nice feeling that they have absolutely no idea how it's all going to go down.

Ant is busy thinking of possible escape routes in case the audience wanted to lynch them, when Dec – this time deliberately – bumps his leg against Ant's. Ant glances up at him, lifting an eyebrow.  _What?_

Dec seems different. His purposefully cheerful manner is gone, like he got tired of it and eventually just gave up – it's the real him now, bare, nervous and afraid. He is sort of just looking at Ant for a moment with something in his eyes that Ant can't quite place. It looks like he's going to reach out and squeeze Ant's hand, but then he stops himself, just shakes his head a little and looks away. But Ant knows exactly what that was supposed to mean.

'I'm glad, you're here too,' he tells Dec as quietly as he can and Dec – still not looking at him – nods at that. His face seems a bit colourless, but he manages a small smile. Ant thinks, he would probably die if he had to go out onto that stage without Dec tonight.

Dec then takes a deep breath, briskly stands up, fingertips gently brushing over Ant's thigh.

'I'm getting a cup of tea, you want anything?' he asks Ant.

'Er, aye, can you get me some crisps? Cheers, pet.'

As Dec leaves, Ant catches Becca staring at them from the other side of the room.

When she notices Ant looking at her, she smiles at him brightly and mouths, 'You two are so cute,' with a cheeky grin then turns back around to talk to someone else.

 _Weird._  Ant doesn't know how to feel about other people approving of him and Dec acting all couple-y – this is what they do, what they've always done and it has nothing to do with their affair or romantic involvement – so he just decides to ignore it. Besides, he can still feel the warmth in his belly caused by Dec touching him, which is distracting enough. It triggers a memory in him, an old one, that he hasn't thought about in a long a long time.

Ant can't remember ever discussing the topic, but he knows, they disagree with Dec on who said 'I love you' first and when. Dec thinks it was him, around the time when they moved to London, and Ant can actually vaguely recall a night that they spent cuddling on their sofa, watching telly, while eating as much Indian takeaway as they possibly could without throwing up, and absolutely not feeling guilty about it at all. He even admits that there might have been some 'I love you's that – contrary to their usual style – were not drunken ones, but… But the one that he remembers is from much earlier.

There were these group outings on Byker all the time, when some of the chaperones took the cast away for a weekend for a bit of camping and whatnot. Ant remembers this particular one very well; they were somewhere in Northumberland in five log cabins and Dec, him and Rory Gibson were sharing a room. They used to be quite close with Rory, but as they've grown older he just couldn't fit in with the two of them any more, he became a sort of an unwanted third wheel and they were relentlessly teasing him all the time, playing practical jokes on him.

One night they decided to lock the poor guy out of their room and though it started out as a prank, Ant remembers how seriously annoyed he could get sometimes when Dec and him were talking about something and Rory just suddenly turned up, expecting to be a part of it immediately. Which, Ant imagines, is probably why they felt it was justified to be so cruel to him. They'd outgrown him, but more importantly they grew closer to  _each other_  and Rory, naturally, had no place in that.

Ant can recall the mischievous spark in Dec's eyes, when he suggested, they should lock him out and sure, it was just some stupid joke, but they didn't open the door even after it stopped being funny and Rory announced in a high voice, sounding close to tears that he was going to go and sleep on the landing.

There was nothing sexual, or even explicitly romantic in their relationship back then with Dec, but looking back on it, Ant wouldn't dare say with absolute confidence that it was completely platonic either. They spent the whole night sitting on Dec's sleeping bag talking; mostly about girls, the possibility of a UFO storyline for Byker and Newcastle United – all the sort of things that teenage boys talk about.

But there was something in the air that night, the way they were huddled up close together in their sleeping bags, laughing intimately, while Rory was outside, occasionally thumping on the door. It might have been horrible of them, Ant admits that, but the feeling that it was just the two of them, that they had made a pact together, excluding everyone else in the world was something fairly new and exciting. It was the first time that Ant actually thought about how Dec and him just… belonged together. He's fairly certain that it was after that trip that he started calling Dec his best friend, and that was quite a big thing for him back then. He'd never had a best friend before.

They finally fell asleep around midnight, but there was a moment, right before that, a moment Ant could never forget, not even if he wanted to. Dec stood up, a bit drowsy, almost half-asleep already to… do something, perhaps get an extra jumper or wash his teeth or something, and as he did so, he found support in the form of Ant's thigh; his fingers were digging into Ant's flash as he prepared to push himself up. Ant remembers, the touch prompted something new in him, no matter how tired he felt at that moment.

'Never had a best friend like youse, Anth,' he heard Dec's tired mumbling and wasn't even fazed by the fact that he was just thinking the exact same thing. Ant was already quite used to Dec echoing things that were going through his own head.

He continued to stare at Dec a bit perplexedly, contemplating all the new and strange feelings in him caused by Dec's touch. And that was when he said it. It just came out like a sort of natural and automatic reaction to Dec's words, and he didn't think twice about it.

'I love you.'

Ant knows, he didn't actually mean to say it, he still remembers how horrified he felt the moment he realised what he had just done, because… Well, it was kind of crazy, and as far as Ant was concerned, 'I love you' was not something normal people said to their best friends, just sort of casually, at midnight. Or at any time of the day, really.

He was so afraid that Dec would laugh at him and make him sleep out on the corridor too and he was already embracing himself for denying he ever said it when Dec just leisurely turned back around and smiled at him sleepily, then got back into his sleeping bag.

Ant first thought that Dec didn't hear it and started considering even saying a little prayer and thanking Jesus for that one, because seriously, just  _thank god_ , but then as they were finally falling asleep, he heard Dec say 'aye, me too' as quietly as he was probably capable. At that point though Ant's eyelids got so heavy that he couldn't even properly register the fact that Dec didn't just not laugh, but felt the same way too, let alone muster enough energy to reply.

Ant smiles. It's a nice memory. One that shows the nature of their friendship; how (perhaps unnaturally) close they've always been, almost from the very beginning.

By the time Dec returns with his tea in one hand and Ant's crisps in the other, Ant has come to a decision. He's not quite sure why it took him such a miserably long time (he thinks, it might be because of the deeply engrained mental image of her and Lisa together, happy, with children and big Sunday breakfasts), but he finally knows what he wants and that's the most important, right? It's quite simple actually, just like Lise said. He loves Dec, Dec loves him and they want to be together. And even if it won't work out they'll still be best friends. They'll still be  _Ant and Dec_.

Ant looks up at Dec, feeling happier than in a long long time, and he wants to pick him up, kiss him stupid, tell him that he loves him and he really doesn't care that this is probably not the right time or place. What does their career or reputation matter compared to having Dec? It's not like last time, when he wanted to tell Dec that they broke up with Lisa, he's not waiting for the right moment, because he just wants to get on with it and start the rest of their lives together  _right now_.

Ant however doesn't have a chance to do any of those things. He doesn't even need to look at Dec, he can sense it; something is wrong. He looks up at him questioningly, but Dec is unwilling to meet his eyes.

'Can I talk to you about something?' Dec asks quietly as he hands Ant his crisps.

Ant's stomach does a flip again, but it's not the good kind this time.

'What's up?' he asks back cautiously, but Dec waves him off.

'Not here, Ant,' his dismissive voice makes Ant shiver and he stands up rather reluctantly, hoping that he is only imagining the darkness gleaming in Dec's eyes (oh, come on, who is he kidding, he knows Dec – of course, he is not imaging it). He follows him out of the room in grave silence.

As they walk down the corridor, Ant decides, the worst part is that he has no idea what this is about. He tries to think of all the things that had gone wrong recently and despite it being a really long list, he comes up with nothing that Dec would want to talk to him about right now. Maybe his Mam called again?

Dec stops in front of the closest loo door so suddenly that Ant almost walks into him. He follows him inside and waits patiently while Dec checks if there is anyone in any of the stalls.

'So,' Dec turns towards him, once he is sure they are alone. 'I didn't mean to bring this up before the show, but I can't let…' he trails off.

'What's wrong, Dec?' Ant asks, still hoping that it's actually nothing, and maybe Dec is freaking out about his hair again or something like that. Deep down, however, he knows that this is bad. Something is actually really really wrong. Dec opens his mouth and Ant is more or less prepared for anything, except for what he actually hears.

'You're making lists again.'

Ant jumps as if electrocuted. Dec's tone is mechanic and questing, although Ant can hear some worry in it too. Not that, this makes him feel any better. He doesn't say anything for the longest ten seconds – his throat is too dry, or maybe he just forgot how to speak –, then he runs a hand through his hair and he realises, he's sweating.

'Dec, you shouldn't- God, Dec, I told youse a million times that you shouldn't read those!' he says panicking. 'Those bloody things, I write them at two in the morning, for god's sake, it's not-' he tries to explain frantically, but Dec interrupts him in a calm voice.

'You're still  _you_  at two in the morning, Ant,' he points out. 'Those are still  _your_  thoughts.'

Ant blinks at him for a bit, then says weakly, 'I asked you not to read me lists, Declan.'

Dec snorts. 'And I asked you not to lie to me,  _Anthony_.'

Ant, honest to god, can feel himself going white. 'Wh- What are you talking about?' _Oh, please don't, oh, please please, don't, please don't-_

' _Reasons Why I Don't Deserve Him_ , number thirteen: Georgie's abortion,' Dec quotes viciously and Ant is sure, he's going to throw up.

'Dec…' he tries weakly, but no sound comes out. He can't look Dec in the eye, he is determinedly staring at the white bathroom tiles (or are they cream-coloured?), and even though he can't see it, he  _feels_  Dec taking a deep breath before he talks – he's probably trying to compose himself – which Ant appreciates very much, because he sure as hell can't handle shouting right now.

'Look, I'm not angry, okay, I just…' Dec shakes his head hopelessly, 'I just don't understand. I mean, I remember, Ant. Georgie never told me she was pregnant, she just told me that oh, by the way, she had an abortion and I thought that- I mean, you were acting weird for a whole week and I kept asking what was wrong and… Shit, I  _know_  when something's wrong with you, Anth! I didn't notice that something was wrong with Georgie, but I noticed that something was wrong with you!'

Ant finally looks up and he's surprised to see that Dec has tears in his eyes. He's as much of a mess as Ant is, barely being able to hold it together.

'I thought it was her decision,' Dec continues hoarsely, 'I thought, she didn't want children yet, or maybe she didn't want children with us, but… Ant, you knew about it before me, didn't you?' Dec asks, but it doesn't sound like a question at all.

The way Dec is looking at him is the most unbearable thing Ant's ever experienced in his whole life. Pretty much everything would be better than this and Ant catches himself wishing that it actually was all the stupid arguing and shouting again, all that awful stuff that they've been doing so uncharacteristically ever since Sunday, because this… Dec with a broken look in his eyes, just hiccuping up the words with so much disappointment and… Ant thinks, there is pity in his voice as well, and that's just- Fuck.

'And you convinced her to take care of it…' Dec finally manages and there is something on his face (distance is the word that comes to mind, but it's just so so much worse) that scares the shit out of Ant.

'No! Dec, I- She came to us and she…' Ant knows how desperate he sounds, but he doesn't care. He's trying to repress the sudden rush of self-disgust, in order to explain it to Dec. 'She just wanted to know if you loved her enough...'

'And youse told her, I didn't?' Dec's eyes go wild and though Ant doesn't really have time to think about it, it seems, Dec's not actually angry – he looks more surprised than anything.

Ant is trying to be honest, but the words just don't come to him. He doesn't feel strong enough to actually say it out loud what he told Georgie three years ago. It was a careless – but ironically very honest – moment and he hurt Dec in the worst way possible. 'I- No, I said, you were not there yet and-'

'Oh, quit lying, will ya?' Dec says irritatedly and Ant feels so stupid, because, surprise surprise, Dec knows him well enough to notice he's lying. Dec takes a deep breath and looks into Ant's eyes before he continues.

'First, it was just… I mean,  _Reasons Why I Don't Deserve Him_?' Dec asks him, voice slightly trembling; his accent becoming more pronounced. 'For fuck's sake, Ant, what is wrong with you? Stuff about how you should have noticed, I was upset when you got engaged? I don't care, Ant! I don't give a shit about that and I can't believe that you don't understand that.'

Dec impatiently wipes at the tears in his eyes then stills himself and when he continues, his voice is much stronger, firmer. 'It's like we're back to the shit from two days ago! You're just simply not willing to accept that I love you more than anything in the world and honestly, it's getting a bit ridiculous. And then it turns out, I wasn't even wrong about the whole Georgie thing, you did ruin our relationship and actually on purpose!' Dec's voice is angry, but Ant knows him and he's definitely not as outraged as he perhaps should be.

'Do you know what I just don't understand?' Dec continues and there is a  _here it is, this is the important bit_  kind of sparkle in his eyes. 'If you didn't think I loved her enough, if you didn't want us to be together, if you didn't want us to have children, why the fuck didn't you say something?!'

Ant shakes his head. As if that was this easy… 'I didn't have the right to not want you to be with Georgie and you seemed real happy…'

'It doesn't matter, Ant!' Dec raises his voice, finally losing his patience. 'Do you think, I wouldn't have understood it? It's me and you, Ant!' he tells Ant passionately, with so much determination. 'You could have just said, “Dec, I don't want you to be with Georgie, I don't want you to start a family with her, because I love you, but I love Lisa too and it's complicated” and then we could have-'

'Oh, aye, yeah, 'cos that would have gone down so well…' Ant interrupts him, laughing dryly.

'WE WOULD HAVE FIGURED IT OUT TOGETHER!'

The volume of Dec's voice takes Ant by surprise and he unconsciously steps back. 'Please don't shout, Dec,' he asks him, heart beating frantically.

Dec rolls his eyes, but mumbles a measured 'I'm sorry.'

Ant swallows. 'Okay, so I did the wrong thing. We were hanging out and I was drunk and she asked me if you loved her enough to raise a child with her and I said-' Ant trails off. It's embarrassing and... well, he's actually guilty here. There is no explanation, there is no excuse. He was selfish and he didn't want Georgie to keep the baby and he didn't want her to be with Dec. He accidentally glances up and it turns out that all he needs to continue is to look into Dec's eyes.

'I said that you would never love her like you love me,' he confesses, then before Dec could react to that, he goes on quickly, trying to save what's savable. 'But I never told her that she should have an abortion, and I had no idea that she didn't tell you that she was pregnant. Still, I know, it was stupid. It was a stupid thing to say and I should have talked to you,' he finishes, then – he can't believe, he's actually doing this – he turns it around and says, 'But you should have talked to me too. You should have told me that you wanted to be with me, because I had no idea.'

Dec blinks at him, perhaps a bit surprised by the turn the conversation took. 'I didn't know what I wanted, Ant, you know that.'

Ant snorts at that. 'Oh, Dec, come on now, man – you can't expect me to believe that. I mean, even back when… What about that morning, huh? When Lisa almost found out about us? And you said I was a heartless, blind bastard? Blind, as in, I didn't realise you wanted us to be together?'

'Are you serious?!' Dec's eyes go wide. 'I was angry at you, because I thought you were ashamed of us! Of course I said some shit about you…'

Ant interrupts him before he could actually think through what he's about to say. 'Or maybe, the whole thing was on purpose, eh?' he doesn't mean to sound as cruel as he does, but he can't help it. 'You were awake during the whole thing, weren't ya? What if I don't wake up in time? Would you have let her find out?'

'Anth…' Dec says softly, and it's written all over his face that he thinks this whole thing is ridiculous.

'You know what I think? That that's not the only time you pulled that stunt even,' Ant continues and yeah, okay, now he's pretty much lost all the sanity that he had left. 'It didn't work for you back then, but it worked for you pretty well now, didn't it?'

As Dec realises what Ant is saying, he makes a face that pretty much means that he thinks Ant is insane, but Ant doesn't care. Now that he's started it, he might as well finish it.

'This whole kiss thing was you, Dec. You finally had enough and you knew, I would never leave Lisa by myself so you got a photographer and youse kissed me and now it's all over the papers and everyone knows about it.' The thing is that actually Ant is not just randomly saying all this. Because didn't it occur to him on the very first day they learnt about the picture that Dec might have done this on purpose? And no matter how much he actually trusts him, this is exactly something like Dec would do. 'Happy now, Declan? Got what you wanted?'

Dec gapes at him for the longest time, then he asks, 'Did you just say, you would have never left Lisa by yourself…?' It's so typical of Dec to pick up on something like that and though he seems absolutely gobsmacked, apparently it's not because of the accusation that he planned this whole thing. 'So you were lying about that as well? Oh my god,  _she_  left  _you_ , didn't she? It wasn't you who broke it off, it was her...! Ant...!'

Ant knows that this is the point where it's gone too far. They are not even arguing about anything any more – they are just doing it for the sake of it. It's sort of actually even understandable considering the tension of the last couple of days and the pressure of today. Ant tries to stop himself from going further into this ridiculous fight, but the words bubble out of him – he has no control over it.

'You're shitting me, right? I've finally done something right, I finally chose you, and now you think I'm lying about it!' he spits the words at Dec.

'To be fair, you did just accuse me of hiring a paparazzi and outing us on purpose,' Dec replies and now his voice is much calmer; it's like he doesn't have the energy any more to continue the heated conversation.

Ant's not really there yet though. 'Well, did you?!'

Dec just shakes his head, 'Oh, you know what? Fuck you, Ant, seriously.' He sinks down onto the floor, prompting his back against the wall, like he can't take this any more. He doesn't look at Ant, but the request is obvious – it's unsaid, but Ant can feel it from the air. He doesn't even hesitate, just sits down right next to Dec.

The tension between them dissolves in a mere moment; the silence that settles in its place is tired, but not uncomfortable.

'Shit,' Dec says suddenly, evidently trying to process all that's been said in the last few minutes.

Ant nods. He's a bit ashamed of himself, to be honest. 'Aye. Shit,' he says too and turns his head to face Dec, already thinking of the best way to apologise.

Dec doesn't react at all for a while; he seems lost in his thoughts. When he finally looks at Ant his eyes are soft.

'It's not your fault that it didn't work with, Georgie,' he states quietly and wow, that's not exactly what Ant was expecting. 'If she thought I loved her enough, she wouldn't have asked you in the first place. It wasn't your fault – it'd have happened eventually anyway.'

Ant looks into Dec's eyes, but he doesn't know what to say. It's not right that Dec is not angry at him – he really should be. Ant tried to ruin his happiness – which he swore to himself, would never do – and it doesn't matter that he was drunk, it doesn't matter that he didn't think of the consequences at the time; it was cruel and selfish of him and Ant hates it more than anything that Dec is not concerned about it.  _Reasons Why I Don't Deserve Him_ , number six: he forgives me everything.

'It does mean though that she wasn't just completely bullshitting in that interview yesterday,' Dec says when it becomes obvious that Ant is not going to say anything. 'She did know about the two of us; probably figured it out after your drunken little chat,' Dec's voice should be vicious and cold, but he's just... chatting away idly.

'I'm sorry, Dec,' Ant manages to say, barely able to form the words, his face only inches away from Dec's. 'I'm so sorry.' Ant can feel one warm tear roll down his face. He is too emotionally exhausted not to cry.

'Well, it's true, isn't it?' Dec whispers, staring at Ant like he is frightened by the thought. 'I could have never loved her the way I love you. I mean, I  _trie_ _d_. Fuck, I bloody tried, but…' he takes a deep breath. 'I could never love anyone the way I-' he stops himself before he could finish it and Ant understands perfectly why.

They've never talked this much about their feelings for each other before – hell, Ant has never even talked this much about feelings with Lisa! – and it's all new and scary. They never contemplated how much they actually mean to each other. Ant wishes there was a handbook on how to do this. 

'I don't even know what we're arguing about,' Dec says then, looking up at him exhaustedly, maybe a smile hiding somewhere in his eyes. His accent is coming out stronger again and Ant thinks it’s the cutest thing ever.

He shakes his head. 'I think we're just having The Conversation, Dec.'

Dec lets out an annoyed snort. 'The Conversation should be about the future. What we want. Not all the fucking mistakes we've ever made.'

'You started it, Dec,' Ant shrugs and Dec's maybe-smile is gone as fast as it's appeared.

'No, Ant,  _you_  started it! What's with the fucking list? Do you honestly think, you don't deserve me?!'

Ant sighs. 'Look, we both know, I'm not exactly a lottery prize…'

' _Jesus, Ant!_ '

'No, Dec, you  _know_ that you could do better than me-'

'Oh, fuck,' Dec's eyes burn with a sort of anger and desperation that Ant hasn't seen since Dec's father died. 'This doesn't happen, Ant. Not with us. We're equal. We're us. We love each other the exact same amount. We know each other, inside and out. This doesn't happen with us. You can't think that you're not good enough for me, not even in your lowest moments. You just can't. We have the perfect friendship. We fit together.'

 _Reasons Why I Don't Deserve Him_ , number ten: he believes in me so blindly.

Ant sighs. 'Okay,' he manages, staring at the bag of crisps he’s still clutching in his hands. While he’s swallowing back his tears he tries to let himself get lost in the warm thought of the two of them connected the way Dec just described.  _We fit together._ It sounds like a mantra. One that he'll remind himself of in the hopeless hours of dawn.

Dec is not satisfied yet though. He makes a motion, like he wants to reach out towards Ant, but they never actually touch. 'Promise me, it won't happen again,' he asks him, not letting go of Ant's gaze. When he doesn't get a reply, he asks again, raising his voice this time, 'I'm fucking serious, Ant; promise me.'

'I promise,' Ant says, but he can't actually hear his own words because of the blood pounding in his head. It feels like, he's just been caught doing something that he really shouldn't have been doing.

'Good,' Dec nods a little bit victoriously and he makes himself comfortable, leaning back against the tiles of the wall.

Ant is pretty desperate to change the topic from his self-conscious pitiful misery and now that they are actually having The Conversation… 'Do you wanna talk about anything else?' he asks Dec, because they are sure as hell not finished yet. Loads of things pile up in 25 years.

'This is not the right time, nor the place, Ant…' Dec huffs, not really sounding up for more of this emotions stuff. Ant has to admit, he's not surprised – Dec has never been the one to be particularly open about things like that.

'This is as good place as any, and this is us, Declan; I can promise youse that timing will  _never_  be right.'

Dec looks at him for a moment wonderingly and Ant is aware that he's thinking about what else Ant might be hiding. Eventually a slightly cheeky expression appears on his face. 'If you're gonna say something cheesy like, “I searched my heart and decided what I want” I'll smash your face in, Anth.'

Ant's laugh is hoarse, but honest. 'Seriously though. We're going to have to start agreeing on things and we can't do that if we don't communicate. Let's learn from our mistakes, eh?'

Ant has no idea how they've managed 25 years without any major fallouts, while not talking about any of this – their repressed feelings, the pressure of their affair and all this jealousy.

'I'm kinda thinking, it's already pretty shit if we– I mean, we're pinky promising that there'll be no secrets from now the second time this week,' Dec says and he lets out a sigh. It's clear that he doesn't want to get into any of this.

'Fair enough,' Ant shrugs.

'It's not- I'm just not there yet, Anth… I- Can we- Is it okay if we don't do this now? I just want to get through the show tonight like.'

'Yeah, sure.'

'I'm serious, Ant – after the show we can have as many of these conversations as you want, just… Just not after  _all this_.' He makes a motion with his hand, indicating all that they’ve been just talking about.

Ant nods. He understands that. It's probably even wise to just take it one problem at a time, instead of trying to solve everything all at once. They'd go crazy.

'Can we just sit here for a while?' Dec asks then and there is something in his voice that makes Ant frown.

'Your head?'

'Yeah, started hurting about an hour ago…'

Dec moves closer to him, rests his head on Ant's shoulder, grabs Ant's hand, interlocks their fingers. Ant closes his eyes – he finds the combination of the cold tiles behind his back and listening to the sounds of Dec's even breathing very relaxing. It's like they are soldiers after the battle; beaten, but still alive, the only thing important that they haven't lost each other.

There are so many things that Ant wants to say, so many things he needs to tell and confess, but he respects Dec's request; he stays silent. He starts thinking about the way Dec wasn't actually mad at him because of what he said to Georgie, but how in some twisted and sick way, saw it as proof of Ant's love. He tries to see that as a good thing and not just another reason why he doesn't deserve him.

It's the small things that make love what it is. At least that's what his mother always tells him, and Ant is pretty sure, it's true. The way Dec is exactly the right height, so it's not uncomfortable when they sit like this, his head on Ant's shoulder. Or how their breathing adjusts to the other's after a while; in and out the exact same time. Or that Dec stands up for him, even if in the process he actually has to go against Ant himself.

As they sit there – who knows how long – Ant can't help but imagine what this'll be like in five, maybe even ten years. He knows, they will be still together – friends or lovers, he's not sure, but he is sure that they'll be still together, because he can  _feel_  it. The thought brings solace with itself, he's relieved, but it's sort of like a revelation as well – he can finally breathe freely again, because no matter what happens from now on, no matter how badly he fucks up, he is absolutely certain that Dec will always be there for him.

And it's not like he didn't know this before, but now he actually dares to believe it and that's a pretty fucking good feeling. All this, every shitty thing they went through this week means that they will never lose each other, no matter what stupid horribleness they have to face. It was a reminder, because somewhere along the years, between girlfriends, weddings and pretending, Ant forgot what it actually meant to be  _them_. And maybe, Ant thinks, while squeezing Dec's hand a bit tighter, maybe that's what all this fighting was about. Maybe he needed this to be able to  _believe_  in the two of them again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VERY important information: the Byker story about them locking Rory Gibson out is actually true. Yes, I’m completely serious!! Obviously I altered it a bit and added the whole ‘I love you’ thing, but still! This is from Virginia Blackburn’s “Ant and Dec: The Biography” and here’s Dee (a chaperone on Byker Grove) talking about it.
> 
> "Rory used to get the mickey taken out of him constantly,' says Dee. 'One night I remember in particular the three lads were sharing a room inside the main hall. We had been camping in the grounds but torrential rain washed all our belongings away and I think the owners took pity on us and gave us all disused rooms in the building. Anyway, Ant and Dec locked Rory out of the room and he spent the night sleeping, or not, as the case may be, under the extremely loud, chiming grandfather clock on the landing."
> 
> I think, you’ll all agree with me that this is absolute gold and I HAD TO include it! ;)


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for homophobic language. Also, I tried to lighten it up a bit, but I’m usually pretty rubbish at funny stuff, so let me know how it worked out! :)

Dec has no idea how long they sit on that toilet floor, but it seems like hours. It's like time is standing still, and while he is aware that they will have to get back to work at some point, he just can't make himself stand up and do it. Ant is squeezing his hand sweatily with familiar reassurance and the only thing that Dec is capable of wanting right now is a bed with a million covers to hide under. He's exhausted. He hates it that everything seems so hazy and way too complicated; he wants to make all his thoughts and feelings disappear so he can just focus on tonight's show and get through it with a sane mind. 

He's not sure, but he thinks he might even doze off at some point, because he definitely gets a scare when Ant's phone starts ringing. The noise echoes horrifyingly loudly between the mirrors on the walls, the sinks and stalls. Dec can hear Ant's teeth knock together uncomfortably – the ringing reaching the both of them in a place they thought was just theirs alone. A sordid reminder that no matter how hard you wish for some time to just adjust and catch on, life always goes on.

Ant answers the phone with a frown, then stands up slowly. He reaches out a hand to pull Dec up.

'Need us in the studio,' he murmurs to Dec who just nods at that blankly. 'Yeah, okay. We're coming,' Ant says into the phone, letting out a small sigh before ending the call.

Dec takes a deep breath, trying to make himself remember what it feels like to actually enjoy making a TV show, when the toilet door suddenly bursts open and a wild and breathless Victor appears.

'What the-?'

'Peter Fincham wants you in his office,' he says quickly, interrupting Dec. 'Like,  _right now_ ,' he adds and he kind of looks like a maniac.

Dec shares a worried look with Ant. It can't be good if ITV's director of television wants them in his office. On a Saturday. They were expecting this – ITV trying to interfere –, but on the day of the show?

Dec dares himself to have a quick glance into the mirror, but to his surprise, he has noting to worry about. Sure, he looks a bit tired, but it doesn't show that he was crying just a little while ago. He reaches out completely unconsciously to smooth out the creases on Ant's shirt at the back and to be fair, he probably wouldn't have even noticed he was doing it if not for Victor's creepy, curious looks.

They go out onto the corridor and the lighting seems weird and too yellow after spending so much time in the neon-lit toilet. Dec feels a bit more relaxed than before - Ant rests his hand calmingly at the small of his back for a moment before he turns to Victor.

'Can you tell Chris and the guys in the studio that we'll be late 'cos of this-'

'Already did, don't worry,' Victor dismisses Ant quickly, while taking the unopened crisps packet that he’s still holding awkwardly, out of his hand with a _you won't need that upstairs anyway_  sort of look. 'Oh, and your ex-girlfriend was here-' he turns to Dec casually and now that he's not panting any more, he is just as inappropriately cheerful as always.

'You mean, our manager,' Dec interjects a bit bitterly, but he doesn't think Victor even registers the fact that he is speaking.

'-she was looking for you, but I forgot what she wanted…'

'Great. Thanks,' Ant says rolling his eyes, as Dec and him get into the lift. 'That's really helpful.'

Victor just grins at them and while Ant pushes the 23 button with much more force than necessary, it occurs to Dec for a second that maybe Victor's whole obliviousness is actually an act that he's putting on.

'Good luck!' he calls after them, waving happily as the lift doors close.

They spend the lift ride up to the 23rd floor in silence, but Dec knows they are both wondering about how bad it can actually be. They've always had a great relationship with ITV, that's true, but they never really messed up this badly before.

Fincham's assistant, Andy – whom they've always considered a really nice lad - greets them with a nervous, but honest-looking smile, they do get a big stare though from Fincham's secretary.

'I swear, every secretary reads the Sun in this building,' Ant murmurs into Dec's ear, but Dec can't figure out if he's going for annoyed or cheeky. Probably both.  

They enter the corner office in tense silence, but perhaps a bit curious as well. Fincham is glaring at them in an overly-polite, but somewhat friendly manner, which is not exactly a very good sign. Dec glances over at Ant, who just shrugs, almost non-visibly, meaning, he thinks it's not a particularly bad sign either.

Fincham motions towards the chairs in front of his desk and they sit down, smiling back at him tightly, feeling a bit exposed and quite uncomfortable.

He is looking at them as if he is searching for something on their faces; signs of untrustworthiness perhaps? The silence drags out and Dec starts fixing the top of St. Paul's with his stare through the huge window to occupy himself.

'Oh, boys,' Fincham finally says, ending his silent punishment of awkwardness with a shake of his head, sort of like a jovial father who is shocked but amused by his children's behaviour, and while Dec isn't particularly bothered by the patronising tone, he can feel Ant tense up next to him.

'Let's get straight to the point, shall we?' he says, now a bit more businessman-like, but then his face lights up as he adds, 'Or not that straight in your case…'

Dec manages a polite laugh, but Ant is just staring at Fincham, evidently not very amused.

'Sorry, that was a rubbish joke,' he says upon glancing at Ant and he clears his throat. 'So. You know, I can't fire you because of all this,' he says bluntly, but then adds, 'And I don't want to actually. I'm sure, you're aware of the online survey that we did on your popularity, and you'll be pleased to hear that it has fairly great results, despite everything that's happened – I certainly was pleased. But obviously, you are going to have to spin this the right way, because approval rates will definitely drop as all the publicity dies down. And you have to understand that I'm doing this for your own benefit just as much as I'm doing this for ITV's sake.'

Dec can't help but think that his tone implies that he will shortly suggest something that they will really  _really_  don't like.

'We're handling the situation, Peter-' starts Ant with a pretty unfriendly undertone, but he gets interrupted.

'Well, one interview with the Sun that you've been bullied into is not exactly handling it,' Fincham says, smiling apologetically. Dec knows that his expression will only annoy Ant more, but he doesn't dare reach out to place a calm hand on his shoulder, afraid that would seem inappropriate and unprofessional. 'I mean, don't get me wrong, your ex-girlfriend is trying to get you out of this shit – very noble of her – but while she might be a good manager, she is working for you, not for me.'

Dec feels himself getting quite worked up too, because Fincham is directing his words at Ant and not him. Dec has a slight suspicion that he is actually very aware that Ali was his girlfriend and not Ant's and he's just annoying them on purpose.

'I need someone to handle the situation who represents the channel and not your personal interests and I would like to request your full co-operation on the matter,' Fincham continues.

Dec forces a smile on his face. 'You know that we're always glad to-'

'No, you're not. And that's okay. You don't have to like it. I mean, I don't really care. But you are of value to the channel, so I can't afford to lose you. And – although this doesn't really matter much – I personally really like you. That's why I hired someone professional, who's dealt with things like this before, to take care of this,' he turns towards his desk and pushes a button on his desk phone to talk to his secretary who's sitting outside. 'Claire, would you send him in, please?'

While they wait, Dec thinks about how they've always had respect for this man, although personally they never really had to do any kind of business with him. The Takeaway voting scandal was just a year before he came to the channel, so he wasn’t there for that and while in theory he oversaw the commissioning of all of their shows, he wasn’t the one they were actually working with. What Dec knows about him though is all good – he's a bit uptight, but really good at his job and a very reasonable man. He's not sure though, he will still agree with all that by the end of this meeting. He sighs. Well, that's the price he has to pay for being stupid enough to kiss Ant in public. _Or was it stupid?_

The door opens and they all look up. The guy that walks in has slightly over-sized, thick, black glasses and a pretty stupid moustache, he's wearing a pinstriped tweed suit and with his balding ginger hair, he basically just looks like a character Ant and him would come up with for an undercover on Takeaway.

'Hello gentlemen,' he greets them with a cautious smile, while tottering over and finally sitting down on top of Fincham's desk. (Dec sees Ant suppress a smile when he catches Fincham's disapproving huff at that.) He also has a pretty thick accent that Dec would place somewhere between Irish and Australian. It sounds ridiculous.

Dec studies Ant's face and comes to the conclusion that he looks exactly like someone who would totally laugh if this wasn't so tragically happening to them right now.

'Well then. I'll leave you to it then,' Fincham says awkwardly, standing up and Dec actually does appreciate the fact that he looks fairly apologetic for leaving him and Ant alone with this man. 'Mr…'

'Mr Rodgers. Mr Cleaveland Rodgers,' the man helps him out, but Fincham doesn't really look like he cares at all. He's one foot out his office door already.

'Yeah, Mr Rodgers. He will work with your manager to take care of all your personal affairs. I hope you will find him er… to your satisfaction.'

Dec looks up at him to see whether he meant that in a sarcastic way or if he's actually completely serious, but he's already gone, leaving him and Ant alone with the funny little Mr Rodgers.

'So,' he clasps together his hands in an almost comical way. 'As Mr Fincham mentioned, I'll be helping out with managing your personal affairs from now, on behalf of Independent Television.'

Ant and Dec share an amused smile at that. Dec doesn't think he ever met anyone who used the actual name and not the abbreviation, ITV.

'You will be glad to learn that I had many successes over the years in cases of similar kind,' Mr Rodgers adds, puffing his chest out slightly.

'Yeah?' Ant looks up at him with a sarcastic smile and a cheeky kind of sparkle in his eyes. Now that Fincham is gone, his whole body language has changed – he doesn't really seem to care about restricting himself to politeness any more.

'First of all, you're gonna have to stop this…' Mr Rodgers motions towards them, looking slightly disgusted while searching for the right word, '… _thing_.'

Dec can feel his face heat up and he's been so wound up and tense this last couple of days that he actually really hopes that – no matter how outrageous – this is heading to where he suspects it is.

' _Thing_?' Ant repeats, laughter bubbling up at the back of his throat. 'Can I ask; what are you referring to  _exactly_?' he questions him with mocking courteousness.

'You're sitting way too close to each other,' Mr Rodgers laments, scrunching his nose in distaste.

Dec can feel Ant's eyes on him so he looks up to meet the other man's gaze. They both look between the two of them and come up with the unanimous judgement of  _no more than usual_. They both shrug, but Mr Rodgers doesn't let it slide.

'From now on, you're going to leave at least one seat between yourselves every time you sit down,' he continues and it sounds more like a statement than a request. Dec is honestly past the point of shock now and he just lets out a small laugh, which prompts Mr Rodgers to say, 'I would actually prefer you to start this  _now_.'

Dec laughs again, while Ant says 'Yeah, I don't think so,' with an amused little smile.

When neither of them move, Mr Rodgers starts shaking his head worriedly.

'Look, I am trying to help you here. You have to get rid of these sickly tendencies that you have developed-'

'Tendencies?' Ant asks slowly, his voice dangerously slipping into the warning category, but his eyes are still sparkling with mischief.

'What you're doing is not natural, of course, but I'm going to help you get rid of it all, so your career can-'

'What are you talking about when you say not natural?' Dec asks, tilting his head, feigning curiosity. He's getting way too much enjoyment out of this, he thinks.

'Not important, not important,' the man mumbles. 'Let's just get started, shall we? Now, tonight you have a TV programme that you host, I understand?' He waits for Ant to nod curtly before he continues, 'How many women are there in the show?'

Dec thinks if he would have been drinking at this point, he would have honest to god spat out his water.

'I'm sorry?' he says, not being able to contain his laughter.

'Oh dear,' Mr Rodgers seems concerned. Dec enjoys that fact very very much. 'We need women in your TV programme. Preferably with not much clothing on. I don't usually like to go there, but your case is quite severe.'

'Hear that Dec?' Ant winks at him cheekily. 'Severe, huh?'

But Mr Rodgers is undeterred. 'Yes, yes, well. Let's see, what else? You're going to have to get married, Mr Donley, of course-'

'It's Donnelly,' Ant interjects, fairly annoyed.

'-and you, Mr McPartlin will have to renew your vows to your lovely bride.'

'Huh,' Ant says with an innocent little smile. 'Unfortunately, I am  _just_  getting divorced.'

'Oh.' This seems to stop Mr Rodgers in his tracks, but his face lights up after a second. 'Well, then we can have a double wedding! Ah, that's perfect, we'll find someone preferable for you Mr McPartlin and you two can have a double wedding.'

Dec honestly can't believe that this man is for real. He shifts in his seat, pretending to be excited. 'Oh, Anth, I've always dreamt of a double wedding – can we?' he turns to Ant, but he can't keep a straight face for too long, he bursts out laughing almost right away.

Ant laughs back at him and there it is; Dec can almost literally feel the will to live come back to him. Finally something that has nothing to do with emotions and all that nonsense that always leaves Dec feeling drained and useless and exhausted. Winding up this man with Ant is easy and it's familiar and it's black and white. There is nothing complicated about it.

'Look, in all seriousness, we do understand that you're just trying to do your job here, but I think we'll all agree that this is quite a bit ridiculous like,' Ant finally turns towards Mr Rodgers, this time absolutely sincere. 'You can't just come here and tell us how to live our life,' he tries to reason with him.

Mr Rodgers frowns at them disapprovingly – which makes his face look even more unreal – then says, 'Tut, tut. It's _lives_ , Mr McPartlin. You've got separate lives, not one joint life. You are not one person.'

That's even too much for Dec. 'Are you serious?' he asks, laughing in disbelief. 'Who cares that he said life...'

'I do, young man. You are going to have to stop with all this faggot nonsense.'

Ant and him stand up at the exact same second, in complete sync. The smile disappears from Dec's face as suddenly as it came and he can literally feel the anger radiating off Ant's body.

'I think, we're done here,' Dec says quietly, careful to not let his emotions take control.

They walk towards the door in tense silence and Mr Rodgers can only gape at them for a while. They are almost at the door when he finally calls after them. 'Oh come on, gentlemen! Naturally, we have our differences, but you nancies can be fixed if you just-'

'The word is gay and there is absolutely nothing to fix about it,' Dec turns back around, feeling his rage hot and low in his belly.

'You can fuck off,' Ant adds, just for good measure.

They walk out of Fincham's office and for a second Dec thinks, they are going to burst out laughing – he does kind of feel like a school boy, who escaped from the headmaster's office –, but then Ant swiftly turns to Claire, the secretary.

'You can tell Fincham that if this is the best he can come up with, he can fucking forget about us. Our career is not that important,' he says, voice slightly trembling with suppressed anger.

They get into the lift and Dec kind of wants to kiss Ant right now, but instead, he just rests the back of his head against the cool mirror and – still not quite believing what has just happened – he says, 'Oh, I needed this…'

He looks over at Ant, smiling.

'I'm gonna kick Fincham's posh, Oxford-educated arse, Declan, I am,' Ant says, half-joking, but when Dec just raises an eyebrow a bit sceptically, he adds, 'Don't believe us? 'Cos I bloody will.'

'No, you won't,' Dec shakes his head at him, still smiling. 'He's just doing his job, he didn't know this guy was like this. And he studied at Cambridge, by the way,' he adds, just to annoy Ant a bit.

'What difference does that make?' Ant asks him, frustrated.

'I'm just saying,' Dec shrugs.

'How do you even  _know_  that?'

'He has a paper of it up on the wall in his office like,' he says, grinning, which earns him a painful nudge in the back and loving smile.

'Don't be a smartarse, Dec.'

There is a moment of silence, then Dec – still not being able to take any of this seriously – asks, 'You're aware that it’s pretty likely we’ve just gotten ourselves fired, aye?'

'We can always go and work at the BBC…' comes Ant's immediate deadpan reply and they both start laughing hysterically.

The lift doors open with a happy ding and they are both still laughing as they start walking towards their studio. Joke comes after joke and Dec can't remember the last time, being with Ant felt this… brilliant. He thinks, he might even enjoy it a little bit, how all the people are staring at them now, because it's finally not because of the affair, but because of their uncontrollable laughing fit.

'You two look happy,' Victor greets them with a suspicious look, when they bump into him on the corridor.

'Storming out on a homophobic cartoon character does wonders to your soul, man,' Dec says, when he finally manages to catch his breath.

'Good, because your ex-girlfriend is back.'

'Can we refer to her as our manager,  _please_?' Dec asks pleadingly, but for some reason, he doesn't think his message is getting across. Victor doesn't even seem to notice that he said anything; he is preoccupied with rattling around with a bag of crisps. Dec notes that his face looks particularly smug while doing that.

'Oi, is that me crisps?' Ant asks him, fairly outraged, while Dec enquires about Ali, 'Does she look like it's good news or bad news?'

But Victor has already turned around with a leisurely wave, heading towards the control room, while eating Ant's crisps cheerfully.

'Oh never mind,' Dec backtracks anyway, when he spots Ali walking towards them, because, yeah – it's definitely bad news.

'There is another picture,' she says gravely, her heels clicking threateningly on the floor. She looks quite stunning in her grey dress and jacket, her blonde hair flying around and the way Dec's heart clenches as she gets closer confirms that he indeed still loves her.

'I'm sorry,  _w_ _hat now_?' he asks, mainly to distract himself from the thought.

'There is another picture,' she says again and Dec thinks he can also hear her mumble something about thinking Fearne Cotton was going to be hard to manage.

'What do you mean there is another picture?' Ant asks her, a cheery smile still desperately clinging onto his face.

Ali doesn't answer, she huffs and just pushes a tablet into Ant's hands.

'Oh shit,' Ant says and Dec thinks, as he's peering over Ant's shoulder to get a better look, that he couldn't have put that better. He suddenly wishes they were still upstairs, listening to Mr Rodgers telling them about their sickly tendencies.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyy :) Sorry for taking this long (again), I had my exams, then I went on holiday and didn't really have internet...! Anyway, here's the new chapter - I really hope you like it! Let me know! :)

Ant could still feel the adrenalin pumping through his veins and he knew he wouldn't come down from his post concert high any time soon. His whole body was full of all this crazy energy, the screams of the crowd and the rhythm of the music that his frantic heartbeat adjusted to. He was smiling so wide, his jaw was already kind of hurting. He waved one last time at the hysterical girls, then stepped down from the stage, instantly knowing Dec was following him; closely, right behind him. That weird sort of spark was still there between them from earlier when they talked, right before they went up on stage. Ant could feel the heat radiating from Declan's body.

As they walked down the stairs, stepping into the behind the stage area, the screams didn't seem to get any fainter. Ant felt Dec press a hand into his sweaty back, steering him towards that wall right ahead of them instead of through the archway, to the tiny back room, that was their dressing room.

They stopped there and Ant turned around, so now his back was against the wall, his eyes met Dec's intense gaze.

'Did youse mean what you said, Anth?' he asked, like casually continuing a conversation that just got interrupted a minute and not a concert ago, but the screaming and the blood still drumming in Ant's ears was too loud for him to be sure.

'Huh?'

'Before the concert like. When we went on. Did you- Did you mean when youse said, I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you?' Dec asked again and god, now that Dec was repeating his words back to him, it sounded so so cheesy.

Ant's mouth was suddenly too dry and he seemed to have lost his ability to speak. Yeah, he did mean it, he would never deny that, mostly because it was simply just  _true_ , but… It was kind of embarrassing to admit something like that, wasn't it?

Also, Dec's eyes seemed so much brighter in the darkened lighting, sparkling green-blue, piercing sharply right through Ant. His face was shiny with sweat and lit with this weird kind of awe; his gingerish hair all over, pretty much a mess. Ant had never seen anything so… he couldn't find the right word, because Dec was not a lass, he couldn't possibly- oh fuck it,  _beautiful_. That was the word. He had never seen anything so beautiful.

They both leaned in with feverish want, the only thought in Ant's head; just  _closer closer and even closer_. Then their lips met and the fire in Ant's belly perked up, spreading throughout his entire body and he grabbed Dec by his shoulders, bringing him in even more, so he was pressed up so unbelievably close against him – his desire was firing him to make the two of them one, to crawl inside Dec, to never let him go.

'I did mean it,' he finally managed, while trying to catch his breath, but not willing to actually break their kiss, barely even letting go of Dec. It felt like it would have physically pained him to be further away from him, even if only by an inch.

The desire burning in Dec's eyes, that feeling of belonging together, seemed too concentrated and powerful so Ant didn't even think Dec registered what he said, but he must have heard it, or rather probably  _felt_  it, because he pushed Ant up against the wall even harder and crashed their mouths together again with such hunger and lust, and his kiss seemed to say something like  _you complete me_ and Ant felt like dying, it was so so overwhelming; their bodies pressed together so tightly, too much passion, too much heat, too much-

If Ant didn't understand all the hysteria about the last picture, well, he definitely understands what it is about this one. Whereas the first one, the one that started all this craziness, was just a little peck of a kiss, this one is basically just full on making out and Ant has to admit that it doesn't look pretty. Like,  _at all_. He has a vague idea when it's from – definitely PJ and Duncan times judging from the horrible clothing choices –, but not the exact year. The moment Ali shoves the tablet into his hand though, he knows  _what_  this is, no matter how strange it feels to see it from the outside this time.

It's hard to describe, hard to explain what this moment changed in their relationship; Ant thinks, maybe this was when they finally found each other on an emotional level in their teenage lust or... something like that. What he does know though that it was one of The Significant Moments, the ones you usually don’t think about much, but they are always right there in the back of your mind, because they are important and no matter how small or seemingly ordinary, for some strange, unexplainable reason they  _change things_  and this one in particular definitely contributed to making them who they are today with Dec. And that’s the reason, Ant remembers the whole thing very very clearly, even though it’s just a kiss, even though it was such a long time ago.

Ali closes the meeting room's door behind the three of them and Ant thinks she looks a lot better than yesterday. Her easy smile definitely doesn't indicate that she just had to dismiss two incredibly anxious execs and a panicking TV director and explain to them very very patiently that the reason her clients still can't go and do their jobs is because they just got into the tabloids because of being incredibly dumb,  _yet again_.

'I have to confirm it first. This new picture...' she turns to them with a painful smile. 'It is  _you_ , right?'

Ant looks at Dec, but he doesn't appear to have heard the question, he's sitting at the table, staring at the picture with a slightly horrified expression.

'Yeah,' Ant nods, then for some reason, he doesn't exactly know why, he feels like he needs to protect the memory, like the way it got exposed on the internet needs balancing out and he adds, 'Well, I mean, it definitely  _looks_  like us.'

'I don't remember,' Dec joins the conversation finally, still looking pretty dumbfounded. 'It's not like, I don't really remember it very well, it's like…  _Nothing_. I have no memory of this whatsoever.'

Ant is sure that Dec is pretending too – it's easier to say they don't remember it than having to share something so intimate with Ali, or anyone else, exposing it even more. Now that it's all over the internet, it doesn't really matter they tell Ali or not what the kiss meant for them, right?

'Well, to be fair, it was a pretty long time ago,' Ant shrugs.

Dec looks up at that. 'Are you saying that you remember this?'

The tone takes Ant by surprise. Would it be possible that Dec actually can't remember this? Maybe he's not pretending at all, maybe he just simply can't recall anything about this kiss, maybe he has no idea when this is from, what Ant said to him that night, what Dec told him with his kiss… The idea sends an uncomfortable shiver down Ant's spine.

'Well, no, I'm just saying, that it  _is_  us,' he says finally, after clearing his throat and composing himself a bit.

Ant glances at the picture again to distract himself from this thought and he can't help but sigh. It might have felt amazing to be there in that moment, being so so close to Dec, but he has to admit; from the outside, it's not very… nice.

The photo is not the best quality anyway; it's kind of blurry and dark, especially compared to all the HD pictures they are used to nowadays, but it's still quite recognisably him and Dec, snogging each other – not very tastefully – against some wall, somewhere backstage at a PJ and Duncan concert. It's pretty dodgy.

He's wearing a cap (thank god for small miracles and it's not the spiky disaster  _thing_!), Dec still has his school boy haircut with the side-bangs, but there are highlights in it. They look very young and very horny. Ant can't look away from it and he has a quick deja vu to last Monday, when he was staring at a different picture, but the saying, practice makes perfect doesn't seem to apply here, because he feels just as horrified as he felt back then. Why is this happening to them bloody again?

'If I had to guess, I would say, almost right after Byker,' Ant continues with the act; he doesn't really know why. Perhaps he just wants a reaction from Dec that proves that he remembers it too. 'So, that's what, '94?' he looks at Dec, sort of expectantly, but what he's waiting for doesn't come.

'What does that even matter?' Dec snaps at him.

Ant gives him a look,  _oh come on, man, you don't have to take it out on me!_ , but Dec doesn't look him in the eye, like he was afraid of what he would say or do if he did. So he does remember…?

'Well, thankfully, this is not really new in a way that it only confirms what you've already said about your relationship earlier. Thank god, we went with the truth and didn't try to sell it as something recent,' Ali says, laughing a little when the conversation comes to a standstill, but apparently they are not ready to move on to more constructive topics.

'I just- I don't…' Dec is shaking his head, at a loss for words. 'How do they even  _have_  this?' he asks then.

'It's cropped out of a picture accidentally taken at a PJ and Duncan gig. It's been brushed up and brightened quite a lot – you can't really see anything on the original, it's way too dark. Apparently the woman who took it didn't even notice it at the time, but when the news came out about you on Tuesday, she went back to look at the pictures and well…'

'How do you know all this?' Ant asks her wonderingly, scrolling through the web page on Ali's tablet. 'There's nothing about it in the article…'

'I'm your manager. It's my job to know,' she says with a small smile and for some reason that instantly relaxes Ant. Somehow it means that everything's gonna be fine. 'It doesn't look like she has any more of these, but the very existence of the photo means that it's not impossible that someone else has another one somewhere,' she continues.

The whole thing is so ridiculous and painful that Ant feels like laughing. 'I have no idea how we've gotten away with this for 20 years. Like, what the fuck were we even thinking?' he says motioning animatedly towards the tablet, even though he knows exactly that this wasn't just a casual, random moment of tenderness; this was something special. 'We're barely even off the stage after the gig and it's just…'

'I believe,  _disturbing_  is the word you're looking for there, Ant,' Dec says deadpan, and while Ant can't tell if he's joking or not – probably Dec can't decide it either – the word perfectly describes the way they are trying to essentially, well.... swallow each other whole on the photo.

Ant nods. 'Yeah. Disturbing. Aye.'

Ali rolls her eyes in way that means,  _still not very constructive_. 'Well,' she says switching into full on manager mode. 'What we're gonna do is act quick. We have to get this out of circulation. Almost all tabloid websites already picked it up and both the Sun and the Mirror are planning to run it in print as well. And we are going to try and stop that, because you'll agree with me that it's not the… um, most flattering picture of you two.'

They both let out a sarcastic chuckle.  _No kidding_.

'The first one was okay. It was even, you know...  _cute_.' It definitely looks like, it pains her to say that, to talk about them like that and Ant feels a sharp twinge of guilt, but Ali continues like nothing happened. 'But we can't have this one all over the internet.'

'So, what do we do?'

Ali holds back her breath and makes a face that means they are not going to like this. 'We take new pictures,' she blurts out finally.

There is a moment of absolute silence, but then Dec and him – without even looking at each other – say a perfectly synchronised 'No.'

Ant looks up at Dec, who is staring at Ali with wide eyes. 'You're kidding, right?'

'Okay, then let me ask you this. How important is your career to you?' Ali asks back grumpily, which prompts Ant to think of what he said to Peter Fincham's assistant only a little while ago, about their career not being important enough to endure some homophobe wanker’s abuse. Apparently, Dec is thinking about the same thing, because his sour expression suddenly turns a lot brighter.

'Oh, that reminds me,' he says, exchanging a confidential look with Ant and he somehow seems really calm and… yes, even mischievous. 'Peter Fincham probably wants to kill us.'

Ant fails to suppress a chuckle, but Ali doesn't seem that entertained.

'What the hell did you do  _now_?'

Dec looks like he's trying real hard to take this seriously, but he's kind of failing at it. 'We might have told this guy that he hired to manage our personal things to… fuck off?'

Ali rolls her eyes. ' _Great_. You know, for years I thought you were the most professional people that I've ever met and now… Now it's all shouting at journalists, snogging in public and telling people to fuck off.'

Dec can't hold his smile back any more and says, 'I guess, we're ehm…  _sorry_?'

'Oh, piss off, Dec,' Ali snaps at him, but now she's smiling too. 'I'll take care of it. But that means you have to do the pictures,' she bargains with them on an even voice.

'What kind of pictures are we talking?' Ant asks carefully.

'Er, well,' she seems hesitant, which suggests this is going to be awkward. 'We need something pretty juicy to push this one out of circulation, so I was thinking either a proper kiss or if you  _really really_  don't wanna go there, holding hands.'

'You mean in public?' Ant asks to clarify, even though he knows the answer.

'Of course, I mean, in public,' Ali rolls her eyes. 'We need nice pictures that are public, therefore are newsworthy and will be able to push  _this horribleness_  out of circulation. Go to a park, walk around, sit on a bench, whatever. And I tip off a couple of paparazzi about it that I know. Guys that I trust. They won't be up in your face or anything, just pictures from a distance, you won't even notice anything.'

There is a slight pause in the conversation and Ant knows that they are going to have to say yes to this, but that doesn't mean they will go down without a fight.

'You do know, we have a live TV show in like 8 hours, right?' Dec asks her bitterly. 'We're not exactly time millionaires here, so we can't just go out to a park to walk around idly…'

'From what I hear you have plenty of time to disappear in the middle of script meetings though?' Ali interrupts him and Ant can see the way Dec flinches, despite the fact that Ali's tone is light and playful.

Ant swallows. 'We had to have a private conversation.'

'In the toilet?' she asks, teasing them, sort of like a sibling would do. She clearly has no idea that she’s stomping right into the complicated mess that their relationship is at the moment.

Ant manages an awkward laugh. 'Okay, I admit, it definitely sounds like we were having sex in a toilet, while we should've been working, but I can assure you, that's not what happened, I mean...' he accidentally glances at Dec and his face makes Ant bite back the end of the sentence;  _there was crying involved_. Ali doesn't have to know everything.

'I just… don't wanna know,' she confirms that firmly, shaking her head, and yeah, now it's got a bit away from her. She takes a deep breath. 'So. I go and try to convince Peter Fincham that he shouldn't fire your rude and unprofessional arses and you go and accidentally have your pictures taken. Do we have a deal?'

They are both just staring at her, Dec seems to be thinking about pros and cons, his tongue slipping out to moisten his lips.

'You get to keep your dignity this way,' Ali tries to reassure them when it becomes clear, they are both staying silent and Ant can't help but think that the dignity ship has sailed a pretty long time ago. 'You are actually going out there, doing what you should have done ages ago; you're going public with it. That's a good thing!' she points out and that seems to kind of convince Dec, but Ant is worried about something else.

'Ali, you do know, we're not actually…'  _together_ , is what Ant wants to say, but he cuts himself off. Now that he's thinking about it, he doesn't actually know if they are or not. They haven't gotten to that point of The Conversation yet.

'What?' Ali asks him impatiently when he doesn't continue, seemingly totally oblivious.

Ant can feel Dec looking at him;  _he_  obviously knows what Ant wanted to say. Suddenly his throat feels too dry.

'Nothing,' he manages and he doesn't really know what makes him decide to just leave it, but he certainly feels like it's the right decision. Whatever. They'll figure it out.

'Okay then,' Ali nods, 'What's that park called, the one that's just round the corner?'

'What, Bernie Spain Gardens?' Dec frowns at her.

'Yep, that's the one.'

'You know, it's not going to be empty, right?'

She makes a dismissive little hand gesture. 'It's March. It's cold. There's gonna be like one mum who can't get her kid to shut up and two old ladies who have nothing to do with their lives. I am confident that you have the abilities to deal with a crying baby and two grandmas yelling obscenities at you and perhaps mumbling about the two of you going to hell. The being caught at snogging publicly part shouldn't be a problem either – you seem to be  _pretty_  good at that. '

'That's nice, thanks,' Dec says, making a face.

Ali smiles back at Dec and their relationship almost seems like how it was before they started dating. There's some sexual tension, a fair amount of flirting and teasing, but nothing too serious. Oh, it used to make Ant so fucking jealous!

'Oh, there is something else and you're not going to be happy about it,' Ali looks up suddenly.

'That's okay,' Dec mumbles, grinning a little. 'I can't really remember what it feels like to be happy, so just go ahead…'

Ali shakes her head. She appreciates Dec's try, but it's not going to be funny. 'It's your driver again,' she says and Ant swears the room suddenly gets a few degrees cooler. Ali looks up at them. Dec seems sort of mildly annoyed, like he can't really decide whether to be angry or not. Ant on the other hand can feel himself wind up. This is betrayal in its worst form. They trusted Joe, they were so comfortable with Joe…! He even cracked a joke with him on the way to work on the very day the whole thing came out, and now he's doing...  _this_.

Ali lets out a frustrated huff; she hates it too, because it means that they are not only attacked from the outside, but the inside as well. Makes it all the more complicated. 'This time, it's trust issues and Ant always choosing Lisa.'

'Oh, for fuck's sake-' it bubbles out of Ant, but Ali interrupts him in a firm voice; not letting it get out of control.

'We're going to have to sit down and write a list of things that you said in front of him,' she says calmly. 'It's not as bad as it sounds,' she tries to reassure them. 'But I do think, it's time for legal action. I'm guessing there was a secrecy clause in his contract and I already talked to legal people at ITV and they are willing to help you out with that.'

'Okay,' Ant nods and he hears Dec sigh. This is what it's come to now… They look at each other, their eyes lock.  _What a mess._

There is a quiet, almost shy knock on the door and an intern enters.

'There is someone called Cleaveland Rodgers here for you, Miss Astall?' she says, a bit taken aback by the fact that both Ant and Dec start laughing at that. Ali just seems confused, but when the intern girl adds, 'He said, Peter Fincham sent him,' there is recognition on her face.

The intern leaves and Ali turns to the two of them. 'He's the one you-?'

They both nod before she could finish the question.

'And you actually said the words fuck off? Great,' she seems equally amused and annoyed to have to deal with this.

'Well, good luck with that – we're off to the park!' Dec says with a sour, but incredibly sarcastic smile and he stands up to follow Ant to the door.

'Guys?' Ali calls after them, her voice strangely gentle this time. 'If- If anything happens, call me and I get someone to pick you up and bring you back.'

'Yeah, thanks, Ali,' Ant says, looking back, trying to look as grateful as he can.

He holds the door open for Dec and starts wondering if that's a relationship thing too, him holding the door for him. Or maybe it has nothing to do with anything and he's always just done that, because his mam raised him to be polite. He questions all kinds of things like that nowadays, but doesn't really find answers to any of them.

They are already half way down the corridor when he musters enough courage to say what he has to say, 'I need to call Lisa.'

He sort of expects Dec either to be confused or pretend to be calm, but he just simply nods.

'To tell her about the park pictures,' he says, but it doesn't sound like a question. He seems to accept, if maybe not completely understand it and that's more than enough for Ant. He tends to forget how effortlessly they do this whole unconditional love thing.

'Yeah,' Ant smiles at him, indescribably thankful for just having  _him_  by his side, and not someone else.

Dec smiles back – perhaps a bit tightly –, his tongue flips out to moisten his pink lips. 'I'll go and talk to Chris and the execs,' he says then, starting a new topic. 'I'm sure they're gonna be over the moon when they hear we still can't rehearse yet.'

Ant manages a faint laugh. Now that he's told Dec, the other big task is talking to Lisa, and Ant is not sure that's going to go down this smoothly. Lisa asked him to inform her of things like that though, so she's not taken by surprise and, well, Ant definitely owes her this much. Oh, and so much more. He left her for a man, for god’s sake, and it’s not like he doesn’t love her...!

Ant looks up and realises that Dec's still expecting him to react to his comment about the crew and producers not being happy with the further delay of rehearsal.

'We wouldn't even be in on a normal Saturday yet,' he reminds Dec softly, glancing at his watch. 'It's gonna be fine,' he says as reassuringly as possible, but he's not sure that even he believes that.

'Yeah, well, we did have to re-write the entire show,' Dec says, raising an eyebrow, but already turning away, in the general direction of the studio.

Something about that – the sight of Dec leaving – makes Ant want to feel close to him; as close as he can. Just  _closer closer closer and even closer_ , he thinks dryly, but thank god he's not a teenager pretending to be a rapper/pop star any more and he doesn't jump Dec and start snogging him right then and there on the corridor. Anyone who says being a teenager was great is lying, he decides. It was a big mess of disgusting haircuts and awful horniness and Ant couldn't be happier that they are past that. Well, they are not exactly past the publicly kissing thing or the horniness, but at least the haircuts.

'Dec?' Ant finally calls after him; feeling a bit afraid, and perhaps a bit silly as well. He has to know though. He just has to.

'Yeah?' he turns around, looking grumpier than ever, but maybe that's just Ant's imagination.

'You honestly can't remember?' Ant asks, hating the sound of his voice wavering with a bit of doubt, but Dec doesn't seem to notice his uncertainty, he just looks at him with widened eyes.

'Don't be daft, of course I can,' he replies eventually, kind of rolling his eyes, as if saying,  _really, how could I forget it?_  'You told us, I was the best thing that ever happened to you and while that's of course true-' Ant can't help, but make a face at that, while Dec just grins at him cheekily, '-, because, I mean, you're such a miserable git, Anth…' Another bright smile here, 'But, you know,' he shrugs. 'I appreciate it.  _I still do_ ,' he says, his voice turning sincere.

He's looking into Ant's eyes and he knows that Dec knows too – despite what Ali says – that there's not going to be any other pictures. It was a one time thing, a moment this intense; when being careful couldn't have mattered less, when the only thing they could think of was each other and that clouded their judgement. There are not going to be any more photos like that, because there weren't any more kisses like that.

And of-fucking-course, Dec remembers. Ant is so guilty about feeling relieved, but at the same time, it's just so good, because it's proven once again that he can trust Dec to always just be…  _Dec_. 'Love you,' Ant tells him before he could even realise what he's saying, his tone is kind of like it would be when casually saying goodbye at the end of the day. Dec pauses for a second.

'Yeah,' he says. 'You too,' then he turns around, smiling faintly, like there was something amusing about all this, about Ant; an inside joke that only he understands.

Ant doesn't really mind. He smiles too. He forgot to ask about the other thing, but maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe they  _are_  together.

He's still thinking about this whole mess they've gotten themselves into again and all this kissing in a park situation – and  _oh god_ , he's gonna have to call Lisa in a minute! – when he accidentally walks into Ashley Roberts. It's not like in the movies, it's not cute or adorable or clumsy, he actually, quite literally just walks into her. Their shoulders bump pretty hard and for a moment he doesn't even know what happened, it's all just confused weirdness and an unbelievable amount of blonde hair everywhere.

'Hey,' Ashley says once they've both gotten over the shock and Ant is still amused by how she's capable of making just one word sound so bloody American.

'Hiya Ashley,' he says with an exhausted sort of smile, because he figures if he appears to be tired, the conversation might not last that long.

'Er… You okay?' Ashley asks and Ant can't help but let out a sarcastic chuckle.  _No, not really. Not okay at all._

'Yeah, we're fine,' he says instead.

She gives him a look at that and Ant belatedly realises that she was only asking about him, not the both of them.

She quickly recovers from the weird situation though and she smiles at him brightly, like she would at the cameras. 'The show looks  _awesome_. It's pretty funny,' she says.

To be fair, Ant couldn't really care less about her opinion on the show – he pretty much just wants to go and quickly call Lisa, so he can finish the phone conversation before Dec returns. 'Thanks,' he murmurs distractedly, gripping his phone tightly in his pocket.

'Gee, you sound enthusiastic…' she laughs. 'Is it the Piers Morgan thing?'

Ant looks up at that. 'What Piers Morgan thing?'

'Oh,' she says, frowning a bit. 'It's nothing,' she tries to shrug it away, but Ant's still looking at her quizzically, so she finally explains. 'Well, he just tweeted something about- You know what? Don't worry about it. You're amazing.'

Ant looks at her for a moment, then he decides that he can always just find out about the Piers Morgan thing later.

'Thanks,' he says, smiling as warmly as he can manage, because he does appreciate Ashley being nice and supportive.

'Have a great show,' she says, sounding even more American if that's even possible and she pats him on the back.

'Aye, you too. See you later.'

  


About half an hour later, they're still in ITV towers and not in a park wandering around idly, posing for photographers. Ant's phone call with Lisa was more emotional and less angry than he expected and while none of his guilt, nor the love he feels towards her subsided in any way yet, he sort of thinks, he can see how this'll work after their divorce and everything. He's headed towards his dressing room to get a cigarette and plans on sneaking out to somewhere that's not flooded with paparazzi yet to just have a quick, much needed, relaxing smoke, when he hears Dec's voice coming down the corridor. It stops him dead in his tracks.

'Hey, Jill, sorry, have you seen Ant?' Dec asks someone, and while Ant can't see him yet, there is definitely something in his voice that sends shivers down his spine. The bad kinds. 

Ant thinks, it's like Dec's panicking, but composing himself enough so other people don't know. Ant of course can hear it in his voice and he starts walking faster. He knows, something's wrong, he can feel it.

Jill says an apologetic, but friendly no and Ant can hear her walk away. Ant turns the corner and him and Dec finally see each other, almost collide, and one look at Dec's face is enough for Ant to grab him around the waist and lead him to a relatively hidden, empty part of the corridor.

The moment Dec sees him, his mask falls, his energy to pretend to be okay seems to disappear right away.

'They went to my brother's house,' he utters and his voice sounds frighteningly choked, presumably because of the tears that are not coming.

'What?' Ant says, frowning.

'The bloody paparazzi,' Dec manages, clinging onto Ant's arms. 'They- They talked to Martin.'

Ant hisses. Oh shit. 'How bad?'

Dec shakes his head. 'He didn't… He just called me, he- He didn't talk to them or I don't know, I don't care, it's just… He has nothing to do with this like,' he says, looking up at Ant; his eyes look way too big and innocent. 'He's just… He's me brother. They can't fucking do this, it's… They can't do this, Ant.'

'Yeah, I-'

'No, they  _can't_ do this. What if they go to me Mam next? What if they go to-? They can't. They just fucking can't…' Dec doesn't manage to finish the last sentence. He still doesn't seem to be crying, but he's breathing pretty heavily and his face looks more panicked than Ant ever remembers it being.

'Shh, Dec, it's fine. Dec. Dec. Decky, it's… Look, man, it's fine, just…'

He manages to calm Dec down enough to get him into the closest toilet without anyone staring at them more weirdly than usual. Now they are standing opposite to each other, leaning onto a stall door, breathing each other's air.

'He said, he loves me the way I am, and Mam's just being stupid. He said he was sorry as well,' Dec says eventually when his breathing gets back to normal.

'Martin said that?' Ant says, lifting an eyebrow, a bit surprised.

Dec swallows, then nods, fixing his shoes with his stare. He doesn't seem particularly happy about Martin finally being okay with the two of them being together, which makes Ant worry. He knows how much Dec cares about his older siblings' appreciation and acceptance.

'You okay?' Ant asks, and while the question is silly, it does what it needs to.

'Fuck no,' Dec blurts out, his breathing sounds pretty ragged again and when he looks up at Ant his eyes are obviously saying,  _it's just too much_.

Ant holds him in place, looking into his eyes – not letting him getting into a panic attack again. (He vaguely thinks about maybe googling this sort of stuff – it could be completely normal, they are going through a lot at the moment after all, but Dec getting into this panicky state definitely happens more frequently than Ant would like and if this is a proper mental health problem, they're gonna need to do something about it. They just need to get through tonight first.) His fingers are firmly grasping Dec's wrists, not letting him move.

'Just look at me, okay? Just stand here with me a minute, aye? Don't think. This is just us. We're not Ant and Dec off the telly, okay? We're just… It's just you and me, Dec.  _Anthony and Declan_. And just…' Ant takes a deep breath. This is not easy on him either. 'I just want you to know that it's all gonna be fine. We're gonna be fine, Dec, I bloody promise you that we are,' his voice sounds soft and trembling to him; it feels like, he's overflowing with emotion.

They stand there, like that for a while, until Dec slowly nods. He glances up at Ant and he… Well, yeah. The word is still  _beautiful_. He looks beautiful.

'Kiss me,' Ant says, surprising even himself, but it kind of comes out like a question.

Dec doesn't look away, but he holds his breath, like he can't really decide what to do.

'I know you want to,' Ant whispers, smiling into it, because he knows how clichéd that sounds. He can feel Dec shiver with anticipation under his fingers.

They both know, it's not a question of whether they want to – of course they do.

'You're making a compelling argument,' Dec manages; it's barely a hoarse whisper. He smiles at him, but there is something careful about the way he does it and Ant can't make himself smile back.

He knows that he looks way too hopeful and there are finally tears in Dec's eyes. He doesn't exactly need 25 years of being together to know what this means.

Dec opens his mouth, lips trembling, like he wants to say yes, wants to so badly, but...

'I can't,' he mouths silently and while Ant has no idea what that means exactly, he nods, because... Well, maybe he doesn't have to know exactly what it is.

The point is that Dec is not there yet – who knows, maybe his head needs a bit of clearing up, maybe his emotions seem too much at the moment, maybe he just needs to be alone for a while – deal with his brother being harassed because of him. It's fine though. When wasn't he willing to wait for Dec?

'Okay,' Ant nods.

'Sure?'

'Yeah,' he says, pulling him out of the toilet. 'Come on.'

 


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, hello there. I know, I know, I officially suck at this now – let's just say updating regularly is not my thing. -.- Anyway, please never feel bad about nagging me about new chapters, I will only thank you for that, because it's actually really motivating! Also, thank you for all your lovely messages, you're the greatest guys, honestly, I love you so much!! :) So, here's the new chapter, _yes, the park one_ , with shit-loads of character development on our little Declan's part. Oh, and please be warned for **homophobic language and behaviour** (nothing serious really, but still)! And of course, finally, here's my chance to wish lots and lots of happiness to the little one, who seems to be just the happiest now that he's gotten married, and him and Ali just deserve all the happiness in the world, don't you think? :)

They sneak out through one of the back exits – it's all very James Bond-y, Dec thinks – and to his surprise no one actually recognises them on their way to the park. It's quite a nice area; all green and everything, there is even a playground at the far end.

'Do you have any idea who Bernie Spain was?' Ant asks him wonderingly as they pass the welcome sign at the park's entrance.

'No clue.'

'Me neither. Got a cool park named after them though,' Ant says as he puts out his cigarette and flicks the butt into a bin. Dec looks up at him with an amused smile. Is Ant seriously so nervous that he's making small talk with him?

They walk in, then stop a few steps away from the entrance, just sort of standing there fairly awkwardly, not really knowing what they are supposed to be doing. Well, they know what they are _supposed_ to be doing, but... They haven't talked about this, the kissing and hand-holding; the awkward bit. Are they actually going to? Doesn't that mean they kind of sell out, letting the media's pressure get to them? But mainly it's just frightening, Dec thinks. Kissing in public (not accidentally, but totally on purpose this time!) would be a pretty big milestone for them. Because, well, that would mean, it's final and official, right? That would mean, they are _together_ and they are announcing it to the world. _We are the gay TV presenter couple, come along, come along, please stare at us…!_

And no matter how many times he thought since Sunday that _this is it_ , they are finally together now; no matter how many times they actually talked about it, it still scares the living shit out of him. Maybe, because it would be way too easy to lean a bit closer and just oh-so-casually steal a kiss from Ant's lips – he's done it a million times, it wouldn't be any different.

But, of course, it would be different, it would mean that they are two men in a committed relationship (not the usual AntandDec friendship stuff, but something so much more intense) and okay, they trust each other enough and probably even respect themselves enough to break it off if it doesn't work out, but… would they actually survive that? Or better question; would they actually do that? Because wouldn't Dec destroy himself trying to save their relationship, if there was even the slightest chance of staying together, instead of breaking up?

And that's why last night's sex had to be as emotionless as possible (they were locked up in a relatively small space together – let's admit, sex was pretty inevitable), and this is why Dec refused to kiss Ant even when it was just the two of them, feeling so close to each other, in an empty toilet, because he was and _still is_ so afraid. So afraid of what it would mean, how it would change him, change _them_. He feels like, he's back to square one – fearing that an actual relationship would mean losing their friendship. He's just as confused and unsure about it as he had always been (the reason why he never really did anything about the secrecy part) and it's not like, he doesn't want it, oh he wants it very very much, but the prospect of a lifetime with Ant still seems too surreal to be a potential reality.

He doesn't really get further than that in his head, because it suddenly occurs to him that they are still standing rather awkwardly and he's basically just staring out of his head, trying to grasp this _thing_ , the fact that this is actual, real life. He looks up at Ant, but he doesn't seem annoyed. He's patiently waiting it out; _think it through, Decs, it's easier than ya think,_ his smile says.

Dec lets out an annoyed snort. He feels so ridiculous. What are they even doing here in this bloody park, when they should be back in the studio doing their stupid TV show that will fail anyway, not that it matters, because they are probably fired for telling Mr what's-his-face to fuck off and-

Ant manages to slip his hand into his so smoothly, Dec almost misses it. Except, of course he doesn't, his heart starts beating like crazy and jesus, they are holding hands and it's not staged or forced, it's just… _them_. It feels like the most natural thing and Dec doesn't even know why he is surprised any more when everything about him and Ant just screams perfect.

He looks around a bit dazedly to check if people are watching them, but while the place is far from empty, no one is paying them any attention. Still, Dec's heartbeat doesn't slow down, he feels like, he's going to have a heart attack if he doesn't do something about it soon, and he can't help but feel a bit… reckless. It's stupid, because he's lived in London most his life and he knows that two men holding hands is not really a big deal any more, especially in such a weird and vibrantly diverse city, but… being from Newcastle, being from _the_ _N_ _orth_ means that he'd been taught certain values growing up and maybe nowadays it wouldn't provoke such a reaction back at home, but still, this means being _out_ , being gay, or at least in the gay category…

Ant squeezes his hand and he looks up.

'I just-' he starts to explain to him, but his voice comes out all choked and oh. He didn't know this meant so much to him. He clears his throat. 'I was just thinking how…' and he doesn't have to finish – pretty glad for that – because Ant is already nodding and of course he _understands it_.

'I know. It's a pretty big deal for us, two Geordie lads,' he says and smiles at Dec like he was the single most precious thing in his life and it kind of takes Dec's breath away.

'Come on, you. Let's get some coffee or something,' Ant says then, already pulling Dec towards the nearby food stand and that's that.

Dec's stomach starts rumbling pretty loudly while they wait in line and they realise, they haven't eaten anything since this morning's hasty hotel breakfast (Ant mumbles something about Victor stealing his crisps, but he keeps it pretty good-natured, because there are quite a few families with kids around), so they end up getting two burgers, two cokes and no coffee at all.

The burgers smell nice and although Ant has let go of his hand in order to get his wallet (it turns out, Dec forgot his, which means Ant has to pay for Dec's food as well, which definitely makes it out to be a date of some kind), he's still standing close enough to Dec that he can smell the cigarette smoke on him and the familiar scent of his cologne.

The burger guy is in his early twenties, has an easy smile, dreadlocks and he wears eyeliner, and consequently looks way too alternative- no, _indie_ to even ever have _heard_ of Ant and Dec. So when he glances at them, Dec pretty much expects a puzzled 'where have I seen them' sort of expression, maybe not even that. To his surprise the guy's face lights up with recognition when the family that was ahead of them finally manages to get enough ketchup on the little girl's hot dog in the Frozen dress and Ant and him step forward to order.

'Man, I love your shows!' the burger guy tells them while taking the money from Ant. 'I mean, dude, you're _actually_ funny!' he says enthusiastically, although he looks a tiny bit surprised at his own statement.

Dec smiles, 'Cheers, mate.'

The guy hands Ant the two drinks, but Ant passes them immediately to Dec with a casual 'Would you hold these, pet?' so his hands are free to take the change and the food. And it's not like it sounds weird and it's not like they don't call each other 'pet' now and then, it's part of their dialect after all, it's just… The guy looks up. And to be honest Dec can't really blame him, because the way Ant says it just so obviously implies romantic involvement that even Dec lifts an eyebrow.

And while indie burger guy gives Ant their food and about 5 trillion napkins with it, his face rapidly goes through a range of emotions and finally settles on something that Dec would describe as 'shit, I totally forgot that I saw an article online that said that the two of them are fucking.'

'Oh,' he says and stares at them quite weirdly, while Ant just looks back at him with forced politeness. Dec feels his heart sink and it occurs to him that this might just be the perfect time for a prayer, or at least something along the lines of _oh please please pretty please don't be homophobic and make a scene..._

But thankfully indie burger guy's face produces a bright and... oh, it's actually an _apologetic_ smile.

'Shit, dude, sorry, I'm being rude – didn't mean to stare,' he says and Dec lets out a relieved sigh. 'Congratulations on being in love. You look pretty cool together,' he adds, now grinning.

Dec is still a bit shocked (he's pretty sure that this random guy is the first person to apologise for staring at them and that prompts him to re-evaluate his attitude towards his co-workers), but he appreciates that the guy said cool and not cute, and he actually finds the love comment quite adorable as well. Ant flashes an honest smile at the guy – those are pretty rare these days – and Dec thinks there is a certain quality of pride to it. Like he is proud to belong to Dec, like he is proud to be _in love with him_. The thought is scarier than anything, but comes with a strangely reassuring obviousness and somehow that changes everything.

He was wrong when he thought that it'd be like a zoo, them putting themselves on display involuntarily, because… Because there is no shame in it at all; Dec is just as proud to love Ant as he is to love Dec and frankly, why wouldn't they share that with the world?

'Thanks,' Ant says simply to indie burger guy as they walk away with their food and Dec feels himself grinning and he just wants to kiss Ant so much. Then it occurs to him that he actually can. He pretty much should.

So he does kiss him.

It requires a bit of co-ordination because of all the food and stuff they are holding in their hands, but – despite Ant's initial surprise – they make it work. Dec is aware that indie burger guy and probably all the people that were behind them in the queue are watching them (and potentially a few paparazzi as well), but he finds that he actually enjoys the attention this time. He smiles into the kiss. It's perfect and quick and sweet and its full of affection – exactly as it should be. Naturally, it wouldn't be them if something didn't go wrong and as they break the kiss, Ant's sunglasses slip down from the top of his head and fall on the ground.

It doesn't matter though, Ant just laughs as Dec fumbles around to pick them up while trying not to drop the two bottles, he's holding.

They sit on a bench, chewing on their burgers silently for a while and Ant puts an arm around Dec's shoulder as soon as they sit down. Which – honest to god – makes Dec feel a bit giddy, and here's the heart attack thing happening again. He thinks, there's no way it's normal that he gets this teenager-y at 37 just because Ant is absent-mindedly drawing patterns into his shoulder through his coat.

'I ran into Ashley,' Ant says then, he crumples the burger paper into a ball and throws it into the closest bin.

'Oh god, Ashley,' Dec says, licking barbecue sauce off his fingers. (He stops with that when Ant gives him a half-scandalous, half-disgusted look.) 'What did she say?' he asks.

'Not much, it was pretty awkward like though. Actually…' Ant says, seemingly remembering something, as he gets his phone out of his pocket. 'Apparently Piers tweeted something shitty about us…'

'Piers? Piers Morgan? Ugh,' Dec groans. 'I don't wanna know.'

'Seriously?' Ant asks him, looking up from his twitter search curiously.

Dec shakes his head. After everything that's happened today, like paparazzi going to Martin's house – his stomach still twists painfully whenever he thinks about it and the possibility of photographers showing up at his Mam's makes him feel like throwing up – he really doesn't need more negative rubbish in his life, thank you very much. He's only concentrating on the positives from now on, he decides. And they've got Takeway tonight as well, so no, he absolutely doesn't wanna know.

'Seriously,' he nods determinedly. 'Had enough of the negative shite.'

'Listen to this then, @grahamnorton: “still the nicest lads in showbiz and now that they officially belong together one less reason to learn which ones which”' Ant reads. 'That's quite nice, eh?'

Dec feels a certain kind of warmth upon hearing Graham's tweet. It's the craziest thing ever that other people know and talk about this, about _them_ , but after all the abuse they got on twitter, it's amazing to finally hear something nice and supportive. This is another thing that happens when you’re together publicly, Dec thinks absently, and this is also about being proud, it means other people can see as well just how amazing Ant is and why wouldn’t he be okay with that?

'Yeah, I-' Dec starts, but then something occurs to him about the fact that Graham – like so many other people, including his bloody ex-girlfriend – doesn't seem very surprised. 'Do you have the feeling sometimes that we're the only ones who don't find this thing simple?' he asks Ant.

'You mean, we're over-complicating it, that is?' Ant frowns. 'It's entirely possible,' he says shrugging a little, with a tiny smile hiding in the corner of his mouth.

Dec shakes his head. Maybe they _are_ making this difficult on themselves unnecessarily...

'But we can't just jump into it like, can we now? I mean, that's not how it works. We can't go from casually sleeping around to full on living together in a matter of days, aye?' Dec says almost jokingly, but when Ant doesn't say anything, his heart misses a beat. 'Oh. Do you think we can?' he asks then, perhaps a little bit surprised and also maybe a tiny bit terrified as well.

Is it possible that Ant went from 'never even thought about the possibility' to 'let's do it and let's do it now' in a couple of days? So why the hell is it taking Dec so long? He's not asking the right question anyway. The right question would be; do you think we _should_?

Although apparently Ant's aware what question Dec actually wants an answer to because when he replies he is scrunching his nose, looking frustrated and he says, 'Ah, don't do this, Dec, man - you're trying to make me decide it for you, but I'm not gonna pressure ya into owt just because you can't make the decision yourself, Declan.'

Dec flinches because Ant using his name twice in the same sentence never means anything good (okay, maybe except when they're having sex). He's not doing it on purpose though…!

'That's not- You know, that's not what I'm doing. I just want to know what you think.'

Ant sighs. 'What I think is, that the sleeping around has never been casual and it wouldn't be such a big step for us. At least not as big as youse think.'

Dec doesn't reply for a bit, he doesn't know how to. Then he realises that this is Ant, he can just say whatever comes to mind – Ant has a shit-ton of practice at deducing what Dec actually means, even at times when he's unsure himself.

'Ah, shit, I know,' he blurts out eventually, shaking his head. 'I don't know why I'm scared. I kinda wanted this all me life and now I'm just… We can't fuck this up, Anth.'

'It'll be fine,' Ant smiles at him warmly.

Now that Dec has the time and energy to look at him a bit more closely, he sees that Ant looks just as scared and unsure as he does, which is definitely a good thing. He would be freaking out even more if Ant was calm, measured, all-knowing and whatnot.

'We don't usually fuck things up,' Ant continues, sounding _almost_ convincing in his act of trying to be reassuring, but Dec can't help but look at him like he was the dumbest person on Earth. 'Well, not the important stuff anyway,' Ant adds then, smile widening.

'Well, we are pretty much fucking up this photo op right now,' Dec says, sort of cheeky and he leans forward to kiss him.

'You see, we're already doing better,' Ant murmurs against his lips and Dec laughs. ''S this easy,' Ant says and kisses him again.

Dec can suddenly feel all the tension draining out of him. Being this close to Ant while everybody can see them… It's pretty insane. They were so careful about this for such a long time that now it's hard to believe they are actually allowed to be doing this – and more than that, required to be doing this for the sake of their career.

What Dec feels is indescribable. It's liberating, sure, but it's also fucking brilliant. Things are still pretty unresolved, sure, but isn't this just what he always dreamt of? He smiles into the kiss, because the answer is a simple _no._ He's never dared dreaming of anything like this.

They come out of the kiss, both slightly panting.

Then there is silence. It's not exactly uncomfortable, but it's there and Dec has no idea what to say. Talking is always so easy between them and he is definitely not prepared for this occasion; he suddenly feels a bit lost. He can't remember one topic that they usually talk about with Ant and Dec can't believe that this whole relationship thing is already affecting the way they work, the way they are together...

Dec looks up through his lashes, prepared to laugh the awkwardness away, throw in a joke maybe – anything that means they are still fine.

But Ant doesn't seem to have noticed the silence; he looks like he's lost deep in thought, lightly biting his lower lip and Dec suddenly doesn't mind that it's awkward, because he's sure that the frown on Ant's face means that he wants to say something – something that Dec definitely doesn't want to hear -, but he doesn't know how to go about it.

Fuck. He knows that Ant wants to admit something, confess to something that he'd done like a million years ago and now feels like he has to come clean about it and Dec feels absolutely trapped. He doesn't want to hear it, he's not interested – is this like some insane relationship rule, that just because they are kind of together now (are they?) they can have no secrets or private thoughts any more? Because that is bullshit. And even if it wasn't, he definitely doesn't want to hear it _right now_ , not after all the other things that have been said today and not just before they have to go, put on a brave face and do Takeaway.

He can't really stop it though, Ant is coming out with it all right, and he watches helplessly as he draws a little bit away from him and prepares to say something. This prompts a lightning-quick thought in Dec, a realisation really; it seems, they grew so accustomed to each other and it's not like it used to be, when they were teenagers and they felt like it would kill them to move even one inch further from each other after a kiss like that – but maybe that's just them getting a bit older, wiser, perhaps more mature.

'I-' Ant starts and Dec is already dreading this. His terrible romcom of a life managed to turn into a tragedy in mere moments. It seems to him that every time they finally manage to put their finger on this thing, something happens that separates them, they get thrown onto the ground all over again and it's harder and harder to stand up every time.

'I have to tell you something,' Ant says, his eyes kind, but mostly apologetic and Dec cringes.

'Oh, do you _really_?' Dec wants to whine desperately, but he doesn't, because he needs to be an adult about this. Instead he says, 'There's something else, isn't it?'

Ant nods.

'I almost slept with someone else,' he says quietly and he's not looking away, he's staring straight into Dec's eyes.

Oh. Dec knew there was something else, from the way Ant didn't want to finish the conversation in the studio toilet this morning, but... Well, he definitely didn't expect this.

'I'm sorry?' he looks up at him, not really sure how to react yet.

'You're... You're not the only guy, I've ever been with.'

'Well... I mean, _okay_ , I guess,' Dec says eventually, going for casual, but he knows it doesn't sound believable.

'It was a long time ago and in the end nothing really happened and I was really missing you and I was in a bad place and-'

Dec takes a deep breath before interrupting him, 'You really don't have to explain yourself to me. It's not- Look, you don't have to feel guilty about it, I'm not going to- I don't really want to know anyway. I mean, you're here now and that's all that really matters. _I trust you_. It's fine, Ant, okay?'

He looks up into Ant's hazel eyes and Ant still looks a bit careful, but he's sporting a relieved smile. Actually he looks like, he's going to say something, but then he just licks his lips, lets out a sigh and leans forward to kiss Dec again.

Dec closes his eyes and tries to get lost in the warmth and softness of Ant's lips.

The tingling possessiveness, he feels low in his stomach is not strong enough yet, so he can just sort of ignore it and decide to freak out about this at another, more convenient time. They've been through so much with Ant to finally get here (Dec has no idea where here _is_ , but it seems that at least the road they are on leads somewhere…) that he can't let such a tiny thing come between them now – not that he ever had the right to be jealous anyway, not while Ant was married, and he was dating other people.

It's not a big deal, he tells himself and the fact that Ant has been with someone else is really not, but... He can't help but think about what made Ant do it, what made him even consider it, let alone need it, because doesn't the sentence ' _I was really missing you and I was in a bad place_ ' mean that it was actually all Dec's fault and Ant was trying to replace him, find a rebound for him...?

Dec pushes all that away for now and leans even closer to Ant to deepen their kiss – not disgustingly so, they've seen how that looks on camera already, just so it looks more like _love_ and not just adorable puppy stuff.

'Wow…' the sound comes with an unmistakable repulsiveness and – no matter how hard Dec is _wishing_ – it is definitely directed at them.

They break apart hastily; Dec can see his own surprise mirrored on Ant's face. They both look up and there is a blonde woman standing in front of them, glaring with obvious hatred and disgust. It strikes Dec how normal she looks with her high ponytail, French manicured nails and Cath Kidston flower-patterned bag.

'I'm _sorry_?' Ant asks, voice hoarse and slightly trembling. Dec doesn't look at him, but puts a calm, grounding hand on his knee.

'Can you please _not_ do that?' the woman says, twisting her mouth in distaste. 'This is a family environment. I can't believe, you're doing this in front of children. And you're on TV as well. You seriously should be ashamed of yourselves,' she reprimands them with disapproval, while shaking her head. 'Everyone can see you, you know…' she adds, looking around.

She is not wrong, Dec notices, quite a few people are staring at the little scene unfolding in the middle of the peaceful park and Dec is sure the paparazzi can't quite believe their luck.

He knows, they can't go wrong here and a lot depends on how they handle this. He can also feel Ant shaking next to him – either because of his anger or he's taking it real hard, Dec's not sure yet.

'I'm sorry – I'm afraid, I'm not entirely sure what your concern is,' Dec says to her, his voice all measured, careful not to be aggressive.

The woman sighs exaggeratedly. 'What you're doing is disgusting and it bothers other people.'

'Love is disgusting?' Ant asks her and while his voice sounds firm, Dec can now tell, he's less angry than he thought and it's more like, he's frightened and upset, maybe even defeated.

It's quite unusual, but Ant feeling all these things only makes Dec calmer. He's got a responsibility to protect Ant, he feels; he has to show him that something, or rather _someone_ like this can't do anything to them and to who they are.

The rage he feels is not like the usual red haze, when he can't control himself, this is more like an ice-cold determinedness to win and to destroy anything that could ever hurt what the two of them have with Ant.

'No, I'm sorry, but there's nothing wrong with sitting in a park and kissing. And if it bothers you, I'm afraid there's nothing we can do about it, but it was really nice chatting to you,' he says slowly and he knows there's something in his tone that sounds a lot like… well, danger.

The woman seems to recognise it too and decides not to push it. 'Faggots…' she murmurs all disgruntled under her breath as she finally walks past them angrily.

Ant is staring after her with wide eyes, still a bit dumbfounded, but Dec doesn't care about her any more, he's looking at Ant.

'You okay? he asks him with a worried frown.

'No, I'm not! What the-'

Dec draws closer to him, conciliating smile in place, looking into Ant's eyes; _you can't freak out in front of photographers, Anth_.

He grabs Ant's hand and squeezes hard in a way that he hopes is reassuring. He feels Ant ease up a bit, but he still seems a quite panicked.

'Oh, come on,' Dec says, drawing his fingers lightly across Ant's wrist. 'Not the first time, nor the last, this was.' But it's like Ant doesn't even hear him.

'I can't believe what we're doing,' Ant tells him, furious and Dec has this horrible feeling that for some reason Ant is angry at the two of them. 'Voluntarily exposing ourselves to _this_ and letting other people judge us-'

'Ant? Ant. _Ant_ ,' Dec calls his name patiently, almost surprised it's him this time who is calm and not the one that's losing it. Ant finally looks up. 'Just laugh it off. You can't change it, so don't get all wind up about it.'

Ant stares at him for a while and Dec can only hope that this is what Ant usually does to him when trying to calm him down and it'll work.

Ant shakes his head, then after letting out a sigh decides to change the topic, still not entirely himself, 'Have you seen the crucifix in her neck?'

Dec's heart sinks. He has. And he used to be so sure in his faith that he would have never assumed that the woman's homophobia had religious roots just because of some stupid necklace she was wearing, but lately, ever since his father's-

But he wasn't raised like that and he simply just cannot _not_ say, 'Let's not make any assumptions-'

'Have you seen it?' Ant asks again.

'Yes, I have,' Dec admits quietly, but he's looking at Ant intently, _why is this so important?_

Ant shakes his head a little bit. 'I know, it doesn't necessarily mean anything, it's just...'

'I know, love. But we can't get angry about it every time, someone says or _thinks_ something stupid like.'

And Dec's done it, finally, Ant's smile reaches his eyes, shaking off the last of his negative feelings.

'You've gotten incredibly wise all of a sudden, Dec,' he says, grinning, although still not whole-heartedly.

'Oh, I've always been this clever, you just never noticed it,' Dec tells him, the knot in his stomach caused by the fear in Ant's eyes finally dissolving.

'Love blinded me, eh?' Ant asks, laughing a little; his smile brighter than ever.

'No, I think it was my looks. Couldn't see my personality from the stunning exterior…'

Now _that_ makes Ant laugh properly and the sound puts butterflies in Dec's stomach.

'Nah, I'm pretty sure I was blinded by love and not looks,' Ant tells him, still shaking with laughter.

'So what, now that it turns out that you hate me…' Dec continues.

'I can see all kinds of things clearly now,' Ant finishes his sentence and Dec suddenly finds that the little smile that stayed on Ant's face even after he stopped laughing is one of the most beautiful things in life.

'What kinds of things?' Dec enquires, feigning curiosity.

'For example how horribly horribly short you are.'

Dec suppresses a smile, which is actually not that hard. He is not _that_ short… 'Oh, fuck off, Ant.'

'No, no, but honestly, I've never noticed it before…' Ant says, but he can't play deadpan now, he's smiling smugly, the sound of laughter bubbling up at the back of his throat.

'Yeah, yeah, whatever. _Very funny_ …' Dec says, sulkily, 'Just shut up, will ya?'

But his sulking doesn't last long, Ant leans in to kiss him again and just like that there's a smile on his face and suddenly, out of nowhere, he realises that he actually might understand why Ant didn't tell him about breaking up with Lisa.

Ant made the decision and chose him over Lisa, but when did Dec ever have the chance to choose Ant? This way Ant let him make the decision by himself and no, he realises, choosing each other doesn't contradict their unconditional love, it just strengthens it.

So he understands – well, maybe not fully, but at least a little more – why Ant didn't tell him about what happened, even though it's still not entirely clear for him why would Ant ever be unsure about Dec's commitment to the two of them, because he's sure that in a similar situation, _he_ wouldn't have done the same. Partly because he is a lot more selfish than Ant is, but mainly just because he believes in the two of them in a way only he can, blindly, not even realising it.

Because even though his father's death has changed many things in him, Dec is a believer. He believes in the power of love and he believes in luck – otherwise how would he have found Ant? - and he believes in God (whether he has faith in him any more, that's an entirely different question), but most importantly he believes in Ant. And that's more than enough.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Hiya everyone :) So, the day has finally come, here’s the new chapter after like seven months. (God, I’m rubbish at this.) Wow. Here’s like an [update post](http://justrainythings.tumblr.com/post/140997304981/secrets-tears-and-what-ifs-update-p) of some kind about it - thank you so much for all your lovely messages, you guys are the sweetest! I did manage to finish it by 4am this morning, but then I just got to the point of really hating every single word of it, so here it is after a goodnight’s sleep and an entire day of fixing stupid spelling mistakes :P Oh, but a bit of recap first, because it’s been ages since last time...! //
> 
> *American TV voice* _Previously on Secrets, Tears and What-ifs…_
> 
> Ant and Dec kissing heatedly on fire-escape on the ITV building. Ali putting down the picture in front of them in a dimly-lit dressing room on Sunday morning. Lisa crying. People staring at them sitting together in the cafeteria and during rehearsal. The two of them fighting in Dec’s bedroom. _‘You make me wait for 20 years, you bloody marry someone else while still fucking me and then you don’t have the courtesy to tell me that you’re getting a divorce, for two days?!’_
> 
> Dec looking in a hotel mirror, staring at the grey bits in his hair. Ant coming up behind him, drawing him in his arms protectively.
> 
>  _‘What I felt at his wedding, you know… It's just- You can't possibly imagine,’_ Dec tells Ali, his voice breaking a little.
> 
>  _‘I need someone to handle the situation who represents the channel and not your personal interests and I would like to request your full co-operation on the matter,’_ Peter Fincham says, standing behind his desk, the London skyline looking breath-taking in the background through the glass-wall.
> 
>  _‘Mr Rodgers. Mr Cleaveland Rodgers,’_ red-headed, cartoon character-looking guy introduces himself. _‘You are going to have to stop with all this faggot nonsense.’_
> 
> Ant and Dec stand up at the exact same second, in complete sync. _'I think, we’re done here,’_ Dec says quietly, posture threatening, as they leave the room.
> 
>  _‘I almost slept with someone else,’_ Ant says, eyes begging for forgiveness. _‘You’re… You’re not the only guy, I’ve ever been with.’_ Dec’s dumbstruck face.
> 
>  _‘There is another picture,’_ Ali hands them the tablet. Ant grabbing Dec’s hand in the park. Dec smiling up at him and kissing him, while sitting on a bench. *dramatic music suddenly stops* _And now..._

It starts drizzling as they walk back from the park, but they take their time – time that they don’t really have –, trying to extend the length of this little venture, their little escape from reality, as much as they can. The weather is not especially cold or windy and Dec never minded the rain much – the gloomy streets put him in this sort of rainy, pavement-coloured melancholy anyway and it even feels reassuring, almost familiar. Like an average Saturday. _Oh, he wishes…!_

‘D’you have my lighter?’ Ant asks softly next to him as he puts a cigarette between his lips; there are little dark splashes on the thin white paper already from the rain.

Dec’s initial reaction is confusion, because why on Earth would he have Ant’s lighter, but then he realises that he actually probably does. It takes him a minute, but he remembers eventually – they were just on their way to the park, Ant lit his cigarette and then as he was getting his phone out of his pocket, he kind of absent-mindedly – half out of nervousness probably, half out of, you know, _Ant just being Ant_ – handed the lighter to Dec for no apparent reason whatsoever. Dec then took it, not even really consciously, and put it…

But by the time his train of thought gets here, Ant is already reaching under Dec’s coat and getting the lighter out of the back pocket of Dec’s jeans, without seemingly giving it a thought really.

‘Aye, got it – thanks, love,’ Ant says to him distractedly as he lights his cigarette, then… hands the lighter back to Dec.

Dec quirks up an eyebrow at that; very much amused, and pockets the lighter – again.

It’s cheesy – disgustingly so – but he sort of thinks that Ant unconsciously counts on them being together the next time he’ll want to smoke, so that’s why it doesn’t really matter who has the lighter; they’ll be in the same place anyway.

The thought makes Dec sigh a little contently – a sound he never thought he was capable of making – and it soon turns into a smile when Ant gets hold of his hand and interlocks their fingers. And that’s just… wow. They are _allowed_ now.

Dec keeps looking at Ant, analysing him and his expression, searching for anything that might have changed, because in his mind there has to be some sort of physical evidence of the fact that they just spent the last forty minutes walking around, kissing _in public_ , because there is no way, nothing has changed at all. They just confirmed everything, they just bloody _came out_ and not just in some public statement that probably no one actually fully read or a stupid interview in the Sun – this is coming directly from them, it’s something everyone will see, pictures that will be on websites and in tabloids and people will actually look at them and see them _being in love_. This is proper evidence now, evidence that they gave willingly. (Well, sort of willingly anyway.)

It’s like everything has changed in his life, every single thing – he broke up with Ali, he lost his house to a swarm of paparazzi, his family (something he could always always rely on) is not this solid, anchoring thing in his mind anymore, his job that he loves so so much is becoming a difficult and incredibly nerve-wrecking challenge he somehow has to overcome – and all of it happened in six short days.

But then he looks over to his right and there’s Ant, looking exactly the same – maybe a bit more tired-looking than usual – and there are no changes, _he’s still there_. It’s the same face, the one he’s been looking at almost every single day of the 25 years they have spent together.

It’s almost like he feels relieved that absolutely nothing changed about Ant’s face, about the way he smiles, the way he talks, the way he draws his thumb over Dec’s knuckles as he holds his hand (exactly the way he would have done when they were 18, lying naked in bed in dodgy motel rooms, eating pasties and their day job was pretending to be PJ and Duncan). And it proves that this is still just _them_ , nothing has changed about _them_ – they are still the same, even if the world has gone insane.

It’s reassuring. The two of them, _now_ that’s something that Dec is used to, something that he doesn’t have to think about, because it’s just so automatic that if he woke up one morning without any of his memories, without even knowing who he was, he’d probably still be able to easily fall into their routine; the way they understand each other, the way they exist in this world, always _together_.

Dec watches carefully as Ant lifts the cigarette to his mouth and then a moment later, blows out the smoke. He smiles a bit, because Ant looks good – if a bit moody – and he can’t really stop thinking about what the park pictures must be like. He’s sort of fascinated with this new concept of what they must look like from the outside – something that he never thought about before. He squeezes Ant’s hand and holds on tighter.

It’s funny, because he never thought, he would be the hand-holding type – especially not with Ant –, but he has to admit, he’s very much enjoying this public display of affection. Ant is a solid and warm presence right next to him and they fall into step more than easily. Of course, all this mess and the pain and the sadness can’t all just go away this easy, but Dec sort of feels at ease, like this is normal, like this is what they _always_ do. Like Ant and him walking around London on rainy Saturdays, holding hands, acting like some loved up young gay couple is absolutely _normal_.

And that really says something, because this right here is not for the cameras, this is just them holding hands for the sake of it – which Dec tries not to think about too hard, because it’s scary as fuck – but here it is.

They are kind of together now.

Not because of some dramatic conversation or any big moment – although they had more than enough of those –, but because finally it’s all kind of just falling into place, and _also_ , Dec realises, because they’ve just run out of reasons not be together.

Dec sighs. He still finds the whole topic way too heavy. And for the hundredth time, he just wants to get through Takeaway relatively successfully. Everything else can just wait. Call it procrastination, call it prioritising – he’s not willing to deal with this right now.

They let go of each other’s hands as they reach the building entrance and it makes Dec wonder about whether this being in sync thing and how much they think alike happened over the years or they’ve always been like this, even before meeting, and just managed to find each other through fate’s weirdly brilliant matchmaking. Because, Dec swears they moved at the same time, that he didn’t initiate it, it wasn’t like, he slipped his hand out of Ant’s and Ant let him, no. _They moved at the same time._

They’ve always been quite private at work and they are not going to start acting any differently and be all couple-y now or whatever just because they can and it wasn’t even conscious, but they reached the building and thought of it at the same time, got to the same conclusion, had the same idea in their head and they let go of each other’s hands at the same time without even looking up. And now that Dec’s thinking about, it’s a little bit too much.

This kind of stuff between them is just kind of automatic and he’s never been really aware of it until now. He doesn’t like it that he is. The way Chris called them out on communicating without words in his office yesterday and the way they didn’t tell Ali that they realised who the leak was, because apparently they forgot to say any of it out loud, or when in that first production meeting on Monday everyone looked at them so weird because Ant dared to casually touch him… It’s like he’s just so mindful of it now, noticing it all the time – a bit like when you notice your own breathing or how often you blink and you can’t really concentrate on anything else and Dec hates it.

‘Ta,’ he mutters as Ant holds the door open for him and he’s desperately trying to think of a topic or thought that could distract him from this. He runs a hand through his slightly wet hair as they get inside, then as he scratches his neck where the collar of his shirt is sticking uncomfortably to his damp skin, he can feel his back ache with the movement and oh. _That’s it._ Distracting topic, thank fucking god.

‘You know what, that fire-escape stunt that you pulled the other day? I think you bruised one of my ribs, Ant,’ he says to Ant all whiny as they get into a lift.

Ant looks up at him with surprise, but then the cheeky bastard’s eyes start bloody twinkling as he replies, ‘I absolutely did not.’

‘You did too and you’re gonna have to take responsibility for it. I’m not twenty any more, you can’t just push me up against walls and stuff…! What are you grinning about?’ 

‘I’m liking the whole relationship banter thing. It’s new, but I like it.’

Dec’s heart honest to god skips a beat when he hears Ant say relationship – which is so so _so_ stupid, because he’s always called it a relationship, there is absolutely nothing new about this, but still. This time it means something… _more_. He manages to supress his warm smile, but he knows, Ant can see it in his eyes.

‘It’s not banter, you arse; you broke my back,’ he retorts as they get out of the lift and walk towards their dressing rooms.

‘Of course, I didn’t,’ Ant smiles at him. ‘You would be in a lot more pain if I did.’ He stops then, seemingly hesitating for a moment. ‘Wanna do it again sometime soon?’

Dec is torn between laughing and flipping him off, so in the end he does both, before walking away from Ant, to his own dressing room. ‘Oh, absolutely.’

 

 

They are mid-rehearsal when the call comes in that Simon Cowell is indeed, actually coming to guest announce the show and Dec finally feels like, he can breathe now. He can absolutely do this, he can read lines off a prompter, he can be funny and charming for the cameras – after all, they are supposedly good at this. And consequently, his tense nervousness slowly starts to dissipate into usual pre-show nerves. He also notices that they bounce off each other a lot better with Ant after finally having had some of the conversations that they had to have in the park and earlier today and it has its effect on the show as well. Their timing is a lot better; their jokes funnier.

Dec of course, can’t forget – and is not likely to do so any time soon – about what Ant told him; the fact that he’d almost slept with someone else, someone _male_ (Dec doesn’t know why gender matters so much, but it _does_ and he hopes to god, it’s not internalised homophobia, because he’s got enough shit to deal with as it is, thank you very much), someone who was meant to replace Dec (and probably because Dec wasn’t there for him at the time), but Ant seems much more carefree, like a weight is off his chest and it rubs off on Dec as well.

He really starts feeling like, they’ve got nothing to lose and what drives them is to make the best show they possibly can in the circumstances. Which is why they spend their entire lunch break – that starts only about forty minutes later than usual, they are almost back on schedule – in the green room with all their writers and producers going over the script again and again. It’s not like Dec would be able to get down a single bite of food anyway.

‘Okay, that should work now, just don’t let it go on too long, especially if that laugh, the one before, goes over five seconds, because then we’re gonna be over by quite a lot,’ Chris says, finalising one of the items.

‘Yeah,’ Dec nods, making a mark on his script.

‘Er, question,’ Ali is standing by the door, leaning on the door frame – blonde and beautiful as always – and Dec sees Ant look up with a surprised frown that matches his own; neither of them even realised, she was there. ‘What happens if one of the chosen contestants or someone on Sing Along Live decides to say something.’

‘Say something?’ someone asks back and Dec is the only one who catches the _oh for fuck’s sake_ on Ant’s face that lasts about two seconds before he schools his features and says ‘You mean something about the two of us’ in a measured voice, waving casually at himself and Dec.

Because _come on_. Everyone knows that Ali is talking about _them_ , the fact that every viewer –perhaps every single one – will know about the two of them being together tonight. There is no need to beat around the topic, it’s not like they won’t be talking about it all night long on their show anyway. And they are not some celebrity guests that the crew needs to be careful with in case they accidentally insult them or anything – actually Dec would be pretty reluctant to put himself in the celebrity category even.

‘The boys have been doing live telly for quite a while now. I think we’re covered – they’ll know what to say,’ Chris says to Ali and while Dec is infinitely reassured by their director’s confidence in them, he knows that that’s not exactly what she meant.

‘No, yeah, that’s fine if someone says something about their relationship,’ Ali explains in a soft voice, twisting her nose slightly in concern. ‘What I meant is, what do we do if someone says something homophobic? Maybe even something we can’t exactly have on air? We can issue apologies afterwards for someone saying _faggot_ , for sure, but no one wants to see some homophobic wanker win lots of money on TV.’

‘We can’t just eliminate someone from a game because of their language. Or their beliefs,’ Dec argues, but he’s looking around the room, hoping someone has some good ideas.

‘We can always pre-vet them…?’ someone offers, but Ant is shaking his head already.

‘Not really fun to take part in a game-show playing to win prizes, if a minute ago you’ve already been asked about your opinion on the two hosts being gay for each other. Kind of a mood killer, like,’ he says bluntly and Dec snorts. Mood killer, yeah.

‘It’s a risk we’re going to have to take,’ Dec declares finally after it becomes obvious that no one knows how to solve this one. He looks at Ali, shrugging a bit. ‘It’s a live show – there are always going to be things like that.’

Ali doesn’t exactly look satisfied though and neither does Becca, one of their producers, fixing her shoes with a concerned stare.

‘Well, look,’ she begins, her voice gaining confidence as she starts putting her thoughts into words, ‘If it’s _bad_ , if it’s _really_ bad… Like, if someone actually says that word or something like that and attacks you or your sexuality in any way, I’m personally happy to let you take them off air. We can always deal with the consequences later.’

‘I’m pretty sure, we’re not allowed,’ another producer, Pete chimes in. ‘We can’t discriminate against a contestant because of what they say or think. Ofcom will sure launch an investigation for that.’

‘Well I can imagine how delighted ITV will be about that,’ someone laughs joylessly and Dec can’t help but share the sentiment.

‘I’ll take care of ITV, don’t worry about that,’ Ali says almost nonchalantly and Dec knows her more than well enough to realise that she appears a lot more confident in what she’s saying than she actually is, but everyone else seems pretty reassured by that. ‘I’ll ask around if in any way we have the power to take a contestant off air and out of a game like that, but I really doubt even they could do it without consequences.’

‘Well, the power lies with you guys, essentially,’ Chris turns to him and Ant, kind of sounding like he’s intending to close this argument once and for all. ‘If it’s too much and you want us to take someone off air mid-sentence, we’ll do just that. I think I can talk freely for everyone on the crew that we’ll all stand by your judgement, one hundred per cent.’

‘Yeah, definitely,’ Becca confirms his words with a small smile and before Dec can even realise, he is reaching up to wipe away the wetness from his eyes.

He notes a bit dazedly that Ali says something like ‘Okay, great, that’s settled then’ pretty emotionlessly before disappearing to probably try and chase down some ITV lawyers that might work on Saturdays and he also kind of remembers that he wanted to ask her how her meeting went with the guy Pete Fincham unleashed on them to try and _fix_ their gay image, but he’s way too moved to properly acknowledge anything that’s happening around him.

It’s silly because it doesn’t really mean anything – he knows that their crew trust them, but still…

‘Thank you,’ comes Ant’s answer and Dec can hear him choke up a little bit too. ‘We really appreciate that.’

 

 

Dec spends the next few hours – no matter what else he’s doing – in his head going through everything that could go wrong with the show over and over again and his stomach is in such a tight knot by half past four that when Ant suggests that they go and eat something or at least maybe have a bit of a snack, Dec actually groans out loud painfully in response. By the time they sit down in Dec’s dressing room with a couple of mini sandwiches however, Ant seems to have lost his appetite, hands nervously twitching as he looks at his watch every couple of minutes. Dec on the other hand has never been more glad to have unlimited catering at the studio and finds that the food is actually relaxing him; it helps create the illusion of normality – they usually do eat a bit of a snack before the show, although never this early.

‘It’s gonna be fine, Anth,’ Dec says to him mid-bite, sounding all muffled and distracted instead of the gently reassuring tone he was going for.

‘Yeah, well, I bloody hope so,’ Ant replies, putting his sandwich back into the packet and down on the coffee-table with a defeated sigh. ‘Wasn’t that hungry anyway,’ he murmurs as an after-thought, pouting a bit.

Dec stops devouring his own sandwich in order to look up at Ant and he almost gives into the urge to climb into Ant’s lap, bury his face in his neck and never move again. No stupid TV shows, no more problems, just stay right there on that sofa with his Ant, warm and cosy forever and ever. He frowns at himself a bit. _His_ Ant. Well, not his, right, because…

‘Was it weird?’ he asks suddenly and the words kind of just escape him before he could think better of it. ‘I mean,’ he clears his throat, staring into Ant’s attentive hazel eyes. ‘I can’t even imagine being with someone who is not _you_ …’

Ant seems a bit taken aback at first, but then – Dec suspects out of guilt more than anything else – he appears very patient and indulging as he says, ‘You slept with other people, Dec. People that weren’t me.’

‘Never anyone male, you know that,’ Dec shakes his head and he thinks of dozens of tall blonde women with bright smiles. It all blurs together really, only a few of them stand out. ‘And it’s so different from normal sex. Um, I mean, not that gay sex is not _normal_ , but… regular sex. Straight sex, I mean. Whatever,’ he adds a bit awkwardly, because terminology and things, _oh god_. He has no idea how to be a gay man. Or, _well_. A not-straight man rather.

He also feels like he’s way too old for any of this. He self-consciously runs a hand through his hair and almost has a mini heart-attack because he completely forgot about the planned dye-job for all the grey bits that he found this morning. _Fuck_. He lets out a deep breath and tries to slowly count to ten in his head and it sort of works, because he decides, he’s too tired to panic about it now. Tomorrow though. Definitely.

He glances up at Ant who is staring at him in an almost amused way and reaches out to bat away Dec’s hand that’s still gripping onto a strand quite tightly – evidently absolutely aware of what he was thinking about.

‘What do you mean by different?’ he asks then with a sigh as he starts patting down Dec’s now probably ridiculously messy hair.

He offers Ant a still slightly panicky _thanks_ smile at that, but he is distracted, because this is the first time he realises that maybe it’s not so different for Ant.

Dec has never in his life been attracted to any other guy than Ant, so for him gay sex has always meant sex with Ant. And _of course_ , sex with Ant is different, the physical aspect have always been an extension of their close relationship and togetherness and probably that’s what makes it all kinds of special and whatnot. Sometimes Dec just feels like he wants to crawl into Ant’s skin and breathe him in, keep him just for himself, never letting anyone even look at him, lock him up and get too lost inside him to ever be able to find his way back to himself. It’s scary, pretty fucked up, maybe morbid even, but the sex helps. That’s when he feels closest to Ant and it’s still not as close as Dec sometimes wants to be, but it’s enough.

He never really thought about it before – he never thought about _any of this_ , it’s quite overwhelming –, but he’s not attracted to Ant because he’s a guy (actually, he’s attracted to him kind of _despite_ him being a guy) and it’s all emotion-based, really, so for him, even imagining sleeping with someone of the same sex seems sort of impossible and weird. Ant on the other hand…

‘It was weird,’ he finally says when it becomes clear that Dec is not going to answer his question and he seems to at least partly understand what Dec’s asking anyway. ‘But not the way you think. Not because it was a guy – it was weird because I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I couldn’t stop thinking about how even our first time was… well, you know what it was like.’

Oh, Dec knows alright. Not a _puzzle pieces falling into place_ kind of cliché – although pretty close to that –, but more like an unspoken comfortableness with each other and their inexperienced teenage fumbling.

‘So you didn’t like it,’ Dec says and he hates how hopeful it sounds.

Ant looks down at his shoes, but he seems to be collecting his thoughts rather than looking away from Dec.

His voice is soft and sincere when he finally replies. ‘I did like the way he touched me; that wasn’t the weird part. I just didn’t like it that it wasn’t you. It was more psychological, I think, like.’

‘What about Lise though?’ Dec asks, voice verging on demanding. It sort of almost sounds like, _do you feel that when you’re with her?_ He would never dare ask that though. It’s a question he has no right asking.

‘What about her?’ Ant frowns at him and Dec is almost certain he is dying to raise his voice at him, maybe spit out a ‘ _Could you please stop making everything into a competition between you and Lisa?_ ’

In exchange Dec bites back a ‘ _Sorry that I’m not fucking over the fact that you married someone else!_ ’ and he thinks they’re making progress. They are learning how to argue with each other like normal people do. They just needed a bit of practice apparently.

‘This had nothing to do- Dec, this was ages ago, like,’ Ant tells him good-naturedly. ‘Lisa and I had _just_ got together at that point. God, did you think it was recent? Trust me, you’d know if something like that was going on.’

Dec knows that, but it doesn’t really make it any easier. It’s stupid that he’s asking questions about what happened instead of asking what brought it on - which is the actual issue here -, but he’s too afraid of those answers to ask about that right now.

‘Okay,’ he says then, his mouth suddenly very very dry. There’s a part inside him that’s desperately screaming _mine mine mine mine_ and he wonders if it’s always been there and he just oppressed it because it was easier when he knew he had no righteous claim over Ant, or if it’s something new, this possessiveness, that was brought on mainly by today’s events.

‘I’m sorry,’ Ant says as he puts a reassuring hand on Dec’s knee. ‘Y‘right?’

‘I mean, it’s fine, I’m just…’ Dec doesn’t finish, just shakes his head a bit, not really knowing what he’s feeling. It still hasn’t sunk in yet properly. He does relax into Ant’s touch though and that seems good enough of an answer for Ant.

‘I’m glad I told you,’ he tells him and _god_ , Dec so isn’t.

‘That makes one of us at least,’ he laughs and Ant looks like he’s going to apologise again so he stops and hurries to add, ‘But I know, you wanted to tell me. It’s fine, Anth.’

Ant looks at him for a bit as if contemplating how much he actually believes that, then he nods once, slowly. ‘Tell us if it gets… not fine though, aye? Just _please tell_.’

‘I will,’ Dec promises and _wow_ , they are having an actual adult conversation about this and it’s seemingly going in the right direction.

The tension between them doesn’t lift though and it’s not necessarily a bad kind, it’s just… a bit too heavy and strangely intimate – a mixture of secrets and still too much hurt. Dec knows they can get through it though and there’s even something attractive in it, something Dec can’t exactly put his finger on, but it’s kind of comforting, the way they are digging through all this mess that they built up over the years, because it’s still the _two of them_ and he’d rather argue through himself life with Ant than live in a world without him.

So when Ant says ‘Can I ask you something as well?’, it’s not exactly uncomfortable, it’s just that Dec has this tightness down in the pit of his stomach as he nods. But it’s not too bad, not like all their fights from earlier in the week. He even tries for an encouraging kind of facial expression.

‘I’ve been thinking about this ever since you mentioned the wedding,’ Ant starts, sounding fairly cautious. ‘Were you-? The night before me and Lise’s wedding. I remember how you… You were going to-’ but he cuts himself off again, takes a deep breath, then finally says, ‘You almost said something, didn’t ya?’

Dec’s throat feels dangerously tight, but it doesn’t even occur to him that he should lie about this. ‘I considered it, yeah,’ he admits, biting his lip immediately as the words leave his mouth to stop himself from saying anything else, because he really _really_ doesn’t want to know Ant’s answer to the follow-up about this particular what-if. Mainly because there is no right answer to it to be honest (there is a choice either way and Dec’s not sure what’s worse, if it’s Lisa’s broken heart or his own) and it doesn’t really matter anymore anyway.

Ant relaxes at his confirmation right away though, he breathes in deep and long and although he keeps his hand on Dec’s thigh, he leans back comfortably until his back meets the sofa.

‘So many things make so much sense now,’ he says wonderingly. ‘Or, well, _no_ , but… I just see things kind of differently now, looking back on it, you know.’ He glances up then, eyes questioning, ‘Why didn’t you? Say something, I mean.’

Dec can’t help but let out a chuckle at that, ‘Would have been a pretty shitty move the night before your wedding, Ant. And I wanted you to be happy,’ he adds softly.

‘For fuck’s sake, Dec-‘

‘No, don’t do that,’ he warns him, leaning forward. ‘I wanted you to be happy and you were. _You were happy, Ant._ You were, up until last Sunday when the whole picture thing happened.’

‘That’s not exactly true,’ Ant shakes his head, distracting himself by picking at his sandwich in a way that Dec knows, means, he's totally given up on ever eating it. ‘Just because I didn’t realise it, doesn’t mean it wasn’t missing from me life. And _youse_ weren’t happy. How is it okay if you are not happy?’ he asks, voice so incredibly sincere and here are the butterflies again in Dec’s stomach. _Oh, sweet, sweet co-dependence._ He almost feels guilty about being happy over it.

‘Wasn’t miserable like,’ he says then, shrugging, because he really wasn’t. The proposal broke him a little bit (okay, _a lot_ ), but the concept of not having Ant wasn’t something that he wasn’t used to by that point really. Or entirely conscious of. And he tells Ant that much, ‘I knew I wanted it – wanted _you_ – but it’s not like it was all that obvious in my mind, that. You know, the way you’d wanna win the lottery or something, but like you know it’s not gonna happen and you don’t really do anything about it. And I didn’t know I had anything to wait for, eh?’

But his intention to make Ant realise he didn’t actually do anything wrong – it’s all just shitty circumstances and stupid societal norms and also a lot of bad communication – seems to have failed. Ant looks absolutely heartbroken and Dec can’t bear it.

It’s more reflexes than anything when he moves his hand, but he’s still sort of hyper-aware of everything intimate that they do and he just cannot not be when he’s twitching to touch Ant, wanting to feel connected to him. Ant’s hand is still causally resting on top of Dec’s thigh and Dec grabs onto it, his fingers wrapping around Ant’s arm almost painfully tight, fingertips tapping an uneven rhythm over the soft skin of his wrist.

‘I thought, I was gonna lose you after the wedding,’ he says quickly and Ant lets out a sharp hiss at that, but Dec doesn’t let him interrupt, because he’s actually going somewhere with this. ‘But you didn’t _let_ me lose you, okay? You didn’t, Ant. _You didn’t_ ,’ he tells him, sounding a bit too desperate for his own taste, but it’s not like he can do anything about it.

‘But you know, I didn’t _know_ , right?’ Ant asks, voice now reduced to an almost-whisper. ‘Shit, Declan, I’m so sorry.’

There is a moment of silence and Dec thinks about what to say, how to tell Ant that it doesn’t matter anymore, that it has all lost significance now (if not meaning), when he himself has no idea how to let go of any of their past mistakes. He knows he’s not going to run away from it though so he settles with a ‘You’re pretty good at screwing things up, Ant, but this wasn’t just you, yeah?’ and he is proud that he manages to keep his voice light.

Ant looks at him searchingly for a while and it’s not often that Dec can’t read him, but this is one of those rare moments. It seems like he wants to say something, but then he changes his mind and his ‘Yeah. I- _Yeah, I know, Dec_ ’ is a lot softer than Dec expected. It’s not entirely concerning; he’s not lying or anything – Dec can tell _that much_ – but it’s a bit strange. He’s not used to not knowing what Ant’s thinking, but it’s okay, he thinks. Not knowing is _okay_. Healthy even.

Come to think of it probably that’s what freaked him out so much about Ant not telling him about breaking up with Lisa for such a long time. The fact that he didn’t know, that he didn’t _notice_.

He doesn’t get to dwell much on it though, because Ant’s phone starts ringing and at first he’s worried that something has happened bloody _again_ , but as the person on the other end starts speaking, Ant just shakes his head a little bit, indicating that it’s okay, the world is still not ending, so Dec forces himself to ease his grip on Ant’s arm and stand up to stretch his legs a little, all the while sneakily stealing a bite of Ant’s abandoned sandwich.

Ant stares at him, looking quite affronted, but still on the phone, which is kind of outrageous, given he actually said, he wasn’t going to eat it.

‘ _What?_ ’ Dec asks back, but his cheeky grin is lost on Ant whose focus is back on the phone conversation now.

Dec doesn’t listen to what Ant’s saying, instead he wonders into the en-suite and washes his face. He can hear a lot more noise from the corridor now – people running around, talking into headsets, props being moved –, seven o’clock getting alarmingly closer and closer.

He feels a bit nauseous and maybe the sandwiches weren’t a good idea after all, but then he realises that the cause is mental, not physical, and it’s not even the show; he’s just thinking about Ant’s wedding.

He can’t believe it now really, it seems like some feverish dream, but he _was_ going to say something. Something about the two of them and heartbreak and losing each other, _anything_ really, just to stop Ant from marrying someone else. He was quite determined actually, determined and stupid, too lost in himself and his own foolishness. He just desperately didn’t want Ant to go through with the wedding, but he didn’t really get further than that in his own thought-process, let alone plan what to say or what reason to give when Ant asks, _but why not?_ other than a despairing kiss. And still, it’s almost surprising to him now that he was ever even that conscious of his feelings for Ant at any point in his life. He forgot about it since, forgot he used to have hope that the two of them would eventually end up together. How did he get so numb over the years without even noticing?

He is staring at himself in the mirror, but he’s not really looking. He tries to centre himself, focus on the show; the task that’s currently at hand, but it’s hard – his mind is overflowing with thoughts and emotions.

There’s just too much to think about, so many things to do and take care of – the hurt of their driver’s betrayal still lingers, which reminds him that they can’t really live out of hastily packed suitcases in hotel rooms forever and he misses going on long walks with Rocky – he misses Rocky, full stop – and he also has to do something about his mother ( _fuck!_ ) and he ought to ask Ali what happened to the pink woman attacking them in the parking garage with her camera and inappropriate questions the other day and if any of that ever got resolved and oh, _Ali_. Beautiful, kind-hearted, loyal, Ali, whom he’s still pretty much in love with. Why the fuck did he ever let any of this get this far?

The answer to that is easy, though: because he gave up. He gave up on Ant and him ever being together, so he just pretended to move on. _He didn’t know he had anything to wait for._

And here it is, he’s thinking about the bloody wedding again.

He shakes his head at himself, because this is getting him nowhere. He takes a deep breath as he steps out of the bathroom and it turns out, it really is just that easy, one look at the familiar figure of Ant sitting on the sofa, still clutching his phone to his ear and everything seems so much brighter and easier than before. All he needed was a reminder that he’s not alone, that Ant is right here with him through all of this and breathing already seems easier – even his hands stop shaking.

Ant looks up at him as he re-enters the room and their eyes meet. The eye-contact is fleeting, it lasts all about three seconds and there is nothing to it, really, but Dec feels some sort of warmness course through him, and he has this half-formed thought, or realisation rather, that when Ant looks at him, he feels like he wants to believe in himself.

He cannot not smile at that and he’s so lost in his love for Ant for a moment that he doesn’t just not notice that Ant has finished his phone conversation, but he also walks into a table. ‘Shit!’

‘Huh,’ Ant says then, frowning at the ground as he lowers the phone from his ear. He doesn’t appear to be aware of Dec’s misery at all.

‘What?’ Dec asks distractedly, rubbing at his shin with a painful grimace. ‘God, that hurts.’

‘It was Andy,’ Ant replies, like that’s supposed to mean something. He’s still not looking up.

‘Andy? Andy who?’

‘Peter Fincham’s assistant Andy,’ Ant says slowly and Dec stops rubbing his leg.

‘Oh?’

‘No, it’s-’ Ant finally looks up at him, eyes wide. ‘He apologised on behalf of Fincham. He said they are very sorry about the guy, what’s-his-name, homophobic double wedding guy, and… It kinda sounded like they were afraid, we’d sue them for discrimination and workplace harassment or something like.’

‘Wow,’ is the only reply, Dec deems appropriate at that, blinding pain in his leg all forgotten.

‘Aye.’

They smile at each other for a while, still fairly astonished because, well, things are finally looking up, right? It’s painful and most of it is still utter shite, but they are slowly getting there – they are going to be _okay_.

Then it occurs to Dec. ‘Do you think Ali went back to Fincham with this?’

Ant nods in agreement before he’s even finished the question. ‘Well, she definitely did _something_.’

Dec can almost see Ali going straight to Fincham’s office after meeting the joke of a guy he set on her clients – heels clicking dangerously on the tiles of the corridor, outraged, threatening with a lawsuit, her blonde hair falling into her eyes as she speaks.

His heart is almost overflowing with gratitude towards her and his stomach tightens uncomfortably when he realises that he’ll never see her sleepy smile in the morning from under millions of blankets ever again. He feels nauseous again when he remembers the tears in her eyes yesterday and _fuck_ , he was the cause of that. How did he even manage to screw up so bad?

Dec lets out a sigh and makes a conscious effort to try to let it go and leave it in the past, where it should probably belong. He did everything he needed to, the only thing that’s left now is moving on. He acknowledged that he hurt her. He took the effort to explain it to her. He apologised. He accepted responsibility. He admitted that he was wrong. He still loves her. _Fuck_. _He still loves her._

‘I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make it up to her,’ he says eventually in a quiet voice.

‘No, I don’t think we ever will,’ Ant replies, almost fiercely and Dec’s breath catches in his throat.

Because, _right_. He’s not alone, why is he keep forgetting? He hasn’t been since he first met this wonderful grumpy-looking boy when he was thirteen. And he never will be. Ant is always here with him through it all. And he knows, that’s enough. It has to be enough. Right?


	28. Chapter 28

Hiya my lovelies :) Okay, well, first of all, here comes my usual ‘sorry about the long wait yet again’ message: _I am really sincerely sorry about the long wait yet again. Honestly._ You guys are so lovely to me and definitely deserve better! I love you all loads and thank you for still reading/being interested in this story, for putting up with me and for all the amazing messages and comments; they really do mean a lot! <3  
  
Warning for a tiny bit of **homophobia** – nothing drastic, but some of it internalised… :( - and some **homophobic language**. There’s a tiny bit of **sexual content** (don’t get too excited, it’s not what you think haha), but it’s not very explicit. And of course the usual **swearing** , because we all know me; I can’t even manage two sentences without a swear word in it.

Oh, also, my obsession with randomly mentioning bathroom tiles makes a reappearance in this chapter. It has no significance whatsoever, I’m just weird. :)  
  
Aaaaand Neil, if for some weird reason you ever read this in the future and it turns out, you are actually a Toon lad or support a completely different football club altogether (or perhaps even hate footie with a deadly passion…), I’m really sincerely sorry, please forgive me, I love you to bits.

_Let me know in the comments if you enjoyed it or come and yell at me on[tumblr](http://justrainythings.tumblr.com/ask) for not updating regularly! :)_

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There is something frazzled about Dec’s calmness, Ant thinks, as he watches him sitting somewhat rigidly on the sofa across from him. Sure, he seems content and focused on the outside as he flicks through his script for what must be the hundredths time today, but Ant knows him better than to believe that he’s truly relaxed. He’s certain, Dec is distraught over something under the façade of calm; looking more put together than he actually feels. It’s the way he holds himself, the curve of his eyebrows, the way he reaches down to change the song on his iPod and the movement of his hand as he turns the pages of his script. He just _knows_ and Ant wouldn’t be able to explain why or how, but these little things, all put together in his mind add up to Dec being discontent – even if it doesn’t look like it from the outside, even if no one else in the world would be able to tell.

Ant runs a hand through his hair, he crosses his legs, frowns deeply. He’s feeling uncomfortable and restless; he’s worried about Dec. As he shifts in his chair, he catches sight of himself in the mirror and… _jesus_. The way he’s looking at Dec definitely falls into the creepy category. Does he always do that? Because… that’s fucking disturbing. He’s not sure, he’s liking every aspect of this whole, ‘being aware of his feelings for Dec’ business and briefly almost-wishes back his mindset of blissful ignorance.

He shakes himself out of it and looks up to check if Toni, their costume designer, noticed his creepiness or not.

Toni – currently sitting on top of the mini fridge Dec’s dressing room has, quietly talking on the phone – seems absolutely unbothered by Ant looking like he wants to kidnap Dec, keep him locked up in a garden shed and never let him talk to anyone else ever again. Her eyes meet Ant’s, and she smiles at him for a moment, before covering her phone’s receiver with one hand to say something to the intern standing next to her.

‘I’m still not happy with the opening,’ Dec says too loud, breaking the relative quiet of the room somewhat harshly. He removes his earphones, then chucks his battered copy of tonight’s script onto the coffee table with an annoyed sigh.

The intern slightly turns his body to look at him, but it just seems like an instinctive response, to find the source of the noise and movement, and his face doesn’t say ‘I’m a homophobic twat’ or anything like that: Ant’s just being paranoid. He turns back almost right away anyway and leaves the room after Toni gives him instructions to go and pick up something or other.

Now it’s only the three of them in the room; Toni is still speaking in a low voice into her phone, providing them with a comfortable hum of a background noise.

‘Dunno. It’s alright,’ Ant tells Dec, turning his attention back on him. He reaches out for Dec’s script to skim through the already more than familiar words. ‘Everyone said, ‘t’was funny,’ he adds and only looks up from examining Dec’s scribbled notes and doodles on the margins when Dec stays petulantly silent across the coffee table.

Their eyes meet and Ant can see all the uncertainty and frustration in Dec’s green-blue pair, that he too have felt build up during the past week. He knows, Dec is still not fully convinced over the quality of the opening, but Ant thinks, it’s just because he’s been obsessing over it. _Is it just me then?_ Dec’s eyes are asking, but Ant doesn’t have a chance to reply (verbally or otherwise); Toni clears her throat and Dec and him break eye-contact. Ant knows, they both feel a bit unsettled because of their unfinished conversation as they turn to look at her.

Toni hops off the fridge, slipping her phone into her back pocket. She looks frustrated. ‘There’s some stuff going on with your suits, but I’m dealing with it,’ she says quickly, before either of them could ask her what’s wrong.

‘Why do I get the feeling that this _stuff_ …,’ Ant says, drawing quotation marks in the air as he echoes the word, ‘…that’s going on with our suits is not just the usual ‘they got lost on the way’ or ‘got torn’ or whatever?’

‘Because you’re a very perceptive man, Ant, that’s why,’ Toni says, smiling at him with every bit of sass she possesses. ‘Honestly, though, love. Don’t worry about it,’ she adds as she steps towards the door.

‘What is it?’ Dec asks before she could open it to leave though, and his voice has a weird edge to it, some sort of bitter darkness that’s enough to stop her.

Ant can hear her take a deep breath – perhaps hesitating – , but then she turns back towards them, already speaking, ‘Bloke from _A Suit That Fits_ emailed me that they don’t mean any disrespect,’ she snorts here before continuing, ‘but their brand image doesn’t go with the style of _today’s gay man_.’

Ant thinks, he can hear Dec’s teeth knock together angrily, painfully.

‘I couldn’t believe my fucking eyes, can tell you that much,’ Toni says and if it wasn’t for the shock, it would warm Ant’s heart, how pissed off she seems about the whole thing. ‘Emailed him back, told him that he can fuck right off. I mean, they should be happy, you’re wearing their suits at all, _especially_ after something like this,’ she states somewhat incredulously. ‘Anyway, the company apologised – looks like the guy’s been overruled by his manager or something and it wasn’t them, just this bloke personally being a cunt. Oh, but then the kid unfollowed me on twitter, so I just _had to_ get him fired.’

Ant snorts at that, almost the exact same moment that Dec makes a noise that sounds dangerously like a choked off sob. Ant cannot believe that this is their life.

‘They sacked him after I sent them a strongly worded email, but then, as revenge,’ Toni continues, because _oh_ , apparently that’s not the end of it, ‘he tried to sabotage me and got the suits delivered to the wrong address, ‘S’why they are not here yet,’ she says, grimacing. ‘But they will be, ‘s all okay, lovely, I’m working on it,’ she addresses that to Dec, who currently looks speechless and slightly mortified.

Then she flashes a grin in Ant’s direction as well, ‘Honestly, don’t you worry about it, loves. You’re most definitely not gonna be naked tonight on stage, ‘s my personal guarantee to you,’ she winks at them and then she’s already turning out of the room, not even waiting for their response.

There’s stunned silence between Dec and him for a minute in the now empty dressing room and Ant honestly can’t decide whether he wants to laugh or cry.

‘Well,’ Dec says slowly, dragging the word out, while he’s shaking his head in disbelief. ‘I mean- I really just don’t even…’ he trails off; doesn’t know how to finish that.

Ant lets out a painful sort of little chuckle, sharing Dec’s sentiment. _It’s always these stupid little things that are the worst, that hurt the most_ , he thinks. _How many more? How many times?_ _For how long?_ But he stops himself from saying any of it out loud.

‘Just let’s get through the show, aye?’ he tells Dec instead, repeating what Dec has said so many times already this week, firmly deciding that the last thing Dec needs right now is to worry himself about shit like this.

He doesn’t give Dec the chance to argue with him and takes the opportunity to stand up to go to the loo. When he comes back, wiping his still slightly wet hands on his jeans, Dec seems anxious again, but Ant knows, he’s gone back to worrying about the script, and indeed, as he sits back down onto his chair, Dec looks up at him; ready to continue their conversation from earlier.

‘Is it just me over-thinking it then?’ he asks and Ant’s breath catches from the kind of unquestionable trust that Dec has in his voice. _Right this moment, he would believe literally anything I told him_ , it occurs to him.

‘Aye, pet, yeah. You probably just read it too many times… It’s honestly fine, Decs, I swear,’ Ant tells him sincerely. He waits a moment, then: ‘What’s wrong though?’ he asks, numb worry coiling uncomfortably in the pit of his stomach again.

He flinches when he realises that he basically asked this exact same question only a few days ago, in a lift, in this very same building and that then, Dec exploded; frustrated with the world, with Ant, with everything.

Dec doesn’t shout at him this time – a testament to how far they’ve come already –, but his reply is similar to the one he gave him on Tuesday.

‘I don’t know. _Everything_ …?’ he grimaces. ‘The show, Ali, me Mam, ITV, us, the viewers, this bullshit with the suits…! Thought it was all getting better, but now just can’t shake the feeling that it’s all gonna go to shite.’

‘C’mere,’ Ant says with a soft, indulgent smile, but he’s the one who stands up to sit on the sofa next to Dec, already motioning for him to turn his back towards him.

Dec does so, very gratefully, relaxing immediately as Ant doesn’t hesitate to dig in his fingers and try to massage the tension out of the older man’s shoulders and upper back.

‘Ouch,’ Dec says when Ant’s hands find a painful spot alongside his spine, but there’s no edge to it and Ant is almost certain, he even has his eyes closed.

‘I know, I know, I broke your back yesterday on the fire escape…’ he laughs quietly.

‘It’s not funny,’ Dec protests, but he’s leaning back pliantly into Ant’s every touch. ‘I’m slightly terrified right now, because I’m not sure, we follow Toni on twitter, by the way.’

‘Well, I really hope so. She’s ruthless, eh?’ Ant laughs and he can’t seem to remember the last time, he laughed like this – honest and free. He moves closer to Dec instinctively as he continues massaging him; now he can smell the other man’s aftershave with every breath he takes.

‘Wanna be alone with you,’ Dec says, whisper-quiet, after a couple of minutes of comfortable silence and Ant’s heart skips a beat.

‘You’re alone with us right this moment, Decky,’ he says, grinning like an idiot, pretending that he doesn’t know what Dec’s talking about.

Dec shakes Ant’s hands off his shoulders and turns back towards him for the sole purpose of shooting him a nasty stare. _I know that you know_ exactly _what I mean._

Ant doesn’t shy away from his gaze though. ‘Humour me, love,’ he smiles at him easily, wanting to hear Dec say it again, but for real this time, needing to hear the words out loud.

Dec lets out an exasperated sigh, but he does turn back, away from him, closing his eyes again, letting Ant continue with his impromptu massage.

‘I meant, after the show, after all this insane shit is over. And in general. I want to be alone, _with you._ Don’t want a party after or nowt. Just go home, be with you, alone, and not ever be with anyone else… Potentially forever,’ he clarifies for Ant’s sake, his voice genuine and soft, almost dream-like, but sounding slightly annoyed over Ant’s antics.

Ant knows that the way he curves his back means, _it was perfectly clear the first time around, Anth, stop being difficult._ He doesn’t care though, enjoying the way the warm feeling of being loved and needed courses through his body. He lets his hands find Dec’s hips, fingers gently gripping at the material of his shirt on both sides as he draws him towards his own body, so that his back is now pressed close, resting against Ant’s chest.

‘What the fuck are we doing? We have a show to do,’ Dec says, but he’s completely relaxed now; eyes still closed, his breathing even – a dead weight on top of Ant. He most definitely doesn’t look like someone who’s about stand up and do any sort of work.

‘Just a few minutes,’ Ant assures him regardless, and it strangely comes out like he’s promising him a forever.

Dec seems to pick up on the way it sounds as well, because Ant can feel him tense up for half a second, can see him struggle not to open his eyes.

‘Come again?’ he says, half-whispering, like he didn’t hear it, like it was something forbidden, and Ant knows, he doesn’t want him to repeat the words, but what was behind them, the emotion itself.

Ant takes a deep breath. The moment is suffocatingly intimate, but it’s something they are used to when it comes to the two of them, and it’s easy not to think about it too much, the consequences, it’s easy to just let himself whisper back, urgently, sort of like the fate of the universe depended on it, ‘I’m always gonna be right here when you need me. We have all the time in the world, Decky.’

Ant can see pain race through Dec’s soft features – his familiarly smooth skin looks pale against the pink of his lips that Ant kissed so many (but not enough, _never_ enough!) times, as Dec’s tongue darts out to lick over them.

He understands his pain and what’s behind it perfectly, he knows about all the what-ifs, the inner turmoil that Dec is currently feeling and thinking about; he thought it all too. There are so many things that hurt right now and will hurt for a long while, and although the future seems happier and brighter, right now he feels guilty consoling himself with the idea of better things to come. It’s almost like it’d be _wrong_ to consider their impending happiness, while they are still weighed down like this by their past mistakes, by the could-have-beens, the things they could have done better: fewer broken hearts, not as many tears.

He rests his chin on top of Dec’s head for a few moments – breathes in the comfortingly familiar soft smell of his hair –, before sneaking his arms around his waist, tightening his hold on him.

Dec’s long, dark eyelashes flutter against his skin and he reaches back to offer Ant one half of his earphones, while taking the other half and pressing play.

Ant doesn’t question it when three songs later he realises that it’s actually not Dec’s iPod, but his own.

 

 

To be honest, Ant is not quite sure what comes next. He stops his nervous pacing in Dec’s now empty dressing room to check his watch – it’s half past five already – and he suddenly doesn’t remember what they usually do around this time before a show. It’s like when you go back to work after a holiday and it all seems out of place and unfamiliar, you wonder about every tiny thing – have I really always done that?

He thinks, normally they are too preoccupied with last minute changes and details at this point to have any spare time on their hands, but today everyone seems to be focused on their tasks so much so that there is none of the familiar organised chaos that he’s used to from years of doing Takeaway.

It's all seemingly going very smoothly - he's not needed anywhere; there are no misplaced props, no misspelled words on the autocue. And that is precisely what's making Ant uneasy, because things don't normally go this straightforward around here – there's usually quite a bit of last minute problem-solving or hasty re-writing before every show. But not today. There's something lingering in the atmosphere – a sickly anticipation, like a withheld breath –, and it feels like that the two of them even getting on stage tonight holds some sort of weird significance, so everyone is doing everything in their power to make it easier on them. They have the most amazing crew on the planet, Ant thinks fondly, but then lets out a very exasperated sigh right after.

He still has no idea what to do with himself and Dec has gone to get them tea (he’d been a right diva and decided, he wanted the kind they have at the cafeteria and not the kind, they put in their dressing rooms) and Ant doesn’t give a shit about tea, he just wants him to be here and that’s how he eventually absent-mindedly slides his phone out of his pocket – just for something to do. He starts scrolling through twitter, only realising what that simple, pretty much everyday activity means nowadays when he gets to the first tweet with the word _faggot_  in it.

He frowns deeply, but favourites a couple of well-wishes and tries to ignore people calling them disgusting liars as best as he can. It's not easy though (the disgusting is debatable, but the liars part of it is essentially true, isn't it?) and his hands start shaking after reading  _. @antanddec I would love to see you in person, and bash your gay fucking heads in_. It might not be the worst thing he's seen directed at them, but this one just seems so fucking relentlessly numb to any form of compassion whatsoever and the sentiment also seems educated enough to have some actual grammar involved, which just somehow makes it all so much worse, not to mention the obnoxious dot at the beginning, so it’s public, so everyone sees it. He hastily closes the app, carefully sets his phone down on top of the coffee table and then takes a step back, not even glancing in its direction.

He shuts his eyes for a moment, attempting to calm himself, concentrating on trying to stop his body from trembling. It’s not really explicitly a death threat per se, but he’s more than certain that he would be able to find an actual one in no time in their mentions if he really particularly wanted to. He’s not sure how he feels about that. (And maybe they should talk to someone about it; a therapist perhaps or, fuck, maybe a security expert…!) It’s not like most of these people actually mean what they say and Ant rationally knows that their opinions don’t matter in the big scheme of things. Nevertheless, now he has this mental image playing on a loop in his mind that he just can't fucking shake – someone jumping Dec with a baseball bat and then there's blood everywhere and  _god, Ant’s going to be sick_.

He presses the heels of his hands into his eyes to stop the frustrated tears from actually getting out and he feels such an irrational, instinctive burst of rage even just thinking about someone hurting Dec that he needs to sit down for a while. It takes him about two minutes to give up on mentally trying to will away his sudden headache and start looking for some painkillers.

He stares at himself in the mirror in Dec’s en-suite while he swallows some paracetamol, then takes a sip of water. His slightly manic reflection is looking back at him with a rather franticly suspicious expression.

He feels... unbalanced. He doesn't know why this is getting to him so much and he doesn't know why _now_ \- maybe it's all been just building and building and someone out there just managed to use the right set of words to finally push him over the edge. Maybe now that he doesn’t have Dec to focus on, to take care of him, make sure he’s okay and analyse his every movement worriedly, maybe now that he has the time for it, his own anxiety decided to catch up with him.

Inside his head it's like the world is literally falling apart, but he has no way of stopping it. It's so stupid, because earlier he was in such a good mood (well, relatively speaking) - he felt like the show was finally coming together and Dec and him started actually talking out all this shite (properly this time – no more secrets!) and then- Yeah, well. _Dec brought up James._

‘Was it weird?’ he asked and Ant is not sure, he managed to answer properly, not certain, he explained it in a way that made any sort of sense.

_James._

He has no idea why he still remembers his name or why he ever knew it in the first place. It was a drunken and desperate hook-up type of thing, not the sort of ordeal when you bother with names at all. But, here he is, roughly twenty years later, about to present one of Britain's most popular light entertainment shows live on TV, he's one half of Ant and Dec, a married man for almost 8 years now and he remembers the guy's fucking name.

Ant also remembers how much he liked that James wasn't flamboyant (the concept of someone being gay but not having the stereotypical mannerisms associated with it was something fairly new to him and it was a welcome idea, one that he could relate to), but he was gay obviously enough for there to not be any doubt that they were flirting with each other.

He remembers the dark and the sweaty press of bodies, the loud music and the flashing lights, the alcohol - a lot of alcohol, but certainly not enough - and he remembers that his name was James. He had spiky, heavily gelled hair and possibly a nice smile, although Ant's not certain about that. What he _is_ certain of is that James was roughly the same height as Dec and... That was virtually the only reason why he even considered going through with it.

He knows, it's fucked up and he knew that it was fucked up even back then, but there was absolutely no denying it that the whole bloody thing was about Dec.

Dec, his best friend. Dec, who was very happily dating Clare. Dec, who sometimes kissed him breathless and did unspeakable things to him.

He let James drag him outside where it was all quiet and cold. They were kissing against the wall of the building and the night was dark enough that Ant for a horrible-horrible moment thought that he would be able to pretend that this was Dec, that it would virtually feel the same - they were the same height after all -, but… he couldn’t.

It was just so different, not Dec-like at all; James kissed him, his tongue easily slipping into Ant's open mouth, his hand coming up to rest on Ant's cheek as he did so, and there was nothing weird or wrong or even uncomfortable about it, it just wasn't...

The fair amount of denial that Ant had managed to build up over the last few years however didn’t let the realisation dawn on him immediately, it was more of a slower process, because, it was another bloke,  _surely_ , it should have felt the same or at least similar enough for him to want it, shouldn't it?

But it didn’t, not even remotely. Yeah, the way he had to tilt his head down to catch the shorter man’s mouth came to him naturally enough by this point, but where James’s kisses felt rough around the edges, kind of dirty in a good, but slightly porn-y, guilty pleasure sort of way, Dec’s were always full of warmth and were mostly summery sweet. Not necessarily in taste – the lad ate enough onion pasties a day that he should have tasted like them constantly by this point –, but in the way they made Ant feel; all safe, but excited with precious anticipation, kind of reminding him of the feeling he got when they were going home to Newcastle after they haven’t seen their Mams for a while.

James was panting heavily, his hips grinding against Ant and it felt good, so so good – dirty, but somehow free. Free of responsibility, free of denial and judgement. Ant felt a little bit like he’d just gone crazy and didn’t have a care in the world.

James let out a sweet little appreciative sigh as Ant slid a hand under his T-shirt, onto the warm skin of his lower back and for a moment Ant honest to god thought that under different circumstances, if everything was just a little bit less fucked up, he could see himself dating this guy, maybe even falling for him. It was scarily easy to pretend, they were an actual couple of some sort (in secret of course, because Ant was a popstar, he was famous in Japan for god's sake and they had that TV gig going on now as well, and he didn't even consider how catastrophic it would have been if anyone had found out about this and god, what would his Mam say if he knew about any of this, what the fuck was wrong with him, what was he even doing!? - so yeah _definitely_ in secret), but it was so frighteningly simple to act like they knew each other and did this regularly – _this_ being a heated make out session at the back of some dodgy club – that Ant trembled into the next kiss, soft and pliant for James against the brick wall. Fuck, he was _enjoying_ this.

'Looks like you are one of  _those_  then after all, McPartlin – this is not just wanking off your best mate now, you're enjoying this with another  _man_ , a man you don’t even know!’ said a vicious little voice in his head. ‘Here's your suspicion proven right then; you are one of  _them_ alright!’

But it wasn't just about that, was it? Because deep down he knew all that already; yes, okay then: he was into blokes as well. Wasn't that big of a surprise actually - he sucked plenty of marks onto Dec's pale thighs- no, actually, even _better (_ or maybe so so much _worse…)_ ; he spent more than enough time in the close vicinity of Dec's dick over the last couple of months to have no real doubt about the being into blokes thing, to be honest. 

No, this wasn't the purpose of this, this wasn't a sexuality crisis at all – far from it actually. This was most definitely a Dec-related crisis. What he needed to know, what he was craving desperately was that feverish desire that he only ever experienced when with Dec and he just _had to_  find out if he could get it from someone else as well, find out whether the fact that he was doing this with another man and not a woman had changed anything. Because okay, maybe a little tiny bit, this was a crisis about his brand new almost-but-not-yet girlfriend as well, because while he was sure that Lisa was very much potentially the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, the sex wasn't even remotely similar to what Ant was used to with Dec.

Not to say that sex with Lisa, or any other girl in general was bad, oh no, not at all. It was just very very different, because when Ant was with Dec, he couldn't ever get enough, he could never be satisfied, he always just  _wanted wanted wanted_  and it felt right, like he never wanted to be anywhere else and it usually accompanied that peculiar burn in the pit of his stomach, that  _it’s just too good, too much, too- I can't breathe_ feeling.

He always secretly - not like he spent loads of time thinking about this, but he did have his fair share of low moments, thank you very much - hoped that once he found the right woman, he would be satisfied with that and finally experience everything with her that he had preciously experienced with Dec.

And there he was, he had found the right woman and… It didn’t seem to matter. He was just so so sure that Lisa could absolutely be The One, but this _thing_  didn't go away, he didn't get it from Lisa, he still needed what only Dec could give to him (or rather, what they had _together_ with Dec), so here he was grinding against this stranger, a bloke -  _James -_  finding out just how not-sexuality, and consequently, Dec-related this crisis actually was.

James bit down on his lower lip then and reached down to unbutton Ant's fly and  _oh, okay, apparently we are going for it real proper then like_ , but the way he touched him was so different to how Dec would have and his smell was just kind of unfamiliar and his hands felt...  _different_  and Ant just- Ant wanted Dec.

Ant wanted the familiarity and he wanted the comfortableness, he suddenly craved that reassuring feeling that no matter what he did or said, he wouldn't feel embarrassed, that he could have his guards down, because when he was with Dec he didn't have to pretend. He felt _safe_ and loved and needed and it was effortless and easy because it was his best friend, who always understood him, _it was just Dec._ And that one word, that _just_ meant the world to Ant. _It was just Dec_ , but it was more than anything Ant could have ever wanted. 

 _I don’t want this_ , he remembers thinking, as James continued kissing him, rhythm uneven, more urgent than before. Then, a heartbeat later: _It’s not Dec._

He didn’t want this, and it wasn’t Dec. Fuck, he didn’t want this, _because_ it wasn’t Dec.

It was instinctive when he pushed James away the next time the man kissed him a little bit more roughly than perhaps Dec would have done.

'Can you-' Ant panted, 'Can you please not be so...?' he hated how sheepish, uncertain and even shy he sounded, like he was a blushing virgin or something and he couldn't get himself to continue the sentence.

James looked at him weird, but he seemed drunk enough to not really care what Ant’s reasons were, or if he did actually understand what this was about, then not question it, so he just nodded after a moment and went back to kissing him with less fervour now. He was touching Ant's length through the open V of his jeans now, through the material of his pants, and it did feel good to be fair, but the pressure was not light enough to be teasing, nor strong enough to actually feel good and- And Ant couldn't bloody read him, he didn't know what James was thinking and the only thought in his head was that with Dec it wouldn't be like this, because Dec would know how and what Ant wanted without ever having to ask and... Shit. _It was Dec-related, alright._

Ant was drunk and frazzled enough to ignore his usual self-consciousness and also found that in this state he didn't actually give a shit about what James thought of him and anyway, this was his big realisation, his fucking aha moment, so he pulled away again (for good this time) and started laughing. He just laughed and laughed until he was out of breath and he wasn't sure he laughed out of helplessness over the very much predictable irony of the situation, (for _of course_  just because he had every intention of pretending this stranger was or could ever be like Dec, it didn't work) or because of his infinite relief over how monumentally unmovable his love for Dec was, despite any stupid crisis he was going through.

So, yeah, that's what the James thing was and while clarifying that the categories were a., sex with women, b., sex with men and c., sex with Declan (not b., sex with men, _including_  Declan, as he previously had thought-hoped) did bring him closer to better understanding his relationship with Dec in a way, it also simultaneously meant the end. The end of him thinking there was ever a possibility that him and Dec could be an actual proper _thing_.

He obviously didn't realise that at the time - hadn't until last Sunday, really -, but now that Ant's thinking back on it, he’s pretty sure, that was the moment he cut all of it loose (or he tried to as much as he could with their ever-present co-dependence firmly in place anyway), before the thought that he wanted this could have even formed in his head. The realisation that Dec was special regardless of his gender, that Dec was somehow different and _more_ than anyone else - male or female - was too big and terrifying to ever properly think about, so he promptly shut down the whole thing without giving it a second thought. It would have been just too complicated and he was so… scared.

And, well of course, there was also the whole Dec being with Clare thing and also just how perfect Lisa was – the girl of his dreams, really – and the way he was already very rapidly falling in love with her. (Falling hard enough to have a panicky, very gay, almost-one-night-stand in some shady club because of worrying over not loving her enough to have the sort of overwhelmingly emotional sex with her that he had always experienced with Dec.)

And now, because of his stupid denial and idiotic blindness regarding the whole situation, they are here, in this mess. Maybe if he would have thought about it more, maybe if he had actually sat down and talked to Dec-

He's slightly startled when there's a knock on the door - he is still standing in the en-suite of Dec's dressing room with the lights off, his knuckles going white from holding onto the cold edge of the sink too hard. He runs a shaky hand through his hair, hoping he doesn't look too out of it.

'Oh,' is what the PA says when Ant opens the door and it takes him a moment to realise that because it’s Dec's dressing room she expected Dec and not him. She recovers quickly with a too-tight smile though, handing Ant the two freshly pressed suits. 'I can take yours to the other dressing room if you want, sir,' she says, but Ant starts shaking his head before she can even finish the sentence. Last thing he needs is to be alone in his own empty dressing room when he's already going stir-crazy, obsessing over  _James_  of all things without Dec being here and he's only been gone about ten minutes.

'No, that's fine,' he says, trying to smile gratefully, while taking the clothes and reaching back inside to hang them over the edge of a wardrobe door. 'Thank you-' he cuts off the end of the sentence awkwardly and it stupidly comes out sounding almost like a question, because while he's almost certain that she's called Fearne, he doesn't want to risk it. She stares at him for a moment expectantly, clearly thinking he wants something else as well and Ant just stares back at her.

'Yeah, er, thank you,' he repeats then, trying for more of a ‘bye, see you later’ kind of tone this time and  _for fuck's sake_. Normal human interaction with people who aren't Dec (and therefore cannot guess his every thought effortlessly) is not supposed to be this fucking hard.  _Come on, Anthony. Basic lifeskills._

'Good luck tonight, sir,' she says and smiles again - this time more genuine -, turning away already and then she's off, adjusting her glasses, talking into her headset hurriedly. As she disappears at the end of the corridor, Ant realises that if the suits are here then Toni must have solved that whole _the style of today’s gay man_ thing.

He lets out a sigh as he steps back into the room - and he's definitely sighing way too much nowadays, he’ll really need to stop at some point and just deal with all the shite already - and almost shuts the door of the dressing room behind himself before he sees him.

The PA (quite possibly Fearne, although who knows) was blocking Ant's view of the corridor, hence why he didn't spot him right away, but now it's obvious that he's been there for a while, perhaps too afraid to knock on the door.

There's a Sunderland AFC sports-kit looking bag lying carelessly next to him on the floor, probably already forgotten, and he’s leaning against the wall, waiting nervously in all his 7-year-old seriousness, already taller than Ant was at his age.

The boy’s face lights up as his eyes meet Ant's and Ant thinks no matter how brilliant the whole Little Ant thing is, no matter how believably similar they look, he never looked this cute in his life.

'Neil, hiya lad,' Ant says, stepping back onto the corridor and towards the boy, letting the door shut behind him with a small click. The smile that goes along with the greeting feels effortless this time. 'What'cha doing here?'

'I asked mum if we could still come in to see the show in real life and not on the telly and she said yes. I really like the backstage stuff,' Neil shrugs, sounding torn between excited and disappointed. Ant is not an idiot, he catches perfectly how sad that ' _still_  come in' sounds.

'I'm really sorry, your and Haydn's bit was cut from the show tonight. It's all complicated at the moment, but we'll figure it out soon, I promise,' he says, wondering darkly whether that's a promise he'll be able to keep or not. He honestly has no clue at this point.

'That's okay,' Neil says, considerably more cheerful this time, looking like he has every conviction that what Ant says is exactly what's going to happen. There's a moment of silence between them, and while it’s clear the boy wants to say something about the reason that he’s here, why he’s been waiting in front of Dec’s dressing room, it soon becomes pretty obvious that he’s not quite ready for that yet.

'Wanna come in for a biscuit? I'm sure, Dec has a hidden Jammie Dodgers stash somewhere in here,' Ant winks at him and he feels a rush of warmth course through him when Neil smiles back happily.

'I love Jammie Dodgers,' he says, jumping over enthusiastically to where Ant's standing. Ant leans down to grab his bag for him where he left it, looking at it pointedly.

'What’s this then? Sunderland, eh? You little traitor, that’s what you are…' he comments on the bag while trying to imagine a map in his head, as he realises that yeah, actually, Durham, where both littles are from, is indeed closer to Sunderland than it is to Newcastle. He’s still fairly surprised; he pretty much just assumed that both the boys would be just like him and Dec – living and dying for Newcastle United. _They are not you_ , he scolds himself. It’s a pretty unique situation – having someone around who’s supposed to be the miniature version of his present self.

'Yeah,' Neil nods and he's blushing a bit, like he's been caught doing something naughty. ''S what my Da' supports,' he explains, then he quickly continues, 'Haydn is for the Toon though,' he hurries to reassure him and Ant lets out the first honest laugh, that wasn’t prompted by Dec, in what feels like ages.

'Thank goodness! Almost got a heart-attack there. Serious traitorous behaviour, that is, Neil, lad, I'll have you know. Sunderland… Unbelievable,' he tells the boy jokingly, shaking his head in mock disapproval and Neil laughs back at him, kind of sounding like a little north-eastern angel.

Ant turns to the keypad next to the dressing room door to get back in when he feels an insistent tug at his shirt sleeve.

'Can I do it?' Neil asks and Ant doesn't even hesitate for a second. He slings Neil's Sunderland bag – pretty offensive if he says so himself – over his shoulder and leans down to pick up the boy and hold him up so he can key in the code.

'One-eight-one-one,' Ant recites the date of his own birthday out loud so Neil can punch it in and open the door to Dec's dressing room. 'Here we go then,' Ant says as he puts him back down on the ground.

Neil shoots straight for the huge sofa, slumping down on it happily.

'Does your mam know where you are?' Ant asks him, looking over his shoulder, while opening the cupboard that hides Dec's not-very-secret snack box.

'Yep, she said it was okay. Told her I was trying to find you.'

Ant pauses for a second, not knowing what to do with that information.

'Alright then, just don’t want her looking for ya, all worried,' he says eventually. 'Found some Oreos as well. Or are we sticking with Jammie Dodgers?'

'Want Jammie Dodgers!' Neil cheers loudly, then seems to catch himself as he adds an adorable 'Please, Ant?' softly.

And smiles and closes the cupboard door, turning back with the biscuits in hand. 'Excellent choice.'

'So,' he starts once he's sitting on the sofa opposite the little boy, the open pack lying between them, both of them nibbling on a biscuit each already, getting crumbs everywhere. 'You were trying to find me?'

'Went to your dressing room, but you weren’t there,' Neil says, concentrating on his biscuit, not looking up. 'So I figured you might be in Dec's.'

Ant really has no time or energy to think about what it means that a 7-year-old boy who's known them only a little bit more than a year just figured that if Ant wasn't in his own dressing room, he must be in Dec's. Nothing healthy would come out of this train of thought anyway, he's sure.

'Did you wanna talk about something then?' Ant asks carefully and the boy finally glances up at that, suddenly looking nervous.

'But only if you're not busy! Mum said that I shouldn't bother you if you're busy...'

'It's fine,' Ant smiles at him encouragingly, 'Have a bit of time at the minute. What were you gonna talk to me about, eh?'

Neil is looking up at Ant’s face attentively as he takes a deep breath, still holding a half-eaten Jammie Dodger.

'Da' told me about it, but he said I can ask you more if I’m polite?' it’s phrased as a statement, but it kind of comes out sounding like a question and Ant’s stomach constricts nervously. He knew it was going to be something like that, something about Dec and him, but he’s not ready for it – probably never will be.

'Go ahead then, what is it?' he says, trying to manage a reassuring smile.

Neil blinks at him nervously for a moment, as if he’s thinking about how to phrase the question politely, but then he seemingly gives up on that and blurts it out suddenly; all at once, slightly jumbling the words.

'Are you in love with Dec?'

The boy is looking up at him expectantly with big eyes, full of a child’s infinite hope and pure understanding of the world, and it has to mean something that Neil deemed this one the most important thing, the question he wanted to ask first.

And, well, here it is. It’s such a simple thing, really. Is he in love with him? Well, of course he is, how could he not be? They already spent half a lifetime together, learning about each other and adjusting themselves, their own lives, to fit the other’s, until it was just _their life_ , singular. (And didn’t he get called out on that today, by the weird that guy Fincham hired, didn’t he mention something about Ant saying their life instead of their lives? He wonders how long he’s been doing that, saying it like that, the two of them intertwined and inseparable, even in grammar.) And, _god_ , it was so easy, so self-evident and effortless that Ant didn’t even notice they were in love with each other the whole time. Now, though, he is aware of it with a burning sort of passion, he can feel it influencing his every thought, he can hear it in every single word he speaks – his love for Dec a constant, always always there. It’s simple like that.

But at the same time, it’s also very complicated. Because okay, he is in love with Dec, but that doesn’t mean that they’ll end up together, that they won’t have to deal with the consequences if they do. Ant loving Dec doesn’t mean, it’s going to be easy. And Ant knows, Neil’s not actually asking if he’s in love, he’s not asking about the painful adult world reality of it, he’s asking about their happily ever after; will they have a fairy tale ending, or is this the kind of story that makes people cry at the end? He doesn’t want to lie to Neil, but he doesn’t want to disappoint him either.

Ant takes a deep breath, because, he’s over-complicating this again, and when he starts speaking, it sounds strangely heavy and so very final.

'I am, yeah. I’m in love with Dec.’

Neil’s face brightens up at that and he’s clearly not bothered by the weight which Ant said it with. He’s already moving on, to the next question; excited, but still serious, 'And he’s in love with you too, right?'

'Yeah, he is too,’ Ant confirms and he suddenly feels like a weight has been lifted off him. He just told a 7-year-old boy that Dec and him are in love with each other and he got a smile in exchange. It’s a pretty great deal, if he says so.

'Are you going to get married then?' Neil asks next and now, that makes Ant actually laugh. He wishes, the whole situation seemed that easy and simple in his own head as well…!

'I don't know, Neil,’ he starts shaking his head, dismissing it easily, but then for half a second he sort of entertains the idea of a small wedding with only a couple of friends there, probably their Mams, their siblings. Maybe in Dec’s back garden. The florist could put up flowers all over the fence on both sides and between the two families they could surely get together enough chairs so that everyone can sit down, although probably you can hire chairs for this sort of thing, who knows. Or…

He’s suddenly imagining a completely different house, one where Dec and him decided the colour of the living room walls, one where the bathroom tiles were chosen by the two of them. He’s imagining a modern kitchen with huge windows and a bright bedroom with warm colours, a matching number of NTA statues on a bookshelf. It wouldn’t be as messy as their first flat had been, the one in Fulham – they’re hopefully a bit more responsible and mature now than they were back then and (they would definitely lie about it to their mams, but) they could even get regular cleaning services and everything.

Maybe they could move a bit closer to central London, he thinks, but still have a garden because of the dogs, of course. Oh, and a fairly big garage – they’ll need it now, won’t they? They have – how many? could it be… five…? – a fair few cars between the two of them. It wouldn’t be cheap that close to the centre, but it wouldn’t seem such a reckless waste of money now that they are paying for it together – they can afford a lot more if it comes out of both their bank accounts. And Dec can surely live without a pool and a hot tub – he never uses his own now, anyway.

Oh, if they could find one with a garden big enough for a wedding…! Not that that should be their primary focus when house-hunting, but it would be so lovely…! Although, then again, wouldn’t Dec want a church wedding? Surely, he would. Back in Newcastle and Dermott would be the one officiating it and…

It’s like waking from a dream, the kind that is so realistic that you just lie in bed for a while and it takes you a minute or two to realise that none of it was real. How could it be? A wedding!? The two of them haven’t even managed to make the decision to be together, for god’s sake; they’re still in this weird limbo state and neither of them is willing to take the first step, but here he is, already thinking about a fucking wedding? A wedding that they are not going to have any time soon, potentially not _ever_ , but definitely not while Ant is still married to someone else. Bloody hell, they can’t even have a church one, because they are _two men_ and they are cheaters and liars, and Ant is going to be divorced, so Dec couldn’t even marry him in a Catholic ceremony then.

Ant blinks a couple of times, trying to forget the bright pictures in his head – Ginger and the rest of the guys all dressed up in suits, champagne in their hands, teasing him about getting married again, women in fascinators, their mams in high hats, Dermott smiling at his brother when Dec’s voice turns tearful as he vows to be Ant’s forever, in front of all those people.

Ant sighs again for the hundredths time today, feeling defeated. A child’s innocent question made him forget about how truly fucked up the world is – if only for a moment – and now he feels angry. Angry at themselves for screwing it all up, but mostly just angry at the world; for the first time in his life, really, truly, personally feeling the unfairness of it. _Are you going to get married then?_

Why can’t it be that easy? It hurts so fucking much that Ant can’t even comprehend it. It makes him numb in a way, he never experienced before.

Neil is staring at him with so much hope though that he can’t help himself and the words are out before he knows it, ‘You know, we just might,’ he laughs, ignoring the pain that comes with it. ‘But not right now. We have a show to do, don’t we?' he adds jokingly, hoping Neil will soon move onto a different topic.

Neil frowns. No such luck then.

'But you're already married to someone else, aren’t you?'

'I- Yeah,’ Ant nods. ‘That’s why it’s not exactly easy. I can’t just, you know, _marry_ Dec. I did something that I shouldn't have and I really hurt a lot of people. And now I have to take responsibility for it.’

Ant is really hoping, he’s doing a great job of talking to Neil about this. He so doesn’t want to screw this up.

Neil looks sad about it, but seems to understand it, 'Because… because you’re married to Lisa, but you’re in love with Dec…, right?'

'Looks like you know it better than I do,' Ant replies, trying to lighten the little boy’s – and his own, who is he kidding – mood.

'And now people don't like you because they found out, you’re in love with Dec, while you’re still… still married to Lisa?' Neil continues with his questions and Ant doesn’t know how to tell him about how unfair the world is, that it’s not just that he’s in love with someone he’s not married to.

'Well, yeah…' he hesitates, but it turns out, he underestimated how much Neil understands of the situation

‘And because you’re gay,’ he states easily and Ant thinks about how he didn’t even know the word _gay_ at this age, let alone understand it. And later, much later, when he or his friends used it the way it was meant to use – not some ugly equivalent that was shouted at him on the street as an insult, or a derogatory term that had little to do with a person’s actual sexuality – he never dared say it this loud, this simple and unapologetic.

‘Yes, some people don’t like it that me and Dec love each other, because we’re both boys,’ he says, avoiding using the word, avoiding having to clarify, having to – sort of – come out. Jesus, he’s never come out to _anyone_ in his life…! And he’s sure as hell not going to start with Neil. Still, he slightly cringes over his own lame explanation.

'That’s silly,’ Neil concludes, seemingly undisturbed by Ant’s inner turmoil, even though he’s sure it must be written all over his face. ‘I still like you. And Dec. You’re both very funny and… and… you’re really nice.’

Ant smiles at him, at the way he so easily, unknowingly dismissed the core idea of homophobia, because… _I still like you_. He’s suddenly thinking about that stupid tweet again; the _I’ll bash your gay fucking heads in_ one… Surely, there has to be more behind that sort of emotion. It can’t just be that people wish for him to bleed, to die, because he is in love with someone who is not female. That would be insane, wouldn’t it? He suddenly can’t comprehend it, he doesn’t understand how could anyone be so appalled by love, that they think such a thing.

 ‘Thank you. That’s very lovely of you, Neil.’

‘You’re welcome,’ Neil beams up at him, proud that he’s said something that’s worth thanking. ‘Wait, did you apologise to Lisa? My mum says, you have to apologise if you’ve done something bad,' he says, in an endearing, know-it-all fashion.

'And she’s very right,’ Ant finds himself nodding. ‘Always listen to your mam, aye? Yeah, I did apologise. I'm just not sure she's forgiven me yet, you know.'

'Oh,’ Neil says, stopping to think about that for a moment. ‘I'm sure she will. You're a nice person. And she’s nice too. And she must like you, if she married you. I hate most girls at school,' he adds, grimacing slightly.

'Hah, yeah, hopefully she still likes me enough to forgive me. Maybe not just yet, but in a little while,' Ant agrees, hoping it’s actually true and Lisa will be able to forgive him at some point. He doesn’t think, he will ever be able to forget how hurt she looked when he told her, or the morning after even, as he walked out the door, with the intention of starting a new life with Dec, leaving her behind.

'When you get married to Dec, can me and Haydn be there?' comes Neil’s next question and Ant feels another rush of warmth because of how it sounds like something that is definitely happening, something inevitable.

'Do you think we'd get married without having you there?’ Ant laughs and Neil’s smile matches his own. ‘If we ever do get married, you two will be there, for sure, I can promise youse that much, lad.'

Ant needs to curl his fingers around his own thigh, nails digging sharply into his jean-clad flesh, so he doesn’t start imagining the wedding again.

Neil’s grinning face suddenly clouds over then, but thankfully it has nothing to do with Ant this time. 'Not sure Haydn will be allowed to come though,’ the little boy tells him sadly. ‘His mum didn't let him come today.'

Ant vaguely remembers someone telling him about how one of the littles’ mums expressed concerns over his son’s future involvement with the show, _in light of recent events_ , was the way it was put. Careful and clinical wording. So unlike the warm, frantic and comfortable love they have for each other with Dec.

'I know, Neil and I’m sorry. It's sort of complicated-'

'Can you talk to her, please?' Neil interrupts him really quietly, staring intently at the red wrapper of the open packet of Jammie Dodgers lying between them on the sofa.

'What?'

'Can you talk to Mrs Reid, please and tell her to let Haydn come to the studio?’ the boy says and he finally looks up at Ant, his eyes looking sort of ridiculously desperate, in a way only a seven-year-old’s can be. ‘ _Please?_ '

'I- Yeah, sure,’ Ant says, a bit taken aback. ‘Of course. I can talk to her, if you want.'

Neil studies his face for half a moment, as if he’s trying to decide what Ant’s promise is worth, but then his eyes light up. 'She'll definitely say yes to you,’ he states happily.

Ant remembers feeling fairly relieved when it turned out that one of the boys’ mums – Mrs Reid then – had reservations anyway, so they didn’t have to tell them, they intended to cut the Little Ant and Dec segment for time anyway. Now he just feels guilty.

'I'm not so sure it’ll be that easy, Neil. I don't want you to get your hopes up.'

'Is she... is she one of those people who don’t like that you… that you love Dec?' Neil asks him and there’s so much anticipation in his voice, Ant hopes to god, it’s not something nasty on Mrs Reid’s part, _not homophobia_ , and it’s just that – reservations.

'I'm not sure actually,’ he says truthfully. ‘But I'll ask her, okay? I... I'll tell her you want Haydn to come to the studio,' and he has every intention of doing just that. He makes a mental note to himself, not to forget about it after the show. It starts to feel like his life became two columns of things, firmly separated. _Before_ and _after_ the show.

‘I want him to come and be my friend even if we are not Little Ant and Dec anymore,' the little boy says shyly then, but there’s something fiercely loyal in his expression and Ant’s never seen him look so much like himself. The way Neil looks just now, forcefully reminds him of how he felt when Dec and him were written out of Byker, how much he was afraid he wouldn’t belong to him anymore, that he’d lose him somehow, now that they weren’t connected through the show. Hell, they were both so desperately afraid of losing each other, in fact, that they kissed and promised each other a forever the very same day.

'I- Yeah, okay, I’ll tell her,' Ant says, a bit still shaken by all this.

'Thank you!’ Neil shrieks and jumps up to hug Ant tightly. His little hands feel warm through the light material of Ant’s shirt, as they wrap around his shoulders. ‘Haydn’s my best friend,’ Neil tells him, like it’s a secret, a precious one, while his hands come to rest around Ant’s neck. ‘Like you and Dec, we’re best friends too!’ Ant’s breath hitches. ‘He’s a bit younger, so mum says, I have to take care of him, but he’s my best friend. I just hope, Mrs Reid will let him come here next time.'

Ant instinctively holds the boy closer, squeezes him tight. He doesn’t know what to say, he’s surprised he hasn’t stopped breathing yet, he’s most definitely surprised that he’s not crying yet.

'Yeah, me too, love. I hope so too,’ he says around the lump of tears in his throat. He carefully dislodges Neil from himself. The boy’s fingers dig into his thigh painfully, as Neil finds his balance, climbing down from his lap onto the floor, only an inch away from where Ant was burrowing in his own nails a minute ago, trying to focus on the pain instead of the bright mental image of a wedding that’s never going to happen.

‘Want a last one?’ Ant asks the little boy, grabbing the Jammie Dodgers and offering them to Neil, just so he can stop himself from thinking about best friends, weddings, _I love you’s_ and how cruel the world is. ‘Take them if you want, we'll tell Dec that a stray dog got loose in the studio and we tried, but just couldn't save his biscuits,’ he says to the boy a little cheekily. ‘And tell your mum, I said hi, yeah?'

'I will,’ Neil nods, taking two more biscuits, clutching them in his clammy hands excitedly. ‘Thank you for the Jammie Dodgers.’

’’S alright, lad,’ Ant says, and god, he’s going to fucking cry. ‘And Neil?’ he turns him around from where he’s already at the door. ‘Dec and I both love you and Haydn lots, aye? We're gonna get you back on the show soon, sound good?'

'Yep,’ Neil says, not really listening anymore, struggling with the heavy door.

'Go on, find your mam then,’ Ant tells him with a smile, helping him open the door, accepting one last hasty hug and a cheerful _Thanks, Ant!_ from the little boy. ‘See you later,' he mumbles after him unnecessarily – he’s way too far away already to hear, as he runs down the corridor happily, with his two Jammie Dodgers in hand.

Ant feels the emotions overflow in him as he watches him leave; it’s just so so much and he attempts to slam the dressing room door as he walks back inside, but it has one of those heavy thingies on the top that stops it from doing just exactly that. He can’t even get that satisfaction. Slamming a bloody door. Life is fucking unfair.

He forces himself to breathe calmly in and out for a silent minute. He’s mostly endeared by Neil’s sentiment and need for reassurance about not losing his friendship with Haydn – it’s not surprising that Ant can relate to that very easily –, but he’s also… overwhelmed.

Lisa and him wanted kids for such a long time without any sign of progress and now the possibility seems farther away than it ever did. He has no doubt that Dec wants to have children too someday, but currently they are having a hard time even defining what _they_ are, the two of them, let alone thinking about starting a family together.

Still, the pressure of Neil’s little hand against his thigh lingers, and the fact that one day they might be able to have this with Dec is all he can think about.

His phone buzzes with a horrible noise on the glass coffee table where he left it, but he can’t bring himself to move. He’s overtaken by the feeling of sudden weakness in his chest, he feels dizzy and slightly nauseous.

He’s allowed to freak out, he tells himself, he’s allowed to fall apart as long as he can put himself back together by the time Dec gets back, because he might need him.

It’s not always like this, but currently Dec seems less centred, not dealing with things as well, so Ant needs to stay strong for him. If there’s one thing they know how to do is to balance themselves evenly between the two of them – they can’t fall apart at the same time, they have to take turns.

By the time his phone has finished ringing, he feels okay enough to wander over and at least check who it was. His phone is blinking with two notifications and he dismisses the missed call with a tap of his finger in order to get to the voice message. He still feels a bit faint when he lifts the phone up to his ear to listen to it.

‘Hiya Anth,’ his mam’s voice says and though he was expecting it – he saw the notification after all –, it still takes him a bit by surprise. Her voice calms him momentarily, but there is something melancholy sounding in it that bothers him.

‘Just wanted to call to see how you two are doing, but of course, you’re very busy at the minute – didn’t any expect less, to be honest anyway. I’m sure, you’ll do great, Anth and… just wanted to let you know that I’m very proud of you both,’ his mam says in the message and Ant feels his throat tighten around nothing, tears threatening to bubble up. His mother’s voice hesitates then, it’s only a beat of _should I?_ , but then she takes a deep breath and says, ‘Anne called.’

There is a moment of deafening silence after that and the broken sound of a sob bubbles out of Ant. He’s more than grateful for the fact that no one’s around to hear it.

‘Nothing to worry about, really. We had a nice long chat,’ his mam continues, still reassuring, but slightly… menacing? ‘Gave her some things to think about, I did. Tell Declan, she loves him very much and that I said, she’ll come around, eventually. Give her a bit of time, pet. It’ll all be fine, you’ll see,’ she finishes and Ant doesn’t even really care if it’s a lie – he’s infinitely grateful for her motherly reassurance.

‘Oh, and Sarha’s around, she said, she might pop into the studio later, if you want the company, so maybe give her a ring, if you have the time,’ she adds, back in practical mother mode. The bit about Sarha is followed by silence, long enough that Ant thinks that is the end of the message and almost doesn’t catch her mum’s next, much quieter sentence. ‘I love you and Dec very much,’ she says, her voice tearful. ‘Good luck tonight, pet!’

Ant clears his throat, trying to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling caused by his own unshed tears. The way his mother said she loves them both sounded eerily similar to the way he reassured Neil of the same just minutes ago. He doesn’t really know what to do with that.

He has no clue how to react to any of this, really. He’s been trying to be so strong for Dec’s sake all day, but now his reserves are coming crumbling down and as he looks around, standing helplessly in the middle of the silent room, surrounded by the strange mixture of his and Dec’s belongings, he suddenly feels lost and… so so alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ reblog ](http://justrainythings.tumblr.com/post/148562888086/secrets-tears-and-what-ifs-part-28)if you fancy :)


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> er, well... hello, I guess? let's get straight to the point and do this in numbered bulletpoints yay
> 
> 1\. I'm sorry for being shit at updating, but hey, here's a new chapter, how about that?  
> 2\. This is my first chance at properly expressing this, so here it is: I'M SO FUCKING INCREDIBLY PROUD OF ANTHONY DAVID MCPARTLIN AND I LOVE AND SUPPORT HIM TO THE MOON AND BACK UNTIL MY DYING DAY AND BEYOND <3 <3  
> 3\. This chapter would have never been written if Abiee hadn't asked me to include a certain someone - I know it was 8 million years ago, but this is for you, love :)  
> 4\. No plot in this chapter, really - just some random (and mostly surface-value) soul-searching stuff and no one really gets to the bottom of anything. Bit of foreshadowing and mentions of stuff to come though haha.  
> 5\. I'm so so so SO incredibly thankful to everyone who's still here, who's still reading this, who's still interested, who still makes an effort to comment. Honestly, honestly, cross my heart. Every single person who's waited a minute for this chapter, a couple months, or a few years (god, I'm shit at this). I love you all so much, thank you a million for all your amazingess <3 <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so because the last update was hundreds of years ago (please don't hate me), it's re-cap time !!
> 
> Ant and Dec have been having a secret affair for 20 years, but suddenly they are outed to the whole world, ouch. (To be fair, this is the premise of the fic, so I guess, you all remember that much at least. I mean, I hope so. I know it's been a year, but like... The summary is right there when you click on the bloody thing, yeah? Fuck, it's been a year. Please please don't hate me.) 
> 
> They fight a lot about stuff - which they never do (scary!) -, while trying to navigate the minefield their personal and professional life has become. It turns out, Dec was quite upset about Ant marrying Lisa, thinking that Ant had given up on him, while Ant was never really conscious of the fact that he was actually in love with Dec.
> 
> Now though, Ant had broken up with Lisa, while Dec never really saw the need to do so with Ali (which, let's admit, was not the most eloquent way of handling this, but this fic is about Ant and Dec being in love, so we don't really give a shit about that), so they are both available, but terrified of what that means. Dec even had a couple of emotional, panic attack-like breakdowns (mainly in bathrooms? which is... weird, I guess?) that Ant is fairly concerned about. Dec's family didn't take the news the best way possible. Especially his Mam.
> 
> They somehow got through Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and are currently half-way through Saturday, the day of their first live show of Saturday Night Takeaway. They are nervous, but as the show draws closer and closer, and more problems arise, they rely and depend more on each other than ever, defaulting back to their AntandDec-ness (and being very cute, if I might add). 
> 
> Meanwhile a very old, but quite dramatically disgusting picture of them kissing surfaces suddenly and to push it out of circulation, Ali suggests to wander down to a nearby park and do a pap-walk, so they can provide less awful, and more lovey-dovey, kissing and hand-holding photos for the press. (Oh, and there's this homophobic little woman in the park who calls them out on kissing, but they handle it well, phew.) With that push, it's kind of decided for them and they more or less finally agree that they should be together and "properly date", if you will, although they are still quite shit at the whole having "The Conversation" thing. Ant admits to a few things that he wanted to come clear about (namely a sexual encounter of his with another man), Dec is not exactly sure how he feels about that (apart from unhealthily jealous and possessive). 
> 
> Currently Ant is not really feeling on top of things, following a visit by Little Ant and a voicemail from his Mam. He mainly just wants Dec, who's left to get tea like ten minutes ago and to be fair, that's already way too much time to spend apart, so.

Dec is leaning on the bar counter in their studio's green room, waiting for their teas to brew, distractedly munching on a Jammie Dodger when she just wonders in. He tries to say something along the lines of 'oh shit', but he's mid-bite and he kind of chokes on a piece of biscuit and consequently starts coughing immediately. He tries to spit the soggy biscuit crumbs into a napkin in the most dignified way possible and she starts laughing at him heartily. And well, Dec really doesn’t appreciate that, despite knowing how ridiculous he must look. He is still concentrating pretty hard on, you know… _not dying_  when she pulls him into a thorough hug.

It’s a long one and it feels like, she’s trying to tell him something with it, he’s just not quite sure what, but nevertheless it’s reassuring in a way that can only come from the familiarity of someone you’ve known a really long time.

'Cat,' Dec finally manages when they come out of the hug, wiping tears from his eyes, still coughing a bit, but breathing a lot more easily now. ‘Hey pet.’

‘You okay, love?’ she asks, tucking a blonde strand behind her ear, laughing again.

He nods and for a moment they just stare at each other in silence because of how impossible the whole thing feels – Cat is here (here in England - and in their green room, of all places!) and well, also, Dec almost just died in a Jammie Dogder-related accident. Maybe he could sue ITV. Where there’s blame, there’s a claim, he thinks vaguely humorously.

Then Cat says, 'You completely forgot, I was coming, didn’t you.’

And… that, he did.

They set it up weeks and weeks ago – she texted him a couple times and she was coming back home to England for a bit anyway, so they were talking about going out for dinner, the three of them, after the live show, to do a bit of catching up.

But lately they've not really been on top of things, to say the least, and in the chaotic whirlwind of all kinds of pictures in tabloids and their messy fights, Dec’s been feeling like he can only focus on the task that’s directly ahead of him in order to avoid going absolutely crazy.

So, actually, no, he didn’t just forget about Cat coming; it seemed like, setting it up never even happened, or maybe in another lifetime, but definitely not only a few months ago.

Cat is still looking at him, so he simply just nods yes, because they’ve been friends for way too long to lie to her about something like that.

‘We did, I'm so sorry. There's just been some stuff going on and- I mean, it's great that you're here though-’

'It's great that you think that it's great that I'm here,’ Cat interrupts him quickly with a relieved smile. ‘Because I wasn't sure whether I should come or not after all this stuff. I mean, you guys invited me, but __you kno__ _ _w.__ All this is happening…’ here she makes a vague motion with her hand implying _all this_ that’s currently _happening _,__ ‘But I just thought, you know, I don't come home all that often nowadays, so…'

'No, it's great, I'm honestly chuffed,’ Dec tells her and when he actually thinks about it, he comes to the conclusion that he’s not lying about this at all, not even a little bit; he’s glad that Cat is here. She represents something that’s constant, something that’s still normal in their life. ‘You look great, by the way,' he tells her, making her smile.

She really does. Dec has always kind of been half in love with her from the very first moment and it’s still like that. She’s really pretty – she’s always been, but she looks attractive in a more sophisticated way now –, Dec could die for her long blondish hair (although nowadays it’s more light brown, he notices), she also has a sort of delicate feminineness about her that he’s fascinated by, but at the same time he’s always loved her ever-present crude sense of humour and he knows, she’s always up for a laugh. She looks older than he remembers, but it suits her and – it’s a cliché, but she kind of grew into her face.

'Thanks, darling. I don’t look as great as Ashley Roberts though – I just ran into her outside and wow. _Very American _,__ ’ she says the last bit like it’s a nasty piece of gossip and Dec loves her for that even more.

Dec laughs. 'Yeah, she is.’ Then he considers it, ‘You’re kinda very American too,' he adds with a playful smile.

‘Shut up,’ Cat says, dismissing him easily with a wave of her hand in a way that says, she’s very much used to this kind of banter. ‘You know what I mean though, she’s just… _wow_.’

‘She definitely is,’ Dec admits and to be fair, she’s totally Dec’s type. Still, if it ever came to it - if he was not fiercely in love with his best friend, that is -, he would choose Cat over Ashley any day.

'But last I heard, you were taken…' she says and horrifyingly, it sounds like a question, or at least something that Dec should elaborate on, and while the tone is mockingly mischievous, he can’t help but hear a fair amount of caution in it.

Cat doesn’t look sure if she has any business asking about this and Dec… Well, Dec has no idea what he thinks about that. He doesn’t have much experience with talking about relationship stuff and it’s definitely even harder when it comes to his relationship with Ant, because that’s never been something that was openly up for discussion. He has no idea where the lines are, what he feels comfortable sharing.

‘I… Sort of, yeah,’ he manages, and he can’t help, but feel that this uncertainty is kind of a setback, but to be fair, it _has_ been an absolute roller-coaster of a day and Dec doesn’t feel like putting much more energy into expressing his inner turmoil more adequately.

Cat raises an eyebrow. She looks hurt, like Dec just said something wrong, something slightly problematic. Dec has no clue why though, so he waits for her to elaborate.

'Come on, Declan, don't do this,’ Cat pleads, her voice strangely high-pitched. ‘I’ve known you for…'

'Oh. It's not- I’m not _not_  telling you, Cat,’ he protests, understanding Cat’s reaction now. ‘It’s just, well, I’m not sure how it works at the minute.'

Cat raises a perfectly shaped, sceptical eyebrow at that. ‘What’s _this_  then?’ she asks, shoving her phone into Dec’s hand and wow, that’s…

‘Weird,’ he says dazedly.

Dec thinks he really should get used to seeing pictures of him and Ant snogging in various locations, posted on the internet, but no, it still comes a shock seeing it so public, so sensationalised. It’s a bit different this time around though, because… Well, he knew about these pictures. He made a conscious (if not entirely free-willed) decision to participate in them; he agreed to do this. It’s the park ones, because of course it’s the park ones, and it feels silly now, but somehow he’s already almost forgotten about them; moved on, anxiously waiting for the next problem, the next catastrophe to survive and apprehensively, very unhealthily fixate on.

He scrolls through the article, flustered, a little bit feeling like he would be very grateful if there was a chair underneath him right now.

He ignores everything that’s written, he just concentrates on the pictures, and that’s already more than enough to deal with - he doesn’t need the shitty tabloid narration of their life on top of it all, thank you very much.

On the first picture they are in the queue for the burger stand, waiting for their food, and he’s looking up at Ant with a sweet, loving smile (‘That’s my favourite - it’s like a wedding picture, isn’t it,’ Cat offers with a concerning amount of enthusiasm, from where she’s plastered to Dec’s back now, looking over his shoulder to see the phone.) Dec thinks that the second one is okay, - it’s just them walking next to each other - up until he realises that they are holding hands on it and… okay. So that’s what they look like when they are holding hands. Interesting.

The next one is the first one to feature a kiss and the phone shakes in Dec’s hand for a second. Strangely, with this one, he’s not too concerned about how it looks (apparently it looks ‘very very cute’, according to Cat), but about the fact that they actually have a picture of their first truly free kiss. One for the grandchildren. Or… something like that.

The ones after that feature them on the bench, eating, kissing, then laughing, then kissing some more and oh, here’s the homophobic woman, shit.

Dec scrolls back up to the top though, because he honestly just can’t deal with that right now and… here he is again, smiling at Ant, looking like he’s happy, proud, carefree and very much in love.

‘Weird,’ he says again.

Cat laughs at him, not mockingly so; it sounds soft and bright. ‘When the whole country is talking about you having an affair with your best friend and you go to a park and start snogging him senseless, then there’s absolutely nothing weird about it ending up on the internet.’

‘No, that’s not what I meant, it’s just so weird to see it like that,’ Dec explains. ‘It was a publicity thing that we did,’ he adds at the end, mumbling distractedly, like a non-too-important disclaimer.

‘Yeah, because that looks _just_ like a publicity thing that you did,’ Cat laughs.

Dec just leaves it at that, and he’s not sure why - maybe he’s just tired of explaining something he doesn’t understand himself, maybe he just doesn’t care that much anymore.

‘I’m sorry it came out- The whole thing, I mean… I’m sorry that it came out like that. It’s not fair. You deserved better,’ Cat says then, much more serious, and Dec looks up.

For a moment he doesn’t know what to say, because for the first time someone actually acknowledged this, someone expressed just how wrong this whole situation is, the fact that someone outed them against their will, poking into their personal life uninvited, (not to say that they are not at fault here, but cheating and lying, __those__ are the crimes they are guilty of, and surely, _surely_ the punishment-like attention for being in an affair that happens to be a gay one, while simultaneously being on television is not fair on any level) and it’s quite overwhelming to hear his own thoughts of injustice directly expressed to him.

In the end he just smiles at her gratefully, ‘Thanks.’

‘But you know. That’s just your fabulous showbiz life, isn’t it? Can’t go anywhere without being recognised, you poor souls. Fame, fortune, sex, money, scandals…! Maybe you should murder someone next. Ooh, or better: have a reality show!’ she teases him and Dec can’t help himself but hit her in the shoulder playfully.

‘Shut up.’

‘ _Ooor_ , maybe you should make a sex tape. That would sell well. Let me know if you wanted to. _I know some people_ ,’ she offers, mock-serious and looking at him with overly-scandalous eyes, but she can’t keep a straight face for long.

‘Oh, shut your face…’ Dec hits her again.

They laugh like they just said goodbye to each other yesterday, after a long morning of doing SM:TV, and it’s refreshing to be able to have fun with someone who’s not Ant. Maybe takes the pressure off their relationship a bit. Maybe Dec needs reminding sometimes that he’s capable of existence without Ant by his side every single minute of the day, so he can cherish the time that they do spend together even more.

It feels good and easy to be with Cat like that, but in a way it’s also nerve-wrecking, because of what Dec knows is coming next. They are at that point in the conversation. And indeed, although Cat is still smiling at him brightly, her voice turns sincere as she asks in a much quieter voice, 'You two okay?'

Dec sighs. He decides, he’s not so much uncomfortable talking about it, as he just doesn’t have the answers. Because the ‘ _you two okay_ ’ question is way more complicated than it actually appears to be on the surface. Are they? Dec wants to think so, but he had just one too many panicky breakdowns in various bathrooms over the last couple of days to be able to say that they are with complete certainty. So many things have gone wrong today already and it’s not even show time.

'Yeah,’ he says, but his voice doesn’t come out right. He clears his throat. ‘Getting there,' is what he eventually manages, because he doesn’t want to sound bitter, he doesn’t want to appear as morbidly fed up as he actually feels.

Cat however is not the type of person who is satisfied with that kind of answer, and actually, wow, how could Dec even think that she was going to just let it go that easily? They really do need to meet up more often.

‘So… hang on, you are in a relationship then?' she presses, somehow making it sound like it’s the least intrusive question ever.

Dec still doesn’t have the answers however, no matter how relentless or good at this Cat is, so he goes for something light-hearted. 'Well, everyone seems to think so,' he says dismissively, not looking her in the eye.

'What kind of answer is that?' she asks with furrowed eyebrows, but also like she’s worried that she’s gone just a bit too far this time.

Dec sighs, more just frustrated with himself than anything else, really. 'The _I don't know_ kind. It's just… this whole talking about things is pretty new to me, sorry. I mean…’ he trails off. ‘It's like no one's surprised. Like people were expecting it,’ it almost explodes out of him, the words coming quick and loud; this has been bothering him for a while now. ‘Like everyone fucking secretly knew about it like…!’

There is a moment of silence and Cat is looking at him with this very _very_ patient expression on her face, like she’s waiting for him to realise something, like she wants him to figure it out on his own.

‘Oh, for fuck’s sake,’ Dec curses when he finally understands. ‘I give up,’ he says, looking up at the ceiling. ‘I fucking give up. Why is it even such a big deal if every person on this bloody planet knew about it, huh? Why? If this is not even new information to anyone, why does it still make the front page of every shitty tabloid in this stupid country like? Aren’t people more interested in… I don’t know, Posh and Becks, or something?!’

Cat laughs at him, but she’s rubbing at his shoulder comfortingly. She leans over the counter then, rummaging for a bit, then turning back towards Dec with a plastic teaspoon.

‘Well, not everyone knew about it,’ she says consolingly, fishing out the teabags from both of the teas that Dec has already completely forgotten about. She dumps them unceremoniously on top of a single napkin, drenching the whole counter immediately and looking like she couldn’t care less. She puts down the spoon and looks into Dec’s face with a part-apologetic, part-pleading expression. ‘But, I mean - and I’m only speaking for myself here -, if you think about it, you were never really careful about it when it was just the three of us, so I just assumed you thought that I knew, and I mean, it wasn't exactly a big deal, so…'

Dec lets out a disbelieving little laugh. 'Ant was with Lisa though. I was dating Clare-'

Cat holds up a hand, before he could go any further than that. ‘I’m not saying I understood exactly what was going on, Dec, but  _you know_... It’s the two of you. It’s just your thing,’ she explains easily.

‘Our thing,’ Dec repeats incredulously.

‘Well, yeah,’ she grins at him bright and happy, stunning Dec into silence for a moment.

‘I feel like I have to go now and re-evaluate my life,’ he deadpans finally and Cat laughs warmly.

‘Better now than never,’ she says. Cheeky. ‘Where’s your loved up other half, then?’

‘Dressing room,’ Dec replies, only bothering to roll his eyes at that, and well, okay, maybe he understands why so many people have always taken this for granted - they never exactly discouraged the notion that there was something between them deeper than friendship. But it never really bothered him, he was never really iffy about assumptions like that. If that’s even possible, he was always sort of clear on where he stood: pretty much very into blonde girls, but kind of also very much happily attached to Ant in every way possible. A bit of teasing about their closeness was always welcome, met with a slightly embarrassed, but mostly proudly possessive smile or a funnier counter-joke. It never even occurred to either of them to get prissy about it, especially because most of it was… well, true.

‘We still have a bit of time, I think, if you wanna come, see him before the show?’ he suggests, looking at his watch. He grabs both of the teas when Cat nods and starts making his way out of the green room with her close behind.

‘Oh yeah, how’s the show going?’ Cat asks as they walk down a corridor, seemingly having realised that for now, she’s not going to get anything more specific out of him, relationship-wise.

‘Well, you know…’ Dec shrugs. ‘It’s okay, I think. It’s one big gay joke, the whole thing, with loads of embarrassing bits and making fun of ourselves, but we never had too much dignity anyway.’

‘So you’re acknowledging it,’ she nods seriously.

‘We can’t just ignore it, to be fair,’ he smiles back tepidly.

Cat shakes her head. ‘I know plenty of people who would. And you have to give yourself credit when you’re doing something right.’

‘Hah, yeah, because doing something right is exactly what this is. Forced out of the closet and we are gracious enough to acknowledge it. Well done us!’

They are suddenly stopped when they get to the next turn - a couple of stage-hands seemingly have tried to move a large piece of the stage set through the corridors, but now it’s stuck. Dec is assured by several people rapidly that the issue is going to be solved any minute now, but he just raises his eyebrows at them, like he couldn’t be less fazed by this catastrophic turn of events and leans on a wall casually, continuing his conversation with Cat, waiting to be able to get through.

‘You see, a tiny part of me thought, you two put the picture out,’ Cat says in a way that’s almost outrageously shy, especially coming from her.

‘What, that we did this whole thing on purpose?’ Dec asks back, definitely not as outraged as he perhaps would have been a day, maybe even hours ago.

She nods silently.

‘You’re not the first person to accuse me of that today,’ Dec remarks, surprised to detect humour in his own voice. ‘Ant and you should really make a Facebook group for that or something.’

He laughs, but Cat just gapes at him. ‘Wait, he said _what_?’

Dec sighs again. ‘I don’t know, Cat,’ he says, rubbing the bridge of his nose tiredly. There are quite a few people mulling around now, waiting for the corridor to be free to walk again, but the casual chatting of people and the shouts of the stage-hands make enough noise for Dec to deem it a safe environment to have this conversation in. He’s at a point where he doesn’t care much anyway, to be fair.

‘At first it was just that we reacted really differently,’ he starts explaining it, from the start, from the beginning, like he never had a chance to do so with his Mam, like he felt too awkward to with Ali, and too uncomfortable with his sister. ‘He automatically tried to defend what they had with Lisa, which is fair enough, but for me, it was all about finally doing what we should have done ten years ago. Being honest about it. I guess,’ he chuckles, realising the irony of it just now, ‘I reacted like everyone else, assuming that we’d be together now that it's out, just taking it for granted.

‘But then he broke up with Lise, but decided not to tell me, so I could choose to leave him if I wanted to apparently, or… whatever the fuck that was about,’ he looks at Cat here significantly, with a “can you believe how stupid and annoying he is” kind of look, and when Cat laughs (surprised a little, but indulging) it feels like the best thing in the whole wide world.

‘And well, I’m definitely not with Ali, but it’s just… well, there were some trust-’ Dec stops himself before he could say “issues”. ‘There were some trust _things_ … On my part, mainly. And maybe that’s why he seems to think that it’s like honesty hour now or something, because he keeps coming up with all these things that he never told me and I just… fuck, I wish we could just… Stop time or something. Call half-time. Because we have no idea how to handle any of this fucked up thing and we… put these people through this thing, this _sick_ thing, for… for years! I mean, Mam’s not talking to me, Lisa is fucking heartbroken, but like, still taking it in her stride, Ali is fucking amazing, doing the manager things, and… fuck, there’s Clare and Georgie and so many other people that we just… fucked. And for what? So we can shag each other? It’s like I never even realised how stupid this whole thing…’ his rant stops suddenly and abruptly, with him having to take an almost unexpected breath out of nowhere, but then he shrugs and lets out an indignant little huff, not bothering to finish his sentence.

‘You’re actually fighting?’ Cat asks into the silence, her eyes a very deep brown.

‘I guess, we finally got to the point of breaking. We always said, it’d happen one day and it wasn’t healthy that we never fought.’ Dec suddenly wonders for a second if it was actually _them_ who always said this, or if it was just _one of them_ , and if yes, which one. He shakes his head, letting go of this pointless thought.

‘It wasn’t just shagging though, Dec. You are in _love_. You can’t control that,’ Cat says quietly, reminding Dec of a negotiator trying to talk someone off a roof, someone who’s very determined to jump.

‘Well, fuck. I don’t know what the right answer is or what we should have-’ a sudden picture-perfect memory startles him into silence. An echoing church corridor, eight or so years ago, him running, trying to comprehend what’s just happened, trying not to throw up, just running and running, like the coward he is, the fucking mess that he was that day. But, no. He did the right thing. Or… did he? Wasn’t it always going to end like this, out in the open? Didn’t he just postpone the inevitable by not doing what he was prepared to finally go through with that day? ‘We are still responsible for all of this,’ he says gravely after a while, after collecting himself a bit.

‘I wasn’t expecting you to be fighting though,’ Cat says, sort of just thinking aloud.

‘Neither did we,’ Dec replies, grimacing. ‘We ran out of secrets today though, I think,’ he adds, almost like an after-thought, not sounding as hopeful as he’d like. ‘Don’t look at us like that,’ he asks Cat pleadingly when she stares at him, looking a bit like she’s never seen him in her life.

‘Sorry,’ she says, catching herself. ‘I- I guess, I just thought, you would be more…’

‘Prepared for something like this?’ Dec finishes her sentence, laughing humourlessly. ‘Yeah, no, ‘cos, we’re idiots like. But I think for Ant it was way easier to get over all this. It’s like he jumped from _this is not serious, it’s never been _,__ to this place where he’s just incredibly comfortable with everything and… I guess, this is what I always wanted and now I know this, but I was just so fucking afraid that I never admitted it to myself and I’m still pretty much just scared shitless,’ he concludes. ‘Well. That’s where we are right now. That’s what I mean by _I don’t know_.’

Cat seems to think about it for a moment, taking it all in, processing, then - looking as enlightened as it goes - she says, ‘You’ve been struggling with this for a lifetime, Decs. You had way too much time to think about it and make up all these problems in your head, whether they are real or not. You just have more to get through than he does,’ she says and Dec is a bit taken aback by how it’s actual sensible advise, even if it can just be translated into a simple “give it time”. ‘Like the wedding thing?’ Cat adds tentatively and oh, fuck.

‘Shit. I forgot you knew about that,’ Dec shakes his head, pointedly staring at his shoes. The pain he expects from the mention of the wedding doesn’t come this time (maybe he’s exhausted his quota for the day or it’s too soon, from a moment ago when he thought about it, to hurt properly again), and that’s unusual, but he does feel more embarrassed than he has in a long while, and that’s really something, considering he just had several close-up pictures of snogging Ant’s face off exposed to, and tabloid-pushed-down-the-throats of, most of the country’s population.

‘I was there,’ Cat says significantly. ‘I don’t just know about it, I fucking saw it happen.’

Dec is infinitely thankful for the distraction of someone coming up to him, saying that the set piece really _is_  stuck and maybe they are better off choosing a different route and just going the long way around, so the wedding topic is left well and alone. Dec exchanges pleasantries about this overall quite sitcom-humorous turn of events with the person and (‘They were not supposed to move it through here, but a couple of the new guys didn’t know,’ he explains to Cat) turns around to walk back the way they came from.

‘So… I mean, I just assumed that you’re like together, especially after the pictures, but now I’m… not so sure?’ Cat continues her probing, and despite his general and automatic annoyance by this line of questioning, Dec finds that it’s really nice to complain to someone about all this.

‘Yeah. Yeah? Maybe. Probably.’ Dec shoots her a painful smile when he realises how stupid that sounded. ‘It’s complicated.’

‘Have you talked about it?’ she asks, laughing a little, as they turn onto another corridor.

‘We… sort of did,’ Dec confirms, but then he goes off-topic, his thoughts racing too fast for him to make them coherent enough to even just stop himself from casually blurting them out. ‘[Today he said I love you to me in the most casual way](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3427745/chapters/9583428#love) and I said it back without even thinking about it and I feel like… It doesn’t feel like a normal relationship, like we didn’t have any of those moments, like we never even had a first date like, but I feel like I’ve been dating him since I was twenty or something – how is that right?’ he asks, feeling every bit as pathetic as he knows he must sound.

‘It can’t be right just because it’s not usual?’ Cat asks back wonderingly, for some reason still humouring Dec. ‘Okay, so you didn’t have a traditional _I love you_ moment, so what?’ (Dec opens his mouth here, because while they might not have had a so-to-speak “traditional” I love you moment - and Ant might stupidly deny that that was their first one on top of that -, it was still pretty romcom-like, thank you very much, involving some leftover curry, crap telly and Peter Andre being their upstairs neighbour playing a weirdly significant role in all of it, but then he thinks better of it and just lets Cat continue without interrupting). ‘You have other things. You have a kind of connection that most people wouldn’t ever dare dream of…’

‘I guess so,’ Dec says awkwardly. He still finds it incredibly strange how other people perceive their relationship, how other people consider his day-to-day normal to be unique and special. Not to say, he’s not aware of how lucky he is to have found Ant, it’s just…

He stops at a door leading to a set of service stairs, holds it open for Cat, lets her grab onto his arm as she - surprisingly elegantly - struggles down them in her heels. ‘It’s just confusing and I feel like I can’t figure it out - any of it,’ he says finally. ‘And there’s just so much pressure from everywhere to do the right thing and be so many things and it’s bloody all over the papers like and…’

‘I really didn’t expect you to be this hesitant about this,’ Cat says earnestly, stopping for a moment.

Dec looks at her. Then with new-found energy, ‘I mean just because it’s supposed to work, just because it’s us, it doesn’t mean that it actually will. We’re just jumping into it and there’s no time to adjust, not like when you’re actually dating someone, to get used to them, to figure out their habits and-‘

‘But, Dec…’ she interrupts him, sounding astonished. ‘You don’t need to do that,’ she laughs incredulously, shaking her head.

He looks at her, a bit frustrated, waiting for her to explain.

‘You know all this. Yeah, this might be an issue for other people who get together like this, from an affair or whatever, and yeah, it might be an adjustment, a hard one, but the pair of you are…’ she laughs again, almost fondly, ‘…strange and weird and… just think it through! You know what’s it like to live with him. You see each other every single day. You know his habits, you know what he does first thing in the morning, you know how he takes his coffee, you have shared a bathroom together, you do actually go shopping together. Dec, you have a joint twitter account for god's sake,' she finishes, looking like she’s clearly just won this whole thing altogether.

Dec opens his mouth to snarl back at her, but then he realises, he’s not sure what to say. After a while he just puts a hand on her lower back to usher her forwards and in the right direction. They don’t say much of anything for the rest of the way; Dec deep in his thoughts, Cat clicking with her heels like she’s the queen of the universe or something and she just solved Dec’s every problem single-handedly.

 _Well_ , Dec thinks with a wry smile, as he hands her the teas so he can open his dressing room door. _Maybe she is _.__ And maybe she didn’t exactly solve _everything,_ but. This is definitely a start, or… maybe even a clear sighting of a finish line that, until a minute ago, Dec wasn’t even sure - couldn’t possibly hope! - existed.


End file.
